October 29, 2004

  • went to town yesterday —

    I wasn’t feeling well before I left.  My eyes had been bothering
    me:  focusing difficulties, something that happens to me,
    sometimes frequently. At other times I have long periods of time when
    this damned disease picks on other neurological areas and muscle groups
    and my eyes work okay.  As with much of the other sensorimotor
    crap I can often override the weakness with extra concentration and
    effort.  When it’s my eyes involved, the clearer vision usually
    comes with a headache.  I had the headache before I got to town,
    but at least I hadn’t run off the road.

    Late last evening, while our favorite Mexican restaurant was closing as
    we ate our dinners, I told Greyfox I have to remember what I get out of
    these trips to town.  There is a big energy cost, a lengthy
    downtime as I recover after I get back home, but that’s my tradeoff for
    the mental health benefit from the trips.  Keeping them to
    two-week intervals as I’ve been doing lately seems to give me a good
    balance, with some time to get things done at home between trips.

    My passengers from the rehab ranch for the NA meeting included a few
    new people this time.  There was a sense of morale and camaradarie
    that has largely been absent before.  There was a lot of joking
    and laughter and friendly joshing with one man in particular who was
    having a wild hair day.  The tension and animosity that often
    finds expression in that group of diverse people in stressful personal
    situations who are shut up together in a pressured environment, weren’t
    there last night.

    One of them picked relapse as a topic and there was some great sharing
    of experience.  I talked about my recent violent conflicts with
    Greyfox and how they might have led me to a relapse — I did think
    about getting loaded — and how I resolved the conflicts and convinced
    myself that getting loaded wouldn’t be worth the cost.  Greyfox
    talked about our crisis, too, and said that twice during that time he
    had thought about having a cigarette.  But he realized that one
    cigarette today would be a pack and a half tomorrow, and then maybe
    he’d smoke some dope and then if he went on and got drunk…. 
    We’ve been down that road before.

    It was a good meeting.  I probably hadn’t needed
    it in the sense that my abstinence would be imperiled without it, but
    it was good for my state of mind.  Greyfox and I spending the day
    together was good for our relationship, too.  I think his recent
    blowup might also be good for us if its effects on his honesty and
    openness continue.  The aftermath of his blowup, during which I
    did some introspection and saw how badly I’d lost my detachment and
    been focusing my resistance on him rather than on his behavior, was
    helpful. 

    I also had some time to reflect on the precipitating factors. 
    He’s been getting a lot of frustration and narcissistic injury at his
    recent shows, along with the narcissistic supply he counts on from
    them.  The day-to-day stand business just hasn’t been happening
    due to weather and his preparations for and recovery after the
    shows.  He has been feeling economic insecurity.

    In addition to that, there have been some powerful astrological aspects
    for him this month.  The New Moon / Solar Eclipse came near his
    birthday, at the time of his Solar Return.  The conventional
    wisdom is that the seeds sown at each new moon mature when the moon
    reaches full.  That blowup came at the Full Moon / Lunar
    Eclipse.  Despite that, and the stresses of living with a
    [probably] pregnant cat who is not always content with her captivity,
    and not getting the reinforcement, support, and narcissistic supply
    from me that he wants, Greyfox has found the focus he needed to
    followup on his reservations for some upcoming shows, resolve some
    SNAFUs there, and chase the rumor of another show that was apparently
    false.  In the process of that wild goose chase, though, he made
    some contacts that will prove useful later on, for future shows.

    Silky, Greyfox’s pretty little gray stray cat, is bulbous and to all
    appearances massively pregnant.  But it seems that she has been
    that way beyond a normal cat’s gestational period.  We’re in the
    marginal area now.  She is active and usually apparently happy,
    showing no pain, distress or abnormality, except for the big tight
    belly.  She has exhibited the expected nesting behavior.  Now
    if she’ll just deliver….

    Yesterday as we moved things in and out of his cabin, she got out
    twice.  None of us wants her finding a nesting spot somewhere in
    the woods.  Much better, we think, to have the kittens
    indoors.  The first time, she let Greyfox approach and pick her
    up.  The second time we needed to bring out some smelly canned
    food and lure her close enough to grab.  At one point, she climbed
    the high bank at the railroad right of way behind the row of cabins and
    looked off through the brush as if seeking something on the
    horizon.  Then she came sniffing back, checking out smells under a
    neighbor’s camper and under Greyfox’s cabin.  Finally, I got her
    attention and aroused her curiosity by clanking around in a box of
    discarded pots and pans and she came over and found the food dish I’d
    set beside the box.

    One of the things we did yesterday was get Greyfox a bigger, better
    microwave oven, a great thrift shop find at ten dollars.  The one
    he had been using was supplied by the landlord and chosen because it
    had been light enough for Greyfox to carry.  He’s not supposed to
    lift over 25 pounds.  With me to carry it to the car and then into
    the cabin, he was finally able to get a more powerful one.  Even
    better, it has digital controls so he can more accurately set the
    timing.  Those little round dial-type timers are devilishly hard
    to set.  I also found a shoe rack for the floor of my closet and
    two big baskets.  One of them is now full of the squash I bought
    yesterday (making a total of seven baskets of winter squash for our
    enjoyment and nutrition), and the other holds the bananas and
    grapefruit I bought. 

    We had an interesting encounter in the produce department with a fellow
    gourmet.  We were looking around for the asparagus advertised in
    the newspaper, when he approached the store employee waving a
    sad-looking bunch of wilted asparagus and asking if that was all he
    had.  The produce man told him that the truck had been delayed,
    and the ensuing conversation revealed that there’s a bridge out
    somewhere and a lot of freight backed up.  I asked the guy if he
    could tell us when it might be there.  He said maybe later and
    maybe not until today, and suggested we get a rain check.  Then,
    as the customer was walking away, he patted one of my squash, either
    the blue kuri or one of the uchiki kuri, and said, “Someone has good
    taste in squash.”  Uhm hmm!  They’re the best.

    The drive home last night was freaky.  Someone right behind me a
    lot of the way, with high beams in my mirrors.  Weirdly, through a
    couple of areas with passing lanes, he dropped back, then came up and
    tailgated me again when we got into no-passing zones.  Wind was
    blowing leaves and other stuff too big to be leaves across the highway,
    and when I got close to home the temperature got to below
    freezing.  The long straight low stretch across the muskeg near
    the spring a couple of miles from here was covered with black
    ice.  When I was coming in through this subdivision, I encountered
    an SUV driving without lights.  I crunched into the house on
    crusty snow that had been the wet slush I’d slogged through on my way
    out.  Right now, there’s a pink tinge to the dim light coming in
    from this morning’s sunrise, and I see some fresh flakes falling. 
    I have things to do.  Now if I only had the energy, strength and
    coordination to do them….

Comments (7)

  • Xanga-gram.  Looks like another day off, it’s snowing now, paper says it’ll be snowing all over the place.  I’ll call Gun Runners when I’m done here, then let it go.  It is supposed to be decent this weekend.

    And only a few more days of political ads.  I’ll come up Tuesday to vote–never did hear back from that absentee ballot deal.  Probably get my knives then, too.  I called the PO this morning, Jackie said not to call again.  They had been cutting me some slack previously, official PO policy says not to do that.  Dunno why they  decided to stop going above and beyond.

    No other news , except that stuff is hurting less and working better this morning, probably as a direct result of not working so much lately.  I’m not doing anything else differently.

    Take care, take your meds, and mind your blood sugar.  Talk to you tonight.

    Oh, and the asparagus — looked to me like you could freeze them, use the suckers for tent stakes.

  • Glad the trip wasn’t too much for you.

  • The lunar has brought a lot of raw energy into me.  My mind is very clear although I seem to be more into work projects than packing for my upcoming trip (be it brief) for NC and doing things that need to be done around the house.  You seemed to have found joy in  your trip into town and that’s a beautiful thing.  I hope you’ll find your stride again soon.

  • Funny, the moon has me going a little wonky this time around too.  Ok, maybe just moreso than usual.

    One of my least favorite things is tailgaters in lousy weather.  Especially when they’re SUVs, pick ups, or anything else larger than my Neon.

  • poolboy’s car has a neat deal where the rearview automatically dims cars approaching from behind.  now if they can just do the same on side mirrors (on reasonably priced cars…i’m sure high dollar cars have them), i’d be set.  my night vision is sucky enough without the added woe of bright lighters and/or suv’s.

    i’m glad your meeting/road trip/sharing time went well.

  • and for some reason i’ve been compelled to come back here and add…
    i’m glad your fellow shopper just patted your squash and not your melons

  • LMFAO @ LuckyStars! 

    How the hell did I miss 4 pages of blogs?  Wasn’t I just here yesterday?  sheesh

    I’ve been extremely emotional during this past full moon cycle, more than usual…..by that I mean that I’m obviously EMOTIONAL but not so tearful all the gd time.

    Now I’m curious about your favorite squash recipes or if you just bake them like I do.  I don’t know any of the more exotic sounding varieties though…really, it’s a sin, being a prairie girl and I wouldn’t know a “winter squash” vs a “anything else” squash if I tripped over one!!  I know acorn, spaghetti….um…..okay, maybe that’s it…

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