June 23, 2003
-
Expectations
I wondered when this would happen. I suppose I expected it to happen. I had little doubt that it would happen. When I started posting regularly on my second Xanga site, I thought I’d try to do one thing here and something different there, but I was pretty sure the time would come when I’d be uncertain which site would be the “right” place to post something. I have cross-posted before and I expect to be doing it again. This blog will probably end up being the first draft for a FAQ on expectations at KaiOaty’s place. God knows, many of my clients over the years have tripped themselves up with expectations, and they are still doing it, as am I.
My mind has run in circles for at least half a century over questions and issues surrounding expectations. As a kid I thought I was SO smart whenever I “knew” ahead of time that something would happen, especially when some adult told me it wouldn’t. Then, sometime in elementary school, I encountered the concept of the self-fulfilling prophecy. That muddied those waters, blunted some of my joy when my expectations worked out, and gave my mind a new set of circles to run in.
I have, on occasions throughout my life, done myself and others psychological harm through unreasonable expectations. I’m embarrassed to admit this, but I used to believe that people would do what they told me they would do. I’ll put the blame for that on my parents, because they were sticklers for keeping promises. Then, about half my lifetime ago, in therapy, I learned two things that have made life much less traumatic for me and for those whose lifepaths cross mine: I must NOT expect others to keep their promises to me, and I must neither make a promise I cannot or don’t intend to keep, nor break any promises I make.
I balked at first at the transparent injustice in this, but eventually acceded to the logic, for reasons of spiritual and psychological self-preservation. Buying the logic does not automatically immunize me from mistaken expectations and consequent disappointment, but it helps, and I am getting better at not-expecting.
As a rule of thumb, a principle to live by, that works for me and serves me well. The biggest everyday problem I have with it is remembering to mind my speech and not carelessly make some casual commitment I may not remember to keep. The most troubling and traumatic aspect of my attempts to adhere to that principle is the matter of mutual vows. When two people make promises to each other and the other one breaks his vows to me, am I still bound by mine? It’s a poser, a peach of a plum of a problem for philosophical debate.
Woohoo! Wee digression here: Greyfox just came in from town, which would be cause for minor celebration all by itself, but that’s not why I’m hootin’ and hollerin’ and laughing my ass off. He brought with him two NEW hilariously self-referential satirical episodes of the continuing Adventures of Melody Andrewsdottir, Lady Shaperson to the Rich and Fatuous, or whatever the hell that title has morphed into over the years. (*Thank you Kabuki, Riott, Spinsky, roadrunner and everyone who expressed appreciation and motivated him to write on.*) (Click here for episode 1, if you’ve not read it.)
I could, of course, just jump ahead and start posting the new stuff, but where’s the fun in that? I’m planning to step up the posting of past episodes to several a week now, whenever I have the spare time and think of it or someone pleads with me for more Melody, but don’t get your expectations up. I’ve got a lot of other work to do, too.
And there is the matter of lacunae: I still have not found some of the last of the previous sequence of episodes, the ones that came after I last updated the archives. One of those missing ones, in which he satirized ME, as Dingo Juju, I’d just as leif leave lost, if truth be told. But Dingo Juju and her son Vomiting Vole (known online as retrogradejaculation23) appear in the new ones, so I won’t escape unscathed no matter what.
Expectations:
We are hard-wired to form them, based on past experience. A reality in which the unexpected always happens would be too weird for words. One in which the unexpected never happens would be equally weird.
The tricky part lies in judging which expectations are reasonable and which are not. There are possibly fewer pitfalls in laying expectations on oneself than in laying them on others, unless of course one is some nutso histrionic narcissist or something and the hypothetical others are more stable personalities.
The truth is, one simply never knows when chaos will jump up and disrupt one’s orderly expectations. We have a Tarot card for that very concept: the Lightning-Struck Tower. I like the fact that Chaos Theory was built into the ancient oracular system. Those old Sages and Senseis knew their beans, didn’t they?
I also like the fact that there is no Tower card in the New Tarot for the Aquarian Age. It has been replaced by the Citadel, which symbolizes the progression upward through the Chakras toward ultimate transcendence. Chaos has been given a place in each card, which I feel more closely reflects how things are in reality. Wherever you are, you just never know what comes next. You may be able to perceive the distant mountaintop, and you may have faith that you will reach it, but you never know what lies just ahead on your path. Now, if I can just remember that….
Comments (7)
Hi,
For me, I do not have expectations. I just let things Unfold as they may. But in some cases, I Learn to Trust. And Trust has a certain element of Expectation. But this is something I Learn over a long period of Time. For me, if there is Trust in a relationship, it makes a Friendship stronger.
But these thoughts are always in the process of Changing
.
Rich
Just because there may be a few obstacles on the path doesn’t mean that the end result or outcome is exactly how one perceives it will be.
Well at least that’s how it happens in my prophetic dreams, anyway.
graywolf really does have quite the talent for writing. I hope he remembers that and continues to do so.
Excellent blog. It’s important to make that connection between the natural pattern-seeking tendancies we have and the expectations we subsequently form of the world around us. And the struggle, apparently, is to let that patterning flourish while keeping our expectations leaning a bit towards the end of the cynic. Or at least that’s how I’ve been trying to do it.
I’m always curious about how much of my sensing when things are coming is down to just perceiving patterns better than most, and how much is something else…
As you know, I’ve been having my own struggle with expectations and attempting to transcend them. Your very “matter of fact” suggestion, ie. don’t expect promises to be kept but keep them yourself, is, as you say…..the HEIGHT of injustice…but hey, who ever said life was fair, eh? It’s a good piece of advice and, in any event, those of us who were strong in our integrity and kept our promises, did so anyway while enduring the hurt of disappointments from others, so really….in my opinion, doing it “your way” doesn’t in any way change the outcome, just the feelings about it. Thanks Kathy
I understand what you are saying, however it still bites sometimes, you know? lolol