December 1, 2004

• Interesting dreams I barely remember, transcendental insights that come
  to me in the moments between sleep and waking and evaporate as soon as
  I open my eyes — is Mercury retrograde, or what?

  One dream had something to do with the woodstove and three disparate
  aspects of being.  I suspect I was tuned into Cosmic Wisdom
  Central as Doug was feeding the fire last night, and got my perceptions
  scrambled.

  In another dream I was walking through my new house, all big and plush
  and comfortable, and suddenly the roof started leaking right over my
  head and this sticky filthy stuff was all in my hair….

  I MUST loosen that death-grip I’ve got on reality.  Even my
  wish-fulfillment fantasies have serious flaws… but doesn’t everything?

  Today is the fifty-third anniversary of my father’s  death. 
  I don’t suppose it has much to do with the dreams or my mood. 
  December starts this way every year, and I hadn’t even thought about
  the date until I just saw it on an email.  I’d say the last couple
  of rainy days has more to do with this bleak mood than the sad
  anniversary does.

  Oddly, what I remember most are all the years that the first of
  December would find my mother in a weepy and depressed mood.  In
  the beginning, I cried with her.  Then I repressed it, and later
  worked through it in therapy, but there is still a sense of loss even
  though I realize he wasn’t the golden god of my imagination and that
  his survival would not have made life all perfect for me.  You’d
  think I’d get used to
  it in half a century or so.  If children are as “resilient” as
  some people say, I wonder why so many of us carry childhood guilt and
  trauma to our graves.
  
  UPDATE:

  I just got a much-needed giggle out of a phone call from Greyfox. 
  He’s at the bank, opening a new merchant account that will let him
  accept credit cards at his stand and the shows.  They are giving
  him a stuffed horse as a premium, and he called to ask me if I wanted a
  “brown” or a “palomino”.  I said, “palomino” without hesitation,
  and then he said, “Okay, that’s white with black spotties.”  Then
  I said, “No, that would be a pinto.”  He then described the
  “brown” as toast brown with a white mane and tail.  I said,
  “That’s the palomino, and that’s the one I want!”  Got that straightened out.  Trigger… I’ll name it Trigger.

  Geez!  No wonder things are so gloomy/giddy for me today.  I
  just looked at the ephemeris.  The Mercury station, as well as
  transiting Venus, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn and Neptune are all aspecting
  my “intensity” stellium.  Wheeeee…. wild times.  Must
  remember, I love intensity.

  • 4:33 pm
  • 4 Comments