Month: March 2008

  • Len, Len, and Lynn

    I got my first real job when I was sixteen and finally old enough to get paid for my work, in contrast with the underage jobs I'd had in school cafeterias where I was paid in lunches, or in my mother's store where I earned 25 cents an hour after school and on weekends in lieu of an allowance.  Now I was earning board and room for Marie and me, plus forty dollars a week.  Just four years earlier, my mother and I had lived in a similar situation in Kansas, and she had been making $40.00 a month.

    My duties were housekeeping and cooking for a man and his fourteen year old son.  My employer was an electronics tech who worked a swing shift at McClellan Air Force Base, and on the nights he worked I was also responsible for keeping an eye on his son from the time he came home from school until bedtime.  The kid and his father thought I was eighteen, when in fact I was not quite two years older than the boy.  That never proved to be any problem.

    The first problem we encountered persisted for the whole time I worked there, and actually worsened in time as more of my family learned that I was there, and I made some new friends. 

    My employer's name was Leonard.  Everyone called him Len.  His son's name was also Leonard, and everyone called him Len.  They had different middle names, were not junior and senior, but few of the people who phoned there for them knew their middle names or initials.  The kid had been called Lennie when he was little, but by the time I knew them, he was bigger than his dad and nobody called him Lennie any more.  They told me, when a caller asked for Len, just ask, "the old one or the young one?"

    I hadn't been called Kathy since I was ten years old.  I had taken a stand and insisted upon being called by my middle name, Lynn, and that's what everyone called me.  On the phone, the difference between Len and Lynn is just as subtle as the difference between the old Len and the young Len.  In no time at all, our end of every phone call would start out like this:  "Hello.  ...the old one, the young one, or the female?"

    My name became an issue for me in another way, too.  Having significant income for the first time in my life, I opened a bank account at Wells Fargo.  Having long been an adherent of Amy Vanderbilt and Emily Post, I believed that my proper name was Mrs.*insert husband's name here*.  I was also inordinately proud of being a married (and therefore grownup) woman, so I was both disappointed and offended when the bank employee told me that the name imprinted on my checks had to match the name on my Army dependent's ID card.

    Not only would they not let me be Mrs. "Him", they wouldn't let me be Lynn or "K.Lynn," as I had been in school.  The Army insisted that I was Kathy L."Him" and so, of course, that's what was imprinted on my fancy new checks from Wells Fargo.  I went on for a while signing checks as Kathy and introducing myself as Lynn.  Then, gradually, I caved and went back to being Kathy, and eventually started being Kathy Lynn, the hated name my mother had always called me when I was in trouble.  It's only a name, after all.  It's not who I really am.  More people know me now as SuSu than ever knew me by any other name.

    "Ford" had to accept a name change, too.  He had gone through school as Alford.  It's what his mother said his name was, and it was the name on our marriage certificate.  But when the Army took a look at his official birth certificate, they discovered that it said, "Alfred," so thenceforward and forever, he was Alfred, not Alford.  Nobody had ever called him Al.  I called him Alford.  The way his mama said it, it sounded more like Alferd.  But some of his Army buddies, those who didn't call him Tex, called him Al.  I started calling him Al.  I think that's what I'll start calling him here, too.

    When we were on the bird ranch, Mama had bought a potty chair for Marie, and we started trying to potty train her.  The potty chair had moved with us to Lodi, and then to Frank and Katherine's and then on to Len and Len's, and I was still trying to potty train her.  It was one of the most traumatic and embarrassing events of my life. 

    I had extreme inhibitions regarding feces.  I don't recall my own potty training.  That is very strange considering that I do recall being weaned when I was six weeks old.  I'm theorizing that the potty training had been even more traumatic than the weaning.  I know that my mother used to brag about how she had potty trained me before I was nine months old.  That, right there, is a red flag.  The fact that throughout my childhood I had chronic constipation might also be related to traumatic toilet training.

    Anyhow, by this time Marie would let me know when she needed to use the potty, but she would usually take her time about doing anything once she was seated in the potty chair.  She would point at things and either say their names or ask what they were.  Or she'd reach for anything within arms length, or stretch and try to reach things too far away.  She would sing and warble and shout and giggle.  She would try to engage me in conversation, and I would sigh and say, "Go potty."  The one thing I could not do was just leave her there alone to do her business.

    If the phone rang, or the oven timer, or something else called me away, as sure as anything, by the time I got back to the bathroom, she would have done her business and would have her shit smeared in her hair, all over her face, the walls, and anything else she could reach and little balls of it would have been flung away to splatter wherever they hit.  She slept in diapers, and if she spent any time awake before I got to her, removed the dirty diaper and put on her training pants, she would have delved into the diaper and started her fecal fingerpainting.

    It didn't happen very many times because, after the first time, I was alert and did my best to prevent it.  The phase lasted only a few weeks, but caused me immense distress.  It wasn't just the mess itself and my efforts to get the place cleaned up, aired out and deodorized before Len or Len got wind of it.  I had found a reference to coprophilia and fecal fingerpainting in Psychopathia Sexualis, and was horrified that my baby was a maniac.  Eventually, it all came out in the wash.

    That was the worst from that time.  The best thing about the time we spent there was the radio.  Len and Len were both ham radio operators.  I experienced a whole new world and learned a new language.  The guys had a hard time deciding how to identify me to their contacts in hamspeak.  I didn't really qualify as a YL (young lady) because I was married, and the older Len in particular had trouble referring to me as an XYL, and there were apparently no other designations for females.  On his wall full of hundreds of QSL cards, Len could point to only two that came from women, but he was happy to tutor me in Morse code and let me use his books to study for my ham license.

    I'd sit quietly and listen as they talked, and I'd leaf through the manuals to look up unfamiliar words and abbreviations.  Two abbreviations that I heard many times, but could not find in the books, were, "CH" and "RCH."  It almost always referred to fine-tuning a frequency.  A signal would be off frequency, and someone would say, "Take it up a CH," or "Go down, just an RCH."  Finally I asked what it meant.  My asking caused some consternation, spluttering, hemming and hawing, but eventually I learned that a CH, a very small interval, was a female pubic hair, and RCH was a red one, presumably finer than the rest.

    I have sometimes thought that, since it usually meant that something was just a little bit off, RCH might be an appropriate title for me, and by extension, for my memoirs.

  • Meanwhile, back in the here and now...

    Writing my memoirs is work.  Blogging is play, even (or especially) when its subtext is The Work.

    I have been doing a lot of work lately, experiencing a drive to finish the memoir and get it published while I still might enjoy the material fruits of my labor.  This exchange today in comments reminded me that this work has borne fruit for me in other significant but subtle ways:

    what a long way our world has come. I can hardly believe the police
    felt that sending him off to the army was the right thing to do.  that
    is just amazing.  thank you for sharing what have to be some very
    painful memories with us.
    illgrindmyownthankyou

    ...and my response:

    The memories are not painful.  There was a time, early in this memoir
    writing process, when it was painful to reveal things of which I was
    ashamed.  I got over that.  Now, the only difficult part is the effort
    to remember details.

    Really, people, none of this stuff hurts any more.  I got the hardest part, separation from my kids, over and done with years ago.  I suppose I should also mention that it can get to be a drag, focusing on the past when so much is going on around me in the Now, but the emotional healing is done.   What remains to be wrapped up now is the editing and publishing.

    And, BTW, there are still judges who offer defendants military service, just as they offer traffic school or 12-step programs, as an alternative to incarceration.  The all-volunteer army is made up mostly of the poor and unemployable, and criminals.  I thought everyone knew that.

    This needs to be made clear:

    I report.  I do not judge.  I do not say that one thing is "right" and another is "wrong."   I neither condemn nor condone.  I accept and try to understand.

    Any of my readers who express moralistic judgments in their comments are expressing their own opinions, not mine.  For that, I do not judge them.

    I think I need to find a place in my header or some other prominent spot on my site for that disclaimer.


    "Quote"

    "What's Life? You start with nothing, end with nothing. In between, it's all jazz."
    E. J. Gold


    It starts in less than 23 hours.  Tomorrow -- 10 AM, Wednesday March 26, 2008, on Front Street in front of the Board of Trade Saloon in Nome, the hundredth anniversary running of the All Alaska SweepStakes begins.  The winner will get $100,000, the biggest dog race purse in modern times.

    It was conceived a century ago as a long-distance race, "...in order to force the drivers to nurse their dogs…! To further insure against any cruelty or over taxation of the strength and endurance of the dogs, a very salutary rule was adopted, that each driver must return to the starting point with every dog that he started out with and none others, so that the driver of each team was forced to take the utmost care of each dog in order to comply with the rule."

    In this era of the Yukon Quest and Iditarod Trail, the 408 miles from Nome to Candle and back is a mid-distance race.  Lance Mackey has predicted that it will be a "slugfest" between him and Jeff King.  Fourteen other teams are entered, three of them driven by women, but King and Mackey are odds-on favorites.

    One of the women is a serious musher, maybe even a serious contender.  Who knows.  It's a different race, with different rules.

    Another of the women, I just don't know.  Her son got her interested in dog mushing 3 years ago.  Under "describe your racing experience," she wrote, "A person has to start somewhere."



    I just had to share this image I found on vampiredeer's site.

  • Lodi and Beyond

    The basement apartment "Ford" had found for us was dank and dark.  The winter weather in Lodi was gray and damp.  I didn't have even a radio in the apartment for entertainment, so I spent a lot of time talking to Marie, reading to her and playing with her.  She loved her dolls, and I would show her how to change their clothes and wrap them in blankets.

    She had alphabet blocks and ABC books, so I started teaching her the alphabet and to spell simple words.   She was about 14 months old, and could speak full sentences that only I could understand.  She didn't walk yet, and would crawl all over the place and cruise along the furniture, dragging a doll after her wherever she went.

    With nothing much to do, I kept the apartment spotless.  My upstairs neighbor was friendly but much older than I.  I'd go up for coffee and conversation, but wouldn't stay long because we didn't have much to say to each other.  Mostly, Marie was the center of attention and main topic of conversation.

    During the third week of January, Ford lost his job.  I don't remember what kind of job he had, and I don't suppose that matters.  He lost lots of jobs, probably because of his generally surly attitude and his unwillingness to exert himself or cooperate.

    As he had done on previous occasions upon losing a job, he got drunk before he came home.  He was glassy-eyed when he came down the stairs.  He just went to the couch, sat down, and pulled Marie's toybox, a simple cardboard box I used to keep her things contained, over in front of himself.

    He held up one of the toys, called Marie's name, and said, "Look here."  Then he tore the toy apart.  He went through all the toys, one by one, breaking plastic animals or cars, tearing the clothes, heads and arms off dolls, ripping pages out of books.  At first, Marie sat with a stunned expression on her face.  She already knew that crying in front of her father would get her hurt.

    He wanted her to cry, so he started poking her with broken pieces of her toys.  When she whimpered, he poked harder.  Then he picked her up and shook her, yelling that he was going to give her something to cry about. 

    At first, while he was destroying the toys, I had tried to comfort and quiet her.  As his violence escalated, I started trying to get him to put her down and pick on me, instead.  He did.  He had destroyed every one of her toys, bruised us both, and given me a split lip, black eyes, and bloody nose, before he quit, went off to bed, and passed out.

    I took Marie up to the neighbor's apartment and called the police.  Two cops showed up.  After they talked to me, they went downstairs and talked to Ford.  After a while, one stayed down there with him while the other came back up and talked to me some more.

    He said that they would have to take Ford to jail if I signed a complaint, because what he had done was a crime.  But, he said, I needed to be aware that he might be out again within a couple of hours if he made bail, or in a day or two, otherwise, and he'd be angry at me for having him arrested and would probably hurt us again.  He asked me if I had anywhere to go.

    I phoned one of my uncles in Sacramento.  Uncle Frank was my mother's stepbrother, the eldest of the family, and had been a soldier in World War I.  I didn't know him very well, but I knew the other Sacramento uncle, Scotty, well enough to know I didn't want to call him.  Uncle Scotty had been the one who invited my ex-uncle Jack to the Thanksgiving dinner, although he didn't go to it himself.  Scotty smoked eye-watering, choking cigars and had a wicked, twisted sense of humor and a condescending, superior attitude.  Frank and his wife Katherine were friendly, at least.

    I explained to my Aunt Katherine what had happened, and told her what the cop had told me.  She asked me if I was sure I wanted to leave.  When I said I was sure, she said they could be there in an hour or so.  The cop went back down to talk to Ford some more.  The two cops handcuffed Ford and took him to their car while I went downstairs and packed our clothes and stuff.  One of the cops told me that they had advised Ford to join the Army so that he would be able to support his wife and child without our having to live with him.  They asked me if I would be willing to let things go, not sign a complaint, if he agreed to join the Army.  I agreed.

    Frank and Katherine came and took Marie and me home with them.  A few days later, I got a call from Ford, telling me that he had joined the Army and was to go to For Ord for basic training.  He was sorry for what he had done, of course, as usual.  He said he had signed Marie and me up for an allotment, and we would be getting $91.30 a month.  I was used to having about $40.00 a month for groceries in prosperous times, so that sounded like a lot of money to me.  His enlistment date, one of those pieces of data I had to memorize because I would need it during most of my interactions with the Army, was 21 January, 1961.

    My household goods stayed in the boxes I'd packed them in and went into an old shed behind Frank and Katherine's house.  We were given the crowded and cluttered spare bedroom.  The whole house was cluttered and crowded, and had the smell of old people and old books -- kinda musty and moldy.  Stacked everywhere:  along one side of the hallway, under tables, in odd corners of various rooms, were boxes of old magazines and books.   One corner of the dinette table in the breakfast nook held a stack of Sex to Sexty magazines of risque cartoons and dirty jokes.  Frank and Katherine would read them aloud to each other over coffee.

    Every flat surface held knicknacks.  The house was not babyproofed, but there was always someone keeping an eye on the baby to keep her out of trouble.  Frank and Katherine loved having Marie around, even though it was obvious that our being there disrupted their routines and inconvenienced them.  They were sweet, and I felt welcome, but I needed to get out on my own.

    I started looking for some sort of live-in job where I wouldn't need child care for Marie.  I read the classifieds and called about every ad that seemed even marginally appropriate.  None of the first dozen or so ads I answered even went beyond the first phone call.  They heard my age and that I had a baby, and were not interested.  Katherine suggested that I lie about my age.  She said I looked about twelve years old, but with the baby and my brains I should be able to pass for eighteen, anyway.

    I tried a few more times before I got an interview, and then I got that first job for which I interviewed.

  • Intermezzo

    I'm taking a short break here, but still could post another memoir segment later today.  I have posted four of them in the past four days, which is more than I've done since about 2003, I think.

    Questions keep coming up in comments.  I have replied to a few of them in the comment box. (Hey, John and Xanga Team -- I really like that new feature, especially because I now get email if someone replies to my comments, so I don't miss the replies and don't need to go back looking if there is no reply.)  Others I have just let slide.

    One question has been sliding so long I don't recall who asked it.  Somebody wanted to know where ol' "Ford" is now.  I don't even know if he is dead or alive.  The last time I saw him was about 1968, in Springfield, Oregon.  I was in a supermarket, shopping with my biker ol'man, "VW," and ran into "Ford" and a woman near the meat counter.  He was wearing short sleeves and I could see that he had the tattoos, "Kathy" on one arm and "Lynn" on the other, crudely blacked out.  I said "hi" to him, he did a double-take, looked at the guy I was with, took the woman's arm and moved away quickly.

    The last contact I had with him was indirect.  In 1979 I was reunited with our daughter Marie when she was twenty and had her first child.  I went to Kansas to visit them.  While there, I phoned Ford's mother to let her know she was a great grandmother.  I didn't mention him in that conversation and she didn't bring him up.  We talked about the baby.   Months later, after I had returned to Alaska, I received a letter from Ford's wife, postmarked at one of the little towns near Vernon, TX, telling me that he was happily married and I should stay out of his life.  I wrote back to her and told her I hoped he had outgrown his wife-beating behavior, and assured her that she had nothing to fear from me.

    When I started writing about his personality disorders and his penis size, I wondered if it might place me in any danger from him.  Knowing that he had been a binge alcoholic from the age of five or six, it occurred to me that he might well have died of cirrhosis of the liver by now.  I ran a search on his name.  If he is still alive, he no longer lives in that area where he was in the late 70s and early 80s, and where both of his brothers still live.  Someone with his name, born the year he was born, lives in Virginia, but there are also a lot of other people with the same surname in that area, suggesting it's a family cluster and unrelated to him.  I decided it was an acceptable risk.  I have been referring to him semi-pseudonomously thus far, but that is about to change.

    Fatgirlpink said:

    Peculiar that your Mother would be cautious about rabbit food around
    Marie but not an boy-man that beat women and killed puppies.

    ...and lupa had trouble with that, too:

    I can't imagine a mom fussing over rabbit pellets but "allowing" a
    daughter to go back to an abusive fuckwit like Ford, either.  *headdesk*

    I guess you had to know my mother.  Lots of words come to mind when I try to define her:  hypocrite, emotional cripple, sociopath, passive-aggressive....

    I have tried hard to understand why my mother treated me the way she did.  I know I was a disappointment to her, from having been born female, to being a blatantly sexual female, and thus a "bad girl" in her paradigm, to my failure to conform to social conventions and my rude insistence on saying what I thought.

    I believe she resented me for the strong bond I had with my father, and the way he and I ridiculed her fears and her intellectual blind spots.  She always tried to maintain at least the appearance of doing her parental duty, and never tried to cut herself off from me physically or geographically, probably because that would have put me out of the reach of her manipulation, but she was never there for me emotionally.   Anything more I'd say here would just be reiterating what I have said here and here.

    What American accent do you have? (Best version so far)

    Neutral

    You're not Northern, Southern, or Western, you`re just plain -American-.  Your national identity is more important than your local identity, because you don`t really have a local identity.  You might be from the region in that map, which is defined by this kind of accent, but you could easily not be.  Or maybe you just moved around a lot growing up.

    Personality Test Results

    Click Here to Take This Quiz
    Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

  • I don't remember.

    Occasionally, when I post memoirs, someone remarks on how good my memory is.  This always causes me to wonder if there are really people who get through life with more defective memories than mine.  My forgetter works much more efficiently than my rememberer, but sometimes not as well as I'd like.  I have spontaneous and almost photographic recall of certain scenes and events, most of them either traumatic, dramatic or somehow especially memorable.  Other things, such as phone numbers, names, dates, and the like, I can recall with some effort if I can associate them with something else.

    If I add up the elapsed times for all the little mind movies that I can recall, however, they make up only a very small portion of my lifetime.  Most of what I did or saw, for all my hours and days, is just a blank.  What came first and which event followed what, I can usually only deduce if I recall where something happened and when I was in that place.  Thus, for example, the memories of events occurring in the fifteen years I lived at Elvenhurst, our old place across the highway from here, are a jumble without coherent chronology.  Fortunately, that was the longest time I ever stayed in one place.  Moving around a lot has certainly enhanced my memory.

    Having forgotten so much can be maddening when one is trying to write a memoir.  It seems inappropriate to write a memoir that focuses primarily on what I don't remember.

    I don't remember everything that my first husband, "Ford", said to me on the phone that Thanksgiving night in 1960.  He said he loved me.  He said he was sorry.  He said he wanted me back.  I told him I wouldn't go back.  I know we talked longer than that.  I suppose, based on things I remember his having said at other times in similar circumstances, that he blamed his brutality on alcohol, swore that it would never happen again, and said that I had been in the wrong, too.

    He said he missed Marie, and invoked the responsibilities and privileges of fatherhood.  I must have commented on how he had abused her and the way he complained about her crying and the expense of feeding and providing for her.  I can't imagine letting him slip those statements by me without comment.

    He probably ran the old lines about how we belonged together, and everyone said we wouldn't make it, so we had to stay together to show them.  I don't remember.  I guess he must have said that since I wouldn't come back to him, he would come to me.  I don't remember it being said, but that was what happened.

    I don't know how long it was after that conversation before he showed up.  I don't recall how he got there, how long he stayed, or how he was traveling when he left.  He might have had a car, or hitchhiked, or ridden on a bus or train.  I don't know.  If it was bus or train, I don't know how he paid for it.

    I know that he didn't like life on the ranch and was unenthusiastic about helping with the work.  He hated getting mud on his shoes, and refused to get shit on them.  Blood or shit on his hands was out of the question.  He didn't want to get within biting range of the rabbits or cows, but he would go up in the hay loft and throw down bales for someone else to break up and distribute.  The idea of his trying to learn to milk a cow is absurd.  He was willing to drive the tractor, but not skilled enough at it to be permitted to do anything useful.

    I don't recall who had given me the puppy that Marie called hers, how long we had him, or what we named him.  I remember that Ford killed that puppy.  Grady saw him do it, but Ford denied it.  I knew he was lying.  In the aftermath of that incident, Ford left to go north to Stockton, where he had an aunt or a cousin or something.

    I don't know how long after that it was before he called me up and said that he had a job and had rented an apartment in Lodi for us.  I can deduce that it was about a month or month and a half, because I recall something that happened on 21 January, 1961, and I had been in Lodi for at least a week or two by then.  I don't know how he talked me into going there, but I suppose my mother was partially instrumental in my decision to go, just as she had been a major part of my reason for wanting to get married and out of her house in the first place.

    I remember that Marie and I rode a bus from Redlands to Lodi.  I remember seeing Christmas decorations, but don't recall whether we spent Christmas at the ranch or in Lodi.  What came next, I remember with too much clarity for comfort.

  • He Is Risen

    1 Peter Chapter 1, Verses 1-9:

    1. Peter, who leiked to hang wit teh Jeebus, To teh ppls who leik Jeebus in a bunch of places,
    2. Hope u has peace and no lions, lol.
    3. Jeebus’ dad, Ceiling Cat, is win, cauze he gave us Jeebus and made him a zombie,
    4. and will let us has chzburgurs and cookies wit him latr,
    5. if u leik him.
    6. Don’t run out of happy cuz some stuff is teh sux,
    7. cookies and chzburgurs r better than gold,
    8. and tho Ceiling Cat is leik invisible bike,
    9. u can has them if u leik Jeebus and believe in Ceiling Cat.

    In other bible news:

    The Big Bible, Codex Gigas is back at the Swedish Royal Library in Stockholm after a five month exhibit in Prague during which 61,000 people saw the 75 kilo manuscript, made at a Bohemian Monastery in the Thirteenth Century, and taken to Sweden in the Seventeenth Century as plunder after the Thirty Years War.  In 2005, Czech Prime Minister Jiri Paroubek surprised Swedish Prime Minister Goran Persson by asking to borrow the book, estimated to have required the skins of 160 donkeys for its parchment.  A colorful legend regarding the manuscript's creation explains why it is popularly known as The Devil's Bible.

  • The Scott Family Reunion

    My daughter Marie and I had been on the bird ranch with my mother and her husband Grady for a couple of months.  I had looked unsuccessfully for a job, and resigned myself to staying at the ranch and helping out with the work there.  "Little Granny," my mother's eldest sister, Alice, was visiting from Kansas.  As Thanksgiving approached, my mother and her sisters, Alice and Flora, started planning for a big family meal at the ranch.

    My mother was no more of a pain in the ass than usual, which was quite enough anyway.  I had been out from under her thumb long enough to be able to ignore a lot of her manipulation and bossiness, and Grady had become an unexpected ally.  He laughed at her fears as my father had.

    On the day before Thanksgiving, I baked a 3-layer German chocolate cake with coconut pecan filling and chocolate butter cream icing, three pecan pies, and some peach, apple, and cherry pies.  Mama made pumpkin and mincemeat pies.  We had killed, plucked, cleaned and dressed two of the biggest tom turkeys and had them ready to go in the oven before dawn Thursday morning.

    Grady was handling all the ranch chores and looking after Marie.  By the time the family started to arrive, Mama and I were sweaty and footsore from running between the kitchen and dining room.   She showered and changed first, then I took a shower, put on my best clothes and cleaned Marie up.  I was finishing that task in the bedroom when I heard the first raised voices.

    I don't recall who was arguing with whom when I came out into the big living/dining room.  It wasn't a big surprise that hostilities had broken out.  The Scott family always fought when a big group of them got together.  All those brothers and sisters had been born before the U.S got into The Great War to End All Wars (WWI) -- and Uncle Frank fought in it -- so they were in their forties to sixties at the time, but they had never gotten over their adolescent sibling rivalries.  "Good-natured insults" were their habitual style of relating, but the "good-natured" part was just a hypocritical euphemism.  They went for blood.

    I went back to the kitchen to put the finishing touches on the meal.  I was at the stove, stirring gravy or something, when I heard the swinging door open and close.  Nobody spoke, and there were no other sounds, so I looked over my shoulder to see who had come in.  My mother was standing in the center of the room, shoulders stiff, arms down at her sides, fists clenched, with her mouth and jaw clenched so tight that her lips were ringed with white, and her cheeks were flaming red.

    Maybe I asked her what was wrong, or maybe I just raised my eyebrows.  Anyway, she said one word through tightly gritted teeth:  "Jack."  My ex-uncle Jack had disowned Mama years before.  She had felt at the time that the circumstances of their falling out were entirely his fault, and the grudge she held had been compounded through the years whenever one or another member of the family told her how Jack had been badmouthing her.

    Mama was a staunch advocate of putting a good face on things, not saying anything if she couldn't say something nice... or at least she paid lip service to all that hypocritical bullshit.  She assigned a few tasks to me and sent me out to the front room while she took over stirring the pot, and worked at composing herself.  I don't know whether she wanted to throw Jack out or murder him, but it's a good bet that the very last thing she wanted to do was welcome him to the party.

    I was placing a pie or cake on the buffet table when Jack, breathing whiskey fumes, sidled up to me, introduced himself and asked me who I was.  I sidled away from him, gave him a long head-to-toe look, taking in the scuffed shoes, rumpled clothes, body odor and food stains.  Then I brought my eyes back up to make contact with his, and said I was his ex-niece, Kathy Lynn.  Then I went back to the kitchen for another load of food.

    We got the buffet loaded, and people started filling their plates and finding places to sit.  Mama and I had been picking and snacking all day, so neither of us filled a plate for herself.  I saw her perch on the arm of the couch to rest her feet, and I took Marie from one of my aunts for a while.  The only sounds in the room were cutlery on crockery and animal feeding noises.  Marie was sleepy, so I put her to bed.  When I went back to the front room, I noticed that the butter dish was empty, so I took it to the kitchen for a refill.

    I had my head in the fridge when I heard the door open and swing shut, and somebody groped my butt none too gently.  I let out a yelp, jumped and bumped my head, then turned to see a fat slack-mouthed Jack Scott leering at me.  Just then, the swinging door opened and Grady came through to see what I'd yelled about.  I told him.  He told Jack to get out of his house.  Jack started back toward the swinging door, and Grady stopped him.  He grabbed Jack by the shoulder, turned him, and pointed to the back door.  "That way," he said.  Jack went.

    I was still in the kitchen, filling the butter dish from the big bowl of fresh homemade butter, when I heard the phone ring.  I carried the butter through, and saw Mama holding the old black phone out toward me.  "It's for you," she said, "...Ford."

    Continued....

  • Down on the Bird Ranch

    This memoir segment follows this one.

    I don't remember much about the train ride from Texas to California.  It was evening when we boarded, and the motion lulled Marie and me to sleep.We slept through most of the trip.  When we were awake, we went up to the Vista-Dome observation car and watched the scenery, even at night.

    Mama met the train in San Bernardino.  I told her I planned to get a job as soon as I could, and I needed a Social Security card, so we stopped at the SS office before we headed out of town to the ranch.  The first thing we did when we got home was to grab a colander from the kitchen and go out to pick green beans from the garden for dinner.  Then we sat on the shady patio while we snapped the beans, catching up.

    There was no sense of urgency about my getting a job and getting out of there.  Mama and Grady recommended waiting at least until my facial cuts and bruises had healed, so I settled into the routine of the ranch.  Primarily, they raised game birds.  The ranch was owned by an ophthalmic surgeon, who saved money on his taxes by losing money on the ranch.  Several domestic and exotic species of pheasants, quail, geese, and ducks were raised to be released on hunting preserves.  If we wanted pheasant for dinner, though, we didn't have to shoot one.  We'd take a long stick with a metal hook on the end, go into a pen, and snare a bird by its neck.

    They also kept chickens, turkeys, rabbits, pigs, and cattle.  Domestic ducks and geese wandered free in the yard.  A flock of guinea fowl roosted in a big tree beside the house, filling the role of watchdog, making a racket day or night, whenever anything out of the ordinary disturbed them.  Turkeys were put out to forage in whichever pasture wasn't being used for cattle, and had to be rounded up and herded under shelter when it rained, or they'd gaze up at the falling raindrops and drown.  I helped with feeding, and Mama and I caught, killed, plucked,
    dismembered and packed birds for our freezer, and for the doctor's
    freezer.

    Grady did the milking.  Mama and I skimmed cream and churned butter, and every few days the doctor's chauffeur would come to the ranch and pick up fresh milk, butter, eggs and meat.  The vegetable garden was only for our home use, and the fields of corn and grain were grown primarily for stock feed.  The balance between work to be done and time for doing it was comfortable.  Mama and Grady had been able to handle it alone, and with my help more jobs got done and there was more free time, too.

    Getting to know my stepfather Grady was a pleasant surprise.  Of all my mother's husbands and lovers, he's the one I liked best.  He was straightforward, articulate, and funny, and he treated me like an adult human being -- a refreshing change.  He and Marie hit it off, too.   If Mama and I were up to our elbows in feathers and guts, Grady would take Marie with him to feed or milk or whatever.

    Marie's favorite chore was feeding the rabbits.  It had been Mama's job until we came.  Then it became mine.  I'd load a handcart with buckets of rabbit pellets, set Marie on top, and wheel the cart along the rows of hutches.  She'd grab handfuls of rabbit feed to munch along the way, a treat that her grandmother thought was unwholesome and inappropriate, so, after I carefully read the ingredients on the bags, we just kept it to ourselves.  The kid would chatter away at the bunnies,  reaching out for their furry bodies.  Their names were on the hutches, and she soon learned them all.  Several were especially tame and gentle, and we'd take time out to pet them.

    Just before we got there, the doctor had borrowed a polled hereford bull from a neighbor to breed his cows, so for a week or so he was the main attraction.  Buddy was enormous -- his rump higher than my head.  He was also calm and gentle, having grown up as a kid's 4-H project.  Mama came unglued one day when Grady led Buddy up to the house with Marie riding high up behind his head, holding onto the lead rope around the bull's neck.  Marie loved it, Grady was amused, I thought it was great fun, and my mother had a hissy -- as usual.  It must have been hell, being her, so fear ridden, and ridiculed by everyone around her.

    About a week after Marie and I got to California, on September 26, I left her on the ranch with Mama and Grady and went into Redlands to stay with my aunt Nora.  She's the one on the left in this picture, with my aunt Alice and the other sister, Flora, left to right, with Dorris, my mother, peeking out between them.  Nora was older, a stepsister to the other three, with more class and urbane poise than all the rest combined. They all called her "Pat," and so she was Aunty Pat to me.

    She was widowed young and never had children of her own, but she raised two daughters for my mother's brother Earl, whose wife was hospitalized with a nervous breakdown when their four children were small.  By the time I stayed with Pat, my cousins were grown and married.  She lived alone in a small, light and airy apartment within walking distance of the business district, an ideal base for my job search.

    The date I went to stay with her, Sept. 26, 1960, is memorable because it was the day of the first ever televised presidential candidates' debate.  Nixon and Kennedy responded to questions on the issues of the day.  I listened to the audio while doing my ironing at a built-in board off the kitchen, while Pat watched in the living room.  Pat, like most of those who watched the debate, was convinced that Kennedy won.  If I had been old enough to vote, I would have voted for Nixon, like most people who heard but didn't see the debate.

    I don't recall how long I stayed in town looking for a job.  I'd go out each morning, walk from one business to the next, ask if they needed help or were taking applications, then I'd join Pat for lunch before making my afternoon rounds.  Everyone in the family knew someone who might help me get a job, and I talked to all of them.  After I had answered every ad, checked out each lead, and visited every visible business, I went back to the ones that had seemed most likely.  I would talk to Marie on the phone a couple of times each day.  We missed each other, so eventually I went back to the ranch to watch the classified ads and wait for someone to call me to work.

    A double railroad track, the through line and a siding, ran along the ranch's property line about 15 feet from the house.  My bedroom was on the side of the house closest to the track.  For the first few days there, passing trains would startle me awake, but Marie always slept through them.  After a while, so did I.

    Hobos from the trains that stopped on the siding would come to the house asking for water.  We always had surplus buttermilk from the butter we made for the doctor's household and our own, and there was usually cold fried chicken or some other leftovers for the hobos, too.  Mama's attitude toward these men was typical for her.  She didn't mind giving them food, but she didn't want them coming to her door, so if she saw them walking along the fence toward the gate, she'd quickly put together a sack of food, jar of buttermilk and jug of water, and send me out to meet them with it.
     
    That's me at sixteen, on the left holding Marie's hands, with my cousins, Flora's daughters Sharron and Donna, and Donna's daughter, Kathy.  Flora and her husband Hubert had five daughters, and their daughters had daughters.  Most of them lived in Southern California at the time, and often on a Sunday an aunt or uncle or two and several of my cousins would show up for dinner.  Nobody else in the family had the abundance of "free" food that we had, so our ranch was the natural gathering place.

    When it came time to butcher a big old hog, we made it a family affair.  Several uncles and the husbands or boyfriends of various girl cousins rolled up their sleeves and helped Grady hoist the dead porker up into the guineas' tree beside the house, and everyone got into the butchering one way or another.  I circulated between the kitchen and the yard, fetching knives, hot water, rags, iced tea... whatever was called for.  Then I hauled loads of meat in dishpans into the screen house that held sinks and freezers, rinsed the grass and debris from the meat, and helped to cut , wrap and label it for freezing.  At the end of the day, I was too tired to eat... tired but happy.

    It was a time of peace and comfort for me, but it wasn't entirely trouble-free.  Early in my stay there, Grady had shown me his hidden fermenter filled with potatoes and yeast.  I was sworn to secrecy, and convincingly faked surprise when Mama found it for herself sometime later.  She was livid.  She and Grady had an understanding:  he would not drink alcohol, period.  The potato mash was fed to the pigs, and Mama slammed doors and stomped around for a few days until the emotional storm blew over.

    Grady was cutting a broken limb off the big tree with a chainsaw when it bucked back and slashed his face.  Fortunately, his employer, the ophthalmic surgeon who had operated on Sammy Davis, Jr. after his car wreck, was at home at the time.  He met Grady at the hospital, operated immediately, and saved his eye.   During his hospitalization and his convalescence at home, Grady and Mama both frequently expressed the thought that it was, "a good thing," that I was there to fill in and do the "man's work" that Mama couldn't handle, such as driving the cattle from one pasture to another or throwing hay bales.  Neither Mama nor I was any good at milking the cows, and with only three cows they didn't have milking machines.  Uncle Hubert or his son-in-law Elmer came down twice a day and took care of that until Grady could do it.

    Next, Thanksgiving and the family reunion...

  • Rejected and Thrown Out

    This memoir episode comes after this one.  When I left off, it was July, 1960, and my husband, "Ford," baby Marie, and I were living in an apartment upstairs over our landlord's garage, for which we paid $35.00 a month.

    On the Friday that Ford came home from work and threw me down the stairs for not having remembered to refill an ice cube tray, he had lost the roofing job he'd had for a few weeks that summer.  I learned about it somewhat after the fact, when I tried to get him up for work Monday morning.  That time, he didn't try to pass it off as being, "laid off."  He had been fired because he refused to do something his boss told him to do.  The way he told it, it was all the other guy's fault.

    Our rent was about up on the garage apartment.  We had lived there one month, after having spent I-don't-recall how long at his mother's place when we moved back to Vernon from Jacksboro.  With his final pay check from the roofer, we rented a cheaper place for $22.50 a month, and moved again.

    If that place had been a piece of jewelry, it would be a lump of mud in a priceless setting.  The frail ancient landlady lived on a corner lot, in one of the classiest mansions in town, but it had seen better days.  Her front yard, and a couple of blocks of that street, were shaded by huge old trees, a rare thing in that or any little North Texas town.

    The big grassy back yard was bordered on two sides by more big old shade trees.  The side adjoining the street had a wooden fence covered with vines and shrubs.  Where that fence ended next to the back corner of her house, was the gate into her back yard.  From that gate to the door of our apartment, a path worn by the feet of past tenants led diagonally across the lawn.  We lived in a dilapidated old wooden building that had once been the carriage house.

    My kitchen was the size of a closet, and its window overlooked the alley.  There was also one window in the other room, facing the landlady's back yard, but almost completely covered by shrubbery, so that little daylight got in.  A bare bulb with a pull chain hung down in the center of the room on an old, frayed, braided cord with cloth insulation.  The place was home to mice, rats, and cockroaches.  Fortunately, there were also some spiders to deal with the flies.

    There was just enough space in the main room to squeeze between the foot of the old iron bedstead and the musty horsehair sofa, to get into the kitchen.  The sofa was where I made Marie's bed.  Another space was just wide enough to let us pass from the door to one side of our bed, past an old 3-drawer chest and a curtain dangling across the corner, concealing the horizontal lead pipe which served as our clothes closet.  The other side of the old double bed was shoved up against the kitchen wall.

    The head of the bed was shoved up against the south wall of the old carriage house, which revealed several peeling layers of a kind of wallpaper I have never seen anywhere but in North Texas.  All of it was printed on heavy brown kraft paper, like that of old grocery sacks.  Each design was printed in two colors:  either green and yellow or green and red.  The green was for leaves and the other colors were for flowers:  either big gaudy roses or smaller unidentifiable blossoms.

    After a few weeks of desultory job hunting, Ford went to work as "lot boy" for a used car dealer.  He dusted the cars, or washed them after a rain had turned the dust to mud.  He kept tires aired up, batteries charged, and cleaned the interiors of the new arrivals.  After a while, he started telling me jokes or stories he'd heard from Harry, a salesman who worked there.

    Then, on a Sunday when the car lot was closed, Harry and his wife invited us over for spaghetti.  They lived in a converted garage at the end of the driveway that ran alongside their landlord's house, but theirs was bigger and newer than ours.   Their bed was the only place to sit in their front room, and their kitchen table only seated two people, but there was room to move around, the kitchen appliances were shiny and new, and they had a TV.

    They had a cat but no kids, and Harry's wife seemed a little embarrassed when she said they had been, "trying," for several years to have a baby.  Her name might have been Brenda, and I'd be willing to bet it started with a B, but I honestly don't remember.  I'll call her Brenda, anyway.  Marie was about nine or ten months old when we started spending our Sundays with Harry and Brenda.  Brenda loved to hold her, and to supervise as she played with the cat.

    Much of the time when we were there, while Ford watched TV and Brenda played with Marie, I'd be in the kitchen with Harry, learning some of the secrets of a professional chef and showing him a few of the things I had learned from other cooks.  My spaghetti sauce recipe is almost identical to the one he prepared that first time we ate at their house, except for my addition of a dash of cloves.  Ground beef had always been the only meat in my meat sauce, until Harry taught me to add chunks of sweet Italian sausage, and minced pepperoni.

    I remember watching Ed Sullivan and Red Skelton there, and we probably watched other shows, too.  Someone on TV brought up "wife swapping," and we discussed the idea.   For a couple of years, at that time, there had been a lot of buzz in popular media about wife swapping.  It's an ancient practice in some cultures, but if it had been going on in the U.S. it was done very quietly.  In World War II and the Korean War, U.S. Air Force pilots consoled and comforted each other's wives, and the practice had caught the public imagination by the end of the 'fifties.  The androcentric label soon fell out of favor, and it became called, "swinging."

    Brenda did not like the idea of wife swapping, and after expressing some more or less neutral and impersonal interest in the concept, I gauged Ford's jealous temper and kept quiet.  I can imagine what went through Brenda's mind as her gaze passed from her tall, good-looking, intelligent, articulate husband, to my sawed-off, brutish, stupid man.  After the one time it came up, the subject just died, I thought.   But it was fairly evident that Harry was interested in me.  He'd find opportunities to "accidentally" touch me as we worked together in his kitchen, and once when we were all seated on their bed watching TV, he ran his toes along the side of my leg in a surreptitious caress.

    Saturday night, September 17, 1960, Ford wasn't home by dinnertime.  I had no idea where he was, no phone and no place to call and try to check up on him even if I'd had one.  I fed Marie, and put her to bed on the couch.  I probably ate a little something myself before putting the rest of the meal away to reheat for Ford when he got home.  Around 11:00 PM, after sitting in my bed reading for hours, I turned out the light, but couldn't get to sleep.  Where was he?  Was he getting drunk?  It was payday... was he blowing his paycheck on booze?  I tossed and turned, fussed and stewed.

    Eventually, sometime in the wee small hours, I heard the creaky hinge on the gate.  Then I heard the sounds of someone trying to fumble the key into the lock on our door.  When the door swung open, I lay still and faked sleep, assuming that Ford was drunk, not wanting any sort of encounter with him.

    It wasn't even Ford.  It was Harry.  He sat on the edge of the bed in the dark, reached over, and touched my arm.  He spoke, and I jumped, startled.  I clutched the covers, turned to face him, and scooted toward the wall.  As he began to explain what he was doing there, I shushed him, afraid he'd wake Marie.  In whispers, he told me he had traded a half case of beer to Ford for our door key.  I knew he expected me to fall into his arms, but I was scared silly.  I told him, "no."  He persisted.

    I didn't fight, but it was rape.  That much I learned much later.  I was too scared to make any noise.  Frozen with fear, I couldn't think.  It never occurred to me to grab Marie and get out of there.  He didn't get much for the price of that half case of beer.  I submitted with the same lack of enthusiasm with which I had come to accept my husband's drunken fumbling sexual attempts.  After a while, he apologized and left.

    Unable to sleep, I spent the rest of the night reading.  The sun was well up on a sweltering hot day, my sixteenth birthday, when Ford stalked in.  First thing he did was to ask me if Harry had been there.  As soon as I said yes, he started hitting me.  That beating ended up in the yard, and might not have ended until I was dead, if the landlady hadn't intervened.

    Ford finally left, after telling me I'd better be gone before he got back.  He never wanted to see me again as long as he lived.  First, I packed clothes for Marie and myself into my old cardboard suitcase, a battered Depression-era object that my parents had owned before I was born.  Then, with Marie on one hip and the suitcase in the opposite hand, I walked the few blocks to Grandma Blackwood's, the big old house where several generations of Ford's stepfather's family lived.

    I used the phone there to call my mother, who was living with Grady O'Neal, the uncle of my old boyfriend Glenn, on a bird ranch in San Timoteo Canyon, outside Redlands in Southern California.  She wired enough money for my train fare and a half-fare ticket for Marie.  One of Ford's uncles by marriage drove me to the Western Union office and then to the railroad station, and I was gone, headed into the sunset, on my birthday.

    Continued Down on the Bird Ranch.

  • Stuff and Nonsense

    Here's a new discovery tangentially related to yesterday's entry:

    My Footprints show that within two minutes after 8:30 AM today, there were seven visits to an entry on happiness I posted about five and a half years ago.  It had not been linked in my memoir module, but I corrected that oversight before I started writing this.  Those mysterious hits, one from Virginia, two from Connecticut, three from Pennsylvania and one from the generic U.S., were all referred from the same URL:

    http://xanga.com/item.asp?user=SuSu&tab=weblogs&uid=5415465

    Note the absence of the "www" in that URL.  It's the URL of the aforementioned happiness post, minus only the "www".   Either someone posted a link accidentally leaving out the www, or it was an intentional way to evade the backtracking ability of Xanga Footprints.  What do you think?


    Sidekicks

    This idea occurred to me during the time recently when I was too sick to blog.  Thinking about sidekicks, I wrote down some sketchy notes on a pad by my bed, and now I don't recall where the idea came from or where I thought I'd go with it.  This morning, before I got out of bed, I was wondering what I'd blog about today.  Nothing came to mind immediately, so I picked up the scratch pad.

    Doug was warming himself by the wood stove, and I told him I was considering blogging about sidekicks.  I asked him if he had any favorite fictional sidekicks.  After some thought, he said the only sidekick who came to mind was Robin.  I asked him if he thought Batman and Robin were gay.  He gave me the crooked smile he inherited from his father, turned toward the computer, and said, "Wait a sec."

    When I finally got out of bed and over here, I found a series of images he had called up from superdickery and left for me.  Here are just two of them:

    Hmmmm....

    Oh, well, to get back to my topic, my favorite sidekicks --

    A few of my favorites are characters out of books, and the only images I have of them are pictures in my mind.  These include:

    L.Q. Navarro, Billy Bob Holland's dead partner (James Lee Burke, author)

    Hawk, Spenser's enigmatic sidekick (Robert B. Parker, author)

    Archie Goodwin, Nero Wolfe's legman (Rex Stout, author)

    For the rest of them, I was able to find pictures.

    Rags the Tiger, Crusader Rabbit's sidekick

    Igor, Dr. Frankenstein's assistant

    Dr. Bunsen Honeydew's assistant, Beaker.

    Pancho (played by Leo Carillo)
    sidekick to the Cisco Kid

    Lucy Ricardo's neighbor, Ethel Mertz

    Little Beaver, the Indian boy who was always rescuing Red Ryder--
    I liked the older kid, played by Don Kay Reynolds,

    not the earlier version, played by Bobby Blake --

    yes, THAT Robert Blake.

    The Lone Ranger's faithful Indian companion, Tonto,
    who never said (but should have),
    "Who's we, paleface?"

    Chewbacca, Han Solo's co-pilot on the Millennium Falcon --
    Do you recall what Chewie said?

    Prinnies

    are the ever-present allies of

    Etna, who is either ally or enemy
    (it's hard to tell which) to

    Laharl, Overlord of the Netherworld
    in Disgaea.

    Garth Algar, from Wayne's World.
    Take your Ritalin, Garth.

    Half Vulcan, half human Science Officer Spock

    I got quite a shock on my image search for Kirk+Spock.

    Likewise, on my search for a (non-pornographic) pic of
    Cloud's larcenous sidekick Yuffie, from Final Fantasy VII.

    Who's your favorite sidekick?