July 27, 2009

• I think of myself as harmless.

  Sometimes, that opinion is not entirely accurate.  My intentions are generally harmless.  I have not lost my infamous temper in almost sixteen years, and even then nobody was killed, maimed, or scarred for life.  Scared, but not scarred.

  Accidental, unintentional harm is what concerns me, now that I have gotten my intentions in line.  It is not enough, I feel, to do no intentional harm.  I intend to do no harm at all, and that’s much more complicated and difficult.

   

  PICTURE UNRELATED

  Defining, “harm,” is the first difficulty.  Many of my clients, a few friends, and some family members, think they have been harmed by my frank forthrightness, but in that opinion they are usually mistaken.  That old truism that the truth hurts might sometimes be true for some people, but hurting is not the same as harming.  The difference between hurting and harming is similar to the difference between being bruised and being maimed.

  Professionally, my ethics dictate that I relate to my clients all that I perceive to be even potentially significant, without regard for their feelings and reactions or my own.  Often, the most repugnant facts are those we most need to understand in order to choose the best course.  I think it is most unfortunate that our culture views “disillusionment” in a negative light.  This one, for me, is a no-brainer:  Tell it like it is, then deal with the feedback, whatever that is, in personal relationships as well as professional.

  The issue that strains my brain is a different one:  How do I differentiate between a truth or fact that needs to be revealed, and one that is not only unnecessary to tell, but potentially harmful.  I have spent a lot of time mulling this one over, and failed to come to an acceptable conclusion.  The potential scenarios in which this issue might come up are too numerous to detail here, so I’ll just tell you about one that comes up frequently.

  I know someone who is talented, skilled, flawed, vain, insecure and emotionally needy.  Actually, I know several such people, of both sexes, so I’m going to refer to them in the collective.  They tend to crow over their achievements, fishing for compliments, to reassure themselves of their worth.  Being skilled communicators, and experienced manipulators, familiar with and confident of their audiences, they usually get what they want.

  In the Cosmic scheme of things, this might be a minor harm, but I’m not working on a Cosmic scale right now.  I am concerned with the personal mental health of my clients and associates, and with the general health of the culture and society in which I live.  Manipulation and reinforcing manipulative behavior are not healthy things to do.  The healthy reaction:  honest confrontation of the manipulative intent and neurotic motivation, is going to go down with these sickos and their sycophants like a turd in the punchbowl, just like that dysphemism for a lead balloon went down with most of you.

  Do I do more harm by keeping silent and letting these sick social patterns continue unimpeded, or by confronting them?  I know that the answer to this question depends on variables I cannot predict.  In some situations, if I make my point sufficiently well, some of the participants might have a little AHA! moment, if they are having a personal teachable moment coinciding with my articulate moment.  Equally likely is that they will perceive my confrontation of our mutual issue as a personal attack on themselves and their current idol.  When that happens, they adopt an embattled attitude and become even more adamant in their pathological behavior.

  For me, the best thing about the latter scenario above is that such coteries of insecure creatures in their mutual admiration societies are seldom overt or activistic in counterattack.  I’m not likely to be killed or maimed for pulling their covers.  Usually they are content to just tell each other how coarse and mean I am.  There is no direct harm to me in that, but I do end up inadvertently reinforcing the pathological social pattern I wanted to extinguish.  See my dilemma?
  
   

  • 3:33 pm
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