April 22, 2009
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Chances
Chances are, everyone, at some time in his or her life has taken chances. Some of the ones who take the most chances never really had a chance. The ones with the least chance of success are those afraid to take chances.
If you treat life like a game of chance, you won’t have much chance of seeing it work out according to your plan, but if you chance to discover your own power of choice, you might get a second chance.
Pushed into a corner by an abusive or neglectful partner, seeing no chance for something better, a codependent person might try to gain some control by threatening to leave and offering, “one last chance,” if the partner will shape up. Chances are, if such a one offers one, she or he will probably offer more than one last chance. How many last chances, I wonder, should one person get?
Comments (15)
Good post of chances.
You probably know this since you’re a wiser woman than I, but I believe it depends on the person. The offer of chances isn’t limitless. I identified with your last paragraph, even though I never said “I’ll give you one last chance”. Instead, I accepted apologies I knew were hollow and ultimately meaningless. However, every time it happens, it wears something away. The best analogy I can use (being a geeky chem eng) is metal fatigue. You have what is originally a malleable piece of metal, and with every twist it still bends, but you can see the integrity getting weaker and weaker, until finally – the metal breaks completely. I’d say that would be the last chance. I tried explaining that to my ex-husband, who never did quite seem to get it.
More than one can ever hope to count.
“Last” chance? One.
I’m kind of a three strikes and you’re out girl. I like to make room for genuine change to happen. I don’t consider myself codependent (anymore), and I do have some absolutely hard and fast limits. Hit me, and that’s it. No chances.
We don’t give chances, we give choices… right? That’s all second (third, fourth, etc) chances are, ultimately. I’m really only into giving one a 2nd chance. Their choice determines what happens next. Once the choice is made… if it’s not agreeable to me… why would I give them another? They made their choice.
Guess I’m not especially forgiving. I’m more likely to cut my loses and be done with it. Life’s too short.
When you’re talking about abusive people, I think one or two chances, three at the most, is all they should get. I’ve given WAY more than that, and it just got worse and worse each time. Each broken promise and wasted chance was more demoralizing and heart-breaking. I’ve done the codependence. It was awful, and it NEVER got better. If I had it to do over, I wouldn’t have stayed a quarter as long as I did.
That said, if someone is just a bit of an idiot in some ways and NOT abusive? Well, that’s different. A person who isn’t trying to hurt and control someone is an entirely different animal, and I’ll give as many chances as their other qualities suggest is reasonable. A kind and loving partner who is simple careless or clumsy from time to time, and then apologetic? That’s just fine. Maddening! But fine. lol
@Tyche - I like the “metal fatigue” analogy. Some metals break easier than others.
@soul_survivor - I agree with you. If one says “last” one needs to follow through, or lose self-respect and invite more abuse or neglect.
@RedHairedCelt - @sidhesays - @lupa - If one says, “another” chance, that’s open-ended. Saying “one” and giving more than one… see reply above.
@warweasel - I am extraordinarily forgving, but have such a hair-trigger temper that if somebody pushes me too far, before I know it, they’ll have some forgiving to do, too. My family says I’m scary, but I haven’t killed anyone yet. I do have some self-control.
@SuSu - You’re quite right, but not many of us have the strength to walk away that first time. I mean, what if this is the one who is willing to go through the intensive therapy to change? What if this is the one who wants to change? I know it’s because of the way I was raised, but I can’t walk away wondering if it could be It. Unhealthy? Yep. Codependent? You betcha! Realistic? Probably not. lol
@SuSu - I have the same anger issues and I tend to become physically aggressive when I’m pushed to the point of losing my temper. Which can be pretty hairy when the cork pops…
@lupa - I understand what you are saying, and I’m really glad that Greyfox did not go away all those times I told him to get out of my life. He’s clean, sober and almost human now. It’s a great relationship.
@SuSu - That’s exactly it. Most of us never find the bastard who wants to stop being a bastard, but every now and then someone who gets lucky. It’s never smart or healthy to stay with the abuser, but damn… Sometimes you just can’t bring yourself to give up hope, you know?
..abusive? codependent? i’ve never known those situations and hope i never will.
yes, i’ve taken chances.
as for the strike count? i’m always giving people the benefit of the doubt..the first time. once i’ve been dissappointed or taken advantage of?
one strike and you are out. end of story
and don’t be lingering on the bridge ’cause it’s on fire already
@the_nthian - For me, like almost everything, it’s always situational. Around here, one strike is all it takes to get blocked. With family and clients, I don’t count strikes, I just fly by the seat of my pants.
well in my case it was sorta like baseball…3 strikes and he was out..i had enough turned the key and walked away..it wasnt by any means smoothe sailing as we had 3 sons involved but at least the constant emotional games/abuse were over with..not for lack of trying on his part but for me finally having the back bone to say enough..