My anam cara claims I'm "damn irritating," and says she thinks I derive a sense of accomplishment if what I say, "hurts, annoys or promotes some
reaction," in those who read or hear it.  Don't be misled by that.  She loves me, and I love her.

Her daughter told her, "Kathy's full of alien knowledge from
galaxies far far away.  You just don't speak her language.  She speaks
XYZ and you speak ABC."

I suppose that some of what I know, and many ideas about which I think, speak and write, do come from places and planes outside the ordinary, but the language I speak and write is English, even though English is too limiting for me to be able entirely to think in it.  But even so, I don't think in some alien language from off-planet.  I think in a mishmash of terrestrial tongues as well as in pictures and nonverbal memes. 

English lacks any word for वैराग्य.  The best we can do to express वैराग्य is to negate its opposite.  It takes a paragraph to express 侘寂 in English, and even then one is likely to face blank incomprehension from American Anglophones whose aesthetic has been molded by Hallmark cards and TV commercials.  I find it unhelpful for purposes of intercultural understanding that many people are content to translate, "saudade," as νοσταλγία, and thus miss its subtle essence.  Don't even get me started on the many ways Anglophones mangle the pronunciation of the Portuguese, "saudade."

My soul sister Sydney/Sarah also thinks that I "hold up a mirror," and when others accuse me, or perceive me as
being something or some way (such as irritating), they are in reality, looking at themselves.  I've heard that idea before, about people seeing in others the things they don't see or don't want to see in themselves.  I'm not sure if it applies more to me than to anyone else.

If I hold up any mirrors, the damn things are double-sided.  I spend much time looking deeply into my own eyes and soul.  The great writer, poet, and astrologer Linda Goodman said that a Virgo in a room with someone else and a mirror is more likely to look in the mirror than at the other person.  I'm sort of a Virgo, but not just a Sun Sign Virgo.  In my natal chart, Sun, Mercury (Virgo's "ruler" in the old system in place at the time of my birth), Jupiter, Chiron (Virgo's ruler now, since its discovery), and the asteroids Ceres and Vesta, are all in Virgo. 

I know a little bit about a lot of things and a lot about me.  I have a black belt in socially inept introspection.  Wait a minute.  I think that was supposed to be "socially inept introversion."  Whatever.  If I have to hold up something, heaven forbid it should be a bank or a liquor store.  A mirror is fine by me.

Early one morning in the middle of last week, I woke up to find among the comments on my entry of the previous day, one from a dear friend.

She said:
If
your ears were ringing or burning recently, it was in part due to a
discussion about you.  We were hashing out why you are so damn
irritating at times.
My contention was that you have *transcended*
the need to approach *us* with softness.  Tact.  Gentle, warm &
fuzzy layers of truth; that you hold up a mirror --

Thus, it is my belief that when *we* accuse you, or perceive you as
being something or some way, we are in reality, looking at ourselves.

You call it like you see it.  If it hurts, annoys or promotes some
reaction, than I think YOU think you've accomplished something.

And then you watch the pieces fall into place.  That takes an enormous amount of patience, strength and discipline.

I replied immediately and appended this caveat:  "BTW, it's early in the morning and I'm not
fully awake and my blood sugar is low, so I reserve the right to come
back later and restate all of the above."  The bare bones of the response I gave at the time are below, revised and expanded for clarity and greater accuracy.
@BlueCollarGoddess -

"Gentle, warm &
fuzzy layers of truth;"  Don't you mean, "gentle, warm & fuzzy layers of bullshit concealing the truth?"

"You call it like you see it.  If it hurts, annoys or promotes some
reaction, then I think YOU think you've accomplished something."

You
got part of it, I think, and missed the mark on the rest.  If I manage
to find the words to say it like I see it, to my satisfaction, I know I have accomplished something. 

If
I say it okay but nobody hears me, so what?  It doesn't diminish my accomplishment, as long as I gave it my best shot and came reasonably close to the truth. 

Hurt, annoyance, and any such responses are the responsibility of the people making them, and none of my business.   I take responsibility for my feelings, and don't accept responsibility for anyone else's.  If I were so unevolved as to take offense at your laying responsibility for your irritation on me and calling me, "damn irritating," then where would we be?

If I were setting out to make an impression, to get a response, to elicit a certain feeling, then I would have to accept some responsibility.  I have enough responsibility here, taking care of my own business, not letting other people's opinions of me puff up my ego or hurt my feelings, so I don't go around aiming to disturb or offend.  Neither do I go around aiming to please or impress.  Communication and self expression are what I'm doing.

If
someone engages me on points of fact, or even points of semantics, and
a discussion ensues, that's fun and it can also be instructive -- both
ways.  If I learn something from a discussion I've instigated, then I
have really accomplished something, and I don't want another person taking credit for what I learn.  It is enough that they take the credit for having stated their facts and made their point and for getting my point if I have successfully made a valid one.

The point of this exchange is attachment to results.  You assume that I do what I do to achieve a certain result.  In whatever I do, even when I have a goal in mind, perhaps especially when I have a goal in mind, my focus is on doing it, whatever it is I am doing, as well as I can.  When I plant a seed, it is with care and with skill I took care to learn.  I am pleased if the seed germinates, matures, and produces something of value, but I know that crop failures happen and I don't lay big expectations on that little seed.

Communication is one of the things I do, one of my specialties.  When I communicate, I concern myself with the process, with my accuracy, truth, coherence, and such, but not with the result.  I may never be as skilled at it as I want to be, but I do it fairly well.  I put a lot of thought and care into it, and love.  Some people don't feel the love, because their definitions of love are not the same as mine.  Some people expect those who love them to appease and placate them.  They are expecting others to make them "feel good," and when their expectations are not fulfilled they choose to feel "bad" about it.  No expectations = no disappointments.

Greyfox often says that some people love to win and others hate to lose.  I don't have expectations of or attachment to results.  My ego is not invested inthe outcome, so I don't hate to lose.  I do love to win.  In communication, "winning" is getting my point across, having my facts straight, sending a message that is clear and coherent.  Even when I fail at some part of that, I can still come out a winner if someone gives me clear and accurate feedback so that I can correct my errors.  Then I learn something from the exchange.   That's a win.

If someone takes offense at what I've said, but can't dispute the truth of it, they might come back at me with an accusatory or defensive reply.  When that happens, sometimes I just let it go and sometimes an extended exchange of communication results.  My response depends on the situation.  Often, I keep trying to find an acceptable way to state the offensive truth, not to be offensive, but just to communicate, to get the message across.  I don't chalk up a point for me when somebody gets my point.  It's a point for them, and nobody loses.

Has "creepy" acquired a new connotation while I wasn't paying attention?  I have always taken it to mean "making the skin crawl," as in eerie. 

Merriam-Webster has it as:

The Online Etymology Dictionary says:

This issue came up because a couple of evenings back I finally found wing'd, the book of Kyle Simonsen's poetry I'd bought some time ago, maybe even as long ago as 2007.  It had been lost in my clutter, evidently carried off by cats who liked the phosphorescent lime green ribbons that came tied around it.

Having finally had a chance to read it, I found reason to question the judgment laid upon it by someone who signed him-or-herself, "Blood Pudding Press", who, in thanking me for buying it, called the work, "creepy/yummy."

I wouldn't want to eat it, nor even want to taste it, but I understand that "yummy" has become a more or less generic expression of approval.  It is the "creepy" part that puzzles me. 

Perhaps the writer of that little thank you note gets creeped out about sex...  naah, that can't be it, not in this enlightened day and age.

I have always enjoyed the way the man plays with words.  Here is one example, from the poem, "canyons flood."

Not the strongest example from the book, that one is one of few that I felt could be extracted, a brief snippet, without suffering too much from losing its context.  Kyle's words carry me on long strange convoluted journeys, but they certainly don't creep me out.  Maybe I'm missing something.  My main problem with poetry in general is that it makes me work to get it.  I keep making the effort because sometimes, like this time, there are rewards.

The list is long and growing longer.  From time to time I weed out some old ones and put in some new ones, but usually not at the top or bottom, so you'll just have to scroll through them if you want to find any changes.

"If you've ever awakened from a dream because you knew it was a dream . . . taking it one step further. . . if you awaken from here and realize it's a dream, you're in the waking state.
~E. J. Gold

"It's infinitely simple. You could sum up the secrets of the universe in two sentences:  Be where you are. Choose what you want."
-- Gradius & Ragon

"In Oneness, there is no such thing as disagreement. There is simply infinite variance upon the same, one theme. As your Reconnected Planetary Heart begins to beat in rhythm with this simple truth, your need for policemen and courtrooms will vanish. The time and resources once used to maintain them will be re-allocated to other endeavors. That alone could feed and clothe all the people of the world several times over.
~ The Reconnections

"There's nothing to writing.  All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein."
~Walter Wellesley "Red" Smith

"Writing is easy, you just sit down and open a vein."
~Ring Lardner, attributed by Dorothy Bryant

"Writing is easy:  All you do is sit staring at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead."
~Gene Fowler

"Be obscure clearly."
~E.B. White
 
"I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center."
~Kurt Vonnegut

"The human race divides politically into those who want people to be controlled and those who have no such desire. The former are idealists acting from highest motives for the greatest good of the greatest number.  The latter are surly curmudgeons, suspicious and lacking in altruism, but they are more comfortable neighbors than the other sort."
&
"Stupidity cannot be cured with money, or through education, or by legislation. Stupidity is not a sin, the victim can't help being stupid. But stupidity is the only universal capital crime; the sentence is death, there is no appeal, and execution is carried out automatically and without pity."
---Robert Anson Heinlein
from Notebooks of Lazarus Long

"At least two thirds of our miseries spring from human stupidity, human malice and those great motivators and justifiers of malice and stupidity, idealism, dogmatism and proselytizing zeal on behalf of religious or political idols." 
--Aldous Huxley

"Nobody is more dangerous than he who imagines himself pure in heart, for his purity, by definition, is unassailable."
 --James Baldwin

"No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks." 
--Mary Wollstonecraft

"There are many people who reach their conclusions about life like schoolboys: they cheat their master by copying the answer out of a book without having worked the sum out for themselves."
---Søren Kierkegaard

“Truth will have no gods before it. The belief in truth begins with the doubt of all truths in which one has previously believed.” 
-- Friedrich Nietzcshe,
in Human, All Too Human: A Book for Free Spirits

"The bigotry of the nonbeliever is for me nearly as funny as the bigotry of the believer." 
-- Albert Einstein

You cannot put spiritual joy under a microscope; you cannot weigh love in a balance; you cannot measure moral values; neither can you estimate the quality of spiritual worship.
--The Urantia Book,
Page 2095 (196:3.5)

"More faults are committed while we are trying to oblige than while we are giving offense."
 ---Tacitus---

"The answer is never the answer. What’s really interesting is the mystery. "
 ---Ken Kesey---
9/17/1935-11/10/2001
Merry Prankster
American writer

"Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes."
---Carl Gustav Jung---

"It is proof of a base and low mind for one to wish to think with the masses or majority, merely because the majority is the majority. Truth does not change because it is, or is not, believed by a majority of the people."
---Giordano Bruno---

"The final conflict will be between Pavlov's dog and Schroedinger's Cat."
---RobertAnton Wilson---

"TRUTH is within ourselves; it takes no rise,
From outward things, whate’er you may believe.
There is an inmost centre in us all,
Where truth abides in fullness; and around,
Wall upon wall, the gross flesh hems it in,
    This perfect, clear perception—which is truth.
A baffling and perverting carnal mesh
Binds it, and makes all error: and, to KNOW,
Rather consists in opening out a way
Whence the imprisoned splendour may escape,
Than in effecting entry for a light
Supposed to be without."
---Robert Browning---

"America will never be destroyed from the outside.  If we falter and lose ourfreedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves."
---Abraham Lincoln---

"Of all the enemies to public liberty war is, perhaps, the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other. War is the parent of armies; from these proceed debts and taxes...known instruments for bringing the many under the domination of the few. ... No nation could preserve its freedom in the midst of continual warfare."
---James Madison---
from Political Observations, 1795

"One of the most calming and powerful actions you can do to intervene in a stormy world is to stand up and show your soul."
from Letter to a Young Activist in Troubled Times
---Clarissa Pinkola Estés, PhD---

"There are two things you can truly call your own: Attention and Presence"
---E.J. Gold---

"Without education we are in a horrible and deadly danger of taking educated people seriously."
---G. K. Chesterton---

"Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocre minds. The latter cannot understand it when one does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses their intelligence."
---Albert Einstein---

"Enlightenment is man's emergence from his self-imposed immaturity. Immaturity is the inability to use one's understanding without guidance from another. This immaturity is self-imposed when its cause lies not in the lack of understanding, but in the lack of resolve and courage to use it without guidance from another. Have courage to use your own understanding!"
---Immanuel Kant---

"Any idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all."
---Oscar Wilde---

"Rely not on the teacher, but on the teaching.
Rely not on the words of the teaching, but on the spirit of the words.
Rely not on theory, but on experience.
Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it.
Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations.
Do not believe anything because it is spoken and rumored by many.
Do not believe in anything because it is written in your religious books.
Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders.
But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and the benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it."
---the Buddha, Kalama Sutra---

"The spirit of resistance to government is so valuable on certain occasions, that I wish it to be always kept alive.  It will often be exercised when wrong, but better so than not to be exercised at all. I like a little rebellion now and then."
---Thomas Jefferson---
from a letter to Abigail Adams,
February 22, 1787

"Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace.  The soul that knows it not, knows no release from little things."
---Amelia Earhart---

Don't worry about people stealing your ideas.  If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.
---Howard Aiken---

"Priests are no more necessary to religion than politicians to patriotism."
---John Haynes Holmes---
American clergyman & reformer
(1879-1964)

"How simple it is to see that all the worry in the world cannot control the future.  How simple it is to see that we can only be happy now and that there will never be a time when it is not now."
---Gerald Jampolsky---

"Traditional American values:  genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods."
---George Carlin---

"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?  It is because we are not the person involved."
&
"The difference between truth and fiction:  Fiction has to make sense."
---Mark Twain---

"What people are ashamed of usually makes a good story."
---F. Scott Fitzgerald---
from The Love of the Last Tycoon

"Almost all our faults are more pardonable than the methods we think up to hide them."
---Francois de la Rochefoucauld---

I looked out this morning and saw snow -- beautiful snow -- everywhere.  It's the kind of scene that many people say looks like a Christmas card.  It had been snowing most of the night, apparently.  I had to get some pictures, so before I did anything else, I slipped into snojogs, sweater and hat, grabbed the camera and went out.

I hadn't gone three steps before I had snow down my boot tops, but not much.  I kept going.  Seriously now, if you must have snow, wouldn't you rather have this:

(today)
...than this?

(yesterday)

The temperature while I was out there was an even 32.0, just freezing, and the air was still.  A breeze came up before I was through shooting, and clumps of snow started falling from the trees.  It is now almost up to 40 degrees out there, and the snow on the trees looks ragged and patchy.  I caught the fragile beauty just in time.

I heard one bird and saw another while I was out there.  A raven flew over silently, and some other, smaller bird with a two-note song kept repeating it over and over.  It sounded to me as if he was singing, "joy joy."  I walked in the compacted snow of a neighbor's tire track, to the end of the block and back, then back into the yard for some close-up shots.

Koji was out on his chain while I was out there.  He loves snow, as all real huskies do.  He has some sled dogs in his family tree.  He is my buddy.  This picture is my new desktop image now.  We shall see how long it lasts before Doug changes it.

I came in, switched my snojogs for scuffs, and started making coffee.  The first jug of water I picked up was almost empty, not enough in there to go glug as I poured.  As I poured it into the coffeemaker, the water whispered, "joy joy."

We got it anyway.  For a while, it didn't know if it wanted to rain or snow, then it finally settled on snow and the snow started settling on everything.

When I captured these images earlier today, there were a couple of inches of new snow.  Just before I sat down here to upload them, the new accumulation had more than doubled.  It looks like 5 or 6 inches now, on my "snow gauge," the tops of the posts in the yard.

Doug had thoughtfully placed the firewood you can see in the top image a few days ago so we could get out the driveway without getting our feet wet.  I hadn't stepped on them until today.  I discovered that two of them rock underfoot.  I made it from one to the other, then that one dumped me into the slush.

When I got out to the road, I took this shot, then used my shirttail to dry the cylinder that extends the lens from the camera, so it wouldn't carry the moisture back into the camera body when I turned it off.  Then I shut it down, capped the lens, and didn't bother trying to use the steplogs, just slogged through the slush.

I turned around when I got past the low spot, turned the camera back on, and got this shot of my tracks, then dried it off again, capped it, and came back inside.  I now get all the snow I need, looking out the window.

I have had way too little time at the computer lately.  I have to work around Doug's schedule on Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday.  This Tuesday, Greyfox was here bringing groceries, books, videos and stuff, and he was at the computer practically all the time he was here.  I cooked and served him two meals at the keyboard, and Doug and I watched a rented DVD he'd brought for us, while he did his moderating thing at totse.

His supply runs are more pleasant for everyone now that the days are longer.  In winter, not only are the water runs uncomfortable bordering on hazardous due to the cold, but he has less time to spend here before he needs to leave to head back to town.  His night vision isn't very good, so he tries to get stuff done during daylight. 

We had been completely out of water, so he and Doug made 5 trips to the spring with all the jugs he can get into the available space in his Mazda MPV, and filled every bucket and jug we have.  When I'm able to get my wagon out again, Doug and I will be able to do it all in one trip.

Doug and I think the runt kitten, PK, is at least partially deaf.  Sometimes she seems to respond to another kitten's high pitched cries, but she doesn't respond to her mother's call to nurse, or to Doug's voice or mine.  This helps explain her bony condition.  She is able now to eat kibble, and spends time in their food dish while the other kittens nurse. 

She continues to seek warmth by cuddling up to the woodstove or the dog.  I suppose part of that is because she is so much smaller than her siblings that she can't really compete for space with her mom.  Koji, of course, is afraid of the kittens because their mother jumps him if they get close to him.  PK waits until he's asleep, then curls up next to him.

Despite limited hours at this keyboard, I have managed almost every day to spend an hour to two hours, in my KaiOaty guise, on the Xanga Welcome Wagon.  I now have over 30,000 Xanga credits toward the 100,000 I need to buy Lifetime Premium for... for I really haven't decided yet which site will get it.  SuSu has Lifetime, and so do KaiOaty and ArmsMerchant.  I might end up spending credits for a shirt or something or give it to someone who can use the extra upload capacity and photo storage.  I haven't decided.

The credits were the reason I started, but that was before I realized that ArmsMerchant already had Lifetime Premium Xanga.  By then, I had found a few interesting new Xangans, and that continuing trickle of new blood, so to speak, is what keeps me going back.

If you don't see me around here tomorrow, it will be because Doug is using the computer.  If I am here, it will be because I couldn't stay away and got up early to get in my computer time before his game starts.

Right now, I have food on my mind.  Yesterday, I organized the shelves of the pantry, to get all the stuff in that hadn't been put away since I became too ill last fall to do it.  Doug does it his way, which means the shelves don't hold as much and things get lost behind other things.  When I do it, we can find stuff, and there aren't heaps and bags of stuff lying around on the floor.  It all goes on the shelves.  So, I can find something to eat.  Now I just have to go decide what.

Snow update:  still snowing, with some rain mixed in, temperature 36 degrees F, so the new stuff is melting a bit, packing down more, slushy rather than fluffy.

The setting is the reception area of an adoption agency.

A nervous man in an expensive suit approaches the reception desk.

“Miss Meeply, has that FedEx shipment arrived yet?”

“No, Mr. Boffle, it hasn’t.  It should have been here two days ago”

“Drat!  Well, the tracker says it has left the local distribution point, so it has to get here today.  Let me know immediately as soon as it arrives.”

He turns to go back into his office, when Miss Meeply says, “Sir, the Hoberfurstermeisters are in the waiting room, here to take their baby home.  Will you speak to them?”

With a look of alarm, Mr. Boffle freezes in place.  He casts a longing look at his closed office door, shakes himself, straightens his jacket, shoots his cuffs, and turns reluctantly toward the waiting room.

“Aahh, good morning Mrs. Hoberfurstermeister… Mr. Hoberfurstermeister.  Lovely weather we’re having, isn’t it?”

The smiling pair glances toward the window, then they exchange a puzzled look and shake their heads before rising to meet Mr. Boffle.

“Oh, Mr. Boffle,” says Mrs. Hoberfurstermeister, “we just can’t wait to see our baby and take her home to meet the rest of the family.”

“Yes… well, I shall take you back to her... just as soon as... the nurse notifies me that she is finished with the baby’s feeding.”

“Oh, but I would love to feed her myself, Mr. Boffle.  I just can’t wait!  Finally, to hold my beautiful daughter in my arms and nurture her….”

“Ahem…. Now…  Well…  That is… Uh.”  Just then, Mr. Boffle catches sight of the FedEx driver approaching the outer door through the downpour.

The driver bursts through the door, and struggles to hang onto the small package he carries while wrestling the door closed against a gale force wind.  Drenched with rain, he turns toward the reception desk, but is intercepted by a grateful-looking Mr. Boffle who mutters an apology to the Hoberfurstermeisters as he signs for the parcel.  As he scurries from the room, he glances over his shoulder at the Hoberfurstermeisters and assures them he will return immediately.

Shortly after Mr. Boffle disappears into his office, a muted drone can be heard.  It continues for several minutes, then quiet is restored, but for the howling of the wind.

A moment later, a beaming Mr. Boffle emerges from his office and says to the Hoberfurstermeisters, “Right this way, lucky parents, your baby awaits.”

This week's subject is suggested by Stixandstonz:

What's on your feet?

Right now, there's nothing on my feet but some grime and a bad case of toenail fungus.  The kittens came up while I was sitting here on this ergonomic office chair and stole the scuffs off my dangling feet.  I can see one of them, but they must have carried the other one off somewhere.  It is not shyness nor squeamishness that prevents me from posting a pic of my dirty, fungus infected feet, but rather it is consideration for the delicate sensibilities of some of my readers. (yeah, right -- we all know it's just vanity).

So, after a search of the archives, I have concluded that I seem to take an inordinate number of shots of my own feet.  I wonder why that is.  What's on them, depends on the season.

In summer, I often find mosquitoes on my feet, along with debris from whatever terrain I've been walking through.

When it's warm, I wear flipflops.

When it's snowy but not particularly cold, I wear snojogs...

...but sometimes you can't see them for the snow.

I have this nifty pair of Canadian Army mukluks, for when it is really cold.

...and my favorite footgear of all, which I cannot wait to get into as soon as the snow and mud are gone, are these unmatched nikeboks my husband salvaged from the dumpster at Felony Flats.

The photo challenge is not a contest. It's not about who comes up with the best photo or who has the most expensive equipment.  Everyone is welcome to join in. All you have to do is post one or more photos regarding the subject on your site and leave a comment (HERE), saying that you have posted, so we can all come by and have a look.

Oh, yes, I am an indifferent bitch.  Suffer all you want.  I will neither blame you for it nor pity you.  Your martyrdom cannot inspire me, and watching you self-destruct doesn't move me unless you try to take me with you.  If you do, I will act to stop you or I'll move out of range, but I won't blame you.  There is no blame, no shame, in ignorance, misinformation or delusion.

"Pain is part of life. 
Suffering is optional." 
          --The Buddha

Pain moves me.  Knowing that people are hurting gets to me.  I am not indifferent to any part of the pain and destruction going on here on my planetary home.  I simply see no virtue in suffering or self-sacrifice.  I feel others' pain but I don't suffer for it.  I choose to do all in my power to relieve the suffering on this planet.  How can I do that by adding my own suffering to what is already there?

I have scant tolerance for those who choose to suffer.  People may learn things from suffering and sacrifice, but if they don't learn the futility and sheer counterproductivity inherent in them, then their suffering was all in vain and the sacrifice was nothing but waste.

In Paper 89, Sin, Sacrifice and Atonement, the Urantia Book says:

"The savage was early possessed with the notion that spirits derive
supreme satisfaction from the sight of human misery, suffering, and
humiliation...  Primitive man believed that something special must be done to win the
favor of the gods; only advanced civilization recognizes a consistently
even-tempered and benevolent God."

God lets us do our will.  The Universe doesn't care if we suffer, and neither do I.  God's design and/or the process of evolution have given us numerous ways to avoid suffering, and pain is one of them.  Without pain to alert us to internal problems and external hazards, we'd all hurt more and die sooner.  Ignore pain at your peril, but if you cling to it and cultivate it, you will suffer.  The choice is yours to make.

I've covered all this ad nauseam before now, and I recently spent several days rewriting my old PainSwitch post into a new PainSwitch to help you and her and him avoid letting your pain become suffering.  If you suffer, it is because you choose to suffer, and if you choose to suffer, then your suffering is success, and where's the pain in that?

If you suffer from an addiction -- any compulsive behavior -- you don't need to.  If your suffering is from a "pain" that is more mental and/or emotional than physical, I have done what I can to help with that, too.  I put together a little tool kit out of the thoughts and words of some wiser folks than I am.  It needs revising and rewriting, also.  I'm working on that.  I need, at least, to add something about the importance of not sabotaging yourself with thoughts of inadequacy:

"Do or do not.
There is no 'try'."

--Yoda

...and something about happiness being a choice not dependent on external events:

"Don't worry; be happy."
-- Bob Marley, 

Meher Baba,

and Bobby McFerrin