April 2, 2008
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Confronting Denial and Defensiveness
Defense mechanisms of any kind are tricky to confront, because they are unconscious. Telling the average person that he or she is in denial about something is more likely to offend than to inform. Even so, therapists must confront denial and defensiveness, and even if one wants only to be a true friend to someone it is sometimes necessary to stop supporting his pathological behavior.
I have been wrestling with this issue for decades. I do not like the social conventions that encourage people to reinforce their friends’ psychopathology, and make it a faux pas to confront someone’s denial or defensiveness. During the first twelve and a half years of my marriage to Greyfox, I routinely confronted his defensiveness by saying simply, “You don’t need to be defensive about it.”
He hated that. Routinely, he would deny having gotten defensive. I would then point out just where in the conversation he had gotten defensive, what had triggered it, and what he was trying to defend, and he’d then accuse me of trying to “beat a point into the ground.” At some point Doug, who grew up being promptly and consistently confronted for his denial and defensiveness, would enter the discussion, adding his view, which was helpful. In therapeutic confrontations or interventions, it is always helpful to have support.
Greyfox has changed since he stopped drinking. He shows ever more signs of mental health as the years pass. Best of all, he’s not nearly as defensive as he used to be. When he does get defensive, he usually notices it himself without my needing to confront him on it. If I say something to him that triggers a defense, his reply is often, “__*blah blah blah*__, he said, defensively,” accompanied usually by a rueful chuckle. The wit with which he handles it is charming, and the self-awareness it demonstrates is validating as well as heartwarming. The work that Doug and I have put into confronting his bullshit has paid off for all of us.
I confront denial and defensiveness for all my friends and clients, but the rewards there are few and far between. Without close association and continual confrontation, one cannot expect to be very effective. One place where I sorely wish I could confront pathological bullshit is NA meetings. They overflow with psychopathology and I itch to confront it, but the serial monologue format makes it impossible and the unwritten traditions promote acceptance and reinforcement of bullshit, not confrontation.
Considering how little effect my confrontations have most of the time, and the near total lack of appreciation for them, I might be tempted to give it up if not for the simple fact that I am so damned good at it. One of my friends (yes, you, Anam Cara), after almost two decades of infrequent low-key confrontations and being offended and “hurt” by my words, has begun to experience some of the therapeutic effect because, for some reason nobody knows, she kept coming back for more.
I have already written about the therapy group where I got my denial and defensiveness confronted and knocked out of me, and had my life turned around. I don’t need to tell that story again. That’s where I learned the technique, and it was also where I got the other essential trait that makes me so good at doing it. It is one thing to know how to spot defensiveness and confront it, but it is something else entirely to be able to face the consequences.
When a defensive person has his or her denial challenged, usually he or she either withdraws or attacks. The Family Rap group’s Reality Attack Therapy and the Work on Self I did, there and on my own subsequently, gave me the self-esteem and self-confidence to accept rejection without getting my feelings hurt. If the response to my confrontation is attack rather than withdrawal, I can handle that, too, without hostility or anger, without feeling threatened or hurt. At this stage of my development, what I most need to guard against is feeling smug when someone reacts just as I anticipated and predicted.
I’m still working on that.
(A followup to this post and
to feedback it received, is
HERE.)
Comments (18)
I think usually though, if someone is in therapy (assumming it’s voluntary) they have already reached the point of confronting their denial
but I might be mistaken
I know what you mean. People don’t like their stuff brought to light. Sometimes I point out what I see anyway. They deny it. Then months (or years) later, they make the same realization themselves as if it’s a total new revolutionary idea and I have to bite my tongue to keep from screaming, “I told you so!” Life is a strange thing, isn’t it?
You said: “It is one thing to know how to spot defensiveness and confront it, but it is something else entirely to be able to face the consequences.”
Amen.
BTW, I keep coming back because you’re always right. You may not always be “spot on” but you’re right.
I guess I’m lucky because I have a slew of friends who sugar coat the situation when they call me on my shyte — and one who could give a shyte about my shyte.
Yeah. You.
When I don’t need platitudes and “oh honey you tried your freakin’ hardest” — I come to you.
It does cause me to wince, it does cause me to ache in my heart, but I’ve grown to be honest about it NOW.
I say, “Arising of pain because of Kathy’s statement — process.”
It never hurts because you’re wrong.
So there.
Sounds like you’re on the right track.
Defensiveness does seem to be a common human reaction — as if we are protecting who we are instead of being pleased to learn who we could become. I consider it a great gift when someone points out something about me that I am too close to myself to recognize. If one is not learning and growing, one is as good as dead to this beautiful life.
Laughed at your second to last sentence. I believe that it is ok to be at least a little smug, after all, you went through a struggle to learn how to deal with it, can probably recognize it in yourself and the same in others. And aren’t we all on this wonderful journey of life together.
I trry to give people kindness because I think truth is learned on your own. It took me a long time to come to that and only when i realized I had learned virtue by example not sermon.
I went to NA meetings with my brother, it was difficult not to confront people. My Grandfather always said that there is a difference between being right and Dead Right, Dead Right usually gets you on the couch – I think that’s what happens when you confront someone’s B.S.
you know I might not like the message but if you think on it long enough you do get it….I am more ready to admit that I need to work on things as I look at what the message is…I truly hate when people placate me rather then be honest
Good entry.
Would it be horrible if I asked you for psychological help? I mean, I just found out that I exhibit a lot of self-hatred. I think it’s important that I’ve finally figured this out, since I at least know what it’s called, but I know that I’ll probably agonize over this and hurt myself more. I feel like I’m rambling.
Do you have any statements or just ideas that I could try to incorporate into my life so I don’t hate myself so much? It’s really holding me back, and I don’t want it to any longer.
What Sarah said… me, too.
I’m an enabler. I comfort. I console. I do this less now than I used to because I am growing more comfortable in my own understanding of things and can share that, forcefully sometimes, with others. What’s the quotation – something about evil happening when good people do nothing. That’s what I thought of when you talked about the enablers. Interesting.
It’s a good technique but sure is a lot of work. I have enough on my hands keeping my own side of the street clean that I let others worry about theirs and accept that I’m powerless to change them. That’s a 12-step philosophy, of course–but I support whatever works for the individual, and you sound very confident
Therapy (and group therapy) are certainly good places for your technique–I go to one such group also!
Neither my husband or myself are people who “hold back”. We are mirrors for people alot of the time and have friendships that are based on that honesty especially with each other. As is heard in our home quite a lot: “I ‘blankin’ hate it when you’re right. Thanks!” As we challenge each other, we think more, process more and best of all, evolve more. After a while you grow thicker skin and somedays have a sense of humor about it.
@BlueCollarGoddess -
@JennyG -
Is there no escape? I work and Work and WORK to transcend dualistic concepts like “right” and “wrong” and you insist on applying them to me. Do I hafta be right or wrong? Can’t I just be?
Quit yer bitching.
No, you cannot just “be”. You can be right. You can be wrong. You can be somewhere in the middle.
You can be a doorknob too.
You can be whatever you want to be. Just because I label you doesn’t mean you have to accept that you’re right.
Cry baby.
@BlueCollarGoddess -
Yeah, right.
FOFLMAO! Gawd, I love you.