December 17, 2010
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If you love someone, tell him so.
If you need reassurance, ask for it.
If someone’s sadness touches you, tell her that.
If you’re not seeing the trend here, not getting what I’m getting at, stay with me. I’ll try to explain.
Some of us have inhibitions around revealing our innermost feelings. We may love someone, and instead of telling her we love her, we tell her she is… beautiful, admirable, inspiring, brilliant… whatever — whatever, in our own minds, is lovable or worthy. That puts the emphasis on the object of our affections, not on the feelings we’re feeling.
From E. J. Gold, a wise and savvy man, I learned that when most people ask for help, what they really want is reassurance. When I first read that statement, I questioned it immediately. That’s not how I operate. If I ever needed reassurance, I’d seek it directly. If I ask for help, it is because I need help. But I have been observing people, and I must concur with E. J.: when most people ask for help, they don’t want real help. They want to be reassured that they’ve done the best they can or that they can do it, that they are, in fact, helpless, or that whatever it was, it wasn’t all that important anyway, or was impossible all along.
When some people see others suffering, or hear them complaining about how unfair life is, or observe them beating up on themselves for their faults and failings, they seek to build these others up by exaggerating their virtues and strengths, by attributing to them admirable characteristics that are either not present or in very scant supply, or they offer reassurance by professing love that they may not feel.
Conversely, when one does something of which another disapproves, that disapproval is only rarely expressed directly. More commonly, disapproval is expressed with sarcasm, ostracism, or other indirect means, depending on the judgment of the observer, the relative perceived status and power of observer and object, the seriousness or severity of the offense, and other, more idiosyncratic factors — anything, basically, except a flat statement of disapproval.
There are pitfalls in these tactics, for everyone involved. A false statement might be believed and acted upon as if it were true, leading to, at best, eventual disillusionment. Help asked and given is a waste of time and other resources, for all involved, and can cause all sorts of odd or uncomfortable repercussions, if help wasn’t really wanted or needed.
Love that is kept in, felt but not expressed, serves no one. However, for cultural reasons, this is a thorny and complex issue. Some kinds of “love” are forbidden between some individuals. Also, the “love” felt by person A might not be the type of feeling that person B calls, “love.” That injunction, “If you love someone, tell him so,” requires, for effective and non-destructive observance, a measure of discretion and… detail, translation, explanation. A bald statement, “I love you,” can mean anything from “thank you” to “I want to jump your bones.” Be specific, and say what you really mean. Saying, “I love you,” without using that troublesome word, “love,” can be an enjoyable and rewarding challenge.
In keeping with my enjoinder to fit one’s action to its intent, let me expand on what I was observing and thinking when I began to hatch this essay. I had been noticing people engaged in online interactions, dropping love bombs on people with whom they wanted to gain points, or for the purpose of building up others they thought needed a boost, and using sarcasm to put down some they apparently thought needed to be cut down. While there are some who do a lot of one and little or none of the other, many people use both tactics in nearly equal measure, picking up or picking on those they approve or disapprove, respectively.
All of these tactics are counterproductive. Covert (or even blatant, overt) manipulation of others is a dysfunctional style of relating. Relationships built on such foundations are dysfunctional relationships. Frequent or consistent manipulation is a red flag for personality disorders. It is a symptom of psychopathology, and it is a contagious form of craziness. In the interests of a healthier society and a saner world, if you love someone, tell her so.
Comments (5)
Nice. I was talking to a couple people recently about a related subject. People frequently come to me for help/support/etc… Usually the best thing I can do is just listen and share their human experience. That demonstrates that I care – that I love them enough to HEAR it. Anything more than that usually makes things weird. Telling them what they ought to do is not required. Many kinds of reassurances put pressure on the recipient to get better faster or some such thing. Just listening and loving people is usually enough. People know when you love them I think.
@oceanstarr - I think you’re probably right, sometimes, some people. Maybe I didn’t make my point clearly enough. I think it is important to express what we are feeling, not to “translate” our feelings into indirect comments, for example, about the other person’s worthiness, beauty, etc., or to ask for one thing when what we want or need is something different. It might take some extra courage to ask to be comforted, instead of asking for “help,” but if it does, then that’s what is needed in the moment. Thinking through what we are saying, and endeavoring to say what we mean, is an exercise in self-actualizing.
@SuSu - Of course the huge challenge is that often the people we’re communicating with simply don’t have the self-awareness, communication skills, either, or both to really say what they need or respond appropriately when one does or does not give it lol… I think you express something that needs to be expressed for certain – it’s something I think about a lot, but at the end of the day, we’re often left dancing in the dark with cripples for partners.
It’s all fun though – as long as one has the right intent, I think it works out ok in the end. We’re all more or less broken monkeys trying to figure ourselves out along the way while we think out loud too lol
Even those of us who are pretty self aware just tend to continually find new spots that need to be resolved more clearly.
i’m going to copy and paste this and read it again when i’m more alert. but was struck by the comment of telling someone they’re beautiful. not 30 mns ago it dawned on me that no one’s ever told me that. no one being no man in this instance.
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