September 28, 2002
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And now, back to the honeymoon…. (part four)
(part five, if you count the “Welcome to New Mexico, white man,” story)
Our first night in Silver City, early in January, 1991, it
snowed. There was about an inch and a half of soft, warm snow on
the ground when we came out of the motel. [Yes, snow can be
"warm". When it is cold, it crunches; even colder, it
squeaks underfoot, but warm snow just goes squish.] As we drove
across town, Greyfox in the 4-wheel drive Jimmy and I driving little
Gina, the X1/9, we were the only cars on the streets. As we ate
breakfast and listened to people marveling over the snow, it melted
and the somewhat delayed morning rush hour traffic appeared.With my years of living in Alaska, and Greyfox’s having lived his
whole life where snow was an annual reality, we found many occasions
that winter for amusement at the different ways people perceive
cold. We’d both be in t-shirts when the locals were in parkas,
and that’s no exaggeration. By the time we left in spring, it was
too hot there for my comfort.We made many short trips around the area and visited parks and
museums. We found Rockhound State Park nearby in Deming, where
they allow visitors to take home rocks. The locality has some
beautiful agates. Near the entrance to the park, we found the
Geolapidary Museum, run by a couple of men to whom we both felt
immediate affinity and affection. We went back several times,
learning the geology of the area and fine-tuning our
mineral-identification skills. Other mineral museums we visited
on the trip, from Rapid City, SD, to Soccorro, NM, helped us learn to
distinguish one mineral from another.Deming’s big annual gem and mineral show, the Rockhound Roundup,
presented such a tempting array of rocks that we both began to feel as
if, just maybe, we were collecting too many rocks. At one booth,
when Greyfox expressed that sentiment, the old lady running the booth
said, “You can’t have too many rocks. If you ever get more than
you can haul, you can always park by the side of the road and sell
some.” It seems a prophetic remark, in the light of subsequent
events. Greyfox’s Last Stand started out selling rocks, some
jewelry I had made from rocks, and some herb plants I grew. When
Greyfox noticed that most of the people who stopped were women, he
added knives to his inventory to attract male customers. But that
wouldn’t start for three years yet.
In Silver City, we made a bunch of new friends. The first one,
we found at Bear Creek Herbs (left). Michael is a toad-licking
shaman who traveled to Mexico twice a year to collect herbs and
psychedelic toads. His mentor as an herbalist was Mexican, and
from Michael I learned about plants I’d never heard of before.
Michael steered us toward the local food co-op, where members all
spent time as volunteers minding the store, which brought us into
contact with people whose interests intersected ours. After
Greyfox started the nude modeling and teaching the intro to shamanism
courses (that’s him at right outside Light Hall at WNMU where he
taught) we met more, and the business cards we stuck on bulletin
boards all over town started bringing calls and even more interesting
people. We encountered some confusion because we called our
business “Soulmates Unlimited” and some thought it was a dating service.One card I put up in the laundromat in Bayard caught the eye of a
woman who taught school there and published a little weekly newspaper
devoted largely to environmental and “alternative” news. She
wanted to interview us, and we ended up having her over to our place
once, visiting her place a few times, and coming to school to show her
second grade class our rock collection. When she printed our
interview, it took up about three pages of the paper and dealt in depth
with how we met and some of our shared past life experiences.
“The Psychic and the Shaman” brought more interest in Greyfox’s classes
and our work.
When
we started looking for a place to live, it became apparent that Silver
City, being a college town, didn’t have much to offer in low-rent
vacancies. The places we looked at were either too expensive or
too squalid for us. We settled in Bayard, a few miles away, in a
trailer at a small 6-unit court beside the landlord’s house. The
view out our windows, past the neighbors’ trailers, was a fantastic
vista of hogbacks that lit up in glorious colors with the rising and
setting sun. Just across an arroyo, another neighbor had peacocks
and so our honeymoon was spent to the accompaniment of their cries for
“help”.Michael, the herbalist, mentioned to me that the desert was in bloom
around Saguaro National Monument, and since Greyfox was tied down at
the University teaching and posing for art students, I took off on a
week-long excursion alone in Gina, to see and photograph
wildflowers. A bit later, between terms when Greyfox had free
time, we did some excursions together. Those were fun times, and
we had a lot of fun in our little honeymoon trailer, too. I
wanted an apron and couldn’t find any for sale locally, so I made
one. As I sewed, he read aloud to me and it was pleasant for
both of us.We played cards (Samba) at our kitchen table overlooking the trailer
court. We noticed unusually heavy traffic at one neighbor’s
place, usually at night. We paid closer attention and soon
saw what appeared to be money and merchandise changing
hands. A few times we saw people in the cars or on the
porch, passing smokes around. Our conclusion was that there was
some drug dealing going on, and that it probably involved the sacred
herb that we were both missing. Greyfox finally asked the
neighbor one day when he saw him out in the yard, if he knew where we
could get any weed. He said he didn’t, and I guess we scared
him, because there was less of that traffic after that. The only
weed we had the entire time was a little film can sent to us from
Alaska by my ex.Honeymoons are generally supposed to be times of sexual indulgence,
and ours was all of that. “Pleasure breaks” could happen just
about any time unless Greyfox was depressed or upset. He was
having a lot of mood swings that mystified me until he revealed that he
had run out of Xanax and was having a hard time with the
withdrawal. I saw that as yet another betrayal, because he had
told me in Harrisburg that he was tossing out the rest of his
Xanax. He, even now, attributes his decision to take early
retirement and move to Alaska to impaired judgement from Xanax.
He doesn’t recall how long he was on it, somewhere between one and
three years. He didn’t know, until I showed him the PDR, that the
stuff was only to be prescribed for short-term management of acute
anxiety.Then there was the alcohol binge. Alcohol deserves some
comment here because it has been a focus of most of the trouble in our
relationship. One reason Greyfox wanted to come to Alaska was for
healing, to “fight” his addictions. For many years, he and I have
carried on a discussion of “fighting” versus “transcending”
addictions. I say that “what you resist persists” and that one
must, to succeed, let the addiction go. He is programmed
differently and it has only been very recently that the little light
bulb went on for him and he grasped that concept of
transcendence. I think he now has a chance.[edit, November 10, 2005:
I must have written this during one of Greyfox's occasional dry periods
of remorse following a big sickmaking binge. He did work at
staying sober from time to time, and from time to time he even
convinced me that he was going to make his abstinence permanent.
It was not until May 23, 2003,
that he started taking orthomolecular amino acid supplements,
transcended his old 12-step one-day-at-a-time programming and made a
lifetime commitment to staying clean and sober. He has kept that
commitment for two and a half years now, longer than I had seen him
stay sober, and goes to NA meetings mostly to play the heretic and tell
them that, "One day at a time is a back door through which it is easy
to relapse."]But back then, on our honeymoon, he was still playing games.
He said he needed to go on a shamanic retreat, that he felt impelled to
climb the mountain at Rockhound State Park and do a vision quest.
He left me in Bayard and went. What he ended up doing was parking
the Jimmy in the lot at the Geolapidary Museum and drinking about
three liters of hard stuff over the course of a couple of days.
That was during the filming of the movie, Gas Food Lodging there at the
museum. It was, of course, what he planned all along. When
he came back later than planned, sick, hungover and professing remorse,
I was pissed off. All indications suggest that he had been
accustomed to getting sympathy when he made himself sick.
Surprise, Vodka-breath! No sympathy here. Suffer, Asshole.I almost took off alone in Gina, headed north. He cried and
pleaded. He promised it would never happen again. He gave
me a reassuring line of bullshit I’ve heard, in practically the same
words every time, a dozen or more times since then. I recognized
it as “the addict talking”, something I know a lot about from street
experience and professional training. We talked about AA and
other addiction strategies. His alcoholism was never a secret,
and his lip-service has always maintained that he wanted to quit
drinking, while behaviorally he showed he was in denial about his
addiction.He is a classic binge drinker and his drunken behavior usually
involves bizarre public displays. I took a picture once, in our
driveway at home, of him naked and dancing on the roof of our
car. The pictures I’ve taken and some recordings I made of his
mooing sounds when he was in a blackout, have been effective tools for
showing him some advantages to sobriety, but not nearly as effective as
the time he was jailed when, in my absence as I worked a summer music
festival, a neighbor noticed him in the yard, naked, waving a gun
around and raving semi-coherently about killing himself.Greyfox’s latest binge was about two weeks ago. Several months
before that I had gotten fed up with his sneaking drinks in the
evenings at home and told him if he wanted to drink he’d have to do it
elsewhere. He has a little travel trailer parked on my lot across
the highway, and for months he would occasionally say he was
“going to spend the night across the road.” He has a hard time
talking about drinking, but we’re working on that as he begins to
see the addiction not in terms of “character defect” but in terms
of neurotransmitter imbalance. For the first few months of the
“over there” plan, he would be back in the morning. That last
time, however, he didn’t come back when he said he would.Midday, I went over and checked, determined he was still alive and
drunk, and left him there. That night he showed up on the
doorstep and I said he had to leave because he was still
intoxicated. Then, as I watched him stagger back out the
driveway and slam into a tree that was nowhere near his intended route,
I stopped him. He was soaked with cold rain, and barely
articulate. Shivering, all he could say was, “cold”. I let
him in and led him to his bed.Later, we had our old familiar confrontation about the drinking and
about the divorce. The gist of it is that I won’t be his enabler
and I don’t want to accept the risks he presents with his
drinking. One of those risks is my own anger. On one of his
binges, a four-day marathon that occurred at a time when he had several
commitments and I had to deal with the people who came around looking
for him, I came very close to killing him. I had had to wrestle a
loaded pistol away from him when he threatened to shoot me. Then
he passed out and I searched his trailer and removed all the
firearms. (Rules on his “over there” drinking would include
no firearms and no motor vehicles.) The search had turned up a
partial bottle and a full liter of alcohol. I poured them all
over his inert form and stood there with the lighter in my hand,
contemplating the delicious thought of fox flambé.Anyhow, that latest cold, wet binge of his, just possibly,
could really be his last. [Obviously, it wasn't, quite.] He
has changed his tune and begins to see some of the fallacies in his
belief system that have perpetuated the addiction. He’s working
on his neurotransmitters and willingly talking about his
cravings. A couple of days after that binge we went on our little
getaway for my birthday and had the sort of honeymoon I would have
loved the first time around. But that first time the honeymoon
wasn’t so great.
There
were good times, definitely. But being with a dysphoric addict in
withdrawal isn’t a whole lot more fun than being one.We packed up (note the stuff piled on and around our cars) and left
our little honeymoon trailer in Bayard. On the way out of town,
we stopped back at the elementary school again, at the invitation of
the second graders who had loved our rock show and tell. Each of
them had a gift for us, and we had to find room for another box of
rocks. One of those rocks I tried to refuse, but the teacher
assured me the child and his parents wished us to have it. It was
an ancient core stone of agatized wood, from which some knapper had
knocked flakes for tools. It is still the centerpiece of my
collection. I’m a fool for old artifacts. They have such
interesting stories to tell.
Neither
of us had ever been to Yellowstone. Our route north took us up
through Four Corners again, with stops in Canyonlands, Arches and
Dinosaur National Monument among others.We stayed a few days in the Inn at Old Faithful, a place I was
reminded of when we stayed recently at the Talkeetna Alaskan
Lodge. Our trip was timed to get us to Bellingham, Washington in
time to keep our reservations on the Alaska Marine Highway ferry.
The trip up the Inside Passage was beautiful.For me, getting home was wonderful. I had Doug on my lap
before I could get out of Gina. I threw myself into gardening and
Greyfox started building a sweat lodge. He was still dysphoric
and bitter, completely out of his element in a place where his public
relations skills (he had been a professional liar) had no
value and where he would be called upon to slime salmon and swing a
hammer and axe for the first time in his life. Still, there were
good times. The best thing about our little family (and all three
of us acknowledge this) is the laughter. If we didn’t all have
well-developed senses of humor, this could have turned into a
tragedy. But in our house, comedy is king.
Comments (11)
You are so brutally honest that it sometimes takes my breath away. As you are still together, I guess you have worked out some of the problems of the early days…you are a very tolerant person to persevere through the honeymoon. Spot
I’ll cop to being tolerant, but Greyfox is the one who perseveres. Just recently, the day after his last drunk, I asked him if the only way I could get him out of here was to go through the legal business of filing for divorce and a restraining order. He admitted it was.
He followed me home from the honeymoon. And he really is a fun person to be with most of the time. He just had some unfortunate family and cultural programming, and we both have addictions, only to different substances. We are soulmates, and it is easy for me to see these hassles between us as challenges to my own growth and transcendence. I need challenge. Without it, I just coast along, growing stagnant.
Did I mention that I love him? I really, really, wholeheartedly and unconditionally love him. It is just some of his behavior I don’t like. I’m not an easy person to live with, either.
Ah…love. I’ve watched my sister in law put up with the same shit (er…’scuse me) from my brother…the only man in my immediate biological family who’s not a recovering alcoholic…he prefers to practice it daily w/abandon.
My house feels like a sweat lodge right now. Who told summer it could come back in September??
I hate alcohol with a purple passion. Can’t we all just smoke some dope?
the one problem with dope is that it can turn you into an incredibly boring person.
well that, and the paranoia that accompanies it on occaision. (every recent occaision for me). at least its decriminalised here.
in any case, im with Susu. Love pulls you through no matter what. I can say this with some definitiveness as I am also with an undecisive Libran who doesnt realise when shes lying or hurtful but loves me completely and i love her. eh. lifes a sheet of glass presented to you and you blow your own bottle to sit in..
I liked how you said Vodka breath..suffer asshole LMAO
Sorry I haven’t been past recently… I’ve been busy having a life and haven’t put much time into Xanga.
Alcohol is a weird drug. I’ve never found it addictive – I can binge or have a brew a night and then have a dry month and not miss it in the least. I think the key is that it was never an escape for me. I either never had anything scary enough to retreat from or I just forced myself to deal with my crap dry. In fact – looking back at my life the times when I have gone grog-free are the times when I was under most stress and just dealing with it without the crutch.
Then again – some people DO have a physical tendency towards addiction to the drug and I’m not going to judge them in the least. I think the difference between a physical addiction and a psychological one is significant and probably makes for a lot of the difference in the transcendance vs forebearance debate you mentioned above.
YMMV
Ged
You ARE going to make this into a book, right?
I think it would do quite well….just keep it comin’! *HUGS* & Pax~Z
Whew! I’m glad it ‘s workin’
“Surprise, Vodka-breath! No sympathy here. Suffer, Asshole.” *lol*
Your relationship makes mine look pretty tame. That gives me much hope for a more positive direction.
I just finished the blog. Really very helpful.
Thanks for sharing such an amazing blog.
Tacoma Roofers
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<w:lsdexception locked=”false” priority=”63″ semihidden=”false”
unhidewhenused=”false” name=”Medium Shading 1 Accent 5″/>
<w:lsdexception locked=”false” priority=”64″ semihidden=”false”
unhidewhenused=”false” name=”Medium Shading 2 Accent 5″/>
<w:lsdexception locked=”false” priority=”65″ semihidden=”false”
unhidewhenused=”false” name=”Medium List 1 Accent 5″/>
<w:lsdexception locked=”false” priority=”66″ semihidden=”false”
unhidewhenused=”false” name=”Medium List 2 Accent 5″/>
<w:lsdexception locked=”false” priority=”67″ semihidden=”false”
unhidewhenused=”false” name=”Medium Grid 1 Accent 5″/>
<w:lsdexception locked=”false” priority=”68″ semihidden=”false”
unhidewhenused=”false” name=”Medium Grid 2 Accent 5″/>
<w:lsdexception locked=”false” priority=”69″ semihidden=”false”
unhidewhenused=”false” name=”Medium Grid 3 Accent 5″/>
<w:lsdexception locked=”false” priority=”70″ semihidden=”false”
unhidewhenused=”false” name=”Dark List Accent 5″/>
<w:lsdexception locked=”false” priority=”71″ semihidden=”false”
unhidewhenused=”false” name=”Colorful Shading Accent 5″/>
<w:lsdexception locked=”false” priority=”72″ semihidden=”false”
unhidewhenused=”false” name=”Colorful List Accent 5″/>
<w:lsdexception locked=”false” priority=”73″ semihidden=”false”
unhidewhenused=”false” name=”Colorful Grid Accent 5″/>
<w:lsdexception locked=”false” priority=”60″ semihidden=”false”
unhidewhenused=”false” name=”Light Shading Accent 6″/>
<w:lsdexception locked=”false” priority=”61″ semihidden=”false”
unhidewhenused=”false” name=”Light List Accent 6″/>
<w:lsdexception locked=”false” priority=”62″ semihidden=”false”
unhidewhenused=”false” name=”Light Grid Accent 6″/>
<w:lsdexception locked=”false” priority=”63″ semihidden=”false”
unhidewhenused=”false” name=”Medium Shading 1 Accent 6″/>
<w:lsdexception locked=”false” priority=”64″ semihidden=”false”
unhidewhenused=”false” name=”Medium Shading 2 Accent 6″/>
<w:lsdexception locked=”false” priority=”65″ semihidden=”false”
unhidewhenused=”false” name=”Medium List 1 Accent 6″/>
<w:lsdexception locked=”false” priority=”66″ semihidden=”false”
unhidewhenused=”false” name=”Medium List 2 Accent 6″/>
<w:lsdexception locked=”false” priority=”67″ semihidden=”false”
unhidewhenused=”false” name=”Medium Grid 1 Accent 6″/>
<w:lsdexception locked=”false” priority=”68″ semihidden=”false”
unhidewhenused=”false” name=”Medium Grid 2 Accent 6″/>
<w:lsdexception locked=”false” priority=”69″ semihidden=”false”
unhidewhenused=”false” name=”Medium Grid 3 Accent 6″/>
<w:lsdexception locked=”false” priority=”70″ semihidden=”false”
unhidewhenused=”false” name=”Dark List Accent 6″/>
<w:lsdexception locked=”false” priority=”71″ semihidden=”false”
unhidewhenused=”false” name=”Colorful Shading Accent 6″/>
<w:lsdexception locked=”false” priority=”72″ semihidden=”false”
unhidewhenused=”false” name=”Colorful List Accent 6″/>
<w:lsdexception locked=”false” priority=”73″ semihidden=”false”
unhidewhenused=”false” name=”Colorful Grid Accent 6″/>
<w:lsdexception locked=”false” priority=”19″ semihidden=”false”
unhidewhenused=”false” qformat=”true” name=”Subtle Emphasis”/>
<w:lsdexception locked=”false” priority=”21″ semihidden=”false”
unhidewhenused=”false” qformat=”true” name=”Intense Emphasis”/>
<w:lsdexception locked=”false” priority=”31″ semihidden=”false”
unhidewhenused=”false” qformat=”true” name=”Subtle Reference”/>
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unhidewhenused=”false” qformat=”true” name=”Intense Reference”/>
<w:lsdexception locked=”false” priority=”33″ semihidden=”false”
unhidewhenused=”false” qformat=”true” name=”Book Title”/>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:”Table Normal”;
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-parent:”";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin-top:0in;
mso-para-margin-right:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt;
mso-para-margin-left:0in;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:”Calibri”,”sans-serif”;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:”Times New Roman”;
mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;}