September 14, 2005
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…the kindness of strangers
Oh, that’s not quite right. It’s really just many kindnesses from
some people I’ve never met. It’s not right to call them strangers
when we’re all Xangans and have shared some intimacies in our
blogs. There are varying degrees of intimacy, varying levels
of self-revelation among the people writing here. I’m certainly
no stranger to anyone who reads much of what I’ve written. James
once emailed me to say that reading my memoirs was like walking in and
coming upon me unexpectedly just as I step from the shower. Yeah,
naked honesty… it’s not exactly easy or comfortable all the time, but
I came here on a mission from Spirit and I take it seriously. A
journal that is less than honest wouldn’t really serve the purpose for
me.But I digress. I was thinking about the kindness of people I’ve
never met because I have been enjoying a generous gift from LuckyStars,
who had a local newspaper with an article about bikers that she wanted
to send me. Since she was sending that, she asked me if there was
a book I’d like to have. I told her that I’d just learned that
James Lee Burke has a new Dave Robichaux novel out, and she sent that
and the biker article, with a couple of other newspapers for good
measure. What a treat!
Kansas City Star, that’s what you are, Marian.I wouldn’t be able to blog at all if not for the generosity of some
other Xangans who gave me this computer I’m using and paid for some
vital peripherals for it. The business license which makes it
legal for me to do readings at KaiOaty
was paid for by generous Xangan contributions. This damned
disease keeps me from holding a regular job, but thanks to Xanga I’m
not a total burden on Greyfox. That means more to me than I know
how to express.I want to share something from the new book. Don’t know why, and
won’t question the whys of it. When I read this, I just had an
impulse to blog it, so that’s what I’m doing. I love having the
liberty to do things like this.Question: What can dumb and fearful people always be counted on to do?Answer: To try to control and manipulate everyone in their environment.
Question: What is the tactic used by these same dumb people as they try to control others?
Answer: They lie.
James Lee Burke
Crusader’s Cross
Chapter 8
More on words, leftover from yesterday –
My rant on the magical thinking involved in our culture’s
usage of the phrase, “I’m sorry,”
(did you understand when you read it that this is what I was ranting
about?) brought some interesting reactions. Now you’re going to
get my reactions to the comments.So by that definition, would “Whoops! I did it again” be as empty a song?
In customer service we’re taught to apologize, but when you do it a dozen times a day it loses its weight.
In personal relationships, real guilt involved, it carries none at all, I agree. What’s done is done, and trust lost is lost.
Posted 9/12/2005 at 6:44 PM by blankityblank
Having been conditioned by the therapy group to avoid the words, “I’m
sorry,” I have had to find other words in which to express my regret or
chagrin or distress at having caused distress to someone else.
Interestingly, “Whoops! I did it again,” is one of the ways I’ve
used. Voice and body language that accompany it can add a lot to
the verbal sentiment.It must be a drag sometimes, being a professional sorry person.
Some of the customer service reps I’ve encountered when I call to
complain about defective merchandise really overdo it. The harder
they try to convince me that they really care about my dissatisfaction,
the less convincing they are.In reading the onelook definition of “sorry” it
almost makes sense if the person is admitting that they are “sorry” as
in “I’m a sorry excuse for a friend.”The definition relating to amends is also interesting. When it
comes time to make amends for past ….whatevers…. well, it’s
occurred to me that there aren’t a whole lot of ways to make amends.
You can’t make amends to someone who is no longer in your life other
than by admitting that you wronged them somehow. If someone is
currently in your life then you can acknowledge fault and then not
repeat the offense. If paying restitution is actually the proper way
to make amends I’m not sure how that would work in most cases. It
would be a simple matter if the wrong that you did to someone was
stealing from them but for other wrongs to make amends for, how can
restitution be paid? Carrying around the guilt for past mistakes is
counterproductive to the whole Step 4 and 5 exercise isn’t it?Not sure if that made sense. I think you know what I mean.
Posted 9/12/2005 at 7:18 PM by mooncry
When someone says he is sorry, but the tone and body language indicate
insincerity, sometimes it is just too tempting to come back with
something like, “Yeah, I know how sorry you are. You’re the
sorriest excuse for a human being I’ve ever seen.” I have done
this, but Greyfox is much better at it than I am. Of course, in
some situations, those would be fighting words, but then again, as far
as I’m concerned an insincere “apology” is fighting words.Regarding amends in the 12-step programs, as I said in yesterday’s
blog, many people think that saying you’re sorry is enough.
Greyfox has told me that this interpretation of steps 8 and 9 is just
to relieve the transgressor’s guilt and isn’t meant or expected to do
anything to redress actual wrongs. I have enough respect for AA’s
founders to think that they had something more concrete in mind.
In my opinion, it would take a very sick and twisted mind to find any relief from guilt in merely saying, “I’m sorry.”We talk about amends sometimes in our NA meetings. One of my
favorite old dope fiends there points out that step 8 refers to being willingto
make amends. If you can honestly say to yourself, “I’d make it
all up to so-and-so, if only it were possible,” then you have step 8
covered. Step 9 refers to making “direct amends… wherever
possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.” This
one, by mentioning direct
amends, implies indirect amends. One form of indirect amends, for
example if you had stolen from someone now dead or from a store no
longer in business, could be to give the equivalent to charity.
Another form of indirect amends, for intangible wrongs such as lying,
manipulating, breaking promises, etc., is just to never do it
again. That is ever so much better for one’s self-esteem than
just mouthing empty words.there are worse things than hearing “i’m sorry” …
like never hearing it from someone who has done many things that
weren’t right … true, “sorry” may not make something better … but
not saying it or something like it can send a worse message after a few
times … “i don’t care what i did to hurt you”Posted 9/12/2005 at 7:40 PM by pyramidtermite
I guess my husband does the right thing then – he
never says he’s sorry, and he never is. I would like to hear it
though, because it might show some comprehension that he has done
something to be sorry about.Posted 9/12/2005 at 10:02 PM by maggie_mcfrenzie
I would much rather hear a sincere, “I don’t give a shit what you think
or how you feel,” than any insincere protestations of caring. To
me, there is nothing worse to hear from a loved one than insincere
representations of love. It is just too tempting to believe that
sort of bullshit, thus preserving the dysfunctional relationship and
leaving oneself open to further abuse. If we all said what we
mean and never required polite little white lies from each other, there
wouldn’t be any dysfunctional relationships.I soooo understand this. I appreciate a sincere
‘I’m sorry’, but after the words come out, some action is expected.
That’s what did in my relationship with my ex-husband… I got sick of
hearing the apology and then not seeing anything come of it. It’s
pretty stupid really, to grovel and cry and beg forgiveness for giving
your partner a heap of b.s., then continue giving them more b.s. Why
bother apologizing if you aren’t going to do anything differently?But then there’s the “I’m sorry that crappy thing happened to you,
even if I had nothing to do with it” apology. Those can be kinda nice
sometimes.Posted 9/12/2005 at 10:13 PM by lupa
I do sometimes say, “I’m sorry,” and it is almost always in that
situation that lupa describes, when I haven’t done any wrong but am
feeling real empathetic sorrow for the distress of another. Also,
infrequently, if the distress I’ve caused another so distresses me that
I feel true sorrow and there is nothing else I can do about it, I will
sincerely say I am sorry. In this reality in which I live, these
are the only times when, “I’m sorry,” is appropriate.
Comments (8)
this is an interesting topic……i was thinking that the use of “sorry” was the one of an interjection…..
Funny, I dislike hearing “im sorry” I think it is lame and usually an excuse to behave badly since the words are so easy to use.
” Question: What can dumb and fearful people always be counted on to do?
Answer: To try to control and manipulate everyone in their environment.
Question: What is the tactic used by these same dumb people as they try to control others?
Answer: They lie. “
I loved that tidbit up there. It is very appropriate for a little person in my life temporarily.
Nothing to add, just popping in to say this was an excellent subject. Also, it’s interesting to read the NA aspect.
I agree with you that insincere protestations of caring just suck! Dh used to say “I love you” in every second sentence, but has never behaved as if he cared about me, just himself. So I don’t want to hear it – it’s absolutely meaningless to me and I don’t believe it. However, I would appreciate he apologise when he physically hurts me to show that perhaps he didn’t mean to hurt us and acknowledges that he did. Instead he will blame me for saying “ow”. So I’d like to hear a “sorry” now and then. It’s a word that simply doesn’t come out of his mouth because to him it indicates blame and according to him, he is never wrong.
Hi sweety–before I forget, I have another CD burn request for Doug,m besides the new Stones–anything by PJ Harvey–she has like seven albums out, so there oughtta be SOMETHING out there he could steal for me. Far as your topic goes–for relatively small stuff “Ooops, my bad” usually works for me.
Or when I am called on some error, i acknowledge it and thank the person for setting the record straight.
BTW, I am mid-blog now, may not get a done this AM, I wanna do it right. I may just draft it this morning, proof and post tomorrow.
Xanga people are truly amazing.
I needed help outfitting a student for prom last year and with the generous donations of dresses, jewelry, make-up and more from xangans, I was able to help out half a dozen girls.
The people here are gems.
kansas city star…that’s what i are.
i’m just glad the book got there in one piece.
i know of the generosity, too. and it still takes me by surprise when it happens.
i’m sitting here chuckling over the comments left by fellow customer service reps over the conditioning of saying “i’m sorry” all day long. oh, i say it alright…just like i’ve been trained. but? i sit there flipping them off while doing so. i am, if nothing, a mature customer service rep.
I disagree most wholeheartedly with Greyfox! The whole process & progress of the Steps is to remove our character defects and help us become more real, more spiritual human beings. I always thought Bill W. put the word “direct” in front of amends to indicate that you have to DO something — “I’m sorry”, said to somebody else besides the person you hurt, just isn’t good enough. In order to be thoroughly rid of whatever it is that drove you to do those hurtful things, having to participate in some action of repentenance is necessary work to grow past whatever it is that drove you.
As you say, the most sincere amends is to stop doing what you did to cause the other person hurt. Sometimes, just the act of acknowledging what you did and that you now realize how hurtful it was are the best amends of all. Repayment is also soul-cleansing, if possible. In every instance, the objective is to create a situation of caring for the other person, as a counterbalance to a relationship of manipulation, disdain, emotional abuse, physical abuse or whatever it was.
I’ve had to quit saying “I’m sorry.” It’s so glib, so flip, so meaningless. The apologies I give outline what I think I’ve done that was hurtful, and conclude with something on the order of “it wasn’t my intention to hurt you and I apologize for my actions.”
I don’t feel like I captured what I mean with these words, but it’s a start. And the comments section really isn’t meant for treatises, is it?