January 30, 2006

• How I Feel About My Feelings

  Several factors determine the extent of a person’s control over how she feels.  Feelings themselves don’t originate from a single source.  If people can’t agree on a single definition for just one emotion such as “love”, then it is obvious that we are going to have difficulty agreeing on a definition of “emotion.”  Having read widely in the fields of psychology, metaphysics, semantics and semiotic, I have encountered many definitions for emotion and feeling.

  My favorite authors are those who begin by defining their terms.  One such is E. J. Gold, in whose lexicon there is only one true “emotion” (Love, of the spiritual kind), and the other things we generally call emotions are, to him, actually thoughts or feelings.  Possibly because I’m female, I am not going to try setting up arbitrary definitions, but will be using words such as “feeling” and “emotion” interchangeably because that is how it is done in common usage.

  First, I will dispense with Love (the spiritual kind), because it is, I feel, a special case and easiest to eliminate from the discussion.  This is the one that doesn’t just happen to us.  We don’t fall into it, although we might grow into it.  It is not an object we can obtain from others through manipulation or exchange for Love or anything else, even though experiencing this unconditional spiritual love from someone else has the power to kindle such feelings in oneself if one is open to that.  It is a choice we can make, an action we can take, a Universal force to which we can attune ourselves.  It is energy, and can be employed to heal anger, hatred, insecurity and all the other fear-based emotions.  It is entirely within our control to decide whether to live in this Love or not.

  The other “love” (and I’m not going to deal with “love” of pizza, Maserati, movies, the color purple or San Francisco, which everyone understands refers to fondness or preference), the “romantic” kind that sweeps over us and takes our breath away, making it impossible for us to perceive any human flaws in its object or to be contented when we are out of the object’s immediate presence… well, that’s very different.  It comprises (or can include) passion, intimacy, bonded attachment, and a decision to commit to a partner.

  In Why We Love, Dr. Helen Fisher examines and explains the origins of these feelings in the caudate nucleus of the mammalian brain and the way they naturally evolve from passionate lust to affectionate attachment over time through the mediation of neuroelectrochemistry.  At last, from her research and that of her colleagues, the processes of falling in and out of love make sense.  Astute and aware individuals have always recognized that these feelings are inextricably bound up with the biological urge to procreate, but along the way culture has confused the issue with euphemistic circumlocutions and hypocritical myths that have been perpetuated in fictional romances, fairy tales and soap opera.

  Since those feelings originate in brain chemistry (electrochemistry, actually, but lets keep it oversimplified, okay?), we could, if we wished, “control” them with drugs.  Many people do alter their emotions chemically, either intentionally or unintentionally.  So, there is part of my answer:  yes, we can “control” our feelings by altering our brain chemistry with drugs.  Some of the problems inherent in that method include toxic effects of the drugs and unwanted “feelings” that result from imprudent and/or uninformed choices of the drugs one uses.

  A simpler way to “control” feelings is to change the way we think about how we feel.  Anyone who has ever gotten over the “heartbreak” of being dumped by a lover, or who has forced oneself not to become involved with an inappropriate but very attractive partner, has used this method.  The dynamics of neuroelectrochemistry appear to be a complex feedback loop in which thoughts control feelings and feelings control thoughts and we have some degree of control over which forces predominate.

  As long as we deny responsibility for our feelings, they will be out of our control.  If we believe, for example, that someone can hurt our feelings, our feelings are going to be hurt a lot because people in general will not always say and do the things we want them to.   If our self-esteem is contingent on the esteem and approval we receive from others, then those others will control our feelings.

  Once we take responsibility for our own feelings and realize that we have the power to choose not to be hurt by the thoughts, feelings and actions of others, we will no longer be hurt by others.  It really is that simple.  I know that because I have gone from being a high-strung, over-sensitive, clingy, emotionally needy crybaby always seeking approval and external validation, to being a sensitive, secure, loving and emotionally independent person,  through taking responsibility for my own feelings.

  Note that I said “through” taking responsibility and not “by” that.  Subtle semantic difference, it means that the process started with that decision, but the choice and commitment were not all there was to the process.  Over time, my habits of thought and feeling changed.  At first, if someone rejected me or abused me or slandered me, I’d react negatively and then I’d remind myself of this: “What others think of me is none of my business.”

  If everyone had turned against me at once, I might not have been able so easily to deal with it, but that is very unlikely to happen to anyone.  Dr. Seuss said it best:  “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

  I weaned myself from that need for external validation at the same time that I was building independent self-esteem.  In the same way that it helped to  remember that other people’s thoughts and feelings are none of my business, I was aided by this injunction:  “Do nothing to damage your self-esteem.”  If I screwed up and did something of which I disapproved, I did what I could to clean up the mess, reminded myself that everyone is fallible, treated the whole thing as a learning experience and resolved not to make the same mistake again.  By that process, my self-esteem grew and my need for external validation dwindled away.

  Over time, there has been less and less sting from things people say and do to me.  When something does trigger a knee-jerk response from me, I am less likely than I used to be to fall into hurt feelings or fly into a rage, so I am able to respond more sensibly and appropriately.  It works not only with those “feelings” that can get “hurt” by rejection and disapproval.  It also works with more obvious and overt fear reactions.  It’s all fear, after all.  Hurt feelings are only the manifestation of the fear of inadequacy, isolation, rejection, etc.

  I may never entirely lose that knee-jerk “emotional” response.  I see an analogy between that and the physical startle response to loud noises, unexpected touches or similar sudden shocks.  I recall a time when, if someone startled me, I would say, “You scared me.”  I don’t say that any more, nor do I think it.  If my body jerks and starts at a surprising event, I know I’m startled.  It barely deserves a thought most of the time.  That understanding of the startle response, and my having lost the more-or-less automatic association of startlement with fear, allows me to more effectively respond when I’m startled by something that requires quick response.

  Knowing that I am responsible for my own feelings also liberates me from responsiblity for other people’s feelings.  Nobody can lay a guilt trip on me if I say or do something that “hurts her feelings,” as long as her hurt feelings were not my objective but only an incidental result of her taking offense at my frankness.  I know that it is her choice to be hurt, that her decision to take offense is a sign of her own emotional irresponsibility and low self-esteem, and that I have a responsiblity to myself and the universe to express my own thoughts and feelings openly and honestly regardless of any anticipated response they might trigger in someone else.  The handy aphorism that reminds me of reality in this instance is, “It is equally spiritually unevolved to take offense as it is purposely to give it.”

  
  The Emotional Self-Control Tool Kit

  Litany against fear:
  

  
  I must not fear
  Fear is the mind-killer.
  Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
  I will face my fear.
  I will permit it to pass
  Over me and through me.
  And when it has gone past
  I will turn the inner eye
  To see its path.
  Where the fear has gone
  There will be nothing.
  Only I will remain….

  from Dune
  by Frank Herbert

  
  
  

  “Be who you are and say what you feel,
  because those who mind don’t matter
  and those who matter don’t mind.”
  Theodore Seuss Geisel
  
  
  

  It is equally spiritually unevolved to take offense
  as purposely to give it.

  What others think of me is none of my business.

  Do nothing to damage your self-esteem.

  • 6:38 pm
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