May 16, 2003
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What a week!
I think it was Tuesday that Greyfox came dragging in from his workday in Talkeetna. The tone of his greeting told me something was wrong, so I skipped the usual, “How did it go,” or “How was your day?” I just said, “what happened?” He silently handed me a folded piece of paper and trudged back toward his room. It was a warning citation for a violation of the new zoning ordinance.
Knowing that these work-related and financial upsets put him at risk for falling off the wagon, and that my addressing the addiction issue directly tends to make him feel embattled and threatened, I took an indirect tack. Over the next day or three, I talked a lot about how I was feeling, how hard it has been lately to maintain my own abstinence.
It has been very hard. Doug baked pecan fudge brownies yesterday. Greyfox has two half-cases of CocaCola parked in the hall outside his bedroom door, where I pass them a dozen times or more a day. I may have eaten more tortilla chips than I really needed to maintain life, but I didn’t binge, didn’t get into the sugar. I’ve been sugar-free long enough now that I can taste the natural sweetness of my gluten-free breakfast cereal. Sugar has been the easiest thing to kick this time around. Caffeine and capsaicin are turning out to be the hard ones, the things I’m still eating regularly that I’d be better off without… maybe.
I had a clinic appointment today. My provider, a physician’s assistant (no doctors in this end of the valley) was impressed at my weight loss, even though my blood pressure was high. She showed a bit of alarm when I told her I hadn’t been trying to lose weight. She felt better when I explained about kicking the sugar, gluten and casein. What really bothered her was my telling her I had tapered off the asthma meds and had been without any of them for four days.
She stammered a bit, started a couple of questions and stopped herself. Then she excused herself, said she needed a moment to formulate the right question, and then came out with it: “Why did you decided to taper off the meds?”
“Because I didn’t think it would be good to quit all at once.” I answered.
“Well… yes,” she said, “you shouldn’t quit suddenly.” “…But, why did you feel you should quit taking your meds?”
“I don’t want to be taking drugs I don’t need and can’t afford. I’m breathing okay now, since that cold has gotten better.”
She went through her spiel about these new long-acting, “preventive” leucotriene receptor antagonist drugs (though she didn’t use the big words), needing to be taken over a period of time, that they were ineffective for acute use–but she was still trying to avoid using medical terminology. I don’t recall exactly what she did say. I was translating it in my head as she went.
I didn’t want to embarrass her, but I really couldn’t avoid using some big words when I explained that I am not sure I have ever had “classic” asthma. I said that dyspnea is common in myalgic encephalomyelitis / chronic fatigue immunodysfunction syndrome. I told her that mine had once been in remission for several years during my forties, and that I now feel it is in remission again. I repeated that I have been breathing just fine since that cold eased up.
I told her it was a bad cold, and that I had temporarily returned to full dosages of all but the steroidal inhaler for a few days during the worst of the cold. She asked me if I got through the cold without antibiotics. I smiled at her and said that antibiotics are no good against viruses. As she started to stammer out something about bacteria (I know she was headed toward the “opportunistic infection” explanation.) I saw something light up in her eyes, and knew she had finally remembered just which one of her crazy patients this one is.
We laughed together for a moment, and she said, “You’d come in if you needed to wouldn’t you?”
I answered, “Yes, and I know my immune system pretty well.”
When I told her about the problems I’ve been having kicking the caffeine and capsaicin, she said that both have been used to treat asthma, before they had all the unnatural drugs they have now. I talked a little bit about the way I crave the coffee and salsa as soon as I wake up in the morning, and how tight and hot my chest feels until I’ve had those morning meds. I think she has resigned herself to my self-medication. She really has little choice in the matter.
Astrologically, this week has kicked my ass in interesting ways. It hasn’t really FELT good, but it has brought me insights and deep personal change that feels great in retrospect. The Sun and the Lunar Eclipse, backward running Mercury, Neptune’s retro station and its conjunction with Mars, all made aspects with that wild curse-blessing pattern in my natal chart. I do love intensity, always appreciate it fully just as soon as I get my bearings after one of these phases hits me.
I’m affirming improved health. I won’t be sick! Illness is just about the only thing that could keep me from doing what I need to do on this benighted planet, so I WON’T HAVE IT!! I don’t have it. It may take more concentration and effort to move these myalgic muscles than it once did, but I can do it. I can take deep, full breaths without wheezing or coughing (first time for that today, since I caught the cold from Seph last month). For as long as “cure” or “healing” eludes me, “remission” will be enough. I can work with this.
Comments (5)
Glad to hear you’re feeling well.
It’s amazing to me that someone in a customer service field (a doctor) doesn’t realize that you have to speak to where your patient is, their level of understanding, as well as know what you’re doing!
As long as you promise to go see her if you’re not feeling well, I won’t fuss. (And, in answer to your question a while back…actually, I don’t think I showed one ounce of mothering instinct as a child. No dolls except Barbie and one “school girl” doll. I played Batman and Robin and Green Hornet. And built weather stations with the boy down the street. And made imaginary space ships out of saw horses and wool blankets…in the Kansas summers?…not as bright as I seemed. I think the mothering thing came over me when I first held Sarah in my arms. It stunned me. I would’ve ripped the arms off anyone who tried to harm her. And still would. Now I just spread it around…I guess you could call me a real mother…just don’t do it where I can hear ya.)
Damn, I wish I could explain things as well as you do, to medical practitioners….I’d thought I hit a good point when my beloved GP was at least open-minded about Candida/Gluten…etc, but too soon after, she had to resign. The new doctor is from a school of thought that does not believe in Candida overgrowth (thinks that just means vaginal yeast infection) and neither does my psychiatrist (citing that it has no scientific basis)….and I was also tempted to tear the head right off a Registered Dietition/Nutritionist who facilitated a class that I attended this week when I asked about her knowledge of Candida and she proceeded to (in a group of predominantly male addicts) give me some sage advice about avoiding yeast infections……grrrrr. In any case, dunno what my point was, other than blogging in your comments box…..I guess I just don’t understand why the body of research and knowledge that has been collected about these bio-chemical connections are not “scientific” enough for the majority of medical practitioners….sigh…….glad you are feeling better from your cold, though.
I just want to tell you that – hey, us “normal folk” aren’t – well, we aren’t docs, but we know US and that’s something they can never experience. Please, keep up the good work, letting them know that most time of not, we DO know best. I am inspired by your – well, you.
Blue~