August 20, 2008
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More Denial and Deception
My post yesterday, about someone who tries (with mixed success, I suppose) to project an image much more benign than her true personality, provoked some discussion. I like when that happens, because the feedback stimulates thought and helps me understand these issues that trouble me. Thanks, all of you.
Chabutter said: “i hope you are able to get away from her negative energy.” I have never even considered escaping from “negative” energy. I’d be willing to bet that some of you who know me better, and have been reading me longer, than Chabutter, would be expecting me to respond to that. I suppose that my words, such as, “I thought she was in denial about her shadow side, unaware of the
viciousness of her temper and the magnitude of the hatred she sometimes
projects,” are easily interpreted as negative judgments, but that’s not what I’m feeling when I say such things.I hope I made it clear that I don’t think of lying as “evil,” but was only saying that this is how some people see it. In my far from humble opinion, such dualistic judgments as “positive” and “negative” preclude rational thought and discussion. I prefer to understand motivations, backgrounds, sources, adaptive or maladaptive factors, and issues such as awareness versus unconscious drives. Better versus worse is about as far as I’m willing to go on the dualism road. Running away from troublesome behavior would prevent me from being able to learn anything from it, and would be totally counterproductive from a therapeutic perspective. I know she is sick and unhappy. I’m looking for ways to approach helping her.
Fairydragonstar displayed her usual spiritual perspective and metaphysical awareness with her comments. “…by hiding your true self you are not in
touch with your self so much as you desire to recieve acceptance from
others and are afraid that if you let your true self be seen that it
will be found lacking… when you practice deception and denial you are not seeking your higher self,“ and, “…some people lie and do deceptive things
purely for entertainment value. …I sometimes don’t know what to think about
people that do that…I think on some levels they are such good liars
that they have lied to themselves but I think on other levels they know
exactly what they are doing…I do believe it isn’t a simple
answer…it is more complex…“I have to agree with that, because no matter how I look at the questions I asked, I find no simple answers. I know that the most convincing of liars are those who have convinced themselves, but they are also the most ridiculous ones, displaying monstrous gullibility. Having been adept at denial in my youth, and then having swung in the opposite direction into thoughtlessly blurting out the truth at every turn, I do have my own perspective on the issue, but I also know that my experiences and my motivations are not the same as everyone’s.
Apocatastasis, in comments too lengthy to quote here, tied this issue into a larger discussion he and I have been having about fear versus love, and brought up “manners.” One synonym for “manners,” is, “forms,” and I have already made my position clear on the forms of miscommunication that our culture calls “polite fictions.” I see in them insidious threats to sanity and social harmony. I think they covertly work in just the opposite manner to their overt intent. I won’t condemn people for expressing what they mean by saying its opposite, but I constantly endeavor to avoid picking up the habit myself.
Comments (6)
“Apocatastasis, in comments too lengthy to quote here…”
As always
As I write things, I “learn” at the same time. I come up with a lot of it from the top of my head. It’s a way for me to mull over whatever is presented. And sometimes I continue to mull over it in my head, for days even.
You’re like a conduit to my personal growth at this point. You’re a piece of metal, through which electricity flows. I’m touching that metal. But I’m made of an unconductive material; it takes a while for me to feel that jolt.
I’m still thinking about that KaiOaty beliefs essay.
As always, K, you lift the top of my head open and let some light in. I am altogether too conventional and limited in my thinking. You help me to free myself a little bit, give myself permission to color outside the lines, so to speak. Better or worse, yes.
Oh, perhaps she merely believes herself to be “evil” in error, and is acting in kind…perhaps to carefully suggest in some way that she is making everything way too convoluted and it would just be easier to be what she is…oh lord never mind. I can’t even take that advice myself…
“I see in them insidious threats to sanity and social harmony.”
They’re perfect for some good ol’ fashion passive aggression
On the other hand, some people “play nice” because it makes their lives easier. I’m becoming more assertive at work as I need to do more leveraging. Before, though, I sat back, a little faux-sweetly, and learned. A la Tevye, on the *other* hand, I used to have a huge problem with emotional outbursts a few times a year. Something little could set me off and I’d weep uncontrollably for hours, at the most inconvenient times. I’ve learned to let the steam come out as it needs to instead of bottling up inside a closed kettle and exploding when it has to.
@BoureeMusique - Thank you for mentioning that, “blow up,” phenomenon. That’s the way this person’s shadow manifests, and it’s terrible to see, not weeping but raging. She has a lot of suppressed pain and terror.