Month: May 2006

  • a surprising surprise

    I stepped out the door recently and was surprised to see how much bare
    ground is showing between the receding patches of dirty snow. 
    Upon a moment’s reflection, I was surprised and chagrined that such a
    commonplace result of seasonal progression took me by surprise. 
    It happens every year around this time.

    I don’t know if my failure to anticipate the snow’s disappearance means
    I have been making progress at transcending my expectations, or if it
    only means I haven’t been paying attention.  There could be a bit
    of both those things going on here.  There could even be some
    sneaky pessimistic expectations there, the unconscious feeling that
    winter would never end.

    That set me to thinking about pessimism and optimism, and about
    attention and presence.  Optimism and pessimism are philosophies
    that have troubled me in this life.  At some point in my
    adolescence, I decided that pessimism was the way to go because that
    way if I got a surprise, it would be a pleasant one.  I’d had
    enough nasty surprises, thank you very much.

    A little later on, after life had taught me about self-fulfilling
    prophecies, and about the way people tend to live up or down to what we
    expect of them, I swung over to optimism, a natural enough move for
    someone with Moon, Venus, Mars, Neptune and a couple of asteroids in
    Libra.  It was relatively recently that I decided to ditch my
    expectations and live in the Now.

    The first question a Virgo will ask about “the Now” is, “Just how long
    is this Now moment?”  The answer I (the Virgo in question, with
    Sun, Mercury, Jupiter, Chiron, some asteroids — just about everything
    not in Libra — in Virgo) derived was, “It’s all NOW.”  That’s the
    only answer that makes any sense at all.  If “now” has any
    meaning, it must be all-encompassing and of infinite duration, or it
    must be infinitesimal and exclusive of all time except for that
    gone-before-we-know-it instant.

    The latter seems absurd on the face of it and if true would make
    nonsense of memory, history, cause-and-effect, and all the laws of
    physics.  “Now,” now that I’ve had time to think about it, is a
    stretchy concept, just as is time itself.  Clock-time, in its
    mechanical regularity, just does not seem real to me.  Years can
    be fleeting and seconds can last long enough to do many hours worth of
    thinking or feeling.  It’s all now to me.

    But, then again, it’s quite a personal stretch to be present and paying
    attention in all-time all at the same time, so maybe this “I” thing is
    just traveling through it all in a stretchy little now-bubble just
    extensive enough to encompass my attention.  Yeah, I guess that
    works for me.  Now, I think I’ll just let that little attention
    bubble float away.

  • Silly Saturday

    First, I posted a funny thing (in questionable taste) protected, just
    to see if my advisors thought it was flag-worthy.  Nobody who
    responded was offended, they all found the humor in it, but nobody
    would go out on a limb and say that others wouldn’t find it
    objectionable.

    Then, before
    Doug got on here and forced me to find some other diversion for a few hours, I did some quizzes. 

    All along, I had this other matter on my mind, something that has been
    coming to mind from time to time since yesterday when I had noticed that
    the current profile pics on my site and Greyfox’s are both B&W
    shots.  When he put this up as his profile pic at ParadoxSector,
    someone captioned it, “Hey little kid, come get in my car,” or
    something to that effect.

    What do you think?  Aren’t we a pair?



    I found this on squishysplunge‘s site.
    Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
    Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

    Your Extroversion Profile:
    Friendliness: High
    Assertiveness: Medium
    Cheerfulness: Medium
    Excitement Seeking: Medium
    Sociability: Medium
    Activity Level: Low
    Your Birthdate: September 18
    You are a cohesive force – able to bring many people together for a common cause.
    The concepts of time management and scheduling are completely beyond your grasp.
    You understand that money can’t buy happiness and happiness is worthless on the open market.
    You also keep your powerful emotions in check – you know when to emote and when to repress.

    Your strength: Emotional maturity beyond your years

    Your weakness: Wearing yourself down with too many responsibilities

    Your power color: Crimson red

    Your power symbol: Snowflake

    Your power month: September

    You Are 96% Open Minded
    You are so open minded that your brain may have fallen out!
    Well, not really. But you may be confused on where you stand.
    You don’t have a judgemental bone in your body, and you’re very accepting.
    You enjoy the best of every life philosophy, even if you sometimes contradict yourself.
    Your World View
    You are a happy, well-balanced person who likes people and is liked by others.
    You question whether many conventional views on morality are valid under all circumstances.
    You are essentially a contented person.
    You sometimes think you were abandoned on this planet by your alien parents.
    Sometimes, you consider yourself a little superior.
    You are moral by your own standards.
    You believe that morality is what best suits the occasion.
    What Is Your World View?

    “SuSu” is the Emperor
    You Are The Emperor
    You are an authority figure, and other people look to you for what to do.
    You are strong and powerful. Crossing you is not a good idea.
    You have worked hard to get to your position, and you’re not about to give it up to anyone.
    Though you have a warrior heart, you are gentle to those who treat you well.

    Your fortune:

    In the near future, you need to be willing and able to defend those you love.
    This may be the time for you to step up and be the authority figure to those around you.
    It is time for you to be independent, to become your own person.
    You may need to look at your relationship with your father, or your relationships as a father.

    “Kathy Lynn Douglass” is Death
    You Are Death
    You symbolize the end, which can be frightening.
    But you also symbolize the immortality of the soul.
    You represent transformation, rebirth of a new life.
    Sweeping away the past is part of this card, as painful as it may be.

    Your fortune:

    Don’t worry, this card does not predict death itself.
    Instead it foreshadows the ending of an era of your life, one that is hard to let go of.
    But with the future great new things will come, and it’s time to embrace them.
    Mourn for a while, but then face the future with humility and courage.

  • διαφώτιση-Aufklärung-啓発-Enlightenment

    But first….
    VIVA MEXICO!

    It’s Cinco de Mayo
    One hundred and forty-four years ago, an out-numbered and out-gunned
    army of 4,000 Mexicans tossed a French puppet-government out of Mexico in support of
    their democratically elected president, Benito Juarez.

    Viva Cinco de Mayo!  It’s more than just an excuse to drink tequila.

    The following article was commissioned by The BXU! Team and is posted on Non_Featured_Content
    as well as here.  If you don’t object to the likelihood of being
    exposed to deliberately offensive comments and some possibly
    pornographic profile pics accompanying them, join the discussion over
    there.  I prudently disabled the profile pics in comments here
    when Greyfox reminded me that he could lose his public library computer
    privileges if a librarian were to happen to see one of those little
    animated sex acts over his shoulder.


    What IS enlightenment
    anyway?  I don’t know, not in
    any holistic all-encompassing sense.  It means different things
    to
    different cultures, and even to different individual people within a
    single culture.  Its form and significance shift in sync
    with
    evolving consciousness.  Can we all agree that it involves
    transcendent awareness,
    understanding and/or wisdom
    Probably not.  We are not likely to find

    universal agreement on any abstraction, and in this world few things
    are more abstract than enlightenment.

    Can we all agree that

    “enlightenment” involves
    light?
     

    Certainly not.  I
    won’t

    stipulate that, except in the most

    metaphorical sense.  Is the “lightness” in

    enlightenment a matter of photons, or of intellectual brilliance, or of

    levity?  Is it appropriate to take enlightenment
    lightly?  If

    not, why not? 

    If you say you can explain what enlightenment is, I suspect your sincerity, your
    sanity,
    your wisdom, your awareness, or all of the
    above.  At its most holistic and sublime, enlightenment is
    as infinite as the Tao.  The Tao that can be spoken of is not the
    true Tao.

    Chapter One of the Tao Te Ching says,

    The way that can be spoken of
    Is not the constant way;
    The name that can be named
    Is not the constant name.

    The nameless was the beginning of heaven and earth;
    The named was the mother of the myriad creatures.

    Hence always rid yourself of desires in order to observe its secrets;
    But always allow yourself to have desires in order to observe its manifestations.

    These two are the same
    But diverge in name as they issue forth.
    Being the same they are called mysteries,
    Mystery upon mystery -
    The gateway of the manifold secrets.

    As attractive as a “photon” model or a “brilliance” model of
    enlightenment

    might be, it might be philosophically safer to postulate an enlightenment that
    nullifies gravity.  When we start talking about

    spirituality in terms of light and darkness we’re on shaky ground

    indeed.  Some people are likely to fall into absolutism,
    moralism,

    and other dualistic

    fallacies if we venture into that realm.  It’s a single
    short

    and perilous step from darkness versus light to wrong versus

    right.  I don’t want to go there.

    When you know, you know you know.  When you don’t know, you
    don’t

    know you don’t know.  If you think you know, you may feel as
    if

    you have seen the light, when in fact you have been hoodwinked and are

    dwelling in delusive darkness.    As I said, let’s don’t go
    there.

    If we confine our discussion to the English language, we’re going to be
    discussing:

    (A) the enlightenment that gave a name to the European
    reform movement

    of the Eighteenth Century, which precipitated the French and American

    Revolutions and many other equally deep but less bloody disagreements;
    or

    (B) a spiritual state of being with connections to the Buddhist and
    Hindu concepts of satori
    (often in Western culture conflated with samadhi) and
    nirvana,
    Eastern ideas that have

    been incompletely understood and translated as “enlightenment” in the
    West; or

    (C) our various idiosyncratic impressions of what enlightenment
    is.

    As usual, I choose (D), “all of the above.”

    First of all, my idea of enlightenment departs from the “satori” model

    because satori implies a single sudden qualitative leap in consciousness, a

    *SNAP* from the world of illusion (maya) into absolute awareness and liberation from ego.  Thus far,

    everything I have experienced in this finite observable universe has

    been relative.  In ordinary discourse, if I use the term,

    “absolutely,” it is merely a figure of speech denoting a definite

    decisiveness.  “Absolute,” to me, is like “infinite” and
    “vacuum”,

    an abstract marker or placeholder, an explanatory principle whose

    extreme totality provides a convenient rhetorical contrast to

    relativity.

    Satori is a “peak” experience.  Generally speaking, few
    people

    have either the ability or the desire to dwell on a peak.  It
    is

    possible, in the specific case of the satori peak, to sustain that

    state of blissful oblivion.  One school of thought considers
    this

    a worthy and desirable objective.  In some cultures one might
    be

    able to survive for an appreciable period of time in that
    state, seated beside the road with a begging bowl.  To current Western

    culture, there is scant perceptible difference between sustained
    satori

    and severe substance addiction or simple insanity.

    Some gurus warn against becoming addicted to satori and remaining in a

    blissed-out state to the detriment of one’s physical health and social

    obligations.  An analogous situation, expressed in shamanic
    terms,

    would be to journey to the Otherworld and stay there.  For a

    shaman, getting lost in the Otherworld would not be a desirable

    outcome, neither for himself nor for his clients, because a shaman goes there for access to power or

    knowledge that will be of use to him in this Middle World we call
    reality.  In order to make productive use of what he finds in the Otherworld, he must first return to this world.

    The

    relative desirability or undesirability of self-annihilation is as

    fundamental to a paradigm as a paradigm is to personality or

    culture.   I choose to inhabit a theoretically
    infinite

    reality in which

    experience, in a life lived consciously, reflectively and introspectively, brings a

    series of mini-satoris, epiphanies in which we learn

    something previously unknown or unimagined, uncover a false belief

    and replace it with one which is in closer alignment with perceptible

    fact, and/or realize our place as part of all that is.   Each
    such

    epiphany brings us relatively closer to the

    elusive illusive absolute enlightenment, without precluding
    further attainment of ever higher peaks.  That model of
    evolving

    awareness works in institutions and cultures as well as in individual consciousness.

    For example, take the preceding two millennia

    (please!):  the Age of Pisces.  It got off to a promising start with the loving

    revelation brought by the incarnation of the Christos, about the

    universal brotherhood of humanity in the parental love and guidance of

    the creator.  Not absolutely true and complete, it was

    nevertheless relatively enlightened, and just about the most progressive idea that was then

    comprehensible to our species.  It was certainly more humane,

    progressive and constructive than most of the diverse belief systems

    then in currency on Earth.

    Those new ideas spread quickly to every part of the planet, but they

    were diluted and polluted along the way with “old” ideas — the
    religious and

    philosophical baggage carried by the individual apostolic
    missionaries,

    and a diverse collection of existing beliefs that were incorporated
    with the apostolic

    message to make it more palatable to the locals.

    Just as
    beliefs

    from the Piscean Age are now resisting being supplanted by Aquarian

    concepts, during the Piscean Age the ideas and practices of the

    preceding Age of Aries (such as burnt sacrificial offerings to God) receded
    reluctantly,

    kicking and screaming into the oblivion of the past.

    By the end of the first quarter of the Age of Pisces, many of our

    planet’s people were reactionarily expressing the antithesis of the

    message of Christ.  Later centuries would call that time the
    Dark

    Ages. Fast forward to about three centuries before the end of the

    Piscean

    Age, and you find many people who were able to recognize the errors of

    their ancestors.  Looking back upon the Dark Ages and the

    paternalistic, authoritarian, feudalistic culture that grew out of
    that

    era, they called

    their understanding “Enlightenment.”  They wrote and painted and

    sculpted and taught and fought to bring their culture into closer

    alignment with the principles of universal equality under
    God.

    That’s one view of enlightenment, the Eurocentric Piscean Age

    perspective.  In a fairly typical reaction to epochal
    progression,

    Western New Age philosophy has rejected the contemporary view current

    in its own culture in favor of nirvana/satori, a more exotic and ancient
    idea.  It is

    similar, I think, to the way many adolescents in rebellion against

    their parents find themselves more in harmony with their

    grandparents, against whom their parents had rebelled.  The
    New Age movement is joined at the hip (like Yin and Yang, the two inseparable halves of the Tao) with a

    concurrent phenomenon, the Archaic Revival,
    which means, “shamanism, ecstacy, orgiastic sexuality, and the

    defeat of the three enemies of the people. And the three enemies of
    the

    people are hegemony, monogamy and monotony!”  (Terence
    McKenna
    )

    Ambrose Bierce, in his Devil’s Dictionary,

    defined “nirvana” as, “a state of pleasurable annihilation awarded to

    the wise, particularly to those wise enough to understand it.” Satori,

    in an online New Age
    Dictionary
    ,

    is defined thusly:  “The direct experience of realizing the
    nature

    of Mind, the ego’s obliteration, the experience of our living, sacred

    Self.  Satori demonstrates beyond all doubt that we and God
    are

    one in [sic] the same. Until we experience Satori we merely believe

    that there is the divine within us.”  [emphasis
    added]  This,

    except for the ego-annihilation, is semantically very similar to gnosis,

    the intuitive awareness of truth gained by direct mystical contact with

    Spirit.  Gnosis (silent “g”) shares its linguistic roots with

    knowing and knowledge (silent “k”).  As “I believe,” (faith) was the
    keynote of

    the age of Pisces, so “I know,” (gnosis, awareness, or even

    “enlightenment”) is the keynote of the Aquarian Age.

    Enlightenment

    by Van Morrison

    Chop that wood

    Carry water

    What’s the sound of one hand clapping

    Enlightenment, don’t know what it is

    Every second, every minute

    It keeps changing to something different

    Enlightenment, don’t know what it is

    Enlightenment, don’t know what it is

    It says it’s non attachment

    Non attachment. non attachment

    I’m in the here and now, and I’m meditating

    And still I’m suffering but that’s my problem

    Enlightenment, don’t know what it is

    Wake up

    Enlightenment says the world is nothing

    Nothing but a dream, everything’s an illusion

    And nothing is real

    Good or bad baby

    You can change it anyway you want

    You can rearrange it

    Enlightenment, don’t know what it is

    Chop that wood

    And carry water

    What’s the sound of one hand clapping

    Enlightenment, don’t know what it is

    All around baby you can see

    You’re making your own reality everyday because

    Enlightenment, don’t know what it is

    One more time

    Enlightenment. don’t know what it is

    It’s up to you

    Enlightenment. don’t know what it is

    It’s up to you everyday

    Enlightenment, don’t know what it is

    It’s always up to you

    Enlightenment, don’t know what it is

    It’s up to you, the way you think

  • still working — toward a unified theory of addiction

    I’m having more trouble with this entry than with any other I can
    remember.  Some of that trouble is just in the timing:  I was
    inspired with it on Monday, a  very brain-foggy day.  I spent
    most of the day, after accidentally finding an initial hint, searching
    out details and resources.  I read bazillions of words of text,
    only to realize at bedtime that I remembered very little of the
    technical detail.

    I got back to it on Tuesday, not much clearer-headed, and was
    interrupted as Greyfox arrived to drop off his winter tires for
    storage, take me up to the polling place for an important
    local school bond election, and to use our computer while he was
    here.  (It looks like our side won and there will be a couple of
    new schools
    built and some much-needed repairs to existing schools in the Mat-Su
    Valleys.  Absentee and questioned ballots are yet to be counted.)

    Wednesday, I was somewhat clearer-headed, but couldn’t get much time on
    the computer because Doug’s diurnal clock has gone into summer mode and
    he doesn’t sleep much.  After a futile wait through most of the
    day for him to go to bed and leave me with the machine, finally, after
    I was too tired to think straight, I did get a little bit of time here
    before I crashed.

    Now, back at it again on Thursday, my initial moves to bring up the web
    pages I had wanted to use as resources brought up not only the ones I’d
    read before but a new bunch on a tangential branch of the same general
    topic:  the neurochemistry behind emotions, addictions, etc. 
    My subject area keeps growing, and I can see that it is going to take
    me some time to tie it all together.  What I have now are some
    intriguing bits and pieces.


    Most people, unless they have been programmed through abuse and trauma to have an aversion to
    touching, find pleasure in cuddling.  Over the past couple of
    generations, psychologists have been noticing and telling us that
    hugging is has mental health benefits.  Pediatricians now know that babies who are not
    touched and held may
    fail to thrive.  In neonatal intensive care nurseries, and in the
    best infant-care facilities, there are workers whose main job is to
    cuddle the babies.  Many of those workers are elderly volunteers
    who derive as much benefit from the cuddling as the babies do.

    In Chapter 4 of Why We Love : The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love,
    Dr. Helen Fisher describes the interwoven chemical “Web of Love: 
    Lust, Romance and Attachment” and how hormones such as testosterone,
    oxytocin and vasopressin interact in the normal progression of
    mammalian pair bonds (including those of humans) from sexual attraction
    through head-over-heels limerance, to either ultimate rejection and
    parting or the transformation of romantic feelings into affectionate or
    companionate attachment in a long-term relationship.

    Dopamine is the neurotransmitter most often associated with
    pleasure.  Our brains get a spurt of dopamine when we learn
    something new, and the brains of rapid learners and those with high IQs
    generally get a bigger jolt of dopamine for learning than do more
    normal brains.  Dopamine is associated with romantic love and with
    addiction.  In my opinion, it’s all a form of addiction:  I
    know I’m addicted to learning.  Dopamine itself is quite evidently
    an addictive substance.  Lab rats will obsessively do whatever
    they must do to get their next jolt of dopamine, even killing
    themselves in the process.  I spent much of my life addictively
    chasing after romantic “love”, and a much briefer but more intense
    portion of my life chasing both romance and chemical addictions. 
    I think there is now ample evidence in the literature to indicate that
    what was once called “addictive personality” is a dopamine imbalance.

    Oyxtocin is a hormone composed of nine amino acids:
    H – Cys – Tyr – Ile – Gln – Asn – Cys – Pro – Leu – Gly – NH3
            |____________________|
    Now
    here is the chain of ideas that has been engaging my
    attention this week:  oxytocin is known to be involved in the
    transition
    from “addictive” head-over-heels romantic “love” to settled, warm,
    affectionate pair-bonding.  Oxytocin is involved in the bonding
    between parents and children.  Hugging and cuddling increase
    levels of oxytocin in the human central nervous system. 
    “Fertilization-focused” sex, where orgasm is the goal and purpose, is
    addictive, and is also associated with other types of addiction. 
    Most addicts are poly-addicted and have other co-morbid mental health
    issues.  Tantric sex or any sexual activity that is not
    orgasm-driven isn’t addictive, and is known to have mental health
    benefits that include recovery from addictions.

    Have you heard about “Cuddle Parties“? 
    They have been going on for a couple of years, having started on the
    West
    Coast (no surprise there) and spread first to the East Coast and now to
    the South and Midwest.  They are described as “workshops” and as,
    “a playful social event designed for adults to explore communication,
    boundaries and affection. Facilitated by a “Cuddle Lifeguard on Duty,”
    who creates a comfortable, non-threatening environment, it’s a great
    place to make new friends and to learn about yourself.”  
    Some of the sources I have been reading this week suggest that these
    cuddle sessions not only have a healing effect on relationship issues,
    but can help people break out of addictive cycles.

    I have found too many sources to read all at once, and have read more
    of this stuff than I am able to absorb all at once.  One very
    interesting branch on the tree of my current obsession is Hedweb’s Good Drug Guide.  Associated with that is this:

    Contemporary
    images of opiate-addled junkies, and the lever-pressing frenzies of
    intra-cranially self-stimulating rats, are deceptive. Such stereotypes
    stigmatise, and falsely discredit, the only remedy for the world’s
    horrors and everyday discontents that is biologically realistic. For it
    is misleading to contrast social and intellectual development with
    perpetual happiness. There need be no such trade-off. Thus states of
    “dopamine-overdrive” can actually enhance
    exploratory and goal-directed activity. Hyper-dopaminergic states can also increase the range
    and diversity of actions an organism finds rewarding. Our descendants
    may live in a civilisation of serenely well-motivated “high-achievers”,
    animated by gradients of bliss. Their productivity may far eclipse our
    own.

    As I searched and read and clicked link
    after link this week, I was taken down another trail that ties together
    sugar addiction, the obesity epidemic, and the growing prevalence of
    substance addictions in our culture.  I found the following table
    of signs and symptoms through a website promoting Radiant Recovery,
    healing addiction through nutrition, with online lessons that seem
    overpriced to me but might be ideal for someone who doesn’t live below
    the poverty line as my family does.

    Low Blood Sugar

    Low Level of
    Serotonin

    Low Level of Beta
    Endorphin

    Tired all the time

    Depressed

    Low pain tolerance

    Tired for no reason

    Impulsive

    Tearful, reactive

    Restless, can’t keep
    still

    Short attention span

    Low self-esteem

    Confused

    Blocked, scattered

    Overwhelmed by others’
    pain

    Has trouble remembering

    Flies off the handle

    Feels isolated

    Has trouble concentrating

    Suicidal

    Depressed, hopeless

    Easily frustrated

    Reactive

    Feels ‘done to’ by others

    More irritable than usual

    Craves sweets

    Craves sugar!

    Gets angry unexpectedly

    Craves mostly
    carbohydrates like bread, pasta and cereal

    Emotionally overwhelmed

    from Potatoes, Not Prozac

    These are just some highlights of this
    week’s explorations and discoveries.  I will be returning to these
    sources to absorb and digest them, for eventual inclusion in our
    Addicts Unlimited program, but not today.  After I post this, I’ll
    shower, dress up (because Greyfox says he’s going to dress up and he
    likes for us to have “sartorial parity” when he is seen in public with
    me), and head down the valley.  Tonight is our NA group’s monthly
    business meeting, and we are running out of kitty litter, so it seems
    more practical to make the trip today and catch the meeting rather than
    putting it off for another day.

    Later.

  • I’m working on something.

    I
    spent most of yesterday tracking down reference materials and
    reading.  I realized at bedtime last night that I didn’t remember
    much of the technical detail.  I don’t even know whether many (or
    any) of my readers will be interested in technical details, but I am
    interested and that’s what counts.

    This is an expansion and extension of the study of the neurochemical
    basis of love that I have discussed previously in connection with Helen
    Fisher’s work regarding romance.  Her book also goes into
    affectionate and companionate attachment, and I have recently happened
    upon information on the web that ties into this and takes it into parental bonding and other
    directions, too.

    Yesterday’s work was strenuous, a strain on the brain.  Today, I
    have enhanced my own neurochemistry with nootropics — “smart
    nutrients”, cognitive enhancers — and I’m feeling somewhat sharper,
    less fogbound.  If all goes well, I might even do the readings
    that have been sitting here in my backlog for a couple of weeks. 
    It’s too early in the day to say for sure.

    Greyfox will be here in an hour or less.  He is bringing his
    winter tires to store for the season, and some supplies for us. 
    The main purpose of his trip is to vote.  There’s an important
    school bond election today and we want to do our bit toward fixing the
    roof of Su Valley High.  After we get back from the polls, he will
    want to use the computer. 

    As I said, it’s too early to know what I’ll get done today.  One
    thing I do know is that I’m going to be huggling and snuggling with my
    Old Fart.  Seeya later.

  • The Funny Feeling in my Head

    When I described my “malaise” to Greyfox, he thought it was
    funny.  He used to spend lots of money and take lots of drugs to
    get the “disconnected” effect, the “floaty” feeling, dizzy vertigo upon
    sudden movement, lethargy and sleepiness.  I, on the other hand,
    used to go to a lot of trouble to get the drugs that would make me feel
    energetic, clear and sharp.

    Times change and people change.  He appears to be making friends
    with the state of ordinary consciousness or, if not actually friendly
    with it, he has become more accepting.

    For me, the thought of actually welcoming brainfog and vertigo is
    absurd and a little scary.  I think I’d have to be in very bad
    shape to want to feel so insulated from everything.  But, like
    Greyfox, I’m growing to accept what is, and right now that is a foggy
    mind.  Alertness is beyond me at the moment, but I intend to be as
    vigilant as I can in order to catch my next lucid moment and make good
    use of it.

    I have work to do, letters to write, bills to pay.  Not all of
    that can be deferred indefinitely, but I’ll put some of it off until I
    think I can do it without making a hash of it.  I’ll take my
    vitamins and try to remember to eat and keep my blood sugar up, and
    maybe I’ll feel human later on.

    I hope so.  Previous experience suggests that tomorrow might be a
    better day, because I finally got some uninterrupted sleep last night
    for the first time since my trip to town last Thursday.

    Meanwhile, I’m off to find something non-strenuous and unchallenging to occupy my mind.

    [EDIT, about 11:15 AM]
    This question deserves an answer:

    So what happened to those quick and sharp drugs? lol
    Posted 5/1/2006 at 10:53 AM by flaminredhead

    Methamphetamine is even more readily available now than it was when I
    was using it, thirty-some years ago.  I decided to stop using it
    because the toxicity was more than I could take and survive, and the
    comedown, the rebound effect after it wore off, was severe enough to
    make me want to die.

    Now, when I need to be able to function and have no other recourse, I
    take herbal stimulants.  The rebound is less, the toxicity is
    minimal, and maybe best of all, they’re legal.  For me, they have
    to be an infrequent, emergency measure.  This body just can’t
    stand the chemical abuse.