August 9, 2005

• All right, I’m awake now.

  Blogging before breakfast can be revealing.  I’m not sure I like
  what it reveals, but that’s what this morning’s blog was all about,
  wasn’t it?

  lupa commented
  that she gets great insights and then gets the deja vu feeling that’s
  she’s learned the same thing before.  Reading my old journal
  entries reveals to me that I do the same thing.  It reminds me of
  the story of the Zen master who got word that his son had died and
  began loudly, wildly mourning.  One of his students pointed out
  that his behavior wasn’t very enlightened.  The master said,
  “Sometimes I forget I’m enlightened.”

  Greyfox
  laughed at me for wanting to be understood.  He said he’d settle
  for being accepted.  That’s interesting to me.  I don’t give
  a shit whether I’m accepted.  As Dr. Seuss said, “those who mind
  don’t matter and those who matter won’t mind.”  What matters to me
  is accurate communication, that what I’m sending is being
  received. 

  I might be so interested in that precisely because of that
  Sun/Ascendant square in my natal chart.  There’s an inherent
  conflict between the persona others see and the reality that is
  me.  Greyfox might be so interested in acceptance because of his
  NPD.  Am I starting to talk like Lady Macbeth?

  Coming back after breakfast and reading what I wrote, I recalled where
  that train of thought originated.  Doug and I had a rare screaming
  argument last night.  We’d made a water run.  When all our
  jugs and buckets are full, the kitchen becomes congested and cluttered
  with them.  There’s an under-counter cabinet that will hold 3
  buckets and 3 big jugs, then the rest go on the floor in front of it.

  After I put 3 buckets in, I’d reminded Doug to put the jugs in the
  cabinet first before he stacked things in front of it.  Later,
  seeing what seemed to be too many jugs out in the floor, I scooted some
  buckets and jugs out of my way, opened the cabinet and found that he’d
  only added one jug to the three buckets I’d put in there.  I put
  two more jugs in, scooted things back in front of the doors, and asked
  him as he came in with his last load of water why he only put one jug
  in the cabinet.

  He screamed that he hadn’t.  I insisted that he had.  I was
  baffled at his anger.  I’d just gotten through moving aside the
  one fat jug he’d stuck in there, hanging crookedly off one bucket’s
  lid, leaning on another bucket.  Then I had slid a slender jug
  between the two bottom buckets and stacked another slender jug on top
  of it, the only way that three jugs will fit in there.  Even after
  I opened the cabinet again to show him what I’d done, and told him how
  I’d found it originally, he was screaming at me that he was sure he’d
  put more than one jug in there.  Did he think I was lying? 
  …hallucinating?

  I wasn’t going to change my story.  It was the truth.  Why
  was he so angry at me for pointing out some simple facts?   I
  started getting angry then.  We yelled until the cat (little
  orange Nemo, the peacemaker) got into the act, yelling at us to stop
  yelling.   Eventually, he said he was 80% sure that he had put two
  jugs in there.  I suggested that after he got the fat jug in there
  he didn’t think he had room for more, so he didn’t get his intended second jug in.  Then I just had to go on and say that two wasn’t enough, anyway.  The cabinet holds three and that’s what should be in there.   We left it at that.  Virgo and Leo… sheesh!

  While I was writing the above, I lost my connection to the web and
  Greyfox phoned from the library.  We talked about acceptance
  versus understanding.  He said he thought that by “understand” I
  meant I wanted people to fully grasp the inner me.  That’s as
  unimportant to me as acceptance is.  Hell, if anyone fully grokked
  where I’m coming from, they’d adore me.  *giggle*  But
  seriously, I neither expect nor need to be understood in that sense,
  but I’d like to be believed when I tell the truth.  Now I guess
  I’m starting to sound like Cassandra.

  I don’t know what Doug was all pissed off about, but I do know that
  Mercury is retrograde, Venus is square Pluto, and Sun is opposite
  Neptune.  Maybe Doug is getting a head start on this weekend’s
  Mercury/Mars square.  I’m waiting and anticipating next week’s
  Jupiter/Neptune trine.
  
  

  • 5:06 pm
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