June 13, 2006

• I need a lot of help.

  First off, I must say that’s not a plea for more help. 
  Fortunately, right now, I have all the help I need.   That
  statement is nothing more than an affirmation.

  I had caught myself indulging in depressive negative self-talk.  I
  was feeling pressured to do things such as laundry, yard work and
  cleaning up the mess from the fire.  At the same time, I really
  wanted to get out and walk around the neighborhood and maybe capture
  some good green images of summertime.  Lacking the stamina and
  coordination to do much of anything, I have been sitting around
  avoiding, as much as possible, activity that would set me back further.

  Realistically, what I can physically accomplish is very limited. 
  Trying to water all my houseplants (they hang in or sit on the sills of
  two windows) in one day is too much, so I break it up into two or three
  parts.  Lately, standing on my feet long enough to bake muffins or
  cook a complete meal is about all I can handle before the tremor,
  vertigo and sensorimotor deficits become too debilitating.  It has
  been months since I have been on a long walk through the
  neighborhood.  I just don’t have the energy or coordination for it.

  For me that is a frustrating situation.  A few times I grumbled to
  myself about what a useless lump I had become and how futile my life
  is.   My self, however, has been well-schooled and
  immediately caught on to what was going on.  I also noticed that
  my mood had led me to exaggerate the real situation.  Far from
  useless, I can and do fulfill a role in my family and community. 
  I’d enjoy being able to do more, but that’s no reason to discount the
  importance of what I do.

  A week or so ago, in a few phone conversations and a bit of driving
  around, I recovered some stolen stuff a couple of neighbor children had
  taken from my old place across the highway, counseled the kids,
  supported and encouraged their mother, and persuaded another neighbor
  that it wasn’t an appropriate matter for the state troopers.  The
  vigilant neigborhood watcher had told Greyfox and he and she were all
  for getting the cops in there to put the kids in jail.  They were
  a twelve-year-old girl and her eight-year-old brother.   I’m
  all for giving them another chance.

  That’s just a sample.  I do more, as often as I can.  I even
  occasionally make some material contributions to the support of myself
  and my family.   Even when my contributions are mostly
  verbal, psychological, and emotional support, this life is not
  futile.  So, I started casting about for some honest self-talk to
  supplant the self-defeating depressive bullshit

  .

  Without exaggerating or minimizing the
  severity of my disability, the simplest and most accurate statement I
  can come up with is, “I need a lot of help.”  I am grateful that I
  have enough help.  I can also find cause for gratitude that I
  don’t have it too easy around here.  I’m still challenged, still
  must work to rise to the occasion on occasion.  Right now, the big
  challenge I’m facing is to conserve and marshall enough energy and
  coordination to put together another month’s supply of the supplement
  packs I need.  It’s a job I must do.  Sitting here is not
  getting it done and is using up energy that would be better spent
  elsewhere.

  Don’t worry about me.  Send me positive energy and encouraging thoughts, and NO BULLSHIT, please.

  

  • 4:22 pm
  • 13 Comments