March 12, 2008
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Being Real
There’s a condition or quality called “institutionalization.” It isn’t simply the fact of being in an institution: imprisoned, an inmate in an orphanage, hospital, refugee camp or asylum, for example. It is the state of mind that results from institutionalization. Confinement and enforced routines develop a different set of habits. We learn new ways of channeling our energies, and we lose the habits common to our “normal” counterparts.
I adjusted quickly and easily to my prison experience, because I was preconditioned. Spending much of my childhood confined to a sickroom prepared me for being confined to a cell, which in turn has further prepared me to be confined again in a sickroom. I went through my “climbing the walls” phase very young, and learned coping mechanisms because it was so abhorrent.
My coping mechanisms, as those of almost any institutionalized person, may appear to be indolence. That’s because my activity isn’t primarily outward or physical. At the time when I was sentenced to prison, except for the work I had been compelled to do to survive, and a few activities such as sex and dancing, my activity all had been mental. In prison, I went even more inward. I learned to still my mind meditatively.
The hardest work I do now is remembering. I work at remembering to stop thinking. If I don’t make an effort to just be, my mind churns and buzzes, finds patterns, analyzes them, relates them to other patterns, shifts elements around from one idea to another… unceasingly, unless I remember to just be.
I can either be, or I can relate. When I’m being, I am real but I am not in relation to anyone or anything. When I relate to someone, there is always some interface intruding between that person and me, filtering the reality. Usually, the filter is language. Language is a sucky, pustulent, tortuous interface. I am not myself in words. I am not real when I speak or write, no matter how broad my vocabulary or how strenuous an effort I make at exercising it.
Realizing the inadequacy of language, I value and appreciate having to eat my words. I don’t assume that anyone has understood what I’m saying unless they give me high quality feedback that indicates comprehension. The words, “I understand,” or “That’s true,” are automatically suspect, too facile, too pat, not true feedback at all.
Only when someone picks at some flaw in my logic or zeroes in on some omission or inconsistency and requires me to restate, rephrase, or retract what I said, do I know that they have any idea what I was trying to say. Only when communication has apparently failed do I have even the faintest hope that any real communication has occurred.
Really.
Comments (14)
Well.
You drive a hard bargain then. Some of us just “get it” and do not have to question you.
I have thought that I almost prefer the word “orientation” to relationship. As in “I’m in an orientation and because every other person I’m oriented (related to) is also making constant adjustments it’s a daily reorientation.” And it can be so tiring trying to relate all that to who I am and what I’m doing.
The team of people at my company trying to all figure out who to throw the ball to, how to watch for it coming and when to shoot for the basket is the worst group of communicators I’ve ever been a part of. Anytime I hear “I understand” in response to what I’ve said, I get that sinking frustrated feeling. I’ve come to think of “i understand” as being the boss equivalent of putting fingers in ears, running in circles and saying, “I’m not listening, I’m not listening.”
I’ve been thinking a lot about what you’ve written about your prison experiences because an acquaintance of mine is very likely to be arrested soon. He’s involved in a fraud situation and it looks like he’s commited a minumum of 3 Class III Felonies.
The evidence is clear, from signatures to videotapes. And he’s got a prior offense on his record, so I’m pessimistic about his chances of avoiding prison.
I see what his actions have cost his family. I see what his actions have cost his victims. And I have a sense of grief about the choices he’s made that have him facing a prison sentence. I know there are worse things, maybe, but this seems a pretty dismal set of circumstances for a very bright and personable young man to have chosen.
This is a powerful blog, Susu.
Think people use the words of “I understand” or “that’s true” more as a something to say cause they don’t know what else to say and they feel they better say something and it better be postitve….I use it more as a support when someone is communicating an issue so they know that I heard them, they are not alone and I do understand and empathize with the issue or that I see their point of view and they do have a valid argument for what ever topic is being discussed, although I do believe it can be over used and it does not always mean I agree either…as far as quieting ones mind and relaxing…some of the best ways I have found is to recite something I have memorized before I sleep or to listen to what I consider white noise, Usually the TV as I find it not very mentally stimulating and it is easy to stop thinking when it is playing
When I was sick those 8 or 9 months in 2002 I learned the bliss of just being. I am coming around to that place again. My soul needs the rest. I am still a “human doing” and it is reflected in my writing, that I don’t know what to “do” with myself…but I can feel that peace stealing across me once again. I am sick in a different sort of way. Same difference.
Really!
“slaps a high five with the Universe”
That’s true, I understand.
I see alot of institutionalized souls in my work… to me, it’s sad because they’re just children. Then again, they’re children that will likely spend their adult lives incarcerated, so perhaps it is a good thing?
I’m not sure I could do well, locked in a cell… maybe. I do tend to crawl into my brain alot and can occupy myself fairly easily, mentally. I’m just not sure if I could do that day after day after day. I might go inside myself and not come back out…
My brain never stops either… I’ve been especially active internally lately. I’ve had some of the most overwhelmingly vivid and meaningful dreams lately too… Sometimes I go with it… Sometimes I work harder on just being. I can’t decide which strategy is most beneficial for what I want to do with myself and my brain so I just switch back and forth when one way gets too difficult for whatever reason.
I never was good at the institutional thing. I was a disaster in the school system. I don’t do well when I’m supervised too closely no matter what I’m doing. I think I’m too conscious of the mindset of the watcher… I’ve been hearing more of other people’s thoughts lately too – responding verbally and automatically to the thoughts of those around me.
Yeah… that kind of freaks people out. Have you ever had that problem?
@quiltnmomi -
I’ve come to think of “i understand” as being the boss equivalent of
putting fingers in ears, running in circles and saying, “I’m not
listening, I’m not listening.”
Exactly!
Re: your felonious friend, our criminal justice system is ineffective and unjust. Incarceration does have an effect on criminal activities, but it doesn’t stop them. One of the biggest divisions in our society, at least as great as any related to race or wealth, is between those who have never been in jail and those who are or have been.
If he goes to prison, it will change his life. The nature of the change is hard to predict. The meat grinder of the court system, even if it results in probation or acquittal, can derail careers, wreck relationships… it’s almost enough to make a person law-abiding… almost.
@oceanstarr -
“I’ve been hearing more of other people’s thoughts lately too -
responding verbally and automatically to the thoughts of those around
me.
Yeah… that kind of freaks people out. Have you ever had that problem?”
Uh huh, some people do freak out when I answer their unasked questions. I feel fortunate in that my family accepts that as just being how I am.
If it is happening more for you now than previously, I would guess that there has been a change in your brain chemistry. Recently, HappyHeathen supplied a piece of information that fit in with things I had read or gotten from other sources, about the antagonistic roles of adrenaline and acetylcholine. More adrenaline=less empathy/telepathy while more acetylcholine=enhanced memory, empathy/telepathy.
Adele Davis in her series of book on nutrition, many years ago, connected prolonged or severe hypoglycemia (low blood sugar) with adrenal exhaustion, which would result in more acetylcholine in the brain.
Personally, I don’t think it’s anything to freak out about.
Personally i don’t like to follow the ‘herd’ in thinking. i don’t want to be one of those mindless people who have the same routine day in and day out. It gets boring for me. But no matter how much i try to not do the same things each day in the same way, i end up doing more of it instead of less. Sometimes it is less hassle to just do as i have always done because i can’t think of something different. There are days in which doing the same things as the day before is good because i don’t want to be creative due to lack of energy. It is something to fall back on. But then that tends to be how my life goes each day if i don’t ‘wake up’ and do different.
@SuSu -
I meant to thank you earlier for the info. I’ve been fasting a lot lately. I’ve noticed that I think more clearly and can meditate much better among other things when I’m starving. That explains why I quit eating when I am seeking answers.
do, be — easier to say than understand, but maybe they can ‘be’ the same, or simultaneous
I too struggle with the idea/belief that my words and thoughts as presented are not entirely what ‘is’, but do not agree that one is not real when one speaks or writes. Whatever real might be, all may be part, or so I think…
@llibra -
Your comment brought this thought to me (or as close to the thought as these words can come to expressing it): I am SO VERY glad that my mental landscape is so very much richer than the language in which I am forced to try to express it.