July 28, 2007
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Words, dammit!
I’m often not sure I know what people mean by what they say, and I’m often pretty sure that they don’t know what I mean by what I say. So I ask questions, and I rephrase what I say when my words appear to have been misconstrued. Maybe it would help if I’d define my terms beforehand, but I never really know before the fact which words are going to cause the problems.
Irony is the result of reality’s not having turned out the way one expects it to. It is a feeling born of expectations and logical projections. As a literary device, it provides twists and surprise endings to stories that might otherwise be trite and meaningless. It can be, and has been, overused to the point where literary irony is often trite.
My last two posts, about the first time my first husband dumped me, and my analysis of his behavior, had irony on top of irony. Prissy didn’t see the irony in my choosing to explain “Ford’s” behavior in non-judgmental terms, but she found it ironic that I saw irony in it where she didn’t. Now that’s irony.
Prissy also used a different word than I did, one I would not use, to describe what I was doing there. She said what I did was to, “defend,” him. This comment from butterflyxlife also, I think, misconstrues my intent:
“I also find it ironic that you would rationalize your ex-husband’s behavior…”
In my lexicon, defensiveness and rationalization are forms of psychopathology in which I do not knowingly indulge. Denial is another one of those pathologies I do my best to avoid, so when someone accuses me of defensiveness or rationalization, I ask myself if that is what I’m doing. I get tough with myself about this shit. That’s the only way I can maintain my mental health. Mental health is probably more important to me than it is to most people who have physical health. The way I figure it, I gotta have some kinda health, and if I keep my spirit, karma, emotions, and intellect in shape it makes it a lot easier and more pleasant to live in this body.I have thought about it, and I have concluded that I had no intention to defend that man. I was just responding to comments. I felt that all the anger and outrage being expressed was inappropriate to the circumstances. Anger and outrage, in general, never serve anyone. Blame and shame are shit our society could well do without. I’m certainly not blaming the women who focused their wrath on my ex. I find them as easy to understand and forgive as he is. I’m just not generally inclined to let bullshit slide, so I responded.
As I continue with the story, it will become evident how I reacted at the time. Those initial reactions were very different from my current perspective on long ago events. My feelings toward that man, my mother, and many other people whom I had perceived as having hurt me, went through a series of changes as my perception of reality changed. I moved away from judging people and using pejorative labels for them. I began to see choices and behaviors as the problems. I am still involved in the process of accepting people as they are and learning to understand their pathological behaviors. I used to think that some people were “bad” and others were “good.” I now recognize that dualistic oversimplification for the bullshit it is.
Comments (11)
Accepting people as they are, I cannot fully accept society as it is. For me, given people as I know them, society should be much more benevolent to all. Behavior can be pathological, but the playground can be diabolical.
I find your perspective especially helpful today.
How’s your book?
I just hoped to clarify, that I had no intention to accuse (in my meaning to charge with a fault or offense) you of rationalization. Rather I’ve always thought of it as a healthy defense mechanism when used properly. I’ve always found it interesting how words have so many different meanings to different people. Your blogs are always enlightening and I learn something in each one.
Time is a powerful tide.
There’s no rationalization or defense in the statement of facts. My father did horrible things to my mother before she left him when I was three. I know all the stories. Just because she’s told me of them doesn’t mean she meant it as a defense.
I like the way you write, and I see your stories as an autobiography, rather than a defense of your former husband. It is in writing about ourselves that we discover through word who we were and who circumstance has made us. If you had never met your ex, you would be a completely different person. It is up to you to decide if you like who you are or regret the person his actions have made you. If you do like yourself (which I think you do), then his actions become positive, despite the repulsion I think we all feel towards him for what he put you through. He may not be a nice person or someone any of us would want to associate with, but that doesn’t mean that his casual cruelties when you were younger haven’t made you a stronger and more insightful person now. Even negative experiences can turn out to be positive in the long run.
Of course Ford would have been a reflection of society’s prevailing attitude to women at that time. Also he was only 16!!!
I am grateful that you share your experiences, they allow me to learn, relate, and heal – that is why I thanked you for sharing your story. You write like you’re having an intimate conversation with friends, it’s lovely – even when the stories are filled with pain and sadness.
I think that many of us have moments in our lives that when/if we tell people about them they wouldn’t blame us for being depressed, destructive, or worse – but in that moment we have the chance to move on or give in to the pain, sadness, hurt (or whatever) and just sit in it without doing anything – but we don’t we go on when most people wouldn’t, because that’s what we do. We continue to grow, to be more than the day before.
Thanks for the birthday wishes! I hope you had a great weekend.
You know, it never occurred to me that you would be rationalizing or defending him in any way. I figured that working out what had happened was a means of finding a sort of peace with the events. *shrug* It’s what I’ve had to do in regards to a number of relationships in my life in order to let go of various hurts caused by them. I’m still not 100% at peace with various things, but I’ve definitely come a long way from where I started.
Being a 19 year old, i try to see people, and the world in somewhat the same way that you do. I think everyone analyzes past situations as they get older, and see them in a different light in which they didnt realize at the time of the event.
I also try to explain myself, ask questions, re-phrase the point im trying to get across, just as much as i ask others questions and try to understand the point they are trying to make.
Im young, i know that. But, i feel more perceptive than most. Or at least i think i do. I feel what others feel…. embarassment, happiness, sorrow… all of those things. Even when im watchin a television show, or something as small as a commericial. It really affects me sometimes. Even to the point of animals. Im very empathetic.
Anyways enough of me rambling on about my self. The point is, i like reading your posts. Although there may be an age gap between us i feel like we are not much different in some ways. =]
ryc,, i go back and read your last few comments tome and wonder if u are sensing somethinng that doectors are not,,, we all know u are the one that gives me that slap when needed…lol… are u trying to tell me something?? hugs