April 7, 2006

• My Discontent

  Home again after my trip to town, I’m a mess.  It’s not just the
  physical exhaustion.  It is this foolish internal dialogue. 
  Maybe it’s a trialogue… hard to tell how many voices there are. 
  One of them just keeps laughing at the bullshit being batted back and
  forth by the rest.

  I had a wonderful day in Wasilla with Greyfox.  We seem to be
  getting a better grasp on how this relationship works best.  Twice
  today, we split up — he was at the neighborhood laundromat getting a
  shower when I got to his place.  I met him over there and when he
  headed for his cabin to put out some food and water for the feral cats
  and shift some gear and merchandise around so we could both go in his
  car for the shopping, I made a short trip up the hill to a big box
  store for dog chewies and some other bargains. 

  After lunch, we headed for another big supermarket, and each of us took
  a cart so we could each get the limit on the cat food on sale. 
  Then he picked up a few things he needed and I spent about a year and a
  half trekking and backtracking to stock up on supplies so I don’t have
  to go shopping for a while.  He returned to his car and rested
  while I was wearing myself out and toting up about four feet of cash
  register tape.  This was easier on both of us than having him gimp
  and groan around with me and maybe have apoplexy over the sticker shock
  at the end.  When we shop together with just one cart, he’s the
  gallant macho dude and lets me use the cart for my walker.  We
  really both need walkers.

  We shopped some more, together, and had another quick meal in the deli
  at another supermarket before the NA meeting.   Good meeting,
  but I’ve never been to a bad one.  We laughed and shared so many
  little emotional moments it’s hard to believe it all happened in just
  an hour.  Afterward, I washed up the coffee cups and pots and
  wiped down the tables while Greyfox chaired the monthly business
  meeting.  I dearly love spending time with that crazy bunch of
  dope fiends.  That’s what started the dopey internal dialogue

  On the way back to Greyfox’s cabin, I asked him if he thought we could
  afford for me to start coming to town every week.  Then I laughed
  at myself and said that by the time I’ve recovered from today’s fatigue
  I may not want to go back again for a month or more.  He and I
  kicked that topic around a bit without reaching a conclusion, so I
  kicked it around by myself on the drive up the valley.  When I
  caught myself wishing, I started kicking myself.

  I wished I weren’t ill, wished we had more money… then I wished I had
  sense enough not to indulge in foolishness like wishing.  I
  reminded myself how much I have to be grateful for.  Just being
  alive is an achievement, a glory and a joy.  As I thought about
  how much better my life is now than it ever was before, I started
  berating myself for failing to simply appreciate that.  I do
  appreciate that, but with me nothing is ever simple.

  I was working so hard at chasing my own thoughts around and around in
  my head, it’s amazing I made it all the way up the valley intact. 
  About the time I was ready to turn off the highway and stop at our
  mailbox before shifting into 4-wheel drive for the rest of the way
  home, a couple of the noisiest voices in my head achieved agreement on
  this point:  it is hard to accept oneself as a flawed, imperfect
  person, when one also happens to be a perfectionist.  That other
  voice was still snickering off to one side.

  On Wednesday, Greyfox blogged about his latest plan
  for drawing attention to his roadside stand to increase business. 
  It involved a Halloween costume he had found in the dumpster there at
  Felony Flats.  Here he is, the man I love –

  
   
  

  

  • 4:44 am
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