November 6, 2006

• Lying Conspiracies

  This is a rant, but not a political rant.  After I started thinking about the
  subject, I could see where these little interpersonal games I was
  thinking about get expanded into culture-wide conspiracies, too.

  The conspiracies I have in mind are the kind that occur between
  lovers and among families and friends.  They can be seen both
  publicly and privately.  Almost everyone involved in them will, if
  challenged, either profess innocence or proclaim that the lies they
  tell are more virtuous than the truth.  The only circumstances in
  which I have found people willing to level with themselves and others
  about such “polite” interpersonal dishonesty has been among those in
  recovery from addiction or mental illness.  Everyone else is too
  immersed in the illness to cop to it.

  What I mean, of course, is the way in which people tend to tell other
  people what they think the others want to hear.  It is thought of
  as being “nice,” being “polite,” “supportive,” or even “comforting.”
    Is my meaning still not clear?  How about a few examples?

  I don’t know if this particular game that I learned in my youth still
  goes on, but I suspect that it might be older than civilization and as
  au courant as can be.  A young woman, if young enough, might try
  to make her new lover believe he is her first.  If she doesn’t
  think she can pull that off, she will tell him he is the
  best.   Whether her heart is truly in it, she will flatter
  him with praise of his strength, intelligence, taste, and other
  attributes, especially those in which he might be insecure or deficient.

  Men in general have a well-earned reputation for both flattery and
  deception in pursuit of sexual partners.  They might speak of love
  and even marriage, even if the former is a foreign concept only vaguely
  grasped and the latter is nowhere in the man’s plans.  Sex is not
  the only thing that men angle for, and their tactics for obtaining what
  they want can be as various and nefarious as those of any woman. 
  Both sexes angle for approval by professing approval, for affection by
  giving affection, for praise by giving praise.

  And, of course, those things happen in other relationships besides
  those of mating pairs.  The tactics through which families, social
  clubs, professional organizations, large political groups, and smaller
  groups of poker pals, fishing or hunting or drinking buddies, gaggles
  of girlfriends, twelve-step groups of all sorts, and users of social
  networking websites reinforce each other’s fantasies are many and
  various.  What they have in common is deception, and for many
  people they are often overlain with a layer of denial that allows one
  to evade feeling guilty for his or her lies.  Herd mentality, the
  belief that “everyone is doing it,” aids the peace of mind for those
  who are less adept at denial.

  Relationships based on deception are, by definition,
  dysfunctional.   Dysfunctional people will choose
  relationships where their treasured delusions are reinforced over
  healthier relationships where they are confronted with reality they
  prefer to deny.  The degree of potential harm to those in such
  relationships depends on the degrees of dysfunction of those involved.

  One example, an extreme one with which I have some experience, is the
  pathological narcissist and the people with whom he surrounds
  himself.  Those with NPD, narcissistic personality disorder,
  require more than the normal amount of reinforcement for their
  delusions.  Their grandiose self-concept must be fed by the
  approval and admiration of others, and they will be as appeasing,
  ingratiating, and “nice” as necessary to attract admirers.  At
  first, they put a new admirer on a pedestal, which can bond a
  vulnerable person of weak self-esteem to the narcissist so that when
  the narcissist turns on her (most Ns are male, most of their victims
  female, but the opposite pattern is not unknown) and devalues her, she
  will seek even harder to gain his acceptance.  Both participants
  in this pathological dance can be unconscious of the pathology, both
  believing that it is just “normal”, especially if they have come from
  family or social backgrounds where it was common.

  Narcissists also attract other narcissists, “inverted” narcissists or pilot fish,
  who may lack the charisma, power, money, or social engineering skill to
  attract victims, and instead will ingratiate themselves with a
  narcissist and bask in the reflected glory.  Think of the plain or
  unattractive high school girl who hangs around with the bitchy but
  popular prom queen, or the roadie-toady who takes orders and abuse from
  the rock star and enjoys the various perks from that association.

  A similar pathology exists in a less obvious form among groups of 
  “friends” who simply commiserate with each other over the rough spots
  in their lives.  It might be a woman who assures her girlfriend
  that each of the series of men who rejected her was a cad and
  worthless.  This “friend” may be aware of behavior or attitudes of
  the woman that were instrumental in the breakups of those
  relationships, but she is too “polite” or “concerned” or “supportive”
  to tell her friend about it, or the friend might have made it clear
  that she doesn’t want to hear anything but supportive pap from her
  friends.  Thus the friend never receives the honest feedback she
  might need to alter her behavior, and is likely to continue the series
  of short-lived dysfunctional partnerships.

  This is a very common form of dishonesty and most of those who do it
  tend to think of it as a virtue of self-restraint.  The
  psychosocial damage done by those who are afraid to hurt their
  friends’ feelings by telling them the truth is incalculable. 
  After all, if one pulls a friend’s cover, might that friend not reject
  one, or possibly reciprocate and point out one’s own responsibility for
  one’s mistakes?  If that were to happen, then one would have to
  rethink one’s own self-delusion and transcend some pathology
  herself.  People who for various reasons opt not to tell
  those close to them the unpleasant truth, or who refuse to accept some
  friendly honesty, can thereby become the
  enablers of addictions and fosterers of destructive or self-destructive
  behaviors of all sorts. 

  If you  have a friend who wants you to comfort her with lies or to
  support her delusions with false agreement, do her a favor by not doing
  her that favor.  People
  cannot be destroyed by telling them the truth.  Illusions can be
  dispelled with truth.  Pathology can be healed by facing the
  truth.  If you don’t think you are strong enough or brave enough
  to be honest with your friends, then you need to be honest with
  yourself about the kind of friend you have chosen to be:  a false
  friend.  If you need help with that, look here for a place to start.

  AND… VOTE!  Vote your conscience and your principles, not your fears.
   

  

  • 9:43 pm
  • 8 Comments