here.
“Wow!” again, as the quake reached his location.
probably a bit less straight-line distance.
into the fallen tree.
road to the north.
Dr. Jung says everyone in the dream is some aspect of the
dreamer. Even the trees?
Do Narcissists Have Emotions
(such as Love)?
By: Sam Vaknin
Of course they do. All humans have emotions. It is how we choose to
relate to our emotions that matters. The narcissist tends to repress
them so deeply that, for all practical purposes, they play no
conscious
role in his life and conduct, though they play an extraordinarily
large
unconscious role in determining both.
The narcissist’s positive emotions come bundled with very negative
ones. This is the outcome of frustration and the consequent
transformations of aggression. This frustration is connected to the
Primary Objects of the narcissist’s childhood (parents and
caregivers).
Instead of being provided with the unconditional love that he craved,
the narcissist was subjected to totally unpredictable and inexplicable
bouts of temper, rage, searing sentimentality, envy, prodding,
infusion
of guilt and other unhealthy parental emotions and behavior
patterns.
The narcissist reacted by retreating to his private world, where he is
omnipotent and omniscient and, therefore, immune to such vicious
vicissitudes. He stashed his vulnerable True Self in a deep mental
cellar – and outwardly presented to the world a False Self.
But bundling is far easier than unbundling. The narcissist is unable
to
evoke positive feelings without provoking negative ones. Gradually, he
becomes phobic: afraid to feel anything, lest it be accompanied by
fearsome, guilt inducing, anxiety provoking, out of control emotional
complements.
He is thus reduced to experiencing dull stirrings in his soul that he
identifies to himself and to others as emotions. Even these are felt
only in the presence of someone or something capable of providing the
narcissist with his badly needed Narcissistic Supply.
Only when the narcissist is in the overvaluation (idealization) phase
of his relationships, does he experience the convulsions that he calls
“feelings”. These are so transient and fake that they are
easily
replaced by rage, envy
and devaluation. The narcissist really recreates the behavior patterns
of his less than ideal Primary Objects.
Deep inside, the narcissist knows that something is amiss. He does not
empathize with other people’s feelings. Actually, he holds them in
contempt and ridicule. He cannot understand how people are so
sentimental, so “irrational” (he identifies being rational with being
cool headed and cold blooded).
Often the narcissist believes that other people are “faking it”,
merely
aiming to achieve a goal. He is convinced that their “feelings” are
grounded in ulterior, non-emotional, motives. He becomes suspicious,
embarrassed, feels compelled to avoid emotion-tinged situations, or,
worse, experiences surges of almost uncontrollable aggression in the
presence of genuinely expressed sentiments. They remind him how
imperfect and poorly equipped he is.
The weaker variety of narcissist tries to emulate and simulate
“emotions” – or, at least their expression, the external facet
(affect). They mimic and replicate the intricate pantomime that they
learn to associate with the existence of feelings. But there are no
real emotions there, no emotional correlate.
This is empty affect, devoid of emotion. This being so, the narcissist
quickly tires of it, becomes impassive and begins to produce
inappropriate affect (e.g., he remains indifferent when grief is the
normal reaction). The narcissist subjects his feigned emotions to his
cognition. He “decides” that it is appropriate to feel so and so. His
“emotions” are invariably the result of analysis, goal setting and
planning.
He substitutes “remembering” for “sensing”. He relegates his bodily
sensations, feelings and emotions to a kind of a memory vault. The
short and medium-term memory is exclusively used to store his
reactions
to his (actual and potential) Narcissistic Supply Sources.
He reacts only to such sources. The narcissist finds it hard to
remember or recreate what he ostensibly – though ostentatiously -
“felt” (even a short while back) towards a Narcissistic Supply Source
once it has ceased to be one. In his attempts to recall his feelings,
he draws a mental blank.
It is not that narcissists are incapable of expressing what we would
tend to classify as “extreme emotional reactions”. They mourn and
grieve, rage and smile, excessively “love” and “care”. But this is
precisely what sets them apart: this rapid movement from one emotional
extreme to another and the fact that they never occupy the emotional
middle ground.
The narcissist is especially “emotional” when weaned off his drug of
Narcissistic Supply. Breaking a habit is always difficult – especially
one that defines (and generates) oneself. Getting rid of an addiction
is doubly taxing. The narcissist misidentifies these crises with an
emotional depth and his self-conviction is so immense, that he mostly
succeeds to delude his environment, as well. But a narcissistic crisis
(losing a Source of Narcissistic Supply, obtaining an alternative one,
moving from one Narcissistic Pathological Space to another) – must
never be confused with the real thing, which the narcissist never
experiences: emotions.
Many narcissists have “emotional resonance tables”. They use words as
others use algebraic signs: with meticulousness, with caution, with
the
precision of the artisan. They sculpt in words the fine tuned
reverberations of pain and love and fear. It is the mathematics of
emotional grammar, the geometry of the syntax of passions. Devoid of
all emotions, narcissists closely monitor people’s reactions and
adjust
their verbal choices accordingly, until their vocabulary resembles
that
of their listeners. This is as close as narcissists get to
empathy.
To summarize, the emotional life of the narcissist is colorless and
eventless, as rigidly blind as his disorder, as dead as he. He does
feel rage and hurt and inordinate humiliation, envy and fear. These
are
very dominant, prevalent and recurrent hues in the canvass of his
emotional existence. But there is nothing there except these atavistic
gut reactions.
Whatever it is that the narcissist experiences as emotions – he
experiences in reaction to slights and injuries, real or imagined. His
emotions are all reactive, not active. He feels insulted – he sulks.
He
feels devalued – he rages. He feels ignored – he pouts. He feels
humiliated – he lashes out. He feels threatened – he fears. He feels
adored – he basks in glory. He is virulently envious of one and all.
The narcissist can appreciate beauty but in a cerebral, cold and
“mathematical” way. Many have no mature, adult sex drive to speak of.
Their emotional landscape is dim and gray, as though through a glass
darkly.
Many narcissists can intelligently discuss those emotions never
experienced by them – like empathy, or love – because they make it a
point to read a lot and to communicate with people who claim to be
experiencing them. Thus, they gradually construct working hypotheses
as
to what people feel. As far as the narcissist is concerned, it is
pointless to try to really understand emotions – but at least these
models he does form allow him to better predict people’s behaviors and
adjust to them.
Narcissists are not envious of others for having emotions. They
disdain
feelings and sentimental people because they find them to be weak and
vulnerable and they deride human frailties and vulnerabilities. Such
derision makes the narcissist feel superior and is probably the
ossified remains of a defense mechanism gone awry.
Narcissists are afraid of pain. It is the pebble in their Indra’s Net
-
lift it and the whole net moves. Their pains do not come isolated -
they constitute families of anguish, tribes of hurt, whole races of
agony. The narcissist cannot experience them separately – only
collectively. Narcissism is an effort to contain the ominous
onslaught of stale negative emotions, repressed rage, a child’s
injuries. Pathological narcissism is useful – this is why it
is
so resilient and resistant to change. When it is “invented” by the
tormented individual, it enhances his functionality and makes life
bearable for him. Because it is so successful, it attains religious
dimensions – it become rigid, doctrinaire, automatic and
ritualistic.
In other words, pathological narcissism becomes a PATTERN of behavior.
This rigidity is like an outer shell, an exoskeleton. It constrains
the
narcissist and limits him. It is often prohibitive and inhibitive. As
a
result, the narcissist is afraid to do certain things. He is injured
or
humiliated when forced to engage in certain activities. He reacts with
rage when the mental edifice underlying his disorder is subjected to
scrutiny and criticism – no matter how benign.
Narcissism is ridiculous. Narcissists are pompous, grandiose,
repulsive
and contradictory. There is a serious mismatch between who they really
are, their true accomplishments, and how they regard themselves. The
narcissist doesn’t merely THINK that he is far superior to others. The
perception of his superiority is ingrained in him; it is a part of his
every mental cell, an all-pervasive sensation, an instinct and a
drive.
He feels that he is entitled to special treatment and to outstanding
consideration because he is such a unique specimen. He knows this to
be
true – the same way one knows that one is surrounded by air. It is an
integral part of his identity. More integral to him than his
body.
This opens a gap – rather, an abyss – between the narcissist and other
humans. Because he considers himself so special and so superior, he
has
no way of knowing how it is to be human, neither the inclination to
explore it. In other words, the narcissist cannot and will
not
empathize.
Can you empathize with an ant? Empathy implies identity or equality
with the empathized, both abhorrent to the narcissist. And being
perceived by the narcissist to be so inferior, people are reduced to
cartoonish, two-dimensional representations of functions. They become
instrumental, or useful, or functional, or entertaining, gratifying or
infuriating, frustrating or accommodating objects – rather than loving
or emotionally responsive.
It leads to ruthlessness and exploitativeness. Narcissists are not
“evil” – actually, the narcissist considers himself to be a good
person. Many narcissists help people, professionally, or voluntarily.
But narcissists are indifferent. They couldn’t care less. They help
people because it is a way to secure attention, gratitude, adulation
and admiration. And because it is the fastest and surest way to get
rid
of them and their incessant nagging.
The narcissist may realize these unpleasant truths cognitively – but
there is no corresponding emotional reaction (emotional correlate) to
this realization. There is no resonance. It is like reading a boring
users’ manual pertaining to a computer you do not even own. There is
no
insight, no assimilation of these truths.
Still, to further insulate himself from the improbable possibility of
confronting the gulf between reality and grandiose fantasy (the
Grandiosity Gap) – the narcissist comes up with the most elaborate
mental structure, replete with mechanisms, levers, switches and
flickering alarm lights. Narcissism Isolates the narcissist
from
the pain of facing reality and allows him to inhabit the fantasyland
of
ideal perfection and brilliance.
Narcissists “love” their spouses or other significant others – as long
as they continue to reliably provide them with Narcissistic Supply (in
one word, with attention). Inevitably, they regard others as mere
“sources”, objects, or functions. Lacking empathy and emotional
maturity, the narcissist’s love is pathological. But the precise locus
of the pathology depends on the narcissist’s stability or instability
in different parts of his life.
>From “The Unstable Narcissist”:
(I have omitted below large sections. For a more elaborate treatment,
please
Read the FAQ itself.)
Narcissists belong to two broad categories: the ‘compensatory
stability’ and the ‘enhancing instability’ types.
I. Compensatory Stability (‘Classic’) Narcissists
These narcissists isolate one or more (but never most) aspects of
their
lives and ‘make these aspect/s stable’. They do not really invest
themselves in it. The stability is maintained by artificial means:
money, celebrity, power, fear. A typical example is a narcissist who
changes numerous workplaces, a few careers, and a myriad of hobbies,
value systems or faiths. At the same time, he maintains (preserves) a
relationship with a single woman (and even remains faithful to her).
She is his ‘island of stability’. To fulfill this role, she just needs
to be there physically.
The narcissist is dependent upon ‘his’ woman to maintain the stability
lacking in all other areas of his life (to compensate for his
instability). Yet, emotional closeness is bound to threaten
the
narcissist. Thus, he is likely to distance himself from her and to
remain detached and indifferent to most of her needs. Despite this
cruel emotional treatment, the narcissist considers her to be a point
of exit, a form of sustenance, a fountain of empowerment. This
mismatch
between what he wishes to receive and what he is able to give, the
narcissist prefers to deny, repress and bury deep in his unconscious.
This is why he is always shocked and devastated to learn of his wife’s
estrangement, infidelity, or divorce intentions. Possessed of
no
emotional depth, being completely one track minded – he cannot fathom
the needs of others. In other words, he cannot empathize.
II. Enhancing Instability (‘Borderline’) Narcissist
The other kind of narcissist enhances instability in one aspect or
dimension of his life – by introducing instability in others. Thus, if
such a narcissist resigns (or, more likely, is made redundant) – he
also relocates to another city or country. If he divorces, he is also
likely to resign his job. This added instability gives these
narcissists the feeling that all the dimensions of their life are
changing simultaneously, that they are being ‘unshackled’, that a
transformation is in progress. This, of course, is an illusion. Those
who know the narcissist no longer trust his frequent ‘conversions’,
‘decisions’, ‘crises’, ‘transformations’, ‘developments’ and
‘periods’. They see through his pretensions and declarations into the
core of his instability. They know that he is not to be relied upon.
They know that with narcissists, temporariness is the only
permanence.”
We are, therefore, faced with two pathological forms of narcissistic
“love”. One type of narcissist “loves”
others as one
would attach to objects. He “loves” his spouse, for instance, simply
because she exists and is available to provide him with Narcissistic
Supply. He “loves” his children because they are part of his
self-image
as a successful husband and father. He “loves” his “friends” because -
and only as long as – he can exploit them.
Such a narcissist reacts with alarm and rage to any sign of
independence and autonomy in his “charges”. He tries to “freeze”
everyone around him in his or her “allocated” positions and “assigned
roles”. His world is rigid and immovable, predictable and static,
fully
under his control. He punishes for “transgressions” against this
ordained order. He thus stifles life as a dynamic process of
compromising and growing – rendering it instead a mere theatre, a
tableau vivant.
The other type of narcissist abhors monotony and constancy, equating
them, in his mind, with death. He seeks upheaval, drama, and change -
but only when they conform to his plans, designs, and views of the
world and of himself. Thus, he does not encourage growth in his
nearest
and dearest. By monopolizing their lives, he, like the other kind of
narcissist, also reduces them to mere objects, props in the exciting
drama of his life.
This narcissist likewise rages at any sign of rebellion and
disagreement. But, as opposed to the first sub-species, he seeks to
animate others with his demented energy, grandiose plans, and
megalomaniacal self-perception. An adrenaline junkie, his world is a
whirlwind of comings and goings, reunions and separations, loves and
hates, vocations adopted and discarded, schemes erected and
dismantled,
enemies turned friends and vice versa. His Universe is equally a
theatre, but a more ferocious and chaotic one.
Where is love in all this? Where is the commitment to the loved one’s
welfare, the discipline, the extension of oneself to incorporate the
beloved, the mutual growth? Nowhere to be seen. The
narcissist’s
“love” is hate and fear disguised - fear of losing control
and
hatred of the very people his precariously balanced personality so
depends on. The narcissist is egotistically committed only to his own
well-being. To him, the objects of his “love” are interchangeable and
inferior.
He idealizes his nearest and dearest not because he is smitten by
emotion – but because he needs to captivate them and to convince
himself that they are worthy Sources of Supply, despite their flaws
and
mediocrity. Once he deems them useless, he discards and devalues them
similarly cold-bloodedly. A
predator, always on the lookout, he debases the coin of “love” as he
corrupts everything else in himself and around him.
yesterday.
Last
I remember my Uncle Unkie lighting those greasy
Recent Comments