April 29, 2008

• Attachment to Results

  

  Early one morning in the middle of last week, I woke up to find among the comments on my entry of the previous day, one from a dear friend.

  She said:
  If
  your ears were ringing or burning recently, it was in part due to a
  discussion about you.  We were hashing out why you are so damn
  irritating at times.
  My contention was that you have *transcended*
  the need to approach *us* with softness.  Tact.  Gentle, warm &
  fuzzy layers of truth; that you hold up a mirror –

  Thus, it is my belief that when *we* accuse you, or perceive you as
  being something or some way, we are in reality, looking at ourselves.

  You call it like you see it.  If it hurts, annoys or promotes some
  reaction, than I think YOU think you’ve accomplished something.

  And then you watch the pieces fall into place.  That takes an enormous amount of patience, strength and discipline.

  I replied immediately and appended this caveat:  “BTW, it’s early in the morning and I’m not
  fully awake and my blood sugar is low, so I reserve the right to come
  back later and restate all of the above.“  The bare bones of the response I gave at the time are below, revised and expanded for clarity and greater accuracy.
  @BlueCollarGoddess -

  “Gentle, warm &
  fuzzy layers of truth;”  Don’t you mean, “gentle, warm & fuzzy layers of bullshit concealing the truth?”

  “You call it like you see it.  If it hurts, annoys or promotes some
  reaction, then I think YOU think you’ve accomplished something.”

  You
  got part of it, I think, and missed the mark on the rest.  If I manage
  to find the words to say it like I see it, to my satisfaction, I know I have accomplished something. 

  If
  I say it okay but nobody hears me, so what?  It doesn’t diminish my accomplishment, as long as I gave it my best shot and came reasonably close to the truth. 

  Hurt, annoyance, and any such responses are the responsibility of the people making them, and none of my business.   I take responsibility for my feelings, and don’t accept responsibility for anyone else’s.  If I were so unevolved as to take offense at your laying responsibility for your irritation on me and calling me, “damn irritating,” then where would we be?

  If I were setting out to make an impression, to get a response, to elicit a certain feeling, then I would have to accept some responsibility.  I have enough responsibility here, taking care of my own business, not letting other people’s opinions of me puff up my ego or hurt my feelings, so I don’t go around aiming to disturb or offend.  Neither do I go around aiming to please or impress.  Communication and self expression are what I’m doing.

  If
  someone engages me on points of fact, or even points of semantics, and
  a discussion ensues, that’s fun and it can also be instructive — both
  ways.  If I learn something from a discussion I’ve instigated, then I
  have really accomplished something, and I don’t want another person taking credit for what I learn.  It is enough that they take the credit for having stated their facts and made their point and for getting my point if I have successfully made a valid one.

  The point of this exchange is attachment to results.  You assume that I do what I do to achieve a certain result.  In whatever I do, even when I have a goal in mind, perhaps especially when I have a goal in mind, my focus is on doing it, whatever it is I am doing, as well as I can.  When I plant a seed, it is with care and with skill I took care to learn.  I am pleased if the seed germinates, matures, and produces something of value, but I know that crop failures happen and I don’t lay big expectations on that little seed.

  Communication is one of the things I do, one of my specialties.  When I communicate, I concern myself with the process, with my accuracy, truth, coherence, and such, but not with the result.  I may never be as skilled at it as I want to be, but I do it fairly well.  I put a lot of thought and care into it, and love.  Some people don’t feel the love, because their definitions of love are not the same as mine.  Some people expect those who love them to appease and placate them.  They are expecting others to make them “feel good,” and when their expectations are not fulfilled they choose to feel “bad” about it.  No expectations = no disappointments.

  Greyfox often says that some people love to win and others hate to lose.  I don’t have expectations of or attachment to results.  My ego is not invested inthe outcome, so I don’t hate to lose.  I do love to win.  In communication, “winning” is getting my point across, having my facts straight, sending a message that is clear and coherent.  Even when I fail at some part of that, I can still come out a winner if someone gives me clear and accurate feedback so that I can correct my errors.  Then I learn something from the exchange.   That’s a win.

  If someone takes offense at what I’ve said, but can’t dispute the truth of it, they might come back at me with an accusatory or defensive reply.  When that happens, sometimes I just let it go and sometimes an extended exchange of communication results.  My response depends on the situation.  Often, I keep trying to find an acceptable way to state the offensive truth, not to be offensive, but just to communicate, to get the message across.  I don’t chalk up a point for me when somebody gets my point.  It’s a point for them, and nobody loses.

   

  • 10:58 pm
  • 21 Comments