May 13, 2002
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I’m starting to view my recent squabbles with myself over the issues surrounding my addictions as a breakthrough of sorts.
It’s apparent that when I thought I was wholeheartedly in favor of health and life and all that is “good”, I was in denial about my internal conflicts.
Hedonism: the philosophy of, “If it feels good, do it,” had won my heart and mind before most Xangans had been born. Even, so, masochist that I am, I never rejected the converse: “If it hurts, don’t do it.” Some things just hurt sooo good!
You might think that with such obvious ambivalence in my personality, I wouldn’t be surprised to detect internal conflicts, wouldn’t you?
Well, I guess none of us knew me very well, did we?
Comments (3)
… begins pulling out charts and books and scrolls and makes little *tsk tsk* sounds while looking at what house is in Gemini or on the cusp of …
facing down addictions isnt easy… I sobered up not quite two years ago, the best thing I’ve ever done, even quit smoking over a year ago. Now I’m working on the food thing. I even work out fairly regularly. If you would have told me I would be doing this a few years ago, I would have choked on my cocktail and laughed in your face. I’m happy, happier, more free than I could have imagined. But its a tough choice, I almost didnt make it.
I can relate to much of this, the conflict between abstaining or using or abusing is something I’ve been dealing with lately. I know what is “good” for my body but that’s not always the whole story. Take psychedelics, no pun intended, I probably wouldn’t take them today but have no regrets about my use in the past. Although the creativity they seem to bring may be transient, I feel that in my case there were some permenent changes. Some doors and windows were opened that wouldn’t have been otherwise.
Even with things like food that are addictions in one sense, yet necessities in another. If you look at your body as a car and stress about what kind of fuel you’re using, does it run better? What if you just pump a tank of premium for the hell of it? So much of the current craze for diet, exercise, skin care, cosmetic surgery, healthy lifestyles, blah,blah,blah seems to me to be a strident and desperate scramble for youth and totally a move against aging and death. What will these people do when genetics and gravity assert their voice? Panic? Become depressed? Not me, I’m using my body to experience life and if that includes cheesecake and pot and Camel Straights, so be it.