November 8, 2004

• a moment of excitement

  I was on the phone last night when a mild earthquake hit. 

  Greyfox, on the other end of that phone call, fifty miles away at the

  lower end of this valley, could hear things rattling in the background

  here.

  He said, “Wow!”  I asked if he felt it, and he said no, he’d
  just

  heard all the rattling and clanking at this end.  Then he
  said

  “Wow!” again, as the quake reached his location.

  Before I went to bed last night, the alert was in my inbox from the

  BIGQUAKE notification service.  The epicenter was 65 miles NW
  of

  Talkeetna.  We are about 20 miles SW of Talkeetna, I think,

  probably a bit less straight-line distance.

  ---

  intriguing dream

  Doug, Greyfox and several other people, strangers to me, were here
  with

  me.  There was heavy new snow on the ground and clinging to
  trees,

  and the wind was blowing.  I was watching the trees sway in
  the

  wind when suddenly the big spruce tree nearest the house cracked near

  its base and fell across the road out front.  I called out to
  the

  others to come look.  Before they got to the window, a
  low-slung

  red car came speeding from the corner just south of here and ran hard

  into the fallen tree.

  Greyfox and I went out there as the driver was climbing out of his

  car.  He pointed to the road past the tree that was fallen
  across

  it and there was another, bigger tree lying along the road with its

  base near our tree and the branches covering the entire width of the

  road to the north.

  Dr. Jung says everyone in the dream is some aspect of the
  dreamer.  Even the trees?

  ---

  the blog I meant to post yesterday

  I’ve written about my own perspective on my husband’s NPD. 
  When I

  received Sam Vaknin’s recent newsletter, I found much in it that

  resonated.  The following is just FYI:

  Do Narcissists Have Emotions
  (such as Love)?

  By: Sam Vaknin

  Of course they do. All humans have emotions. It is how we choose to

  relate to our emotions that matters. The narcissist tends to repress

  them so deeply that, for all practical purposes, they play no
  conscious

  role in his life and conduct, though they play an extraordinarily
  large

  unconscious role in determining both.

  The narcissist’s positive emotions come bundled with very negative

  ones. This is the outcome of frustration and the consequent

  transformations of aggression. This frustration is connected to the

  Primary Objects of the narcissist’s childhood (parents and
  caregivers).

  Instead of being provided with the unconditional love that he craved,

  the narcissist was subjected to totally unpredictable and inexplicable

  bouts of temper, rage, searing sentimentality, envy, prodding,
  infusion

  of guilt and other unhealthy parental emotions and behavior
  patterns.

  The narcissist reacted by retreating to his private world, where he is

  omnipotent and omniscient and, therefore, immune to such vicious

  vicissitudes. He stashed his vulnerable True Self in a deep mental

  cellar – and outwardly presented to the world a False Self.

  But bundling is far easier than unbundling. The narcissist is unable
  to

  evoke positive feelings without provoking negative ones. Gradually, he

  becomes phobic: afraid to feel anything, lest it be accompanied by

  fearsome, guilt inducing, anxiety provoking, out of control emotional

  complements.

  He is thus reduced to experiencing dull stirrings in his soul that he

  identifies to himself and to others as emotions. Even these are felt

  only in the presence of someone or something capable of providing the

  narcissist with his badly needed Narcissistic Supply.

  Only when the narcissist is in the overvaluation (idealization) phase

  of his relationships, does he experience the convulsions that he calls

  “feelings”.  These are so transient and fake that they are
  easily

  replaced by rage, envy

  and devaluation. The narcissist really recreates the behavior patterns
  of his less than ideal Primary Objects.

  Deep inside, the narcissist knows that something is amiss. He does not

  empathize with other people’s feelings. Actually, he holds them in

  contempt and ridicule. He cannot understand how people are so

  sentimental, so “irrational” (he identifies being rational with being

  cool headed and cold blooded).

  Often the narcissist believes that other people are “faking it”,
  merely

  aiming to achieve a goal. He is convinced that their “feelings” are

  grounded in ulterior, non-emotional, motives. He becomes suspicious,

  embarrassed, feels compelled to avoid emotion-tinged situations, or,

  worse, experiences surges of almost uncontrollable aggression in the

  presence of genuinely expressed sentiments. They remind him how

  imperfect and poorly equipped he is.

  The weaker variety of narcissist tries to emulate and simulate

  “emotions” – or, at least their expression, the external facet

  (affect). They mimic and replicate the intricate pantomime that they

  learn to associate with the existence of feelings. But there are no

  real emotions there, no emotional correlate.

  This is empty affect, devoid of emotion. This being so, the narcissist

  quickly tires of it, becomes impassive and begins to produce

  inappropriate affect (e.g., he remains indifferent when grief is the

  normal reaction). The narcissist subjects his feigned emotions to his

  cognition. He “decides” that it is appropriate to feel so and so. His

  “emotions” are invariably the result of analysis, goal setting and

  planning.

  He substitutes “remembering” for “sensing”. He relegates his bodily

  sensations, feelings and emotions to a kind of a memory vault. The

  short and medium-term memory is exclusively used to store his
  reactions

  to his (actual and potential) Narcissistic Supply Sources.

  He reacts only to such sources. The narcissist finds it hard to

  remember or recreate what he ostensibly – though ostentatiously -

  “felt” (even a short while back) towards a Narcissistic Supply Source

  once it has ceased to be one. In his attempts to recall his feelings,

  he draws a mental blank.

  It is not that narcissists are incapable of expressing what we would

  tend to classify as “extreme emotional reactions”. They mourn and

  grieve, rage and smile, excessively “love” and “care”. But this is

  precisely what sets them apart: this rapid movement from one emotional

  extreme to another and the fact that they never occupy the emotional

  middle ground.

  The narcissist is especially “emotional” when weaned off his drug of

  Narcissistic Supply. Breaking a habit is always difficult – especially

  one that defines (and generates) oneself. Getting rid of an addiction

  is doubly taxing. The narcissist misidentifies these crises with an

  emotional depth and his self-conviction is so immense, that he mostly

  succeeds to delude his environment, as well. But a narcissistic crisis

  (losing a Source of Narcissistic Supply, obtaining an alternative one,

  moving from one Narcissistic Pathological Space to another) – must

  never be confused with the real thing, which the narcissist never

  experiences: emotions.

  Many narcissists have “emotional resonance tables”. They use words as

  others use algebraic signs: with meticulousness, with caution, with
  the

  precision of the artisan. They sculpt in words the fine tuned

  reverberations of pain and love and fear. It is the mathematics of

  emotional grammar, the geometry of the syntax of passions. Devoid of

  all emotions, narcissists closely monitor people’s reactions and
  adjust

  their verbal choices accordingly, until their vocabulary resembles
  that

  of their listeners. This is as close as narcissists get to
  empathy.

  To summarize, the emotional life of the narcissist is colorless and

  eventless, as rigidly blind as his disorder, as dead as he. He does

  feel rage and hurt and inordinate humiliation, envy and fear. These
  are

  very dominant, prevalent and recurrent hues in the canvass of his

  emotional existence. But there is nothing there except these atavistic

  gut reactions.

  Whatever it is that the narcissist experiences as emotions – he

  experiences in reaction to slights and injuries, real or imagined. His

  emotions are all reactive, not active. He feels insulted – he sulks.
  He

  feels devalued – he rages. He feels ignored – he pouts. He feels

  humiliated – he lashes out. He feels threatened – he fears. He feels

  adored – he basks in glory. He is virulently envious of one and all.

  The narcissist can appreciate beauty but in a cerebral, cold and

  “mathematical” way. Many have no mature, adult sex drive to speak of.

  Their emotional landscape is dim and gray, as though through a glass

  darkly.

  Many narcissists can intelligently discuss those emotions never

  experienced by them – like empathy, or love – because they make it a

  point to read a lot and to communicate with people who claim to be

  experiencing them. Thus, they gradually construct working hypotheses
  as

  to what people feel. As far as the narcissist is concerned, it is

  pointless to try to really understand emotions – but at least these

  models he does form allow him to better predict people’s behaviors and

  adjust to them.

  Narcissists are not envious of others for having emotions. They
  disdain

  feelings and sentimental people because they find them to be weak and

  vulnerable and they deride human frailties and vulnerabilities. Such

  derision makes the narcissist feel superior and is probably the

  ossified remains of a defense mechanism gone awry.

  Narcissists are afraid of pain. It is the pebble in their Indra’s Net
  -

  lift it and the whole net moves. Their pains do not come isolated -

  they constitute families of anguish, tribes of hurt, whole races of

  agony. The narcissist cannot experience them separately – only

  collectively.  Narcissism is an effort to contain the ominous

  onslaught of stale negative emotions, repressed rage, a child’s

  injuries.  Pathological narcissism is useful – this is why it
  is

  so resilient and resistant to change. When it is “invented” by the

  tormented individual, it enhances his functionality and makes life

  bearable for him. Because it is so successful, it attains religious

  dimensions – it become rigid, doctrinaire, automatic and
  ritualistic.

  In other words, pathological narcissism becomes a PATTERN of behavior.

  This rigidity is like an outer shell, an exoskeleton. It constrains
  the

  narcissist and limits him. It is often prohibitive and inhibitive. As
  a

  result, the narcissist is afraid to do certain things. He is injured
  or

  humiliated when forced to engage in certain activities. He reacts with

  rage when the mental edifice underlying his disorder is subjected to

  scrutiny and criticism – no matter how benign.

  Narcissism is ridiculous. Narcissists are pompous, grandiose,
  repulsive

  and contradictory. There is a serious mismatch between who they really

  are, their true accomplishments, and how they regard themselves. The

  narcissist doesn’t merely THINK that he is far superior to others. The

  perception of his superiority is ingrained in him; it is a part of his

  every mental cell, an all-pervasive sensation, an instinct and a
  drive.

  He feels that he is entitled to special treatment and to outstanding

  consideration because he is such a unique specimen. He knows this to
  be

  true – the same way one knows that one is surrounded by air. It is an

  integral part of his identity. More integral to him than his

  body. 

  This opens a gap – rather, an abyss – between the narcissist and other

  humans. Because he considers himself so special and so superior, he
  has

  no way of knowing how it is to be human, neither the inclination to

  explore it.  In other words, the narcissist cannot and will
  not

  empathize.

  Can you empathize with an ant? Empathy implies identity or equality

  with the empathized, both abhorrent to the narcissist. And being

  perceived by the narcissist to be so inferior, people are reduced to

  cartoonish, two-dimensional representations of functions. They become

  instrumental, or useful, or functional, or entertaining, gratifying or

  infuriating, frustrating or accommodating objects – rather than loving

  or emotionally responsive.

  It leads to ruthlessness and exploitativeness. Narcissists are not

  “evil” – actually, the narcissist considers himself to be a good

  person. Many narcissists help people, professionally, or voluntarily.

  But narcissists are indifferent. They couldn’t care less. They help

  people because it is a way to secure attention, gratitude, adulation

  and admiration. And because it is the fastest and surest way to get
  rid

  of them and their incessant nagging.

  The narcissist may realize these unpleasant truths cognitively – but

  there is no corresponding emotional reaction (emotional correlate) to

  this realization. There is no resonance. It is like reading a boring

  users’ manual pertaining to a computer you do not even own. There is
  no

  insight, no assimilation of these truths.

  Still, to further insulate himself from the improbable possibility of

  confronting the gulf between reality and grandiose fantasy (the

  Grandiosity Gap) – the narcissist comes up with the most elaborate

  mental structure, replete with mechanisms, levers, switches and

  flickering alarm lights.  Narcissism Isolates the narcissist
  from

  the pain of facing reality and allows him to inhabit the fantasyland
  of

  ideal perfection and brilliance.

  Narcissists “love” their spouses or other significant others – as long

  as they continue to reliably provide them with Narcissistic Supply (in

  one word, with attention). Inevitably, they regard others as mere

  “sources”, objects, or functions. Lacking empathy and emotional

  maturity, the narcissist’s love is pathological. But the precise locus

  of the pathology depends on the narcissist’s stability or instability

  in different parts of his life.

  >From “The Unstable Narcissist”:

  (I have omitted below large sections. For a more elaborate treatment,
  please

  Read the FAQ itself.)

  Narcissists belong to two broad categories: the ‘compensatory
  stability’ and the ‘enhancing instability’ types.

  I. Compensatory Stability (‘Classic’) Narcissists

  These narcissists isolate one or more (but never most) aspects of
  their

  lives and ‘make these aspect/s stable’. They do not really invest

  themselves in it. The stability is maintained by artificial means:

  money, celebrity, power, fear. A typical example is a narcissist who

  changes numerous workplaces, a few careers, and a myriad of hobbies,

  value systems or faiths. At the same time, he maintains (preserves) a

  relationship with a single woman (and even remains faithful to her).

  She is his ‘island of stability’. To fulfill this role, she just needs

  to be there physically.

  The narcissist is dependent upon ‘his’ woman to maintain the stability

  lacking in all other areas of his life (to compensate for his

  instability).  Yet, emotional closeness is bound to threaten
  the

  narcissist. Thus, he is likely to distance himself from her and to

  remain detached and indifferent to most of her needs. Despite this

  cruel emotional treatment, the narcissist considers her to be a point

  of exit, a form of sustenance, a fountain of empowerment. This
  mismatch

  between what he wishes to receive and what he is able to give, the

  narcissist prefers to deny, repress and bury deep in his unconscious.

  This is why he is always shocked and devastated to learn of his wife’s

  estrangement, infidelity, or divorce intentions. Possessed of
  no

  emotional depth, being completely one track minded – he cannot fathom
  the needs of others. In other words, he cannot empathize.

  II. Enhancing Instability (‘Borderline’) Narcissist

  The other kind of narcissist enhances instability in one aspect or

  dimension of his life – by introducing instability in others. Thus, if

  such a narcissist resigns (or, more likely, is made redundant) – he

  also relocates to another city or country. If he divorces, he is also

  likely to resign his job. This added instability gives these

  narcissists the feeling that all the dimensions of their life are

  changing simultaneously, that they are being ‘unshackled’, that a

  transformation is in progress. This, of course, is an illusion. Those

  who know the narcissist no longer trust his frequent ‘conversions’,

  ‘decisions’, ‘crises’, ‘transformations’,  ‘developments’ and

  ‘periods’. They see through his pretensions and declarations into the

  core of his instability. They know that he is not to be relied upon.

  They know that with narcissists, temporariness is the only
  permanence.”

  We are, therefore, faced with two pathological forms of narcissistic

  “love”.    One type of narcissist “loves”
  others as one

  would attach to objects. He “loves” his spouse, for instance, simply

  because she exists and is available to provide him with Narcissistic

  Supply. He “loves” his children because they are part of his
  self-image

  as a successful husband and father. He “loves” his “friends” because -

  and only as long as – he can exploit them. 

  Such a narcissist reacts with alarm and rage to any sign of

  independence and autonomy in his “charges”. He tries to “freeze”

  everyone around him in his or her “allocated” positions and “assigned

  roles”. His world is rigid and immovable, predictable and static,
  fully

  under his control. He punishes for “transgressions” against this

  ordained order. He thus stifles life as a dynamic process of

  compromising and growing – rendering it instead a mere theatre, a

  tableau vivant.

  The other type of narcissist abhors monotony and constancy, equating

  them, in his mind, with death. He seeks upheaval, drama, and change -

  but only when they conform to his plans, designs, and views of the

  world and of himself. Thus, he does not encourage growth in his
  nearest

  and dearest. By monopolizing their lives, he, like the other kind of

  narcissist, also reduces them to mere objects, props in the exciting

  drama of his life.

  This narcissist likewise rages at any sign of rebellion and

  disagreement. But, as opposed to the first sub-species, he seeks to

  animate others with his demented energy, grandiose plans, and

  megalomaniacal self-perception. An adrenaline junkie, his world is a

  whirlwind of comings and goings, reunions and separations, loves and

  hates, vocations adopted and discarded, schemes erected and
  dismantled,

  enemies turned friends and vice versa. His Universe is equally a

  theatre, but a more ferocious and chaotic one.

  Where is love in all this? Where is the commitment to the loved one’s

  welfare, the discipline, the extension of oneself to incorporate the

  beloved, the mutual growth?  Nowhere to be seen. The
  narcissist’s

  “love” is hate and fear disguised -  fear of losing control
  and

  hatred of the very people his precariously balanced personality so

  depends on. The narcissist is egotistically committed only to his own

  well-being. To him, the objects of his “love” are interchangeable and

  inferior.

  He idealizes his nearest and dearest not because he is smitten by

  emotion – but because he needs to captivate them and to convince

  himself that they are worthy Sources of Supply, despite their flaws
  and

  mediocrity. Once he deems them useless, he discards and devalues them

  similarly cold-bloodedly. A

  predator, always on the lookout, he debases the coin of “love” as he
  corrupts everything else in himself and around him.

  ---

  I have not had breakfast yet.  I have a reading to post at
  KaiOaty

  and if I’m not totally weary of keyboarding by then, I’ll come back

  here and post my politics-and-religion rant that was fermenting all
  day

  yesterday.

  

  • 2:16 pm
  • 8 Comments