December 28, 2007

• Returning to Normal

  UPDATED
   BELOW

  Things around our households (Greyfox’s and mine, the dual bases of our family, at opposite ends of this big valley) are getting back to what we laughingly refer to as “normal” for us.  Laughter is part of that return to normal.  For the first time since my hospitalization, in last night’s phone conversation Greyfox laughed, joked, and let himself be distracted and amused by his cats’ behavior as we were talking.

  Before I went into the hospital, as my condition worsened, he referred several times to his observation that I was “taking” the situation “better” than he was.  I did not understand what he meant by that, because he was not overtly overly concerned with my worsening condition.  His expressed concerns were as self-involved as usual — usual for his “recovering” self, not as intensely and exclusively self-involved as when his NPD was in full expression.  In retrospect, I think he considered my illness terminal, expected me to die, and thought that I did, too.  That might explain his perception that I was “taking” it exceptionally well, when what I was actually doing was trying to stay focused on survival and self-healing.

  He visited me once in the hospital and while there said several times how “stunned” he was at my decision to call the EMTs and go to the ER.  I know that I have never once said that I would rather die than go to the hospital, but I think that was what he thought.   I am sure that at that time he was focused on the expense of my trip to the hospital, and I guess it triggered his economic insecurity.  Everything he said to me during that visit, his body language and the feelings he was projecting, expressed disappointment that I had chosen to call 911 and live rather than dying at home with my son looking on helplessly.

  As he was leaving, I pointed out that it was infra dig to be so obvious about his disappointment that his spouse had survived a crisis.  We both know that money is the most important thing in life to him, and has been for at least all his adult life.  Only recently have spiritual matters gained any importance for him, and human relations remain problematic as can be expected for a pathological narcissist.

  His attitude was somewhat troubling to me, mostly because it indicated that he had slipped back from his spiritual focus into fear and NPD mode.  It didn’t hurt my feelings.  If my feelings were prone to be hurt by such things, I’d have been in dire trouble in this relationship from the start.  At the time, I had other things on my mind, predominately the adverse reaction I was experiencing to some of the medication I’d been given, and the necessity for zeroing in on which drug had caused it.  I could spare him enough of my consciousness, as his therapist, to mildly confront his narcissism.  My main concern was my own survival and recovery.

  After the doc told me what accommodations I would need at home — since it’s too close in here for a wheelchair or walker, it involves strategically placed seats so I can rest and catch my breath as I move about — I phoned home and asked Doug to set things up.  I had thought it through, and was able to give him concrete instructions about where and how to place seats and what to use.  At that time, it was uncertain if I’d be released that day or the next.  His growled response was that if I was to come home that day (this call was made in early morning), it, “wouldn’t get done,” because he was going back to sleep.

  I had to come to terms with the knowledge that through my illness I had become a pain in the ass to my son and a burdensome expense to my husband.  Then, of course, I had to tell them that I recognized and understood their feelings.  Doug was feeling guilty for having feelings he didn’t think he “should” have, so after I came home we had several conversations about feelings being what they are and “should” being a null concept.  Nobody knows just what Greyfox was feeling about his feelings, least of all himself.  His mind doesn’t bend to such contortions as examining his feelings in that way, he says.

  Now that I can get out of bed and move around without being desperately short of breath, I can start trying to be less of a burden to Doug.  I have been trying to think of ways to become less of a financial burden to Greyfox, as well.  I can do psychic readings, but since Xanga’s revised terms of use eliminated Coyote Medicine’s Klinic as a commercial venture, I’m without a venue in which to work.  Greyfox says he’s not too proud to beg, and thereby implies that I am.  I am not.  We have received a couple of contributions from Xangans already, and any others will be gratefully accepted.

  Spare change?

  UPDATE:
  It was pointed out to me that it does no good to ask for help and not tell people where to send it.  While I know that this is not strictly true, since I have already received some responses nevertheless, I will point out here, as Greyfox did in a comment to this entry, that he has published his mailing address at ArmsMerchant Xanga site.   For those who are not familiar with my old purple hat, or who did not think to roll their mouse over it, I will point out that the hat is a link to PayPal.  …aaand– HEY!  It is all right to comment on this entry, even if you don’t contribute to the cause.
  

  • 1:56 pm
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