October 12, 2002
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I did nothing at all today toward getting my meds together. The flats of bottles are still where I stowed them behind my bed last night. I can explain that. (Pardon me, that last is a bit of an in-joke.)
I could be defensive and say it was Greyfox’s birthday and I joined him in an all-day video fest instead of “working”. I’m not saying that because it isn’t true. He’s in his chair at the foot of my bed watching movies, and I could be on the bed putting pills into little bottles, right behind him.
I spent my day on the other side of the room, at the PS2, playing Ehrgeiz, on quest mode, a no-brainer with a minimum of finger work. I zoned out and procrastinated, willfully with premeditation. Such behavior might go unremarked in a different household. Not here; we are not just addicts around here, we are professional addicts. I worked with street people at a free clinic, many of whom were addicts.
I studied addiction, as did Greyfox who had a career at the policy-making level in state government, in drug and alcohol programs. He started his own chapter of SOS, Secular Organizations for Sobriety… but of course he was drunk at the time. If anyone knows addictive behavior, we do. What I see when I look at myself right now is a woman dragging her feet on the way to detox.
Not until that birthday cake and ice cream are gone and the family is back from this little holiday and into our more ordinary pursuits, am I going to try again to get serious about this new health kick. If I were to doubt my seriousness (and I do question my motives all the time; if I don’t, who will… they’re all scared of me and in awe of my brilliance and powers of persuasion), I can be reassured by the fact that this is the first time I’ve announced an impending detox. I usually spring them on my buds as a fait accompli. I’m making commitments and setting up expectations here.
Meanwhile, today a very odd phenomenon has been distracting me. That’s another thing I could use if I wanted to tap dance with weasel words and rationalize today’s lapse. But it’s unrelated, so I only relate it as an oddity. It’s this weird smell-thing, like perfume, all day. My first flash was that it’s an olfactory hallucination. I get them about as often as I actually perceive real smells. Anosmia: dysfunctional nose. But when it works my sense of smell is keen.
What I smelled early today was a scent that could be a masculine cologne, mostly ambergris and citrus. Later in the day, I got a heavy scent of rotting gardenias. I got the impression after a while that someone was trying to communicate with me through scent. Nutty thought but each different scent really did carry some complex impressions. I’m seeing two people. Intend to explore this more tonight.
Thanks for hanging around as I spill my guts and a few brain farts, guys. Now to make this therapy group work, you need to give me feedback that supports my detox and healing, not my procrastinating and indulgence. Wanna play group therapy with me?
Comments (8)
Two days ago I was in my room and was hit HEAVILY with the scent of rotting carnations. Or what I assume was carnations because it was so strong that I actually verbalized to no one in particular, “Smells like a friggin’ funeral parlour in here!”
That’s what it reminded me of. A funeral parlour. I keep getting the scent off and on, but not nearly as strong as that first hit.
Wonder if it’s the same entity? Or thing? Or …
And OF Course I’m up for group therapy.
~takes a deep breath~
You said: “I’m making commitments and setting up expectations here”
May I remind you that expectations will get cha every time? Stick with the commitment Kathy, dump the expectations.
Well. I was wearing lavendar today…so don’t look at me.
What a great idea…winter, the dying season, when you can rid yourself of addictions leading to spring, the birthing season, when your new self can come alive again…I like it…maybe you’ll even encourage me to give up my demon, cigarettes! Spot
Don’t worry, Sarah, the expectations I’m setting up are in my (unwary) readers. I know better than to have those useless things. My commitment is firm as jello and as lasting as a dandelion puff, but I’m committed right at this moment to getting straight later. I sound so much like an addict it’s nauseating. This is crap I’m used to getting from others. That I’m being up-front with it myself might be progress.
…all we can ever do is put one foot in front of the other…..sometimes our step is firm and sure and at others it’s a bit wobbly, but the important thing is that it is made. That’s how I see what you’re doing right now….mentally making steps….as we all know, our minds ultimately control the rest of us…..so this is a good step in the direction you know you have to go…
Thanks, Ren. That’s the kind of feedback I need. I’m gonna do this, but it looks like I won’t have to do it all alone.
You are not alone….there are people who love you who can reach thru the cosmos and touch you with that love…..isn’t that SO the beauty of our gifts? I’m with you girlie…..for what that’s worth…..I guess it’s worth whatcha paid for it……Heh
But I am here….I’m on my own journey and don’t always comment, but I AM here, for you. 
My love moves mountains. If I could only learn to direct that energy onto myself I’d be good to go. I give you my energy tonight. Take it and use it……for YOU