July 3, 2008
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Wedding Rings and Jack Reacher
The book I read yesterday had two female characters who were married but didn’t wear wedding rings, for different reasons, neither of which reflected any philosophical or political preference. That the author made an issue of the absence of the rings was what got my attention. I did not receive wedding rings from any of my latest three husbands. It was no big deal with Michael or Charley. The relationships were what they were without any need for symbolic reinforcement.
Rings became an issue with Greyfox because he offered me the ring his first wife had worn. It has their initials and wedding date engraved inside. I declined, and his reaction appeared to be somewhere between bafflement and offense. I felt that the offer was inappropriate, but he seemed to think that the gold band was the important thing and that its history, and the engraving inside, didn’t matter.
He had already given me a ring, a gaudy thing in silver with a naked woman coiled around it, holding a cornucopia with a jade cabochon at its mouth. He considered it our ”engagement” ring when I didn’t even consider us to be engaged, so I later let him slip it on my finger as we stood before the judge in an empty conference room in a Virginia courthouse. The ring was too big, too showy for my taste and, I thought, not very taseful, so it hasn’t been worn much.
So, how do you feel about wedding rings? Not just whether you are for or against them as symbolic bonds, but, if you think they are appropriate or important for a woman, do you think men should wear them also? Are you younger women aware that in the 1960s it was very rare for a man to wear a wedding ring, and that rings for grooms became more popular as the women’s movement tried to do away with rings for women? Some sort of compromise, do you think?
That book, Nothing to Lose, is the best so far in the Jack Reacher series, I think. Reacher has always been somewhat of a mythic hero, and this story takes the mythic status to new heights. It is the first time Lee Child has taken on politics and religion with such hard-edged feeling. About halfway through, I paused and looked at the pages remaining and thought for a millisecond about slowing down to make it last longer. Then I got back into it and finished it.
I’m at the Willow Public Library today, on my way to Wasilla to drop off the computer for repair. It is possible that I might get another hour at a public computer at the Wasilla library later. My time here is running short, so… seeya later.
Comments (24)
I don’t think rings are important, no ring or piece of paper is needed for a bond or a promise to be made between two people. But, we like formalities, don’t we? I suppose it depends on the person-if they want a ring, let them have a ring-but never force it one way or another upon anyone, of course. Only logical reason behind having them, as far as I can see, is to show to others that you’re “taken,” so they don’t make moves on you. I think marriage is a bit silly anyway.
I don’t think that rings themselves are important, except to the extent that they are important to the two people who have chosen to exchange them. There are days when my arthritis is acting up, or when it it so very hot and humid that my fingers swell to a point that I cannot wear the simple gold band that my wife gave me 28 years ago. On such days, I feel almost naked.
I wear my wedding ring and feel quite naked without it, but all the jewelry I wear is worn out of a seminental reason. My wedding band was a piece of jewelry my grandpa gave my grandma for the 25th anniversary. Carl surprised me with a small diamond engagement ring after he put the wedding band on my finger. I bawled.
Carl and I were together 5 years before we got married and I have from the first month worn a ring on that finger. The first ring Carl got for me was out of one of those you put a quarter in and get a piece of junk in return machines.
Des
Didn’t know about men not wearing a wedding ring back in the ’60s ’cause I got married the first time back then and my ex loved wearing his ring (as did all my friends’ husband from that era.) I had two rings back then: the one I got married in and another I liked in gold that looked like bamboo. Still have the gold one but never wear it. The (quite small) diamond engagement ring and matching diamond band from 1st marriage got sold for cash back in the ’90s when I was desperate for cash. Never wore any of them anyway after marriage ended.
Present husband and I both wear matching gold bands that he picked out and loves. He said he never got the chance to do what he wanted in the first marriage so he bought me a diamond engagement ring when he proposed to me. I also have a gorgeous diamond band he got me for our anniversary one year that I picked out when he said he didn’t know what to buy me! lol I am a Libra and love jewelry, have collected a lot over the last 60 years.
Don’t know the Reacher books, will have to check them out next visit to our library.
Happy 4th!
Eh, rings are just jewelry. Amethyst and I haven’t got wedding rings, but plan one day to acquire them. We’re just as married without ‘em.
Although the rings hold no deeply symbolic meaning for me during the course of a marriage, I have always symbolized the freedom of divorce by hacking open the ring and straightening it out. Go figure, huh?
My dad and my husband both wear their wedding rings, simple gold bands. My mom hasn’t worn hers in a long time. She claims it’s because her fingers keep changing sizes, she works with raw meat, or she just forgets. I have my plain gold band and my engagement ring on. I could do without them, but I like the feeling there. And if Steve and I are hanging out watching a movie, I like to play with the ring on his left ring finger. I don’t think there should be any obligation either way. The couple should agree on whatever they want to do and the rest of the world can deal with it.
Rick and I mutually decided to wear wedding rings – my only stipulation for my wedding ring this time around was that it be different than my first one (which was a plain gold band). I’ve never owned an engagement ring, mostly because of the cost involved. Rick swears he’s going to buy one someday, but I’m not bothered about it. I like what the wedding rings mean – especially if both spouses wear them – but I do resent the roots of the engagement ring. I’m not being “bought”, and I don’t need anything for “damages” if everything doesn’t work out.
Interesting topic.
Back into the 70′s I always wore a wedding ring…and I’m one of those who believes that unless a man is in an occupation where his finger could get ripped off (it does happen) he should wear one. Why not? It says something–so why not let it speak out to the fact that you’re taken and committed?
We wear wedding rings after marriage.
I like the last guys comment about commitment. Is it so hard for us to accept a small symbol of a commitment. my hubby knew a couple in Nevada that got married went out and got their divorce papers written up just so they could still have an out. Talk about fear of commitment. I’m happy to say my hubby and I both wear our rings, although both of us lost our first ones. He lost his while we were walking in the woods. It was to large for his finger. I still have mine but it sits in my jewelry case because it no longer fits after almost ten years of marriage (november 2008) So as far as sentimentality since they aren’t the original I’m not sure how sentemental they still are, but I believe they do show commitment. I hope you don’t mind that I commented. I found the discussion very interesting.
We got our rings after the fact. Our rings for our courthouse wedding were rings we had and liked. I didn’t wear mine nor he his very often as we both worked with our hands and the rings weren’t appropriate for every day wear. We had rings made later in the marriage (30 years so far) and they are according to our own personal taste. Mine is a leaf patten of white gold and yes, it does have an inscription. “All my love” I wear it and do not take it off because it was made for me and is sturdy enough to handle my gardening, art and children lifestyle. I can’t take it off unless I apply butter,oil, soap and a lot of pulling. Couldn’t wear it while pregnant as my hands were swollen a bit. The birthstone has been replaced with a shaphire after it was lost in the garden as I’m not a diamond wearer. The ring didn’t make the marriage, but I must admit that when we are apart and I’m thinking of him, I catch myself twisting it in a circle. The King hasn’t worn his in years as he has changed sizes and never had the ring sized. Other reasons for the money and it’s usually our children who get the extra $ for everyday important stuff like shoes and clothes as they grow like weeds in our family. I touch him far more than any ring ever will. hee hee
I don’t care one way or the other. They’re just jewelry. ::shrugs:: Alot of guys I know still don’t wear wedding rings (or rings of any nature) due to working with heavy machinery and what not.
I did not know it wasn’t commonplace for men to wear wedding bands. Nice job “they” did in making us believe yet another piece of stuff was absolutely necessary.
My husband and I have wide gold bands that we had custom done by a Haida carver up the coast. I rarely wear mine at home because my hands are always in the garden, in the water, or in a dirty diaper, but I make a point of wearing it out because I do like having it as a symbol that I’m married, and also because it is my favourite piece of jewelry.
G never wore a ring when we were married. I wasn’t aware they were not common before the 60s. I wore an engagement ring which I later sold. G still hasn’t forgiven me (hey, we’re divorced).
I’ll bite.
I wear a ring, and so does my husband. Mine is the simplest 4mm wide silver band, while husband’s does not match, nor do I wish it to.
We both wear one, for different reasons – mine, because it is a symbol and reminder of my commitment (which I sometimes find fuzzy), and he? I believe, because he had so many years of NON ring, that he would like to disprove in terms of monogamy.
we both wear rings, regardless.
First of all, I think whether to wear rings is a decision each couple needs to make for themselves. However, unless the woman is very much ok with it, without any pressure from her husband to accept his wishes, I say that if one wears a ring, BOTH wear a ring. I know it was the norm for the ring to be the woman’s thing, but these days a man who refuses to wear a wedding ring when his wife wants him to, and while expecting his wife to wear one is most likely planning to claim to be unmarried at an opportune moment.
Steve and I spent months selecting our rings. He’s happy to wear one, so long as it’s comfort fit. lol And he DOES have one of those job where he could get a finger ripped off, which is why he’ll take it off while he’s at work.
They’re an important symbol to us, but they aren’t going to make or break our marriage, nor should they be of any importance to anyone but us.
Oh, and I would’ve had a similar opinion to yours on being given another woman’s ring. Just, NO. It doesn’t work like that!
I think it depends on the couple. Personally, I don’t mind the symbolism. The characters in my stories wear engagement and wedding rings. I wore a ring when I was married. To me it’s no biggie.
I love wedding rings, but then I wear the same earrings and watch every day. I like the simplicity of just a wedding band, and I sometimes like the bling of something shiny. I like the idea of wearing the same jewelry every day so wedding rings appeal to me.
I would very much like it if my partner (theoretically) wore a ring too, but that would be entirely up to them.
Jakob will wear a wedding band, he originally was opposed to the idea. My argument was if I am expected so are you.
I think for some it’s a way of marking their territory, but for me it’s a reminder of the circle of a relationship and a symbol of our bond. Since circles play such an important part in Native culture it is important to me. I do not like big- bling – type rings, never have. Something simple, something that represents me and him, not necessarily something that everyone will notice. simple understated elegance…that’s perfect for me.
I didn’t know that about men not wearing rings back in the 60′s. I’d never heard that before about the women’s movement and men’s rings, interesting, but I still don’t understand how that worked. Did men WANT to start wearing them in an attempt to preserve tradition, or did advertisers just try to convince men to start wearing them so their bridal jewelry business didn’t go under? I remember reading essays railing against the ring, and likening the ring to a chain of slavery. So that’s pretty much how I thought of it, and it was inconsequential because I was never going to get married anyways.
Then I got engaged, but that’s a different story.
Then my fiance forced me into a store to pick out a ring, days before we got married, and as soon as I got in and saw the synthetic sparkly stuff lighting up the carpet I went mad. Actually I didn’t get mad, but I figured out real fast that I did like twinkly stuff after all. To be fair, I quickly picked out a ring I liked that was more detail than diamond, so I didn’t get all Paris Hilton, and I never would.
Of course after I actually recvd the ring, it was yellow and white gold, I discovered an allergy to nickel and realized that the only option I would really have if I wanted to wear that ring every day was silver or platinum. I know how hard I am on silver so I picked platinum. Then I went about 1.5 years without wearing a ring at all because I didn’t want to spend the money recasting the thing in platinum. Eventually I got the ring done but I think because I didn’t have it for so long I didn’t form any kind of special attachment to it. I really like it, but it’s kind of big for me right now and often times I find myself wearing a 12.00 silver ring that a friend picked up for me at a jewelry show instead.
I like wearing my ring in social situations because it sends out a statement (I hope) without me having to say a word. The statement (once again, I think) is, “Sir, we can have a nice conversation and I would love to talk with you but don’t bother trying to smooth talk me into anything because I’m married”.
Actually, it was kind of funny not having the ring for so long. Women seem to love to look at each other’s wedding rings, so whenever I would refer to “my husband” often times I would notice the eyes darting to the empty left-hand ring finger. Perhaps they thought, “Oh, that poor deluded dear!” Or maybe, “She must have an astral husband!”
Regardless of that, I think if you are going to have to wear something somewhat continually, you should have a say in picking it out.
I have an engagement ring and a wedding ring and at 5 years we will add a anniversary ring to the other side of the engagement ring…my Husband, my Dad and my Dad’s Dad all have wedding rings…I think they are a symbol of the vows you take when you get married…but like the piece a paper you get it is more a formality then anything…My DH and I were married long before we got the license to wed
NOTE TO ALL–Kathy’s comp is still in the shop–she may be picking it up today, I dunno.
This is a great discussion. I just got married a couple of years ago at the age of 35. It never occurred to me for either of us not to have rings. However, I never wanted a traditional ring. My engagement ring is a ruby surrounded by two small diamonds and the wedding band has very small rubies and diamonds around the front. I love my rings and I like that my husband likes his. I think part of what I like is it being very clear to other people that we are married.
Wedding band has a sort of special significance. Many people have an inscription written to reaffirm their love on the inside of the band. Others choose a particular design that means something to them personally. For example, some people in the United States chooses wedding bands for women with a Celtic knot etched in them to symbolize unity. You can even consider making your sexual partner birthstone added to the ring.
womens wedding bands