June 26, 2008
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These are not the droids you’re looking for.
I’m not pleased with the way Xanga forces us to give a reason when we decline a “friend” invite. Why isn’t a simple “no” good enough? Don’t they realize that egos will be wounded and feelings get hurt if I have to tell people why I am rejecting their offers of cyber friendship?
When the social networking thing started here, I declined every invite from people I didn’t “know,” in the sense of being familiar with their blogs. I chose one of the canned options, the one about not knowing the person well enough, most of the time. If it was obviously someone who wasn’t interested in my blog but was only out for numbers, I’d pick one of the flip responses.
Eventually, I changed the way I viewed the “friends” feature when I noticed how pleasant it was to see that random sampling of my friends’ pictures in that little box. When I subbed to someone new after that, I also invited him as a friend. I continually go back now and ask some of my subs to be my friends, when I realize that they aren’t… especially the ones with cool profile pics. It always makes me smile to see you guys sitting there in your little boxes, just like Hollywood Squares.
As KaiOaty, I have welcomed thousands of new and returning Xangans, and have friended a few dozen of the ones who actually wrote something worth reading. That was mainly because back when I started that site, I decided only to subscribe to the people we did readings for, so that I’d have that list of our Xanga clients there on the home page. Themes limit the display of subs to …20? 30? … whatever, it’s not enough, but I haven’t decided what to do about that. KaiOaty’s friends are a mix of old friends from this site and new people from the Welcome Wagon.
Recently, I (SuSu) got an influx of friend invites from strangers. Feeling expansive, I decided that, rather than just summarily rejecting them, I’d look at their sites and if they’d written anything interesting, I’d accept. One young man who invited me had just three or four brief entries, and hadn’t said much at all. He did, however, have a bunch of friends, including the most egregious attention-craving Xangalebrities. So I told him it wasn’t because of his writing that I was rejecting him, but because of the company he keeps. He didn’t like that, and in his fit of pique he chose to denigrate the blogosphere.
I got to wondering how widespread his attitude is. What do you think? Is a blog somehow inferior to print media? Should we really, as he says, save our quality writing “for National Geographic or Discover magazine,” and just blog about inconsequential crap?
BTW, I think I have solved the problem of how to decline an invite without using the canned options or being my blunt, forthright, offensive self. I’ll choose “other” and fill in the blank with “…”.
Comments (28)
Ha. I recently went through my friend’s list and deleted everyone I didn’t read.
I never did understand being “friends” with someone you know/will know nothing about.
Oo! I have had two folks in what I call “pending” for ages because I didn’t care for the canned reasons. I hadn’t seen the “other” category…maybe it’s new ish… but I probably just missed it. Just wanted a way to nicely say no.
As for his opinions… hey, he tried out the online media and apparently his confidence or whatever is wanting. The online blog is a fantastic medium for reaching everybody. Perhaps it’s the way the first printing press was for writers in the 16th century? Something new, something to be cautiously approached, but in the end, something ultimately fantastic for mankind.
I haven’t accepted a new friend in quite a while. Since I ditched premium and lost the big protected list option, I’ve f-locked my blog and nixed anyone I wouldn’t have on a protected list. I might have offended a few people I wasn’t really close to, but none of them have sent messages saying, “Heeeey!” so I think I chose pretty well.
And I’m partial to the droids answer, unless the person comes from a mutual friend. In that case, I just say I’m not accepting new friends, or I don’t know them well enough.
There is blogging and there is writing and they are not the same thing. But the difference is not necessarily a difference in quality. Mostly, it is a difference of half-life. Blogs are by nature evanescent. And because of their fleeting nature, blogs tend to be less polished, both in style and in purpose. But their immediacy can also carry great power.
i’ve only received two invites to be “friends”…one i accepted
…and the other one is just sitting there, unresolved because it seemed a knee-jerk reply to a comment i left. they gave no reason so i don’t feel compelled to give one in return. i’ve had the same thing happen numerous times with icq, i get the request, i ask, “why?” and they usually just go away…which is plenty fine by me.
You’ve reminded me that I should update my friend’s list…..
I’ve been thinking about writing a blog about the whole ‘friends’ invites also. I would like to see an option like ‘acquaintances’ or something similar to what you have on your main page. I quit asking the friends option after my first few subs and now just sub to people I want to read.
I first started inviting friends when I realized that some of my subs who didn’t leave comments, but actually did write were getting lost to my awareness. I like to click on their profile and get to the site without having to go through subs. Then I can check up on them, leave a comment and sometimes they start commenting or writing more. I like keeping up on how they evolve. I know that there are readers, writers, attention lovers, etc. There is a little group that I got sooooooo tired of the muck that I unsubscribed and went on my way. I didn’t want to play the game in that arena. To much energy sapping negativity and I’m off that gameboard.
I also got the experience. Someone invited me as his friend but finally what I could read is something dirty. I immediately deleted him from the list.
The only thing I don’t like about friend request is not being able to know how the people who’ve asked to be your friend will react to you. I hate it when I get a friend request and I’m exited about being able to read from more users, and converse back and forth about the things i’m interested in only to find that their main interest is, “Hey baby, let’s get in touch outside of here” or “my god, you suck!” waste of time. :/
I like reading other people’s blogs so i add them as friends. and had no subscriptions. now im adding subscriptions to my favorite people to read.
I do something similar…I look and if I feel that I am intrested in what they have to say I let them be friends…they don’t get on the protected list unless they have commented on the public stuff intelligently….I don’t need to agree with an opinion…just want intelligent food for thought…and if they associate on a regular basis with a group of people I used to know in the real world they are declined for the company they keep…as far as being chased by the xangalebraties…I am far too boring and really write to sort out the things in my head
Doahsdeer’s comment summarized it nicely. Blogs are different, but by no means inferior… although I guess it depends largely on whose blog you’re reading.
Printed media seems to have an overall higher standard of quality, but there are things that printed media just doesn’t provide – blogs help to fill that void.
I have a real problem with the attention-cravers. If someone writes something noteworthy I’ll read it, and if that is a trend then I want to sub (as I did to you). I send friend-vites to those whom I trust, more or less, to be whom they say they are. Did I just dangle a participle or something? Pardon me! I haven’t had much to write lately as I am moving too fast in another plane, trying to keep my nose above the bad stuff, treading water.
Lol. You make me laugh so much, Susu.
I’m sorry I haven’t commented many of your blogs lately. I’ve been neglecting everyone’s blogs… D: I’ll try to do better now though.
When the friends thing first appeared, I sort looked at it, and thought that those who were asking were already friends, and why did I need another category? So then I just ignored the friends request. I have certain blogs I’ve been reading almost since the start of my tenure here and I continue. Occasionally I’ll read a comment that has some interest and I’ll check out that blogger. All too often the spelling is atrocious as is the punctuation, and the syntax? Let’s not go there!
Often the commentors have protected blogs, so I do not intrude.
I totaly agree. I only add them as a friend if I am going to read their blog when ever I sign in on Xanga. It’s easier for me and plus see the few faces in my little box brings me some sort of joy. But, it’s not like I have 49284 friends either (mines still under 10 LOL) I guess to some people its all a numbers game and if thats what your looking for then keep on trucken!!!
I like the Hollywood Squares comment. Are you learning anything useful from that book? I would not mind being paid to blog. It might help me focus my writing better, which is always a good thing.
Oh, hello. Looks like you forgot to mention my username in that blog of yours.
This was your exact respond when you rejected a simple friend request from me (and doesn’t every brand new Xangan has a right to ask?) :
“It’s true, your profile pic would look good popping up randomly in my friends box, but frankly, I’m judging you by the company you keep, because you haven’t really gotten into producing content. Some of your friends are out for numbers — comments, props,friends, featured content. I’m truly eccentric, not into being in thein crowd.”
Answer these please :
(1) Does hanging around Xangalebrities made you their fan / groupie?
(2) Does by adding a Xangalebrity in your friends list makes you an attention whore?
(3) Does everyone has the time to write quality blogs?
(4) Does writing a crappy blog makes you a crappy blogger?
It’s like saying just because I hang around with drug addicts, pimps and whores, I am one of their kind. You didn’t bother to get know me first before tossing me into a bin.
Oh, for your information, I did not “… chose to denigrate the blogosphere.” I’ve been blogging for years too you see.
You have no rights to judge me based upon my company and what I wrote in my blogs. Let God be the judge, not you.
^ Okay. Keep in mind that my opinion may not reflect hers. I’m not about to put words in Kathy’s mouth.
I’d say she has the right to judge anyone, if you accept as a premise that upon meeting someone; we will infact make a myriad of judgements about that person – both conscious and subconscious, and often without even realizing it. Judgement is a natural, largely-uncontrollable phenomena and our capacity for judgement has been instilled in us by natural selection for a reason.
As for whether her assessment of your character is fair and accurate… now that is questionable, given the flimsy criteria she used (ie. the fact that you have “xangalebrities” in your friends list). Is it justifiable to use flimsy criteria in a situation like this? I think so, especially if there’s little else to go on.
It’s like saying just because I hang around with drug addicts, pimps and whores, I am one of their kind. - Like attracts like; that’s probably in-part why she didn’t accept your friend invite. If you hang around drug addicts, pimps, and whores, that tells us about the kind of person you’re liable to be.
Okay. Let’s look at the blogrings Kathy is in as an example. On the main page: “Rude, Crude, Smart-Ass Women“. Surprise-surprise. And what is she?
If you have egregrious, attention-whoring xangalebrities on your friends list, that also says something about your character. Not necessarily that you yourself are an attention-whore, but the fact that you’d want people like that on your friends list tells her something about the kind of person you are, and whether she’d want that kind of person as a friend.
Of course, there are always diamonds in the rough. Take Jesus. He hung out with people who were considered the scum of society, yet he was still a pretty awesome guy. Likewise, I’m sure there are Xangans that have some very… inimical people on their friends list, but are still rather awesome themselves. The Jesus thing, however, is still a case of ‘like attracts like’. He was always a bit of a misfit/outsider himself.
You say that she didn’t get to know you before rejecting your friend invite, but she said she had recieved a number of friend invites recently. Getting to know someone properly takes substantial time/effort, especially if she did that for everyone. Also, it’d be a little weird if she started talking to you and got to know you, but two months later said “Okay, I know you better now. I don’t want you as a friend, go away”, wouldn’t it? She went and had a look at your blog and got to know as much of you as she could based on that. It’s her choice to make; try not to take it too harshly. In the insightful words of Dr. Seuss, “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”
Great post fellow square!
Well. I usually sub to people who sub to me first. Or that I just find interesting reading, whether they sub to me or not. The friends thing… I’ll usually be friends with someone who asks, especially if they’re subbed to me or me to them.
@Ikwa - If you write something with good intentions, and someone misunderstands you and so you apologize for writing it, wouldn’t that only reinforce the idea in their minds that they understood you correctly in the first place, thus allowing them to think that they’re entirely justified in feeling offended?
Unless it went down in a different way than I’m thinking…
People need to chill out sometimes and ease up with the aggression.
What in the hell is a “Xangalebrity” anyway? I’m sure I could figure it out but I would rather spend some time being incredulous.
As for the “quality” writing, I don’t HAVE any quality writing for magazines, etc. I have a private, penned journal and I have this. More often than not I use this because my fingers are now much more accustomed to a keyboard than a pen, which is kind of sad, and I’m sure, will eventually have to change.
I try to take things in the Xanga world lightly and I usually don’t bother getting “offended” by much of anything. If I wanted to “friend” someone and they didn’t respond or declined, oh well, I guess. It’s nothing that I would really get too worked up about.
@the_nthian - It had never occurred to me to ask, “Why?” I think I’ll start doing that.
@Jaynebug - I started using “friends” for some of these reasons you mention. People were getting “lost” in my subs, and having their faces come up randomly provided reminders to me to go see what they’d been up to. It works very well for me that way.
@Bizy_the_Pirate - It’s just fun to see you back again. Almost nobody else on here knows the highway, the mountain, lake, Gorilla, etc.
@BoureeMusique - I don’t have the book. Greyfox found it in the library and gave me a synopsis. I guess the “currently reading” is a lie. I put it there more or less as an illustration to counter the assertion that blogging is insignificant or inferior. In my far from humble opinion, a blog is as significant as a blogger makes it.
@Ikwa - That’s the safest, sanest solution I think: not attaching ego to stuff like this.
@quitchick - the ‘lebrities are the ones who resort to tactics such as spamming, plagiarism, running popularity contests, asking for recommendations, etc., in order to build up NUMBERS of comments, props, readers, etc. I’m not mentioning any names because to do so would give them that attention they crave. After six years here, exploring widely and reading deeply, I have concluded that nobody gets to be a ‘lebrity by producing quality blogs. Greyfox says that popularity is won by appealing to the lowest common denominator.
@EltonxEvermore - I didn’t name you because I didn’t want any of my misguided “supporters” to give you a hard time for giving me a hard time. To answer your questions: yes, maybe, no, sometimes. Regardless of what you say now, your contention that one should reserve his or her best writing for print media DOES denigrate the blogosphere. This medium will be as worthwhile as we make it. Anything worth doing is worth doing well.
… I can’t imagine getting pissy because a stranger declined a friend invitation. That’s just mind-boggling.
“popularity is won by appealing to the lowest common denominator.” haha So true! I knew that once. i was popular in school for five minutes. They turn on ya quick too.
YAY, SuSu!!!
I don’t blog too much- never was the type, and I’m not that interesting- but I read everyone who I subscribe to. I find that 99.99 % of the time I agree with your blogs, and I also enjoy the lovely pictures you and Doug take and show on this site.I’ve not gotten any friend requests, but then, I’m a “nobody” and sorta like to stay that way if it’s going to come to having to make an excuse of whether or not I want to keep up with someone’s blog.After all, it’s still a free country, right? My choices, my reasons, and no one needs to know them if I don’t want them to.I love your answer. Right on!
*HUGS* ‘n Pax~
Zaena