July 18, 2002
-
I’ve said it before, but this bears repeating: I love you guys! I want to thank every one of you who has unwittingly allowed him- or herself to be roped into my little therapy group here. It is highly therapeutic for me, spilling my guts as I have been. If it is to be as therapeutic for you, you’ll just have to work at that, too. You can count on me for feedback when you do.
Yesterday’s blog was about the work of writing. My entire experience here at Xanga was meant to be about Work on Self. At the top of the page, it says, “Welcome to my Work.” E. J. Gold and his associate General Xxaxx have, during the past decade and a half, been instrumental in expediting my Work and giving me a new conceptual framework for it and words with which to talk about it. That phrase, “Work on Self,” comes straight out of E. J.’s writings.
Even before I read E. J.’s books, which include Practical Work on Self and The Human Biological Machine as a Transformational Apparatus, I had become familiar with the usage of “work” to refer to what we did in group therapy: spilling our guts and analyzing the contents. It was E. J. who capitalized Work for me and revealed to me the spiritual benefits in psychological Work. I didn’t make those names and book titles above into links merely for your convenience. Those links are pointed hints, and possibly the finest gift it is in my power to give you.
I infer from comments that my pauses between stories to analyze and summarize my state of mind at the time are confusing to some of you. I thought I was making clear through my use of past-tense verbs that I was referring to what I felt back then. Let me assure you that my self-esteem currently is in very good shape.
I wish my body was in such good shape. I wish there was some competitive event I could enter and win prizes with my self-esteem. I have, as a guiding principle of my life, this maxim: “Do nothing to damage your self-esteem.” I also have many years of experiential learning to show me what not to do. Even Coyote learns from his mistakes.
However, thirty to forty years ago, I had more ego than real self-respect. I had a hard veneer of denial and compensatory bullshit to cover up my damaged self-esteem. When my second marriage broke up and my third child was gone from my arms, I had my ego to keep myself propped up. I pretended that all that mattered was that I had the intellect to think rings around everyone around me, and the visual and pheromonal attractiveness to get a new man each time the latest one dumped me.
Perhaps if it hadn’t been for that intellect I would have really believed my own bullshit. I don’t know. But I do know that occasionally I would get a glimmering of insight and see myself more or less as I really was: neurotic, wounded, foolish, irresponsible, and dishonest. Those moments were painful, and I usually dealt with them by going out to get a drink and try to pick up a man. Men were really good for my ego, most of the time, until they got to know me.
Jim is probably still waiting for “biker stories”, and maybe some of the rest of you are, too. We’re getting close now. The episode I’ve been writing and rewriting for the last few days is the last before the one in which I go to my first Hells Angels party. It might come out as one long blog, or two shorter ones. It isn’t done yet. I keep recalling more details, and since this is, at its core, an exercise in self-examination for me, and not purely entertainment for you, I want to get it all down.
Bear with me… or not. It’s your choice. I’m the only one of us who’s in this for the long haul. If you choose to stay with me in here, thanks. Just don’t forget, I need your feedback to keep me honest. If anything sounds like bulllshit, jump on it, please. The ego isn’t dead yet.
Comments (11)
As odd as this might sound, you remind me an amazing amount of my mother. You and she have a lot in common, at least from what I can see. I am really glad you are sharing these parts of your life and I am really glad you are honest about them. Even though this is your journey I am really learning some things that are helping me in my own.
I love the Work you are doing here. Not only is it well written, it’s great storytelling. You show an immense strength of character and it is a joy to be able to read about you. I am looking for the strength in myself to open up as completely has you have on my own blog.
Just so you know my surfing habits on your blog, I check in every few days, find where I left off reading, then catch up. I don’t read everything in detail – but sometimes something just jumps out and I read it slowly. I usually need to digest. Then I’ll jump forward again. I’ve also had some fun just finding a few random paragraphs and spending time with them. I hope you’re keeping all of this in a downloadable form somewhere … I could see printing it all out and reading it in bed instead of just on screen.
I really like the “bookmarks” on the left hand side that I can use to navigate to various stories. I also like the new picture I saw today!
Thanks for all the time & effort you put into your blog. It’s the first one I’ve truly gotten hooked on – how soon until we see “Bloggers Anonymous” ;-0 Jim
I’m new to your work but I’ve become riveted be it. To continue growth and realization of your life is so rare that I almost find you supernatural. Please continue.
This is personal, however, I choose to place it into comments and not in email. If you have any inclination to share it further, you know where to find me. Almost from the beginning of reading you, from your first comment on my site, I felt that we had some kindred spirit that drove it. I described you to my best friend in real life as my surrogate mother and that is how I feel you, although I also feel that we are equals in other ways…..never stop being YOU…..that is your gift to the Universe.
Ren
What I think is important is that I see you speaking for a lot of people while you tell us your history. More specifically, girl-people. The whole issue of self-esteem and/or the lack thereof has, in my way of thinking, done more damage to us over the years than anything else. And, no matter what we tell our daughters, it seems to be a perpetual ball and chain that we’re all born with.
Anyway, I appreciate the fact that you’re sharing it, sometimes it’s nice to know that mistakes aren’t singularly ours. And, I can be patient while you think of how you best want to relate the rest of the stories.
By the way…it’s question day! Stop by if you want in on the action! (haha!)
Okay now. This is what you are to me. I can’t profess to know you well yet; but that fact seems to have no bearing on how much I genuinely like you. Your blogs have been stories for me that I can identify with deeply on some levels. They are always entertaining, sad, funny, and seem to have an energy to touch others in ways we don’t know how to describe aloud. You most definetly have a gift. A gift that you share openly. I was drawn magnetically to your words and to you…knowing there is someone out there who shares similar views/experiences is worth it’s weight in gold. I am drawn to, and intimidated by, your frank and open honesty. I am in awe of how you drew me into the circle, no questions asked. Your advice..your stories…how important they have been to me. I cannot understand how I, a person terrified of “internet weirdos”, had the courage to try and get to know you. You draw people…it’s as simple as that. I cannot wait to get the rest of your story. I have turned to you for advice and you gave it to me in abundance. I have read your stories, and let them be a muse for me, to write my own. I have seen your words, and been comforted and terrified, saddened and enlightened all at once. You ARE a storyteller. And I am sitting here by the fire, listening.
I’ll be here.
Good picture of you.
It’s really great to go back and rediscover yourself. Enjoying your writing!
I’ll be here. Your astonishing courage and willingness to analyze yourself are inspiring me to gather courage and memories. Then to get them coherently blogged…