September 12, 2005

• Don’t tell me you’re sorry.

  Once again, my topic is words:  semantics, semiotic and some of
  the subtler psychological effects of language.  This arises out of
  a delightful conversation between Greyfox and me last evening, in which
  he told me about an encounter he had with another Felony Flats
  businessman, and drew parallels to that vulgar encounter I had last
  week with the semi-literate paranoiac coprocephalic fool here on Xanga
  who thought I was a stalker.

  There was delight in our conversation from several causes.  Both
  of us take a perhaps immature but nevertheless pleasant delight in
  confronting stupidity, absurdity, irresponsible behavior and other
  relatively minor social ills.  I suppose in some sense it
  compensates us for not being rich enough or foolhardy enough to go for
  some bigger targets.  My love and I also feel a warm mutual
  delight whenever we find something on which we see eye to eye. 
  Differences of opinion can’t stop unconditional love, but we differ on
  so many things that finding ourselves in accord on something just feels
  so good!

  Here’s the condensed version of Greyfox’s incident:
  The man who sells concrete lawn ornaments at the strip has an unruly
  dog that he sometimes allows to run loose.  She is a friendly
  sweetie, but has never been taught any manners.  She has knocked
  stock off Greyfox’s tables and damaged it, and she has jumped up on
  him, snagged his clothes and scratched him.  This is an ongoing
  source of friction between the men.  Yesterday, the dog made some
  ugly scratches in the finish of Greyfox’s new car.

  When he confronted the dog’s owner, the guy said he was sorry. 
  Now comes the part of this story that is most delightful to me. 
  Greyfox jumped all over the man (verbally, figuratively speaking) and
  told him that when she scratched him, it was one thing.  Skin
  heals.  Scratching the car was something else — it rusts. 
  Greyfox said the man came back with a whiny, “But I said I was
  sorrreee.”  (here comes the good part)  Greyfox coldly
  replied, “Sorry doesn’t change anything.”

  It was not so very long ago that I was saying similar things to Greyfox
  when he would try to weasel out of some malicious or irresponsible act
  by saying he was sorry.  It really astounded him when he got to
  know me, to learn that those magic words had no magic as far as I’m
  concerned.  It wasn’t always that way with me.  As a child I
  was trained by my mother as most kids are.  When I’d tell
  someone to her face what I thought of her, or bite the playmate who had
  just whacked me on the head, or commit any other childish crime,
  Mama would shove me toward the injured party and say in a stage
  whisper, “Now say you’re sorry.”  I learned, just as all kids do
  who are programmed that way, that “sorry” lets you off the hook.

  I had my eyes opened to that bullshit when I was in the therapy group
  run by the junkies of the Family House heroin rehab program. 
  Personal responsibility was their anti-drug.  There wasn’t
  anything that would let anyone off the hook as far as they were
  concerned.  If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime. 
  Insincere recitations of “sorry” brought confrontation, verbal attack,
  and contempt.  All the honest and sincere contrition in the world
  might gain you some understanding and compassion, but it wouldn’t bring
  forgiveness.  Groveling just didn’t work.  The way to earn
  their respect and forgiveness was to look them in the eyes and admit
  that you’d fucked up, and assure them that you’d learned something
  valuable from the experience and wouldn’t do it again.

  Last week when I received that plaintive “comment” from the sorry
  shithead, it wasn’t all the fucking instances of the word “fuck” that
  offended me.  I stated this in my blog entry, but most if not all
  of my readers overlooked it:  what pissed me off was that the
  little fucker said he was sorry.  I hear all the time in AA that
  resentment is a “dubious luxury” the lush cannot afford.  I think
  they would do well to extend that idea to “apologies” that are aimed at
  buying forgiveness. Twelve-steppers are supposed to make amends to
  those they have wronged and I have heard many people say that their
  idea of making amends is to say they are sorry.  That’s what
  Greyfox tried on me and it just didn’t work.  What utter and foul
  bullshit it is!

  Quick definitions (amends)
  onelook.com

   noun:   something done or paid in expiation of a wrong (Example: “How can I make amends”)

   noun:   a sum of money paid in compensation for loss or injury

  As my friends the abstaining junkies said, “Sorry don’t cut no
  ice.”  In Greyfox’s words, “Sorry doesn’t change anything.” 
  If it is spoken sincerely, with feeling, it might go some distance
  toward assuaging hurt feelings and mending a relationship, but it is most often just tossed off
  thoughtlessly and irresponsibly, with the expectation expressed by
  Greyfox’s neighbor and my little fucking shitheaded stalkee, that it
  should automatically get them some forgiveness.  Used in that way,
  the words are an insult.

  Quick definitions (apology)
  onelook.com

   noun:   a poor example (Example: “It was an apology for a meal”)

   noun:   an expression of regret at having caused
  trouble for someone (Example: “He wrote a letter of apology to the
  hostess”)

   noun:   a formal written defense of something you believe in strongly

  
  apology

      1533, “defense, justification,” from L.L. apologia,
  from Gk. apologia “a speech in defense,” from apologeisthai “to speak
  in one’s defense,” from apologos “an account, story,” from apo- “from,
  off” (see apo-) + logos “speech.” The original Eng. sense of
  “self-justification” yielded a meaning “frank expression of regret for
  wrong done,” first recorded 1594, but it was not the main sense until
  18c. The old sense tends to emerge in Latin form apologia (first
  attested 1784), especially since J.H. Newman’s “Apologia pro Vita Sua”
  (1864). The Gk. equivalent of apologize (1725 in the modern sense of
  “acknowledge and express regret”), apologizesthai, meant simply “to
  give an account.”

  Online Etymology Dictionary

  I am appalled at the semantic corruption and distortion that have been
  perpetrated on the word, “apology”.  I would be willing to accept
  a real apology.  I would often appreciate a real apology, an
  explanation and justification for some offense.  Hey, if it can be
  justified and explained, then it’s okay with me.  But I am not
  going to be blown off with “sorry”.  Saying you are sorry doesn’t
  justify anything.  It doesn’t explain anything.  The only
  concept it conveys is that you are sorry, and that’s a sorry state to
  be in.

  Quick definitions (sorry)

  onelook.com

  adjective:   bad; unfortunate (Example: “A sorry state of affairs”)

  adjective:   without merit (Example: “A sorry horse”)

  adjective:   depressing in character or appearance (Example:
  “Sorry routine that follows on the heels of death- B.A.Williams”)

  And just don’t get me started on the trend of official
  “apologies” made by conquerors to the indigenous peoples on whom
  they’ve practiced genocide and other atrocities.  Sorry don’t cut
  no ice.
  

  • 9:46 pm
  • 13 Comments