June 10, 2009

• Ever ask yourself why you did something?

  I usually get that sort of self-examination out of the way before I do things.  Being rash and impulsive in my youth, I was often left wondering what I had been thinking when I got myself into one tight spot after another.  I learned to think things through before committing myself to a course of action.  I gave a lot of thought to the possible ramifications of hooking up with the psychic hotline before I hit “submit” and accepted the contract.  What clinched the deal for me was an oracle reading I did on the issue.  The oracle said I would gain from the experience, so I went for it.

  Yesterday, feeling backed into a corner by the supervisor’s ultimatum — keep the customers (they call them that but I have always called them my clients) on the line a lot longer or be dropped from the listings — I again consulted the oracle.   I switched over to working at night because the supervisor said I’d get more calls then since there were fewer psychics available.  I sat here all Monday night, nodding off a few times, and I received no calls.

  On fully half of the eight days I was available for calls, I received none.  On days I did receive calls, many were either prank hangup calls or calls that failed to connect because of problems with the system.  That was frustrating, but the real issue for me was ethical:  the company’s disregard for its side of our contractual arrangement, and their pressuring me to use tricks and subterfuge to keep customers on the line longer.  I asked the oracle if it would be in my best interests to cut my losses and quit right then, rather than spend the rest of the week trying to come up to the company’s expectations.

  The answer was yes, so I quit.  I told my Facebook friends yesterday, and spinksy asked me, “Why quit???”  I hadn’t questioned why I quit.  I knew why I was quitting.  As soon as I saw the oracle’s response to my question and made the decision to quit, I felt as if a load was lifted off me.  The sense of relief was wonderful.  What I was asking myself was why I’d ever gotten into that situation in the first place.

  In the early 1990s, a psychic I had worked beside at a psychic fair in Eureka, California, tried to recruit me for the hotline she worked for.  I had received solicitations from several hotlines during the time I was advertising in magazines.  After some brief investigation, I concluded then that the hotlines were not for me.  So, what the hell happened this time?  Why did I think for even a moment that it would work out for me now?  After having a day to think it over, I’ve decided to blame it on ascribe it to Mercury retrograde.  No blame, no shame

  The retrograde of Mercury that is just past had hit me harder than any other that I can recall.  Astrologically, it makes sense that this should be so, because the whole time that Mercury’s apparent motion was going backward through the Zodiac, it was transiting through a very sensitive area of my natal chart, part of that pattern that I have labeled, “intensity,” or “curse/blessing.”  That natal pattern of mine, with many different aspects, some “beneficial” and others “difficult”, is the reason I have concluded that ambivalence is my dharma.  Nothing is ever all one way or another for me.  This life of mine is a both/and thing.

  That’s true this time, too.  When I cut my losses and cut my ties to the hotline, I came out of it in possession of a headset cordless phone with enough range from the base that I can work in the garden or walk on the muskeg while talking on the phone or waiting for calls.  Having the extra phone line means that we won’t have to disconnect from the internet to use the phone.  I can phone Doug when I need to get his attention — that’s a plus that I hadn’t considered until right this minute.

  Last night when I told Greyfox that I had quit, he assumed that I would immediately have that extra phone line disconnected.  He was pissed off when I told him that to me that extra phone was one of the only gains from this whole experience.  He is worried about how we will pay the bill.  I’m not worried.  Worry is counterproductive.  I’m determined to find some way to earn more money so I can pay for it.  I think it is worth the slightly less than $1.00 a day it costs.

  There is one additional gain from my time on the hotline.  One of the line’s customers really needed a reading and I was the right person to give it.  We connected psychically and emotionally, and her attitude at the end of our conversation had turned from anxiety to hope and determination.  She doesn’t know who I am, because the line required that I use an alias, and in the contract I promised not to reveal any personally identifying information to their customers.  I don’t know who she is, either.  The way she hesitated when I asked her name suggests that even though she only gave me a first name, it probably wasn’t hers.  Our paths might never cross again.  The important thing is that they crossed that once, when it mattered.
  

  • 5:33 pm
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