Month: April 2008

  • One Nightmare, One Profoundly Disturbing Dream

    The truly scary nightmare from which I woke shaken and grieving in the middle of the night, now seems a little silly.

    My cat, Bagel, the funny-faced calico Fuzzle, after a lengthy and hard-fought legal battle in which Roger and Jeff, our legal team (in-joke there, never mind), had gone to the wall for her... dear little Bagel was executed for time travel without a license.

    I'm still shaking my head over the dream I slid into when I went back to sleep after that one.  I was helping a group of people prepare for a huge picnic.  Everyone else was working together on various tasks in one room of a big community hall, making lemonade, opening cans of beans, jars of pickles, etc., while I was in another room, slaughtering small animals for the barbecue.

    I got that job because nobody else could stand to do it.  Nobody even wanted to be in the same room while I was doing it, but someone came in occasionally to pick up a few that I'd done, so they could start cooking.

    I was exhausted by the time I was done, and moved to a couch in a far corner and sat down.  John Lennon came over and sat down beside me.  After a bit of conversation about people liked to eat animals but were not willing to kill them or get blood on their hands, he kissed me.  We snuggled there and talked a while longer until the others had things ready to transport to the park where the picnic was to be.

    The group loaded the SUV I was driving, and the station wagon John was driving.  I took off first, pulled up to the corner, where I was delayed by a block of people, a phalanx being directed by a woman with a megaphone.  John's wagon hadn't pulled in behind me by the time they cleared the intersection, so I pulled around the corner and parked to wait for him to follow me.

    He backed out of the driveway, drove over to the corner and stopped.  He was turned in his seat, talking to someone behind him for some time, so I got out and walked over to see what was holding him up.  There were several girls in the back of the station wagon, young women, grinning and giggling and simply enjoying John's company.  We convinced them that we had things to do, they reluctantly climbed out of the car, and we went on our way.

    That's all I recall.

  • 75 Years Ago, Day Before Yesterday, and Now

    My new album of images scanned from 3 issues of National Geographic Magazine published in 1932 and 1933 is HERE.  Greyfox bought the magazines at a recent gun show.  He, Doug, and I all agree that the ads are the most interesting parts, but there is a lot of bizarre and/or beautiful stuff in the articles, too. 

    I will be adding more images from time to time.  Scanning is hard work because I'm trying not to destroy the magazines in the process.  Images in the album (when viewed at full size) are big enough to read the text, and they are captioned with historical notes.


    On Saturday, I wrote, "I've forgotten more than I've learned in this life."  Then, instead of explaining what I meant by that, I suggested that readers could guess.  There were a few incorrect guesses and nobody hit it on the nose, so I explained HERE.


    Cats, lovely felines....

     

  • Metaprogramming and Self-Creation - Recommended Reading List

    Programming and Metaprogramming in the Human Biocomputer (1967) by John C. Lilly, MD was my introduction to metaprogramming.  I had never heard nor read the word before that, and to the best of my knowledge, he coined the term.  When I saw that title in a bookstore, I knew what it was about and I knew I had to have it.  It was just the beginning for me, though.  It told me that consciously altering my own programming was possible.  I had a long path ahead of me before I would develop any skill for doing it, or gain any ease at it.

    In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true is true
    or becomes true, within certain limits to be found experientially and experimentally.
    These limits are further beliefs to be transcended. In the mind there are
    no limits. (Lilly, from his 1972 autobiography, Center of the Cyclone) -quoted at Leri.org

    Lilly's original "Programming and Metaprogramming," has apparently become a rare book, judging by prices on Amazon.  Less expensive is "Programming the Human Biocomputer," attributed to Lilly, but with another writer as "translator" or "channel".  That one was published in 2004.  Lilly died in 2001.  I don't know, but until I find out, I'm not recommending it.  "The Steersman" is another such book bearing Lilly's name but not copyrighted by him or his estate.  An overview of his work, The Quiet Center:  Isolation and Spirit, was written/co-written by his adoptive son Philip Bailey Lilly, with an introduction by Tom Robbins.

    I have not heard John Lilly's audio CD Superspace, Space, and States, but I would like to, and I have to assume that it is worth a listen, especially for anyone, like me, who is more aural than visual.

    web resources:
    From Here to Alternity and Beyond - an interview with John Lilly
    Metaprogramming with LSD25 - Excerpts at Future-Hi

    John Lilly's metaprogramming method involved flotation tanks,
    isolation chambers, sensory deprivation, and psychedelic drugs.  All
    those things are interesting, fun and effective, but none of them is
    necessary.  No one of them or combination of them will inevitably
    enable a person to metaprogram himself, but for most people they will
    probably help.  There are also other ways to go about it.

    Several works by Robert Anton Wilson have been useful to me and my family and friends, in a metaprogramming way.  They include:
    Cosmic Trigger I and Cosmic Trigger II
    Prometheus Rising
    Quantum Psychology:  How Brain Software Programs You and Your World

    Antero Alli's book, Angel Tech: A Modern Shaman's Guide to Reality Selection, came to Greyfox and me as a review copy from the publisher while we were publishing The Shaman Papers.  I read it.  He skimmed it.  I grokked it and dug it.  He went "WTF" and put it down.  I corresponded briefly with Antero and had some reciprocal ads going with him until we stopped doing TSP.  He is not for everyone, and you can get some idea of his POV and methods from his website.  He has also published an oracle, The Vertical Oracle.  I have used it, not abused it, and learned from it.

    website:  Paratheatrical ReSearch
    Selections from The Akashic Record Player by Antero Alli

    Christopher Hyatt (AKA Allan Ronald Miller, the late occult writer) collaborated with Antero on A Modern Shaman's Guide to a Pregnant Universe.  He also wrote:
    Undoing Yourself with Energized Meditation and Other Devices
    Undoing Yourself Too
    Techniques for Undoing Yourself Volume 1
    Techniques for Undoing Yourself Volume 2
    Energized Hypnosis: A Non-Book for Self Change

    James Kent's book, Psychedelic Information Theory:  Shamanism in the Age of Reason hasn't been published yet.   You can find a preview and what looks to me like a lot of authoritative brain/mind info at tripzine.comGet with the Metaprogram, Kent's argument for the importance of metaprogramming, is at erowid.org.

    Timothy Leary's Info-Psychology:  A Revision of Exo-Psychology is a "Manual on the Use of the Human Nervous System According to the Instructions of the Manufacturers."

    "The Info-Worlds our species will discover, create, explore and inhabit
    in the immediate future will not be reached from launch pads alone, but
    also through our personal computer screens."  -Timothy Leary

    For many people, just reading some of these books will initiate them into metaprogramming.  Some other people, with imbalances in brain chemistry, might need to balance their neurotransmitters before they can effectively meditate and metaprogram.  Michael Hutchison, publisher of the now defunct and much missed newsletter, Mega-Brain Report, has written Mega Brain Power:  Transform Your Life with Mind Machines and Brain Nutrients.

    Smart Drugs and Nutrients and Smart Drugs II by Ward Dean and John Morgenthaler were seminal works in that field.  Cognitive Enhancing Drugs (Milestones in Drug Therapy), edited by Jerry J. Buccafusco, is a much more recent (2004), comprehensive text.  I have read the first two, and intend to read the last as soon as I can get it.

    I have left my metaprogramming favorite for last:

    How to Believe in Nothing and Set Yourself Free by Michael Misita, may not be the ultimate metaprogramming book, but once I had read it, I had no further need for the others.  Granted, yes, I had read quite a few others beforehand, but this one clears the decks, opens the windows and removes all the obstacles to conscious metaprogramming and self-creation.

    As in my first recommended reading list, on metaphysics and personal transformation, italicized book titles are links to Amazon and they pay me a small percentage of the price, although it costs you nothing extra.  If you decide to buy any of these books, please buy them this way so that I may help my hardworking ArmsMerchant pay my medical bills.

  • From Rage to Ingratiation and Back Again

    I have done a lot of preliminary poking around for my next booklist post, but also got off on a tangential path while dealing with some narcissistic behavior.  It has made for an interesting day, as I searched out and read websites
    on metaprogramming and conscious creation, with the other stuff in the back of my mind throughout.

    In NPD, the classic pathological narcissist has two basic responses to "narcissistic injury:" rage and ingratiation.  Usually, the narcissist pours out the rage on his social or intellectual inferiors and falls back on ingratiation with those he views as superiors.  In some instances, though, he can vacillate between the two states in a single relationship and that can be exhausting for a the person being treated to such a series of contradictory interactions.  In professional jargon we call it being jerked around.

    I'm tired, and I'm rushed because Doug wanted to be on the computer five minutes ago.  I just felt an urge to share with Xanga a book where NPD and metaprogramming intersect.  It will be included in that next booklist, with some details.

    Narcissism as Addiction to Esteem
    (PDF file)

    The Other NPD
    my take on covert narcissism

  • I've forgotten more than I've learned in this life.

    That apparently absurd statement is nevertheless true.  It came to me this morning as an epiphany.  Maybe I'll expand on it sometime, but not right now.  If you want to expand on it for me, guess at, deduce or intuit what I mean, feel free.  I'll at least tell you if you're cold or warm.

    I finally captured an image of the elusive PK this morning: Paring Knife, Petite Kitten, PatheticKat, PumpKin, runt of the Piebeans litter, warming herself on the front of the woodstove.  Her calico sister, Colander, is about twice her size, but PK holds her own in the Piebeans' prey play.  She can spring up and pounce as well as anyone, her teeth are as sharp, and she's quick, but she's a bony little thing.

    Temperatures on the last two nights, without cloud cover to keep things warm, have been around zero F.  During the day, snow on the roof melts, but even before sunset the drips turn to icicles.

    The cold weather has given me a chance in the mornings to walk on the crusty top of the snowpack, without breaking through.  In the image at left, a trail of cat tracks winds from bottom to top, crossed in the middle distance this side of the tree line, by a moose trail.

    Greyfox is in Eagle River this weekend, for the Lion's Club gun show.  He phoned and told me he'd forgotten to take one flat of his best knives, but the Lions have let him have a third table for the price of the two he had reserved.  Add to that the facts that he had forgotten to remove a box of jewelry from his car, and the Lions don't limit his merchandise strictly to knives, and things have balanced out in his favor.

    I am working on reading list #2, metaprogramming.  The first list is linked from a module, titled Recommended Reading Lists, on the left side of my main page, between current issues and worthy causes and my blogrings.  New lists will be added to the module as I post them, and old lists will be expanded whenever I think of new items to add.

    My time on the computer today is limited, so I'm going to get to work now.

  • This is a test. (weekly_writers_challenge #3)

    Our Challenge for this week is to write a letter to your younger self. You pick the age. Make it 1000 words or less.


    Hey,

    I am you, only I’m about fourteen or fifteen years in your
    future, and I’ve got some important stuff to tell you.

    You know that little sign that says, “This is a test.”?  Of course you do.  It has been popping into your mind when you
    meditate and in the hypnogogic state for how long now …weeks …months?  How about years?

    Okay, pay attention.  It
    is a test.  This time that you’re going through could be
    pivotal.  I don’t know what would happen
    to you if you fail that test, because I come from a timeline where you came
    through with flying colors and an A+, and I want to make sure you stay on
    course.

    Just hang in there.  I
    know you still sometimes wish you’d flicked that lighter and flambéed that
    stinking miscreant after you poured what was left of his last bottle of vodka all
    over his senseless naked bod, but that would have been arson and murder and
    just plain damned infra dig.

    He’s not going away. 
    I know he said over and over that he would leave just as soon as you two
    have carried through on the commitment for that shamanic seminar you’re planning.  Not only will he not leave afterward, he is
    going to get drunk right in the middle of the thing, turn it into chaos….

    Well, actually, it gets pretty chaotic before he gets drunk,
    and that collection of Xocoman Eagles and Jaguars who show up for the thing couldn’t
    peacefully coexist floating on a pink cloud in Heaven, so don’t beat him to
    death.  It’s just not worth the grief,
    and this is a test, remember?

    When the thing is all over, take a vacation.  Go south for the winter.  Hold it! 
    I know you’re thinking you don’t have the money for that and the kid has
    to go to school and you can’t leave him behind.

    You will have the money to get on your way when the time
    comes, and no matter how it looks a few times on the trip, you will get the
    money you need to get back home next year after breakup is over.  Stop worrying right now because, as I recall,
    the worries were the worst part, the only really bad part of the whole trip.

    There’s no reason to worry about the kid’s school.  The stupid teacher who held him back in 6th
    grade last year will wait until 6 weeks into the term before he admits there is
    nothing more he can teach him, and he will try to promote him to 7th
    grade then.

    His principal, and the one at the jr./sr. high, and the
    school counselor, will all recognize the perils in that, and nobody will object
    to your taking him out for a big field trip. 
    You and the kid both know already that he will have more learning
    opportunities that way than he would have sitting in school.

    So, go.  Don’t sweat the
    snow on the mountain passes.  Road
    construction and mud before you get to the passes will be bigger problems. 
    There’s enough room in the front and back trunks, behind the seats, in
    the passenger foot well and on the luggage rack of that X1/9 for all you need
    to take, and putting your pillows in the seat under the kid will give him a
    better view.   Don’t sweat how silly the
    snow shovel looks bungeed on the luggage rack, and keep the wire coat hangers.  You’re right:  you’ll need to dig out and you’ll have to tie
    the Fiat’s muffler back on – more than once.

    Don’t bother taking the microscope.  He’ll never use it.  Use that space for a can of coffee and a few
    packets of Kool-Aid.  You’ll be back on
    sugar and caffeine before you know it and you’ll want to be able to make your
    own drinks to save money.   Don’t
    worry
    , you’ll do fine.  Hell, you did fine.  It won’t be easy, but it will be fun.  It is okay to skip Disneyland for Joshua
    Tree, but don’t skip Circus Circus in Reno,
    and don’t beat yourself up about risking a few quarters in the slots.  You’re a winner.

    When you get back, you will find a different man here.  He’ll look just like the man you married, but
    he’s not.  You will still need to keep
    confronting his psychopathology and addictive behavior for another decade or so (Oh, stop whining!  You're good at it, and it'll be worth it.), and you’ll need to save
    his life a time or two.  Don’t worry
    about being an enabler for his addictions by saving his life.  Give him time but don’t give him any
    slack.  Keep confronting.  It’s no fun, but you’ll thank me, believe me.

    Remember:  THIS IS A
    TEST.  Go for it. You've always been good at tests.

  • Weekly Photo Challenge - Zoom In

    This week's subject is suggested by Jerjonji:

    Zoom in

    Snowflakes melting on a windshield, a redpoll high up in a tree.

    a tiny tuft of moss peeking from under a dry birch leaf, the underside of a mushroom cap,

    how a mat of moss on  the forest floor looks up close, a tadpole named Jumbo in the palm of my hand,

    inky cap mushrooms, the tiny flowers of shepherd's purse,

    seeds and silk of Epilobium angustifolium, pinhead-sized flowers of miti-yanagi (Polygonum aviculare)
     

  • Metaphysics and Personal Transformation -- Suggested Reading

    Recently, BoureeMusique asked me to write about metaphysics.  I was asked many moons ago by soul_survivor to compile a list of suggested reading.  It makes more sense to me to write about metaphysics in this way than to rehash the work of the writers and thinkers who have influenced my paradigm, or whose writing stimulates me to think or echoes my thinking.

    Metaphysics, the word, has come to be associated with the subtle forces and energies that are presumed to operate at a higher level of abstraction than "mere" physical science.  I have heard metaphysics called the source of and power behind the laws of physics, which is what theologians would call their field of study as well.   It is the realm of philosophy, cosmology, and ontology.

    Aristotle's was the first name associated with metaphysics.  According to the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy, "Aristotle himself did not use that title
    or even describe his field of study as ‘metaphysics’; the
    name was evidently coined by the first century C.E. editor who
    assembled the treatise we know as Aristotle's Metaphysics out
    of various smaller selections of Aristotle's works. The title
    ‘metaphysics’ — literally, ‘after the
    Physics’ — very likely indicated the place the
    topics discussed therein were intended to occupy in the philosophical
    curriculum. They were to be studied after the treatises dealing with
    nature (ta phusika)."

    The most frequent criticism I have of metaphysical writings is that they are just the same old same old.  I know that a few people have gained massive wealth through rehashing the classics.  Deepak Chopra, I think, fits that category.  I have found nothing original or new in his work, but there is ample reason for his popularity.  His prose is accessible.  He writes for everyone, even those who prefer to view spirituality without reference to a god.  One of his recent books, Power, Freedom, and Grace:  Living from the Source of Lasting Happiness is elegantly simple and short.  It would be an appropriate introduction to his work for someone who hasn't read him before, an easy entree into metaphysics for someone new on the Path, or a pleasant evening's read for anyone.
     
    Neale Donald Walsch's work will not appeal to everyone, which I feel is unfortunate because he bridges the gap between theology and spirituality.  His work is particularly appropriate for Christians (especially Roman Catholics, for that is his background) who seek relief from guilt and dogma and a deeper communion with Spirit.  I received a review copy of Conversations with God:  An Uncommon Dialogue in audiobook form when it was newly published.  I have since read the entire CWG series, plus What God Wants, Communion with God and Friendship with God.  None of the books has for me the pleasure or impact of hearing Neale read his side of the conversations on the audiobook, to be answered alternately by Ed Asner and Ellen Burstyn, reading God's part.  (BTW:  What God wants is NOTHING.  What omnipotent being would want or need anything it does not already have?)

    Another writer whose work is not for everyone is Gregg Braden.  I'm not sure his writing is for me.  He seems to be writing for New Agers without much grounding in science.  In the early 1990s, when I was willing to accept being labeled "New Age" largely because I knew I wasn't part of the Archaic Revival, I was impressed by what Braden had to say about earth changes and the paradigm shift, but recently the thing about him that impresses me most is his drive for self-promotion. 

    I read his book, Awakening to Zero Point:  the Collective Initiation years ago, and am currently reading The Divine Matrix:  Bridging Time, Space, Miracles and Belief.  There is no specific element of his information that I can authoritatively refute, but I find it hard to read without having my eyes glaze over and my attention stray.  This is in contrast with Einstein's Relativity & the Quantum Revolution: Modern Physics for Non-Scientists a course on audio cassettes by superstar professor Richard Wolfson that held Doug and me spellbound for hours and days last winter, and left us with a clear understanding of the subject.  If Braden turns you on and you dig what he is presenting, then you have lots of company.

    Greyfox is currently having a problem with The Law of Attraction: the Basics of the Teachings of Abraham, by Esther and Jerry Hicks, similar to my problem with Gregg Braden.  The teachings work for him, but he has a hard time wading through what he calls, "the New Agey channel-speak," and he was already familiar with the law of attraction before he started.

    Chopra writes for everyone.  I think Walsch would like for everyone to read his work, but his appeal is narrower than that of Chopra because of the Christian bias in it.  I frankly don't know what demographics might profit from Braden or Abraham-Hicks.   E. J. Gold writes for a range of audiences, but the work of his that I loved best and that made me fall in love with E. J., The Human Biological Machine as a Transformational Apparatus, was written for a very small intellectual elite.  In the introduction, he attempts to discourage those of limited vocabulary or lazy mind from reading any further.  The book is priceless, and worth every effort it takes to read and comprehend it.

    Another priceless work, The Urantia Book, is, in part, as accessible as Chopra, but the first part of it is even more difficult reading than Gold.  When I read it, thirty-two years ago, I followed the plan suggested by Clyde Bedell in his Concordex to the Urantia Book, and started with the first, extremely difficult paper -- difficult partially because it uses new words and defines them in their context as it goes along, and partially because it was presenting concepts that were new to me at the time. 

    Then, as a reward for my work, following Bedell's suggestion, I flipped through the Concordex (concordance + index) to find a subject of interest to me, and read that paper (U. Book has "papers" not chapters) in the back portion of the book, going back next to read the second paper, then rewarding myself for that effort, and so on.  It only took 3 or 4 repetitions of that pattern before I got caught up in the text and read on through from beginning to end.

    I started as an agnostic leaning toward atheism because the religions I knew were in clear conflict with demonstrable scientific fact.  I finished the book in three months.  Most days, I read about twelve hours a day, more than that on some days.  It was my occupation for those months.  For my effort I was rewarded with a number of epiphanies, a new kind of prayer, and ultimately the Spirit of Truth.  I ended up as a gnostic, in communion with Spirit.  All conflict between science and religion was resolved to my satisfaction.  I find the debate between creationists and evolutionists to be foolishly shortsighted on both sides. 

    I cannot in all honesty say that I believe wholeheartedly in the Urantia Book.   I found some things in there that are not supported by my experience and that conflict with the knowings of my soul.  I can accept this, however, without discarding everything in the book, because the book itself says that it is limited by the level of human understanding at the time it was written, and it certainly far excels any of the holy books of the many religions I have studied.  

    Who Wrote the Urantia Book?   Plenty of people have disputed what the book says of its own origins, but no one has successfully refuted it.

    In the years since I read the book, I have become aware of several archaeological discoveries that might confirm portions of the Urantia Papers.  Two are the Foxhall peoples of Britain and a recent fossil find in Spain.   A couple more links you might find interesting or informative are Urantology and the   Quote of the Day.

    Italicized book titles on this page are links to Amazon.com, and I get a kickback from them if you buy.  If you want to buy any of those books, I would appreciate your doing it through my links so that I may help my hardworking husband pay my medical bills.  If you would like to own a hardcover Urantia Book, they are available.  The book is also available in paperback and an indexed version with free audiobook on DVD.

    Full-text online editions are also available from:
    The Jesusonian Foundation
    The Urantia Book Fellowship
    The Urantia Foundation

    No booklist on metaphysics and personal transformation would be complete without Psychic Warrior by David Morehouse, Cosmic Voyage by Courtney Brown, Dying to Live by Tolly Burkan, and Saved by the Light, At Peace in the Light, and Secrets of the Light by Dannion Brinkley.  All are autobiographical works by men whose life experiences lifted them out of the ordinary and into the paranormal.

    This is the first of a projected series of "recommended reading" posts.  I'm not sure which topic to address next.  Serious suggestions will be given due consideration.

  • Serendipitous Search Engine Synchronicity

    In today's news, I learned that Daniel Radcliffe is scheduled to open on Broadway in September, in a revival of Peter Schaffer's play, Equus.

    That's today.  Yesterday, just yesterday, I learned that he had a hit in the same role in London last summer.

    Here's how far out of touch I am:  when I happened upon a black and white version of the top image in the triptych below, while searching for something quite unrelated (search terms "too much information"), I didn't recognize the young man in the photo.

    His face was familiar, and if I had seen then the image at lower left, I might have known who he was.  As it was, the vague familiarity of that face caused me to call Doug over to see if he could put a name to it.  He, too, said he looked familiar, but he didn't know who it was. 

    The image I saw was identified only as "Equus," so I started a new search for that term, and this led me to an identification of the young man as Daniel Radcliffe, which still didn't mean anything to absent minded me, until I said it aloud to Doug and he said, "Harry Potter."

    The second search also brought me a fuller frontal shot, and several blogs and forum threads where various presumably teen-or-younger people of both sexes expressed their delight or horror at the pictures, and their disbelief that Harry Potter would appear nude, or that the pictures were genuine.

    Beautiful, isn't he?  And we know he can act.  I guess we will be seeing more of him in more roles in times to come.


    In older news, Lance Mackey brought Zorro home:

    Mackey said Zorro, even at age 9, still might have had another year or two or racing in him. He finished in Mackey’s winning Quest team this year and was also in his starting Iditarod team before suffering an injury in a fight with his brother, Larry.

    “He was one of my best dogs,” Mackey said of Zorro.

    While Mackey has talked to the driver of the snowmachine that hit him and said the driver will help pay for some of Zorro’s vet bills, as well as a new sled, he still has declined to reveal the driver’s name or pursue a criminal case against him.

    “I think it’s been rough enough as it is on him,” Mackey said of the snowmachine driver, whom the musher said was intoxicated. “I just want him to make right with the vet bills and the sled.”

    Zorro’s vet bills are now more than $8,700, Mackey said. The dog still needs help walking and requires medication several times a day.

    Mackey said he contacted Alaska State Troopers after the accident but was told the most that troopers could do after the fact was pursue reckless driving charges against the man. Mackey said he’s not interested in making a big deal about the actions of the snowmachiner, even though some people “would like to hang him up by his toes.”

    “Accidents happen every day, and it just so happened to me,” Mackey said.

    full story at newsminer.com


    I'm still having fun with my Xanga Footprints.  Today, one of them revealed that someone in France likes my moogle pictures, and someone in Germany had somehow found and accessed my post from about this time last year, on Twenty-three and the Law of Fives.  I reread it and decided it was worth placing a link in the "...and then" module down on the left on my main page.  It had been part of a set, so I also linked to Conspiracies and Conspiracy Theories.

  • Averting Panic

    I was on the edge of panic from the moment I read the mail that Doug brought in and laid on the desk while I was asleep last night.  A letter from the hospital, dated April 1, gave me ten days to pay the full $6,519.23 for my stay there in December, or it will be turned over to collection.  That scares me because it could, at best, cause my credit card interest rates to go up, and might even get my cards canceled.  We live on those cards during the off season, and they enable us to purchase the stock that Greyfox sells to support us and, if business is brisk, to pay down the credit card balances during the tourist season.

    It was barely after 6 AM, too early to call the hospital's business office.  I waited until 7:30, then tried calling Greyfox and got his voice mail. (He's my husband, in case you're new here, who lives most of the time where he works  The phone is my lifeline to him.)  While I was waiting, I tried to reason with myself.  Telling myself not to panic was only partially successful.  I worried myself into an asthma attack, so I sat down on the bed and used the nebulizer for a while.

    At one point, as I was getting things together to make breakfast, I got a little scared at the thought of how I was reasoning with myself:  earnestly, seriously, but silently, talking to myself as if I wasn't me but someone else.  That's nuts, right?  Never mind, don't answer that.  Nutz-R-Us -- I know that.  When I met my husband, he said I was the first professional crazy person (psychic) he'd ever been acquainted with.  For a fleeting crazy moment there, I was worried for my own sanity.  In my more rational moments I know, deep down, that I'm the sane one and the rest of the world is nuts, and you don't have to tell me that THAT in itself is a sign of insanity.

    When I am troubled or tense, I tend to walk.  I used to take long walks in parks when I lived in cities, and out here I used to follow a trail along a bluff to the banks of the Susitna River, which is a mile away as the raven flies and maybe three times that far on that trail made by moose and bears.  This morning, I was pacing my kitchen floor.  That's a foolhardy act for a convalescent asthmatic with M.E.   I caught myself, reined myself in before I had to go sit back down and nebulize, but not before I'd gotten a screaming pain in my left knee.

    While I was grilling my wheat-free, sugarless pancake to wrap around my artificially sweetened yogurt for a comfort food treat of not-cheese not-blintzes, I faced my fear. 


    I must not fear.
    Fear is the mind-killer.
    Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
    I will face my fear.
    I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
    And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
    Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
    Only I will remain.

    Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear
    From Frank Herbert's Dune Book Series
    © 1965 and 1984 Frank Herbert

    It strikes me now as slightly odd that, after having spent decades reading dozens of self-help books and many of the works of masters of metaphysics, most of my most useful concepts come from works of fiction.

    The hospital has a Charity Committee that reviews the financial records of patients and awards discounts based on their ability to pay.  Two separate financial counselors at the hospital and some other people in the hospital administrative office have separately assured Greyfox and me that we qualify for 100% charity relief. 

    We have spent months complying with contradictory requests and demands from the various people involved, trying to provide all the documentation that they needed, and when it finally went to the Committee, their determination somehow was based on an erroneous figure of $2,880 a month average income last year for our household of 3, which is significantly more than we had.  The Charity Committee, based on that erroneous figure, granted us 80% relief.  We got the letter this week, and were advised by an administrator to submit it for reconsideration based on the accurate monthly figures.

    As soon as the hospital's business office was open, I called.  I had talked previously to a woman there who had called me the first of this month.  She had told me I had only "a limited time," to pay the bill before it went to a collection agency.  When I asked her how much time I had, she evaded my question and told me we "need to keep bugging those charity people."  The one I spoke to today said they could offer an additional discount if we pay within the deadline, by April 17, bringing the bill down to just over $1,000 (I was listening, but my brain was fried from fear, and I don't recall the exact number.)

    I asked this one if the deadline could be extended because the committee was reconsidering our application, or if a partial payment would delay their turning it over to collection, and her answer was a flat, "no."  I explained our situation, and that the erroneous figure that went to the committee was the work of a person whose job title is "financial counselor," who could not distinguish between business income and personal income.  That made no difference.

    I finally got through to Greyfox a few minutes ago, and he left a voice mail for Robin, one of the administrative people he has been talking to, then called another one, Pat, who said she would send priority emails to Robin and Kim, to see what could be done.  Meanwhile, to avert my panic and feel like I'm doing all I can, I'm dragging out the begging hat again.

    I didn't like doing this the first time, but I was gratified by the generous response of a few Xangans even though my plea came right after the year-end holidays when most people's budgets are stretched to the limit.  You guys helped us make it through the winter and to make enough little payments to the two doctors, Xray tech, paramedics, and local clinic, to keep them satisfied.  This time, I'm doing it a week before tax time (Thanks be to poverty, we don't owe any taxes.), so I don't know what, if any, response there will be.  I am just doing it because I can't think of anything else I can do.

     Spare
    change?

    This is my begging hat.  It is
    a link to PayPal.  If you haven't read the story of why I'm
    begging, my recent ambulance ride and hospitalization, it is there to
    be found in the archives of my entries from December.  If you would like to
    contribute, but prefer not
    to use PayPal, my husband has posted his postal mailing address at ArmsMerchant.