April 30, 2006

• FRUSTRATION

  I’m not perfect, dammit!  I’m not even a perfect perfectionist,
  because I have learned to accept some of my more obvious and less
  debilitating flaws.  I have actually grown comfortable with many
  of my internal conflicts, such as that between the inner voice that
  insists it must KNOW, must “go and find out” everything, and the laid
  back one who smiles and thinks that some convenient working hypotheses
  and a mystery or two are quite acceptable, especially when the body is
  weary and the mind is more attracted to diversion than to challenge.

  Some of the most challenging conversations I have had have been with
  myself.  I don’t know anyone else who will stick with a discussion
  or debate like I can, with such intense focus and varied arguments, and
  without resorting to defense mechanisms, meaningless redundancy, ad
  hominem insult, or violent attack.  It has been a long, tough
  road, getting to where I can question myself pitilessly and answer
  fearlessly.  Just as tough, has been learning the lesson that I
  must confine that pitiless questioning to myself, because nobody else I
  have ever met can meet my questioning as fearlessly as I do.

  Years ago, I challenged myself to stop thinking, speaking and writing
  in terms such as “good” versus “bad” and “right” versus “wrong.” 
  I had been through too many situations in which everything felt just
  fine until it all went to shit, and had seen things happen that
  everyone involved would have called “bad,” which eventually turned out
  to have had some positive and productive results. 

  In many cases, it is just too soon to judge whether something is good
  or bad, and in other cases it will never be possible to correctly and
  unconditionally judge a complex situation as right or wrong.  In
  life there are legitimate conflicts of interest, moral ambiguities, and
  unseen influences or effects, to be considered.  As sweet as it
  might seem to a lazy mind, to make absolute judgments, often the effort
  of holding those judgments involves wearing blinders, denying reality
  and lying to oneself and to others.  I won’t do that.

  When I was told that life’s purpose was to learn to transcend fear and
  practice unconditional love, that thought resonated with me.  I
  started working on it.  Along the way, I started working on
  transcending belief, questioning everything.  I know that I have
  come a long way.  All I have to do is think back to how I used to
  be.  Wow, have I come a long way!

  The last time anything really scared me was almost a year and a half
  ago when, first, a moose was stomping my dog in the front yard, and
  then after Doug killed the moose and we butchered it, there was all
  that blood out there mixed with the snow.  I knew it could attract
  a bear, and I knew that since the cats can push our front door open it
  wouldn’t slow down a bear. 

  Even now, I don’t like the thought of being eaten by a bear, but I’m
  not afraid of it.  Part of that is “transcendence,” convincing
  myself that the fear was counterproductive.  Another part of it
  was moving my .357 mag and Doug’s .44 mag (both Ruger revolvers) to
  more accessible locations.  Transcendence is very effective
  against groundless fears.  For the others, preparedness works.

  This process of growth and transcendence can’t happen all at
  once.  The part that can and must be once-and-for-all, the
  formation of the clear intention, the commitment to my course, is
  done.  The rest of it comes bit by bit, day by day.  The
  character flaw on which I am working today (and yesterday and probably
  tomorrow) is impatience.  It’s a form of intolerance, not just of
  my own limitations, but the ignorance, denial, stupidity, duplicity and
  bullshit I perceive around me.

  I was discussing a recent incident with Greyfox today.  It
  involved accusations against me that I know to be false, and veiled
  threats that I felt were empty, mere attempts to scare me.  Not
  relying only on my own thoughts and feelings, I asked an oracle and
  talked it over with Greyfox.  The oracle confirmed the baseless
  nature of the accusations (as I knew) and (as I suspected) the lack of
  any intention to follow through on the threats.  I was still
  annoyed, feeling intolerant of the person’s unjust accusations and the
  effort to shake me up.

  Most of all, I was frustrated at myself for allowing even that mild annoyance to disturb my wa. 
  I’m glad I talked it over with Greyfox, because he supplied the idea
  that let me settle my mind.  He said that there have been people
  on the forums he frequents who have attacked him, who have come back
  later and told him they were loaded when they made those
  statements.  This resonated so well with what I know about the one
  who was toying with me, that I was able to let it go.  It made
  sense.

  Next step:  not having to work things out and let them go — not “picking up” anything I need to let go.

  

  • 9:54 pm
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