December 13, 2010

• svwX

  Turning svwX
  upside-down
  and backwards

  My plan is to turn Santa up and see what will shake out of the jolly old elf’s capacious pockets.  With tongue lodged firmly in cheek, but in all seriousness nonetheless, here goes:

  When I started this thing in 2004, I reversed the twelve days of Christmas.  Traditionally, they start at the Mass of Christ (December 25) and last until Epiphany (January 6).  Since childhood when, like most American children, I was taught that Christmas is all about Santa, elves, reindeer, conifers hung with sparkly things, White Christmas and Jingle Bells, I had been irritated by the anti-climactic quality of leaving up the decorations and playing Xmas music on the radio after Santa Claus had already been and gone.  It was absurd then, and it gets more ridiculous with the passage of time and the development of an ever more secularly commercial xmas.

  Christmas, hereinafter occasionally abbreviated as xmas, was never truly 100% Christian, and has currently largely outgrown Christianity.  Its worldwide celebration at this time of year has had some odd side-effects.  A relatively minor Jewish holiday, Hanukkah, has gained unexpected significance in the eyes of goyim through some sort of “equal rights” or “equal time” phenomenon.  It is hardly coincidental that when Maulana Karenga created Kwanzaa during the Black Power days in 1966, he had it begin on the day after xmas.  Just as there are xians who observe xmas but never go to church, there are some neo-pagans whose only annual observances are at Yuletide, and are rather transparently set up as an anti-xmas.

  Several years ago, when I was more easily offended than I am now, I was appalled at seeing somebody refer to Christmas as, “Baby Jesus’s Birthday.”  I wanted to set the record straight, having learned from history that it was in the summer of  7 or 8 BC that the Roman census occurred that, according to legend, compelled a pregnant woman named Miriam and her husband to travel to the hometown of his adopted family (that “adopted” bit comes not from conventional history, but I accept it nonetheless, because it makes sense in context and has the ring of truth).

  Half a century ago, people generally waited until after Thanksgiving to put Christmas merchandise out in stores and string up holiday lights.  Now, they barely wait until after Halloween.  Out go the pumpkins and witches, in come the holly and mistletoe.  It’s carrying this Saturnalian bullshit too far in the interest of sales and profits, I say.  On my first day of Christmas six years ago (timed to get all twelve of them out of the way by Christmas Day–including the big day itself, of course), I started with that popular old memory-and-forfeit game in song:

  The Twelve Days of Christmas

  On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
  A partridge in a pear tree.

  On the second day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
  Two turtle doves
  and a partridge in a pear tree.

  On the third day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
  Three French hens, two turtle doves
  And a partridge in a pear tree.

  On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
  Four colly birds, three French hens, two turtle doves
  And a partridge in a pear tree.

  On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
  Five golden rings.
  Four colly birds, three French hens, two turtle doves
  And a partridge in a pear tree.

  On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
  Six geese a-laying,
  Five golden rings.
  Four colly birds, three French hens, two turtle doves
  And a partridge in a pear tree.

  On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
  Seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying,
  Five golden rings.
  Four colly birds, three French hens, two turtle doves
  And a partridge in a pear tree.

  On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
  Eight maids a-milking, seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying,
  Five golden rings.
  Four colly birds, three French hens, two turtle doves
  And a partridge in a pear tree.

  On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
  Nine ladies dancing, eight maids a-milking, seven swans a-swimming, six
  geese a-laying,
  Five golden rings.
  Four colly birds, three French hens, two turtle doves
  And a partridge in a pear tree.

  On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
  Ten lords a-leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids a-milking, seven swans
  a-swimming, six geese a-laying,
  Five golden rings.
  Four colly birds, three French hens, two turtle doves
  And a partridge in a pear tree.

  On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
  Eleven pipers piping, ten lords a-leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids
  a-milking, seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying,
  Five golden rings.
  Four colly birds, three French hens, two turtle doves And a partridge in a pear tree.

  On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
  Twelve drummers drumming,
  eleven pipers piping, ten lords a-leaping,
  nine ladies dancing, eight maids a-milking,
  seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying,
  Five golden rings.
  Four colly birds,
  three French hens,
  two turtle doves
  And a partridge in a pear tree.

  With a lot of practice, and with one’s wits about one, it’s not too hard to remember the gifts and the proper ordering of them, so there’s not much challenge to the game.  That’s where the “forfeit” part comes in.  If perchance one does flub a line, then traditionally one must take a drink, or give a kiss, or remove an article of clothing, etc. — a forfeit.  That tends to get one flustered or schnockered, and then the flubs just snowball.  It’s a fun game, played under certain circumstances, with special people.

  There is an urban legend and internet hoax circulating about the song and game, which says the song was a way for Christians or Catholics (depending upon which version of the legend one hears) to secretly pass along their teachings in times and places where their religion was prohibited.  That myth is thoroughly and exhaustively exploded at snopes.com.

  Did you notice that my version of the song above does not say, “four calling birds?”  I reverted to the original wording here.  “Colly” means “black as coal,” and refers to blackbirds.

  

  If the “five golden rings” in the song conjure in your mind an image similar to the one above, think again.  The first seven “gifts” are birds, and the last five are people engaged in various activities.  None of them is jewelry.  The “golden rings” in the song are golden ring-necked pheasants.

  

  My posting the old memory-and-forfeits song “inspired” my husband, soulmate and unindicted co-conspirator, Greyfox, to create the following:

  The Twelve Days of Christmas, redux
  (reductio ad absurdum, actually)

  I will spare you all twelve verses-
  -the last one goes as follows:
  
  On the last day of Christmas,
  my true love gave to me,
  Twelve Hummers rumbling,
  Eleven snipers sniping,
  Ten voyeurs peeping,
  Nine faggots prancing,
  Eight ‘tards a’drooling,
  Seven snowmen melting,
  Six crips a’gimping,
  Five yoyo strings!
  Four stinky turds,
  Three French whores,
  Two sur-GI-cal gloves,
  and The latest Partridge Family CD!

  [Greyfox (AKA ArmsMerchant) takes full credit, responsibility, and blame for this composition, in case there is any doubt or confusion.]
  
  
  

  ---

  A critic, for reasons at which I can only guess, left this comment in 2004: “‘and save us all from Satan’s power’ – Good King Wenceslas,” to which I felt it only fitting to reply in the following way, since the whole purpose of this series of entries has been to set the record straight:

  two song lyrics for you:
  

  

  Good King Wenceslaus

  Good King Wenceslaus looked out on the feast of Stephen.
  When the snow lay round about, deep and crisp and even.

  Brightly shone the moon that night, though the frost was cruel,
  When a poor man came in sight, gathering winter fuel.

  Hither page and stand by me if thou knowst it telling
  Yonder peasant, who is he, where and what his dwelling?

  Sire, he lives a good league hence, underneath the mountain,
  Right against the forest fence, by Saint Agnes’ fountain.

  Bring me flesh and bring me wine, bring me pinelogs hither
  Thou and I will see him dine when we bear them thither

  Page and monarch forth they went, forth they went together
  Through the rude winds wild lament, and the bitter weather.

  Sire the night is darker now, and the wind blows stronger
  Fails my heart, I know not how, I can go no longer.

  Mark my footsteps my good page, tread thou in them boldly
  Thou shalt find the winter’s rage freeze thy blood less coldly.

  In his master’s steps he trod where the snow lay dinted
  Heat was in the very sod which the saint had printed

  Therefore Christian men be sure, wealth or rank possessing,
  Ye who now will bless the poor, shall yourselves find blessing.

  God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen
  
  God rest ye merry, gentlemen,
  Let nothing you dismay,
  Remember Christ our Saviour
  Was born on Christmas Day;
  To save us all from Satan’s power
  When we were gone astray.

  O tidings of comfort and joy,
  Comfort and joy,
  O tidings of comfort and joy.

  In Bethlehem, in Jewry,
  This blessed Babe was born,
  And laid within a manger,
  Upon this blessed morn;
  To which His mother Mary
  Did nothing take in scorn.

  O tidings of comfort and joy,
  Comfort and joy,
  O tidings of comfort and joy.

  From God our Heavenly Father,
  A blessed angel came;
  And unto certain Shepherds
  Brought tidings of the same:
  How that in Bethlehem was born
  The Son of God by Name.

  O tidings of comfort and joy,
  Comfort and joy,
  O tidings of comfort and joy.

  “Fear not,” then said the angel,
  “Let nothing you afright,
  This day is born a Saviour
  Of a pure Virgin bright,
  To free all those who trust in him
  From Satan’s power and might.”

  O tidings of comfort and joy,
  Comfort and joy,
  O tidings of comfort and joy.

  The shepherds at those tidings
  Rejoiced much in mind,
  And left their flocks a-feeding,
  In tempest, storm and wind:
  And went to Bethlehem straightway
  The Son of God to find.

  O tidings of comfort and joy,
  Comfort and joy,
  O tidings of comfort and joy.

  And when they came to Bethlehem
  Where our dear Saviour lay,
  They found him in a manger,
  Where oxen feed on hay;
  His mother Mary kneeling down,
  Unto the Lord did pray:

  O tidings of comfort and joy,
  Comfort and joy,
  O tidings of comfort and joy.

  Now to the Lord sing praises,
  All you within this place,
  And with true love and brotherhood
  Each other now embrace;
  This holy tide of Christmas
  All other doth deface:

  O tidings of comfort and joy,
  Comfort and joy,
  O tidings of comfort and joy.
  
  
  

  ---

  
  

  And if you like the Christmas memory game, here’s one that’s even more challenging.
  Save it for the New Year’s Eve party.

  One hen.
  One hen, two ducks.
  One hen, two ducks, three squawking geese.
  One hen, two ducks, three squawking geese, four Limerick oysters.
  One hen, two ducks, three squawking geese, four Limerick oysters, five corpulent porpoises.
  One hen, two ducks, three squawking geese, four Limerick oysters, five corpulent porpoises, six pairs of Don Alfonso’s tweezers.

  One hen, two ducks, three squawking geese, four Limerick oysters, five corpulent porpoises, six pairs of Don Alfonso’s tweezers, seven thousand Macedonian warriors in full battle array.

  One hen, two ducks, three squawking geese, four Limerick oysters, five corpulent porpoises, six pairs of Don Alfonso’s tweezers, seven thousand Macedonian warriors in full battle array, eight brass monkeys from the ancient, sacred crypts of Egypt.

  One hen, two ducks, three squawking geese, four Limerick oysters, five corpulent porpoises, six pairs of Don Alfonso’s tweezers, seven thousand Macedonian warriors in full battle array, eight brass monkeys from the ancient, sacred crypts of Egypt, nine sympathetic, apathetic, diabetic old men on roller skates with a profound propensity toward procrastination and sloth.

  One hen, two ducks, three squawking geese, four Limerick oysters, five corpulent porpoises, six pairs of Don Alfonso’s tweezers, seven thousand Macedonian warriors in full battle array, eight brass monkeys from the ancient, sacred crypts of Egypt, nine sympathetic, apathetic, diabetic old men on roller skates with a profound propensity toward procrastination and sloth, ten lyrical, spherical, diabolical denizens of the deep, who haul stones in and around the quarries of the Queasy of Key, all at the very same time.

  One hen, two ducks, three squawking geese, four Limerick oysters, five corpulent porpoises, six pairs of Don Alfonso’s tweezers, seven thousand Macedonian warriors in full battle array, eight brass monkeys from the ancient, sacred crypts of Egypt, nine sympathetic, apathetic, diabetic old men on roller skates with a profound propensity toward procrastination and sloth, ten lyrical, spherical, diabolical denizens of the deep, who haul stones in and around the quarries of the Queasy of Key, all at the very same time, eleven neutramatic synsthesizing systems owned by the seriously cybernetic marketing division shipped via relativistic space flight through the draconian sector seven.

  

  This was the entry (slightly altered) that started it all, on December 14, 2004.  Like it or not, there are more to come.  Below is a list of those that have appeared before now.  I may be inspired or persuaded to take on other aspects of the Xmas mythos this season or in those to follow.
  *The ones I like best or had the most fun researching and writing are starred.
  1.   svwX – turning the 12 days of Christmas upside-down and backwards*
  2.   Why postpone the joy?
  3.   Origins of the Candy Cane
  4.   Two Patriotic (Xmas) Poems – Giving the Authors their Due
  5.   White Christmas  by Robert W. Service (not my #1 favorite Xmas poem by him, but pretty good anyway, in its own sentimental way)
  6.   All about Christmas trees*
  7.   Holidays are Hazardous (political correctness and other evils)
  8.   Born in a Manger (origin and history of the crèche or Nativity scene)*
  9.   Holiday Treats for Gifts or for Eating – six recipes:  3 sugary & 3 gluten-free lo-cal
  10.   Io Saturnalia! – ancient history*
  11. It really is a WONDERFUL LIFE. – Featured Grownups essay on how I made my little world a better place.
  12. Xmas in War and Something Else – war and peace with a seasonal twist, in poetry, pictures, cartoons, etc.*
  13. Winter Solstice – Sacred Survival (archaeoastronomy and diverse traditions)
  14. How did reindeer get involved, anyway?
  15. Mistletoe, Holly, Ivy, Poinsettias and Yule Logs
  16. Draggin’ the Tree (cowboy Christmas poetry)
  17. The Trapper’s Christmas Eve and The Christmas Tree by Robert W. Service
  18. The Ancestry and Evolution of Santa Claus*
  19. The Elves and Gnomes of Christmas
  20.  A small collection of seasonally appropriate, but otherwise inappropriate, images unworthy of attention by anyone except one with a seriously sick sense of humor.
  21  My favorite Christmas Poem

  

  • 9:49 pm
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