May 13, 2002

• Ever since I awoke to the realization that I was stuck here on the horns of a dilemma, I’ve known that it was a matter of conflicting values.

  
  

  I value life.  The conflict here is between quantity and quality.  I have reason to think that healthier habits might prolong my span.  The difficulty there is that a longer life with fewer pleasures has little appeal for me.  Seeking to be in the Now, I question whether that means living only for today.  Ideally, I want to live IN the present and FOR everything and all time.

  
  

  I value pleasure.  It’s hard sometimes to find pleasure in life when I am struggling for breath and too weak to move unsupported across a room.  On bad days, I cruise along the furniture and walls.  The better days in terms of strength, lung function and such, come at a cost of continual food cravings so intense that pleasure becomes a distant memory.

  
  

  I value health.  So far, my choice often seems to be between mental health and physical health.  “Seems” because it is arguable that even on my best days I have precious little of either.  My thinking on these matters is much more clear and coherent than I’ve been able to articulate here.  Part of the problem is words…the software I’m forced to work with.

  • 1:33 pm
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