January 27, 2006

• Warmer

  What a relief!  When I got up this morning, it was only 23
  below.  I think the low during the last two days was somewhere
  around 36 below zero.  Of course, that means that clouds have
  moved in and I won’t be able to get any sunshine today.  I’d
  realized yesterday, even before anyone mentioned “cabin fever” or
  “winter blues” that I was depressed and needed to get some
  sunshine.  Whenever the sun is out again, I’ll do that.

  Today, Greyfox plans to come up here, bringing groceries and supplies,
  to pick up some signs I made for his tables at this weekend’s Willow
  Winter Carnival.  The signs say, “Kids, keep hands off the
  knives,” and “No knife sales to minors.”  Essential
  equipment.  For him, this is one of the more difficult shows
  because the event is four days, two weekends, and he has to move all
  his merchandise in and out each day.  There’s always a hurry to
  take it down and pack up because the room is used for other events in
  the evenings after the trade show closes.

  Several people left comments meant to reassure me about Doug. 
  Most of what was said was probably true in a limited sense, but didn’t
  really address the real issues, or was based on incomplete
  information.  Doug has been writing creatively and designing
  “inventions” and art ever since he went on Ritalin in fourth
  grade.  He had been doing photography even before he got his first
  camera of his own, which was a serendipitous find lying at the base of
  a  roadside joshua tree in Joshua Tree National Monument, in
  1993. 

  He writes all the time, competitively, in fanfic writing
  tournaments.  He spontaneously grabs a camera whenever he sees
  something he wants to capture, such as a cute kitten or a beautiful
  sunrise.  His aim in wanting to travel is not to take pictures or
  write about what he sees.  The writing and photography he sees as
  possible ways to support himself as he explores the planet.  The
  travel is the aim.  It’s something he can’t do on little day
  trips, and when he has the liberty for a day trip now, his choice is
  always to go to town.  As soon as he mentioned his ambition to me,
  I started advising him on ways to prepare to realize it.

  I have never stopped assuring him that he doesn’t have to stay here,
  that I’ll manage.  Maybe if I had a plan, he’d believe me.  I
  have no plan.  All I have is this understanding that I have always
  had all I needed, sometimes just finding it in the nick of time. 
  I also have a stubborn tendency to think that I can survive on my
  own.  That is probably a lot of whistling past the
  graveyard.  The fact of my life is that there have been a series
  of people who have gotten some of their needs fulfilled by taking care
  of my needs.  Whether their willingness to take care of me is
  karma or psychopathology, I dunno.  I do know that his mom’s
  “needing” him at home has relieved Doug of the need to get out there
  and make a living in the usual way. 

  We have a symbiotic relationship here that is, in some ways, more
  psychologically healthy than the usual family dynamics that compel
  parents to drive kids from the nest when they are out of school. 
  But our own family dynamics have their own pathologies in addiction and
  various other issues.  The perspective I expressed yesterday was,
  as some of you noted, colored by seasonal depression and my prolonged
  illness.  As I said, sometimes
  I can handle it.  At times, I can even see the situation from all
  sides at once and that is quite a feat, given its breadth and
  complexity.

  Well, enough of this for now.  I have to go prepare for the arrival of Hurricane Greyfox.
  

  • 2:04 pm
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