January 5, 2008
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Warning: WHINING
I am writing this propped in bed, laptop on lap, dog curled up beside me. Lately, I have spent so little time at the other computer, the one that connects to the web, that surfing Xanga feels like getting back to school or to a job after a long vacation.
Each day that I feel up to it, I check in on four or five of the Xanga sites to which I’ve subscribed. That displays to me how far behind I have fallen, without really bringing me up to date. I just get a tiny glimpse at what is running through someone’s mind at the time. With some people, it’s okay because there’s not that much continuity to their blogging anyway. With others, I feel disoriented and strange… as a stranger, foreign, out of touch, not weird or bizarre strange. It doesn’t take being out of touch to make me feel eerily strange. That’s my normal state of being.
Some days, I check messages. Some days I read my latest comments. I seldom have the stamina to stay up there long enough to do both. One day since I got home from hospital, I opened comments in my feedback log and read everything back to the last thing I remember before that ambulance ride to town. I ended up wishing I hadn’t, because there were several of the kind of comments to which I used to enjoy responding because they were so absurd and/or off-base. Now I lack the energy for that.
I’m not saying I didn’t get the urge to correct their misconceptions or take up the challenge to a battle of wits. I would have to be either dead or a lot more highly spiritually evolved than I am, before I stop getting that urge. I just don’t have the energy. I know that I couldn’t do the effort justice. I tried to make Jello today, since I couldn’t interest Doug in making some yesterday. I went in the kitchen, but gave in to the shaky legs and vertigo before I’d even made my way through the clutter, to the pantry. Clutter is the normal state around here, even when I am relatively well and able. But without my continually picking up and straightening things as I move through the house, it has grown to a startling and disheartening mess. Doug steps over the messes he and the cats have made, or kicks them out of his way. I caught myself dreading the task I have ahead of me when I get well enough to tackle it. That’s no way to facilitate my recovery. I must watch such thoughts.
Greyfox has commented several times recently on my forgetfulness and absentminded blunders. I had not been aware of anything extraordinary, not more so than usual. I asked Doug, and he said he hasn’t noticed anything, either. Now I’m wondering whether Greyfox is imagining things, or if Doug is just inattentive. If I am more absentminded than usual, or am extraordinarily non compos mentis, I suppose I have adequate cause, but it’s difficult for me to quantify such things. Being brain foggy is nothing new to me.
There are some things that I recognize to have recently worsened, such as a much greater number of transpositions as I type, and the difficulty I have in finding the word to express what I’m thinking. None of that is new, and it is all easily attributable to M.E./fibromyalgia, but in the aggregate these new or more severe symptoms represent the biggest flareup I have ever had –if that is what this is, if it’s not something else. I’m getting more cautious about just writing off every new or particularly bothersome symptom to the M.E. now, since I mistook the onset of pneumonia last September for an M.E. flareup.
Physically, I’m extremely uncomfortable. Legs keep falling asleep, eyes fill with sticky tears that blur my vision, throat is sore… nothing new in that, just the same old fibro crap. My mental and emotional discomfort all relates to the severity of these old chronic symptoms and the persistence of the more acute respiratory symptoms. I’m often overcome with an urge to hop out of bed and get busy, but the best I can do is crawl out of bed, totter across the room, limp back, and creep into bed again. As I realized just a short while ago, I have emotions similar to those I had during the early days of my incarceration almost forty
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years ago, when my lack of freedom first really sank in. Not that I am just itching to get housework done. I’d rather go dancing, but right now either ambition is futile. I think I’ll just save this, take the disk over to the other computer and post it, then work on staying hydrated, and read a book, unless my eyes go all wonky on me.
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change?
This is my begging hat. It is
a link to PayPal. If you haven’t read the story of why I’m begging, my recent ambulance ride and hospitalization, it is there to be found in my blogs from December. If you would like to contribute, but prefer not
to use PayPal, my husband has posted his mailing address at
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Comments (15)
Ah ,I am sorry that you have to go thru that! I pray that you feel better soon and that you fing comfort and healing.
just take it slow you were a very sick lady you are not going to be back to your normal self in a week…although I take it as a good sign your whining about stuff now…
And if you can’t whine to us, who can you whine to? (umm… “to whom can you whine”?) Doug is busy with his own schedule, and Greyfox has the old NPD bogeyman. We’re willing to listen. It’s not like whining is the best thing you do. Far from it! You’ll get better as time goes on and be able to deal with it all. Take your time. You need the rest.
Miracles do happen, and I hope one finds you, and heals you!!
I hope that you feel more yourself soon.
i’m sitting here laughing at g correcting her grammar. look at us…minding our p’s and q’s in susuville even when you’re too tired to point out our obvious errors.
there are worse things than being in bed with a laptop and dog offering heat. but! i hope your strength rebuilds itself soon so that you can get back to what you want and/or need to do.
and back to setting us straight.
oh and i’m sorry…but this [what you wrote] is nowhere close to whining. take it from me. the whine/cheese queen of the world!
I thought we were supposed to whine on here. LoL! I do my fair share, and probably someone else’s share. I hope you continue to improve; get better.
I just got finished catching up. I’ve had similar experiences with the hospital staff that I really don’t care much for most of them. There’s some that I really like, but I can’t stand “attitudes”. I think you know what I mean.
I wish you well.
Even in a fog you convey a sense of clear vision that most bloggers will never achieve. Hoping for a steady warm wind soon to blow that fog away.
Honey … oh soul sister, whine to your hearts content. It’s about freakin’ time. sheesh …
Wishing you energy, precious energy…
I think that as sick as you are/have been, it’s perfectly normal for you to be a little less ‘with it’ mentally.
I certainly think you have a few reasons to whine and even when you whine, you’re a pleasure to read and sometimes I’m there with you. Take care. Your spring will be here soon!
do you know anything about the amero
You know what to do to get your self back on your own two feet, my best to you and your recovery.
OK, we haven’t heard from you in 5 days. I hope this doesn’t mean there has been a setback. Take care.