May 26, 2008
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Expectations, Motivations and Complications
Trust is an expectation . . . unless it isn’t. There is a state of mind beyond expectations, where we are not invested in the actions or reactions of others, that is practically indistinguishable from trust. Most of us don’t live in that state, so trust is still an issue for many of us. We rely on others to behave in a certain way, or else we don’t: we trust, or we don’t trust.
Trust connotes reliance or dependence. If no risk or need is involved, trust isn’t at issue. Without trust, there can be no betrayal. One who gives trust forms expectations, and sets himself up to be betrayed as much as he is setting the other up to be branded a betrayer. Unless there is a specific contract to which both parties assent and agree, it is unfair to expect anything from someone, and certainly both unfair and self-defeating to be disappointed or feel betrayed if one’s expectations are not met.
Even when something is promised, it may be unwise to trust that it will be delivered. In some cases, trust is absurd, and even hope might be misplaced. If someone makes a promise to me that seems “too good to be true,” I have no right to expect the fulfillment of that promise, and no grounds for resentment if he fails to deliver. I knew better all along. If I make a promise I know I cannot keep, that makes me a lying manipulator, but it does not make me responsible for the disappointment felt by the other party, who chose to form an expectation.
In my own life, I do a pretty good job of not laying my expectations on others and of taking responsibility for my own feelings. I try to avoid making promises, and usually when I say I will do something, if I am not doing it immediately, I specify that I don’t know when I’ll get it done. That’s a sloppy practice that often leaves people impatiently expecting something from me (such as psychic readings), that I might not get around to delivering for a long time.
The FAQs at my professional site, KaiOaty, explain that sometimes delays happen and that I’m capricious and inconsistent in that area of my business, but that doesn’t keep people from forming unreasonable expectations. “Unreasonable?” you may ask. “Yeah,” I say, “it’s not as if they’re actually paying me.” When I accept payment for work and a contractual obligation, I deliver in full measure and on time. That is one reason I like handling the psychic business with “new anarcho-capitalistic” practices, to relieve myself of those obligations. I prefer living without deadlines as much as possible.
But I digress . . . that is not where I was going with this. As I was saying, I manage fairly well not to get disappointed when my family or friends spring surprises on me, although I usually notice and remark upon the odd behavior. You might even say that experience has led me to expect people to behave oddly and surprise me sometimes, but I don’t like admitting to any expectations at all. Whether I like it or not, however, I do form expectations. I suspect it’s part of the normal function of the mammalian brain. Pushing button A brings reward B most of the time, so I jump and yelp when pushing button A gets me an electric shock instead. Enough of those shocks, and I’m less quick to push the button, or I won’t push it at all unless I’m craving a B badly enough to risk the shock, and I brace myself before I push.
I find it easy enough to forgive my family and friends for even the nastiest surprises, and most of the time I even understand how and why these things happen. Where I do not seem to have made any evolutionary spiritual progress at all is in the realm of politics, and also, to a lesser extent, the area of commerce. Products that injure people and/or don’t live up to makers’ claims, medical malpractice, and the gross political malfeasance of the shrub administration piss me off to a degree that causes temporo-mandibular discomfort and loss of tooth enamel. I have tried the forgiveness exercise from A Course in Miracles on dubya, and failed! I look at pictures of him and his co-conspirators and see in them not my fellow beings but ugly alien presences. Mea culpa.
When we discuss politics and other human foibles around here, each of the three of us habitually sees them from a different perspective. Doug has a mostly neutral stance, and since he’s almost never surprised at anything, he is seldom disappointed or appalled, either. Greyfox tends to ascribe most of the crap that happens to human error or stupidity, while I tend to think that there are hidden agendas, nefarious purposes, and ulterior motives involved.
I think that Greyfox is too pessimistic in his view of people as idiots unable to foresee the disastrous consequences of their actions. I give them the benefit of the doubt and suppose that they are getting some sort of short-term payoff for despoiling the planet, committing atrocities upon their fellowman, and making enemies out of former allies. Just call me a cockeyed optimist, but I cannot believe that people are that stupid.
But seriously, this is a complicated matter. My view sometimes causes some people to call me paranoid. I will admit to suspiciousness, but not to paranoia. Paranoia is “characterized by excessive anxiety or fear, often to the point of irrationality and delusion.“ “Simple suspiciousness is not
paranoia–not if it is based on past experience or expectations
learned from the experience of others.“ My experience has taught me that when people say things that are obviously not true, usually they are lying, and that when people lie they usually have something to hide.I don’t condemn people for hiding shit or lying about it, but it does sorta diminish their stature and tarnish their image in my eyes, especially when they tapdance and resort to weasel words when confronted with their crap. I spent enough of my youth feigning a “bumbling idiot” persona to evade responsibility and gain sympathy, that I tend to think that every bumbling idiot is feigning. When the behavior in question is accompanied by a mischievous twinkle in the eye and a self-satisfied smirk or self-righteous tone, I consider my suspicions confirmed.
It has sometimes been fun making amends for pretending stupidity, going to someone and saying, “I’m not as stupid as I seem. I know you were lying to me and I lied to you when I pretended to believe your lies.” In some cases, I have omitted making these amends except in the privacy of my own mind, when it seems certain that the person involved is just not ready for the truth, not ready to abandon the lies and get a good laugh our of our mutual manipulation.
Aw, geez! I just had a giddy thought. Imagine dubya, maybe in a farewell address, saying publicly, “I’m not as stupid as I seem.” Is Amerika ready for the truth?
Comments (14)
Lately both my husband and I have both exhibited a new release when we call each other on a behavior or a stress out moment. We haven’t defended it. We stop amid what ever that was and admit to or move on to process. It’s not like we’ve mapped out a plan, we just get it now. I believe we’ve spent some time inside ourselves to know there’s a lot do be done in there. We revisit the moment just long enough or have deep conversation for in order to know that we’re back in communications. I have no expectations for any of it. It just flows. There is a goodness in that flow and it evolves our relationship as the Ah-ha occurs.
In regards to trust and politics and stupidity and this administration I fail in all positive things to say. I’m still one who bemoans an election year as I will again be a loser because of lack of reality and truth from “we the people”
Long ago, I had a long-distant romance with a cat from up north. He loved visiting me down south because he said that everyone seemed to trust him upon the first meeting. I told him that he hadn’t given them a reason to not trust him. Later he did but that’s a whole other story. Love your words.
more surprising to me would be an admission from ‘the shrub’ outlining exactly how stupid he thinks ”amerika” and the rest of the world actually are
If Bush actually admitted to fooling us into believing he’s dumb, I would be completely shocked. I think he’s exactly as moronic as he appears.
Expecting comments which agree with what is posted is erroneous, too. It’s sad to live in a world where trust is constantly broken, and even the words of loved ones such as “I love you” is nothing compared to actions which speak louder than words. Flattery allowed the fox to eat the crow in Aesop’s Fables.
You said: “Even when something is promised, it may be unwise to trust that it will be delivered. In some cases, trust is absurd, and even hope might be misplaced. If someone makes a promise to me that seems “too good to be true,” I have no right to expect the fulfillment of that promise, and no grounds for resentment if he fails to deliver. I knew better all along. If I make a promise I know I cannot keep, that makes me a lying manipulator, but it does not make me responsible for the disappointment felt by the other party, who chose to form an expectation.”
I honestly believe I am responsible for the disappointment felt by the other party who formed an expectation based on my lying manipulations and flattery. In today’s world, people want to believe so badly they fall prey to the lying machinations of conmen and salespeople promising miracle hair growth, amazing diets, psychic powers, enlarged penis length, greater and expanded sex, miracle memories, etc.
I tend to say things like, “I’ll try,” and, “I’ll do my best.” Having been one of the “fools” who chose to believe in the empty promises of miracle-cures and the “I love you”s of others who merely chose to manipulate me, I choose not to manipulate others in this way. I feel I am VERY responsible for how they feel, for in their ignorance (lack of wisdom) they chose to believe me (the lying manipulator) and so thus I would be responsible, according to your analogy.
I will not manipulate others to the best of my ability, although I know the expectations others place upon me will be unacceptable (which is really what you were getting at, I truly understand), and then I can do what you say and not feel responsible for their disappointment.
However, if I willingly and consciously deceive them, I am responsible for their disappointment.
I trust no words, whether in print or spoken, regardless if they come from the lips of family or friends. People change. Hearts change. Love withers in weak hearts not strong enough to forgo the wane of passion in the domain of companionship/friendship.
Actions speak louder than words.
Thank you for this thought provoking essay on trust!!
@Pen_of_Mjoollnir - From your words here, I infer that you’d probably be disappointed if someone did not respond to you as you expect him to. That’s a lot of power you assume: power over others’ feelings. Do you likewise allow them power over yours?
@SaDiablo - I don’t recall where I read it, but some online news commentator said Bush is a skilled sociopath hiding behind a fool’s mask. Admittedly, there are some even more highly skilled manipulators behind him, putting words in his mouth and ideas in his head, but he does what he does because it suits his purposes, not because he doesn’t know any better.
@SuSu - Hm. I wonder if I could find that article? It sounds interesting! But, even though I agree he’s a manipulator and connives to get what he wants by using others’ expectations, I just don’t see Bush as that intelligent. I’m even more appalled that his not-very-subtle act fooled so many for so long.
Woah – maybe that’s it! I’m equating intelligence with subtlety, and perhaps he just doesn’t care enough to mask his true intentions that well? Or thinks so little of us “common folk” that he doesn’t think he needs to try that hard (which, unfortunately, seems to be mostly true)? Food for thought!
Man, that’s why I like coming here.
@MonkeyProphet - Sorry, that comment was from me. My hubby didn’t tell me he logged in while I was off making lunch.
@SuSu - To be honest, sometimes I am disappointed when someone doesn’t respond how I expect (or trust) them to. Usually, however, perhaps even more often, I am not suprised when people do the unexpected. I have no power over other people’s feelings. Likewsie, I have no power over your feelings. I cannot help how you feel about what I wrote. But I thought (in all honesty) when I began my comment to your post that I didn’t agree with you on one minor point, but as I wrote it out I realized I did agree for the most part. And, for the most part, I do not allow others to have power over my feelings. Still, I am human and often fall. I often write a fictional story in which I think is great, but people will read it and say, “I just don’t get it.” They don’t respond how I expect them to. The same happens in everyday life. I’m okay with that. And, again, thank you for this thought provoking essay on trust.
If Bush ever pulls a Gotcha moment, I will be retching wherever I sit or stand.
I agree with you about trust. It’s usually unfounded and it makes one vulnerable to the pain of unmet expectations. I choose to put my trust in some as a matter of respect and because the rewards of that met trust are great. There are not many instances of this, though. I am both paranoid and gullible. It’s an odd combination.
@SaDiablo - You might be able to find the article by googling “Bush+sociopath”.
I don’t think his intelligence is anything far from average in either direction. He has the craftiness of the classic sociopath, an understanding of what he needs to pretend to be and to believe, in order to get by in the world and manipulate for what he wants from others. Barbara, I have been told, raised him to believe it was his destiny to bring on Armageddon and the Final Judgment. If true, that would explain a lot.
@BoureeMusique - ”both paranoid and gullible,” is indeed an odd combination, but not hard to understand in someone who is naturally honest and trusting. We tend to expect others to be as we know ourselves to be, and learning that others are not as honest as we are doesn’t necessarily turn us dishonest. It can create conflicts just like what you describe there.
@Pen_of_Mjoollnir - Maybe the problem here, if there is a problem, is Mercury Retrograde. I don’t have any feelings, one way or another, about your comments. I do, however, detect an apparent contradiction between, “I honestly believe I am responsible for the disappointment felt by the other party who formed an expectation… ” in the first comment, and, “I have no power over other people’s feelings.” in the second one. This is observation, pure and simple, and does not imply that I attach any particular deeper meaning to the contradiction, or place any judgment on it, or have any emotional reaction to it. I just notice that you appear to be supporting both sides of an issue there.
Lately i can’t believe any politican. They will say what we want to hear even though their intentions are not honorable. This year’s election process has really opened my eyes and i can see past their words.
i am sorry if i have appeared not to read your entries. Some of them i have read when i look at the page that has all the subs on it that were updated. i just haven’t had the time to really devote to reading many of the people i sub to. i will try to do better because i really do enjoy reading what you have to say. hugs