August 1, 2005

• Ten Fictitious Characters
  with whom I’d like to have sex

  I have seen this sorta quizzy thingie around a few times.  The
  answers I have seen all seem to refer to actors who play fictitious
  characters.  I, too, can think of more than a few actors who turn
  me on.  Johnny Depp, Viggo Mortensen, and Ralph Feinnes come
  immediately to mind.  With a little thought I could come up with a
  few dozen more, but the object of this exercise is “fictitious
  characters.”

  Okay,
  right off the top of my head, I can think of two.  They are Billy
  Bob Holland and Dave “Streak” Robichaux.  Both men, Billy Bob, a
  former Texas Ranger living in Montana, haunted by the ghost of his
  partner and best friend whom he accidentally shot and killed when they were on an illegal
  raid into Mexico, and Dave, a Sheriff’s investigator in Louisiana who
  got thrown off the New Orleans PD for being something of a rogue cop,
  are the creations of this man, James Lee Burke.  The author
  himself is kinda sexy-looking and anyone who can write such sexy and
  sensitive characters is probably a pretty good fuck, unless he puts it
  all into his writing.

  So, that’s #1 and #2.  For #3, I’ll bring up an oldie but goodie,
  Travis McGee.  His creator, the late John D. McDonald, wasn’t
  sexy-looking, in my opinion.  McGee was played (badly) by Frank
  Sinatra in a stinker of a movie.  Ol’ Blue Eyes sorta turned me
  off to McGee until I got back into the books where he was more himself.

  As a very small child, the first fictional character who ever made my
  heart race was a radio character, The Shadow (that’s #4), Lamont
  Cranston, who had the power to cloud men’s minds and cream little
  girls’ jeans.  He was voiced then by Orson Welles, whose looks
  never turned me on.  Good thing it was radio, eh?   In 1994,
  Cranston was played in a movie by Alec Baldwin, who also fails to
  arouse any special feelings in me.

  Hieronymous
  Bosch is another fictional character who makes my knees go weak. 
  No, not the late and famous artist.  I just put the pic in here
  for shits and giggles because I don’t want to put any actors’ pictures
  in.  I mean Harry Bosch (#5) who was tagged with the painter’s
  name in the fictional orphanage where he grew up.  It was in LA,
  where Harry was a cop for a while, then a private eye, and in his new
  book is back on the force again, specializing in closing cold
  cases.  Bosch was once played in a movie by Clint Eastwood, who
  does excite me, especially in Unforgiven, but remember, we’re talking fiction here.  Michael Connelly creates the Harry Bosch books.

  Hmmm… almost all my fictional lovers appear to be fictional cops or
  detectives.  I wonder why that is?  Maybe it’s because I
  haven’t been reading much fiction besides detective stories.  I do
  read true crime stories, and some of those serial killers are awfully
  sexy, but the problem set here was to come up with ten fictional lovers.  Yet another one, #6, is Liam Campbell, an Alaska State Trooper created by Dana Stabenow.

  One fictional guy I’d like to meet and try to seduce in real life isn’t
  a detective, but is a supporting character in a series of detective
  stories.  Mick Ballou (#7) is a friend of fictional detective Matt
  Scudder in Lawrence Block’s books.  Mick is the son of a
  butcher.  He runs a saloon and sometimes puts on his father’s old
  butcher’s apron to go to Mass or to go butcher some miscreant who needs
  killing, public service homicide.

  [aside:  Suddenly, a heavy downpour of rain, accompanied by small
  hailstones, has begun here.  I'm glad we weren't working on the
  roof, but I suppose that if we had been we could have seen the clouds
  building.  This caught me by surprise.  Hail used to be
  extremely rare here, as were thunderstorms.  Both meteorological
  phenomena require more heat in the atmosphere than Alaska used to
  have.  Just another of the effects of global warming....]

  I’m bogging down here, gonna go browse my book shelves to jog my memory….

  Two, #8 and #9, I can take from Jack Whyte’s Camulod Chronicles.   Uther Pendragon, father of King Arthur, and his cousin Merlin Britannicus,
  are both very sexy.  How could I have forgotten them. 
  Perhaps Arthur himself and Lancelot will eventually become fuckable
  characters, but thus far Mr. Whyte hasn’t published their mature
  years.  I do tend, at this stage of my life, to go for mature men.

  Stumped and casting back over my youth for another character who turned
  me on, I finally have come up with #10, Ayn Rand’s John Galt.  Who
  is John Galt?
   

  • 11:16 pm
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