September 13, 2007

• Suckered!

  Fifty percent of Americans polled recently said they believed that weapons of mass destruction had been found in Saddam’s Iraq.  In fact, no WMDs have been found, and no convincing evidence has turned up to indicate that they ever existed there.  I mention this only to introduce my topic:  how do people feel when they learn that they have been deceived?

  I don’t suppose there is one universal answer to that question.  I have learned that people differ in their beliefs regarding the importance of honesty and truthfulness, and even in how they define those words.  I seem to be in the minority in my conviction that truth and accuracy are always important.  Many people think it is not only acceptable, but actually preferable to telling the truth, to lie to children about such things as Santa Claus and where babies come from.  There are people who regularly and habitually tell lies, who feel betrayed and become angry when someone lies to them.  There are parents who teach their children, by their example, to lie and then punish them for lying.  Other parents punish children for telling unpleasant or inconvenient truths or revealing their secrets.  None of that makes sense to me, so I’m weird.

  Some people don’t object to “little white lies” about insignificant matters, while others think it makes no sense to lie about something unless it really matters. Some lie impulsively and capriciously while others are calculated and Machiavellian in their deceptions.  A number of factors can influence a person’s attitude toward factual reporting and full and honest disclosure.  These include, but are not necessarily limited to, religion, culture, parental programming, life experience, and astrology.  Some signs are more likely to be liars than others, and each of them for different reasons.   Sex matters, too:  men are more likely to lie to make themselves look better, while women lie more to avoid hurting others’ feelings and being rejected.

  Some cultures accept nudity and sexual openness, while concealing things such as financial circumstances.  Some cultures that tend to keep physical bodies under wraps think nothing of men and women openly weeping and publicly displaying grief, a sight that appalls and repels members of some other cultures.   America has long been a confusing melange of these traditions, and almost everywhere in this era of global culture we can find conflicts over what to reveal and what to conceal. 

  I personally have a problem with determining where to stop.  My memoirs are loaded with detail, much of it more or less irrelevant but maybe interesting, while some of the really relevant stuff in terms of its impact on my life might not be at all interesting to a reader.  Since I know that I don’t know what other people might find relevant or interesting, I tend to err on the side of inclusion.  This makes for a long story. 

  Another problem of mine is in reconciling (so that others might understand – no such reconciliation is necessary in my own mind) the fact that while I unconditionally will not knowingly deceive my child, for example, I find it acceptable in some cases for anyone to lie under oath in a court of law, my reason being that in my reality, “so help me God,” is a phrase without meaning and governments and courts usurp authority that is not naturally theirs, while parents lying to their children betrays their trust and warps their minds.

  I had some interesting discussions of that last idea with a friend who is half Rom and half gadjo (gypsy and non-gypsy, for those who don’t understand the Romany terms).  His Euro-American mother married a Rom.  He was cross-enculturated and as a result of that is willing to reveal a lot more about gypsy culture than one would who had only their strong enculturation to secrecy.  He cited the example of his father, who would occasionally during his youth, out of nowhere and for no reason at all, knock the kid down.  He said it was to keep him alert and teach him to trust no one.  My friend also said that he would not do such a thing to his own children.  He hated his father and made it a point to expose all the gypsy “secrets” he knew.

  My tendency is to keep other people’s secrets while having none of my own.  On the one hand, professional ethics are involved and I need the trust of my clients.  Some of the things I know about acquaintances and friends could imperil their lives or freedom if revealed, so I choose not to reveal them.  For myself, all my “deepest, darkest secrets,” the things that stain my reputation and cause some people to scorn me, are criminal matters of public record for the most part, and otherwise are simply things of which other people might be ashamed but I am not.  I accept the maxim of twelve-step programs that, “We are only as sick as our secrets.”

  Being duped is troublesome to me.  It arouses a mix of unpleasant feelings.  I don’t know whether to blame myself for believing or the liar for telling the lie.  “No blame, no shame,” is another principle I accept as a healthy alternative to the normal cultural bullshit of blaming and shaming, so eventually in every such case I manage to let the whole incident go… or at least I do if the liar confesses or the lying stops.  Ongoing institutional deception and misinformation from governmental sources and religious authorities continues to piss me off.  For now, it’s just something I have to live with.  Maybe I’ll get a handle on it someday, before I die.  If not, I may have to come back next time as a liar so I can see how it feels.  I think I’d rather just die.
  

  • 2:15 pm
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