June 17, 2009

• Online NPD

  Meeting new “friends” on Facebook, I have been impelled to think about narcissistic personality disorder simply because there is so much of it apparent in the social media milieu.  Most people using social networking sites reach out for new contacts.  Other than keeping in touch with friends or reconnecting with old friends, that’s what the media are for, essentially.  Commercial purposes give further reasons for networking outreach.  This is rapidly becoming the norm in our culture, and it is not necessarily pathological.

  A moderate degree of narcissism is present in any healthy personality.  There can be too little self-interest, self-examination, and self-involvement, just as there can be too much of it.  The differences between healthy narcissism and NPD are distinct, and easily recognized when one is aware of the signs.  Reaching out for new contacts and friends is normal and healthy for a normal healthy person who is being social.  A person with NPD seeks out new people to provide the attention and “narcissistic supply” he craves, if he’s not getting enough attention — and “enough” is never enough for long.  To those with NPD, attention is an addictive drug.

  A pathological narcissist might come on a little stronger initially than a healthier person, but where ordinary gregariousness shades over into NPD is most apparent after new relationships are established.  When people with healthy egos encounter interpersonal conflicts or clashes over beliefs, they tend to either take them acceptingly in stride or quietly and respectfully back away from the relationship.  A pathological narcissist (“N”) is likely to interpret such clashes or differences as personal affronts.  Conflicts do, in fact, attack and threaten the narcissist’s fantasy, and he usually reacts in one of two ways:  ingratiation, or rage.

  In general, ingratiation is selected when the N has reason to believe that the “source” can be brought around to his way of thinking and will go back to being a good source of narcissistic supply.  Pathological narcissists in ingratiation mode can be some of the most personable and charming people you will ever meet, initially.  One clue that you have encountered an N is if he states an opinion or belief, you express opposition to it, and he immediately backpedals and agrees with you.  Ns tend not to argue.

  It is impossible to predict how many such cycles any particular N will go through at any given time before he feels he can’t yield again, and erupts into rage.  Sudden, unpredictable, and apparently unprovoked rage is one of the diagnostic markers for NPD.  Rage, of course, is easier to detect in person, in video, or over an audio link, but it can also be seen in the chatty format of a social networking site.  Sometimes, but not always, there is vulgarity, profanity, all-caps, exclamatory punctuation, name-calling, and/or ad hominem attacks inserted into discussions that started out being political, philosophical or just casual discussions.

  With or without those indicators of rage, there is always recrimination and rejection — but, beware:  the pathological N is likely to cool off and come around again for more of the same.  NPD creates trolls and asshats and other forms of online aggravators.  I have no advice on how to handle these people when you encounter them.  Some people get their feelings hurt and withdraw from such abuse.  Others go on the defensive and seek to block them or have them banned if the abuse is sufficiently aggravating.

  There are also those who bait the N and play with his mind, and I see theirs as a slightly different personality disorder, but still in Cluster B.  NPD is the disorder least likely to lead the “sufferer” to seek treatment.  Common wisdom has it that they don’t suffer, they make others do the suffering.  If an N ends up in therapy, there is a higher likelihood that his therapist will give up and withdraw from the case than there is with any other disorder.

  Ironically, one therapeutic approach that can be effective with an N:  consistent, repeated confrontation with reality, is probably the thing he’s least likely to receive.  Not only will he shy away from it, few people will be willing to invite, or able to withstand, the abuse that such confrontation elicits.  Fortunately, neuroscience is discovering biochemical factors in personality disorders, and might eventually develop some treatments that really work.
  

  • 6:25 pm
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