August 8, 2005

• …and now peace reigns

  Seph and Matt headed back toward town a few hours ago.  I was on
  the phone at the time, talking to my new NA sponsee, and there were no
  formal goodbyes.  It’s hard to tell just what impact our
  conversation had, but I’d be willing to bet money that it had some
  therapeutic effect.

  Expressing one’s conflicted and “negative” feelings is nearly always
  therapeutic.  I guided the conversation that way as much as I
  could and then listened attentively and responded honestly. 
  That’s the best I can do.  It was a little disappointing to me
  that early on in the conversation Doug moved to this end of the room
  and focused on a solo computer game.  I know he was listening even
  if he didn’t make much response.

  We had started talking about the hard feelings over the game scenario,
  but the talk soon sequed into something with which Doug has little
  experience, but about which Seph and Matt both have unresolved
  feelings:  relationships.  Seph is divorced and the marriage
  was a nightmare for him. 

  In Germany his wife’s erratic behavior caused problems with other
  military personnel and dependents, and got the civilian police
  involved.  Seph was ordered to deal with her, or else the Army
  would and it would rebound negatively on him.  He sent her and his
  step-son back to the states, and then dealt with the legal problems and
  her erratic behavior long-distance.

  Matt set himself up for something similar but very different, with a
  woman he met while overseas and invited home with him.  Neither of
  them lived up to the other’s expectations, and all weekend here he was
  speaking bitterly about “women” in general.  When our conversation
  had come around to the open and honest expression of real feelings, I
  made that my opening to confront his misogyny. 

  I told him I got pissed off listening to him badmouth women.  At
  first he denied it, but he couldn’t maintain that for long in the face
  of my confrontation.  Then he got defensive and told me about some
  of his grievances against the young woman in question.  I pointed
  out how he had set himself up for disappointment by having certain
  expectations, and how he had encouraged her expectations by vowing to
  “take care of” her.

  All of us benefited, with the possible exception of Doug.  I
  learned a lot of specifics about what’s been going on in the lives of
  these two boys I love, and had the pleasure of resolving some issues
  with them.  Seph (and to a lesser extent, Matt) got to express
  some feelings and insights and get validation for his growth. 
  Matt was forced, for a while, to be real.  That’s a biggie, when
  one’s everyday persona is a mask. 

  Doug… well, it’s hard to say.  Intuitively, I think Doug got
  some positive stuff out of the weekend as a whole, but that is my own
  unconfirmed guesswork.  As usual, when I told him how I perceived
  the situation and asked him for his feedback I got a non-committal,
  “Yeah.”  I pressed for more:  agree or disagree, confirm or
  deny.  He said that what I’d said had been my opinion and he
  couldn’t comment on it.  He has no opinion.  He also has one
  of the most severe cases of alexithymia I’ve ever encountered.  He
  could be the alexithymia poster boy.

  alexithymia A
  disturbance in affective and cognitive function that can be present in
  an assortment of diagnostic entities.  Is common in psychosomatic
  disorders, addictive disorders, and posttraumatic stress disorder. The
  chief manifestations are difficulty in describing or recognizing one’s
  own emotions, a limited fantasy life, and general constriction in affective
  life.
  

  Glossary of Psychiatric Terminology

  I get frustrated sometimes, trying to
  get Doug to tell me how he feels, especially when he’s acting
  out.  This is something for us to work on, I suppose, along with
  our various shared and separate addictions and other issues.

  Meanwhile, there’s kittens, three cute little gray tabby kittens, each
  clearly distinguishable from the others by its markings.  Our best
  guess is they were born
  Thursday or very early Friday.  Evidence indicates they were born
  there in the closet where they’re still nestled.  Hilary has
  evidenced no anxiety or stress.  She is not protective of the nest
  or aggressive toward the other cats.  Little Nemo, the half-grown
  orange kitten, has been staying nearby.  Once when I checked on
  the nest while Hilary was out, Nemo was stretched out with the kittens,
  baby-sitting. 

  We don’t know whether Muffin has visited the
  kittens, but when Granny Mousebreath
  Frogbreath sniffed at one of them
  in Doug’s hand she gave a little hiss, went over and sniffed at the
  nest and then left the room.  It is more or less the same sort of
  reception she gave to Hilary and Nemo when we brought them home. 
  She has gained some grudging acceptance of their presence.  I
  suppose the new kittens will be accepted, too.  Granny is getting
  old.  She was mature, maybe five years old, give or take a few
  years, when we moved in here in 1998.  She’s cranky and doesn’t
  appreciate Hilary’s or Nemo’s attempts to play with her, but she’ll
  snuggle with either of them if they’ll just hold still.

  Come to think of it, that’s more or less my own attitude toward the critters around here.
  

  • 1:46 am
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