June 11, 2002
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Something extraordinary happened last night. Extraordinary?!? No, it was unprecedented in my experience. I’m going to tell about it, but first, if you liked my rock blogs and pics of rocks, then go to Rowan’s life and read the MALACHITE blog. Just read the following before you go, or be sure to come back here for my extraordinary story and the answer to this question from ShyeWolf.
This might be a terribly simple question, but isn’t every person with a talent obsessive? I can’t imagine you would be good at writing were you not. It’s almost as if a problem is necessary to feed the outcome. I base this statement on my knowledge of history in art to some degree. Tell me if you can find any artists gone past that did not have an obsession. Tell if you can find any today without same, for that matter, but what the solution is, I am at a loss to say.
Truly, as I think of the great ones I’ve known and known of, they all had that ability to focus with singular intensity. “…a problem… necessary to feed the outcome.” This reminds me of a well-known Alaskan psychic who believed that his heavy smoking and chronic illness were necessary to his psychic talent. Whether he was correct or not, surely the belief would be self-fulfilling anyway. For me, bent, warped and twisted is an okay way to be and I’ve never met anyone without a few warps. The really interesting ones have more than their share. For a few misguided moments in childhood, I longed to be normal. Fortunately, my father convinced me that there are better ways to be.
The unprecedented event here last night was a conversation between me and the old fart. Xanga precipitated it. I was finishing up some additions to my custom module as he walked by. I said, “Wanna see my award?” He looked over my shoulder and saw the “Hot Stuff” award, and read some of the text wrapped around it. He asked if that was my work, those words. I admitted that it was, and let him read the blog. He went on his way and I finished what I was doing and left the machine to the kid for the night. (He lets me use his computer while he sleeps.)
Later the old fart came and sat down with me and started a conversation about my addiction ambivalence dilemma. This man hates meaningful and intimate talk. I gave up years ago trying to talk my problems out with him. He always got scared and scary when I did. When his behavior brings me to the point where it is either talk to him or set him on fire, to avoid the necessity of fox flambè, I’ll confront the behavior. But I know better than to try crying on his shoulder or asking his advice. He seems to need to preserve the illusion that I am omniscient and invincible.
But I joined in with pleasure last night, and we talked about it all for the first time at any length or depth. He asked searching questions. He drew me out. [Who is this man and what has he done with my Greyfox?] I shared some of my insights and we agreed that insight doesn’t automatically lead to solutions. I told him that the biggest obstacle for me in getting back onto the boring, restrictive, horrible, healthy diet was my resentment. He raised his eyebrows questioningly.
I explained that for the two months that I managed to stay on that diet last year, it took all my obsessive focus. I was not free to bounce from one point of interest to the next interesting thing that crossed my path. I could neither write, nor study, nor do any better than twist up a few worthless pieces of uninspired jewelry. He recalled that there wasn’t any inspired cookery during that time, either.
All I was good for that whole two months was playing games. Nothing challenging mind you, just mindless pastimes that wouldn’t distract me from my intention to avoid the addictive foods. My life came down to making sure I ate enough but not too much of all the right foods and none of the wrong ones, and that I did it often enough so that my blood sugar didn’t drop so far that I would mindlessly pop the nearest edible thing into my mouth. That’s where I was when, in the aftermath of 9/11 (his eyebrows rose again at the timing–he hadn’t noticed), with a Pizza Hut commercial on TV, I said, “pizza” when he asked as he went out if he should pick up anything.
Both of my guys were happy when I was back in the kitchen again, concocting special goodies. I felt liberated. I ordered a bunch of books from Inter-Library Loan and got deeper into my research. I created a great little tag explaining the origin of my “blue bear” line of jewelry… I soared. Usually, I dance through life and always have. On that diet, I plodded. Nothing else was possible. The vigilance necessary to avoid slipping was crowding out everything else. Knowing myself, it astounds me that I could hold the focus for two entire months.
There had been significant rewards on the diet. Maybe the biggest of all was that the bloat went down. My rib cage stopped feeling too tight and my pants were suddenly too loose. I gained two pounds, but who cares? I could breathe and my sense of smell came back. My appestat started working about the third week on the diet, and for once in my life I had normal feelings of hunger at just the right times. It wasn’t a miracle cure. I still had the auto-immune, chronic fatigue thing, but it just wasn’t as bad. I’ve been watching sadly this year as one by one those marks of recovery have vanished since I quit the diet.
Greyfox knows how I like to get feedback to indicate that the person I’m talking to got what I was saying. He said it sounded like, if I really was trading my creativity and all the fun in my life for better health and smaller pants, then maybe it was better to just…. He let it trail off, and I thought, “dig my grave with a fork and spoon.”
I don’t suppose this will be the end of the discussion, neither here nor here on Xanga. My daily pattern for a while now has been to eat carefully and well in the morning, then segueing (¿is that a word?) *ahem*…then doing a seguè in the PM into extinction burst excess. That’s the way I ate in high school. You might say all this has rejuvenated me. You might….
Comments (13)
hey =) yeah, we’re still together, but he’s not the one that did that to me.
Dev
If you get back on it, tell us what to do to accomplish the same results! And when you can, please show us some of your jewelry! I’d love some.
By the way, what DID he do with your beloved GreyFox?
that’s the trouble with addictive personalities and obsessive tendencies — sort of like the whole jedi system. you can use it for good or for evil. trouble is being able to tell what’s best for you, and the difference… just keep talking.
Hello – thanks for stopping by, and your comment. Yes. I would love to see some of your jewellery too…
My mom, who used to work with abused kids and many of them were compulsive and obsessive, once told me that the only way she ever really helped these kids with long ter, change was to start slowely and steadily. Change one thing at a time, no more no less. And above all be kind to yourself. Her kids had a huge amount of problems but I found that approach really rocks the house. My favorite though is the be kind to yourself part though.
Your blog reminded me greatly of a poem I wrote. It is called The Image In A Spoon and you can see it here, if you would like. -Kristy
The beauty of creative writing, Su-dear, is that you can invent words as necessary without fear of repercussion. The English language can be so bereft to explain what you mean at times, that the former is necessary.
ShyeWolf, I’d invent words with gusto if ever an original word came to me in the right moment. What I try to avoid is mangling perfectly good existent words.
Kristy, I went and read your poem. Similar thoughts flit through my head a lot. This idea of kitchen utensils as the tools of our destruction is a common theme for us food freaks.
Lola, your mom’s “one thing at a time” advice is sound. In Morita Therapy, we’re taught to decide which move or action is most important right NOW, and do it, then take the next, and so on. I feel now as if I’m at a fork in the road
and my ambivalence over which way to pursue is keeping me from taking the first step either way. Thus it follows logically, my necessary first step is to resolve this damned ambivalence. I’ll keep everyone informed if there is any progress.
SummersSong and Chastityrose, Greyfox also keeps asking for more jewelry. He sells it for me, and it adds some class to his stand. For the past six weeks or so, I’ve been channeling my creativity into words, here and in my memoirs, and even a little bit on the thriller I’m still working on after all these years. One think at a time….
Cheshired says, “just keep talking.” Try and stop me!
aah the food thing, its one I dont know if i’ll ever be totally at peace with… but i’m making progress. I eat better now than I ever have, plenty of fruit and veggies everyday. My blood pressure and heart rate are that of an athelete because I work out everyday. I feel good. I’m just overweight, about 75 lbs still. I lost about 50lbs but I’ve stalled right here… its been months since I’ve had any significant weight loss. I love bacon, I love pizza, I love french fries…. but I’m learning moderation. I’ve given up drugs, booze, smokes…. the food thing, I think I might hang on to that for my own sanity.
If moderation would work for me, I’d be in great shape. As I have blogged before, my food binges are done with moderation. No gorging or bingeing and purging, just a nasty bunch of reactions when I eat any of the foods to which I have those sensitivities. With food addictions, moderation doesn’t cut it. If I don’t abstain from all but a few fruits and vegetables, all grains, refined carbs, red meat, etc., I have all the bloat and other symptoms. The temptation to envy you “normals” is very strong, but my other abnormalities in intelligence and creativitiy, etc. offer some compensation. Apparently no one ever reads or understands it when I say I don’t diet to lose weight. That is not the issue here.
I wasnt comparing the two, sorry if I gave you that impression, I was just sharing my personal struggle. sorry.
I think I agree that people who have obsessions or addictive behaviours often have many other “good ones” that they channel energy into….and there is only so much energy that the average person has to utilize at any given moment….hmmmm…..the true mysteries behind obsessions…great blog!
I fear diabetes…