August 31, 2003

• I’m swimming upstream.

  
  

  Or maybe today what I feel is like a fish out of water.  I’m floundering, anyhow.  I don’t know how much of it might be Mercury retrograde and how much is simply being out of my element… for all I know it could just be the usual Microsoft snafus.

  
  

  Greyfox and I registered a new domain and have started working up content for a site on addiction and recovery.  Not any one addiction, not just substance addictions, but everything including substances and processes.  We find common threads between all addictions, whether to drugs, foods, sex, shopping, stealing–you name it, if it’s an addiction, it’s an addiction.

  
  

  I got lost right at the start, trying to use a new website creating program I’ve not used before.  Couldn’t find the FTP address I needed to send my files to.  I waited a couple of days, went to town, came back, tried again.  I hesitated to “create a support ticket” because they only allow me four of those each month and I figured it was something simple that Doug would be able to  help me with, and I might run into more complicated problems down the line.

  
  

  I still think I was probably right about that, but I had no idea what getting Doug’s help was going to cost me.  Damn!  I’m starting to weep here now just remembering it.  He was at the computer playing a game and I said when he got ready to quit before going to bed I’d like him to help me with the FTP problem I was  having.

  
  

  He said, “What’s the problem?  It’s just drag and drop.”

  
  

  Yeah, I know, he showed me how before, months ago.  But I had folders to drag from and folders to drag to, that time.  This time, I just said I was having a problem figuring out where to drag it to and just wanted some help.  I knew I only had one ragged edge of his attention anyway and figured that once he quit the game I would have his full attention and could explain.

  
  

  He played an hour or two more, then he got up, I sat down here and brought up the HELM file manager and he started yelling at me.  After the storm died down, and I was sitting here in tears just as I am again right now, we established that his anger stemmed from his thinking that I knew the FTP address.  Never mind that I told him several times that I didn’t know “where to send it” or “the address” or “what to drag it TO”.  He thought I was just being stupid and obtuse, I guess.  He kept saying drag it into the folder and I kept asking what folder.

  
  

  That was frustrating enough, but after we worked it out and he found the addy for me (and thank all the gods that he was here, because I don’t think I’d ever have found it by myself and I fervently wish I’d paid closer attention or he’d gone slower when he reached over and grabbed the mouse and did it for me, so I’d have some clue if I ever need to do that again), when he went to bed, things got worse.

  
  

  I wrote a few lines of simple html with the site name and a little “under construction” blurb and our email addy.  I saved it and dragged it over and dropped it into the folder Doug had found for me.  Then I tried to see how it looked.  I typed in our URL and got a 403 error:  “forbidden”.  I am denied access to my own website, apparently.  Or Mercury is screwing up the internet AGAIN, or something.

  
  

  Anyway, I’m glad I got that out of my system here.  I guess what I’ve been needing was a good cry.  I suppose I am way too good at spilling my guts without spilling any tears.  They like that in meetings, when I can talk about all the dirty little secrets and big traumas in my life and they can identify and laugh with me without any of that disconcerting discomfort when someone starts crying.

  
  

  I seldom cry, don’t feel much like crying very often any more.  Most days I’m pretty happy, but today is an exception.  If I were not a decade or so past menopause, I’d be thinking it was that time of the month.  Well, there’s one blessing to count.  ONE–count ‘em!  ONE!!  aahaha!  Hmmm… lessee….

  
  

  Aw, gee, if I get into that list, I’ll be here all day.  That won’t do, because I need to get cleaned up, dress for town and hit the road.  My sweetie is expecting me.  Seeya.

  
  

  

  • 6:53 pm
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