May 29, 2004

• NPD in action

   I’m exhausted.  That’s
  nothing unusual, since I know I have chronic fatigue syndrome 
  Almost everyone who reads my blog knows it, too.  Viewed one way,
  the fact that I’m so tired tonight can be seen as a good sign.  I
  was active today, had more physical energy than usual.  I got up
  and tried to accomplish some of the tasks that have been on my
  mind.  But I feel as if I’ve been spinning my wheels a lot. 
  Poetry’s not usually my style, but this came to me:

  I’m idle, not lazy,
  just spinning my wheels.
  Accelerator sticking, clutch slipping,
  That’s how CFS feels.

  I’ve spent a good portion of my afternoon on efforts to simmer down,
  release a resentment against Greyfox for putting obstacles in my
  way.  I tell myself that’s what he’s best at, and I try to
  reassure myself that he’s working on his narcissistic personality
  disorder.  Myself answers back that most of the work he’s been
  doing on it is lip service, smoke and mirrors, the canned speeches he
  has learned to use to deflect criticism.   He has leared how
  to get narcissistic supply by talking about his NPD.

  When he called this afternoon and asked me how I was doing, I told him
  how inconvenienced I’d been when I went to put away my clean laundry
  and ended up putting away a lot of his clothes instead.  He has
  about twice as much clothes-hanging space in my house as I have, more
  than Doug and I combined.  There is no shortage of hangers
  either.  He has a big two-tiered garment rack and instead of
  putting everything on hangers side-by-side on the rack, he heaped a big
  pile of clothes on top of the thing, and hung a bunch of things on the
  knob that protrudes on the near end of one of the rods, making the
  entire rack top-heavy and causing it to tilt toward that end where his
  clothes were clustered.

  Trying to move around in that back room, I brushed against his mess and
  it all fell down.  By the time I got it picked up and hung
  properly, I was too tired to get any of my things put away.  I’m
  still having to step over a basket of clothes to get into the
  room.  I knew as soon as I’d finished telling him this, and he
  started in on what a day he’d had, that he hadn’t been hearing what I
  was saying.  He was just waiting for me to get quiet so he could
  talk.  In essence, all I was doing was venting, which is about all
  I ever do when I’m trying to get real with him.

  I have been meaning for a couple of weeks to post another blog on NPD, and here it is:

  Much of this info and more can be found at Should we call them human?

  CLUSTER B PERSONALITY DISORDERS

  NPD
  is included in the Cluster B personality disorders. Antisocial,
  borderline, and histrionic personality disorders are also part of this
  cluster. All of the cluster B personality disorders have an excessive
  sense of how important they are. Their demands upon others is excessive
  in that they expect admiration and thrive on praise. None of these
  personality disorders have the capacity to see other’s perspectives.

  Out of the list of 31 Behaviors of the Narcissist, these are some that I’ve been banging into today:

  Overly
  dramatic presentation of emotion: could well be known as the “drama”
  queen or king (negative emotions), exaggerates the importance of his
  experiences
  

  Inappropriate
  attempts to dominate and control others: a narcissist is demanding,
  expects to be treated “special,” and thinks everyone should immediately
  stop what they are doing to do what he wants them to do.

  Selfishness: he thinks of himself first, gets what he wants, and the heck with anyone else

  Lack of practicality: a narcissist does not know what the word practical means

  Shallow: in depth conversations are impossible with a narcissist. The narcissist’s conversations center around himself.

  Lack of interest in and empathy with others: don’t expect him to feel sorry for you no matter what he does to you

  Lazy: expects others to do for him what he could do for himself

  Problems with aging or disabilities: a narcissist has difficulty with being confined

  Today,
  the weather (wind and rain) conspired with the wife of one potential
  customer and the father of another (they “queered the deal”) to ruin
  business.  Cell phone transmission and/or reception were worse
  than usual, keeping the conversation mercifully brief.

  The following is from an email I received from Sam Vaknin:

  NPD Differential Diagnosis

  NPD
  Relationships with narcissists peter out slowly and tortuously.
  Narcissists do not provide closure. They stalk. They cajole, beg,
  promise, persuade, and, ultimately, succeed in doing the impossible yet
  again: sweep you off your feet, though you know better than to succumb
  to their spurious and superficial charms. So, you go back to your
  “relationship” and hope for a better ending. You walk on eggshells. You
  become the epitome of submissiveness, a perfect source of narcissistic
  supply, the ideal mate or spouse or partner or colleague. You keep your
  fingers crossed. But how does the narcissist react to the resurrection
  of the bond? It depends on whether you have re-entered the liaison from
  a position or strength – or of vulnerability and weakness. The
  narcissist casts all interactions with other people in terms of
  conflicts or competitions to be won. He does not regard you as a
  partner – but as an adversary to be subjugated and defeated. Thus, as
  far as he is concerned, your return to the fold is a triumph, proof of
  his superiority and irresistibility. If he perceives you as autonomous,
  dangerously independent, and capable of bailing out and abandoning him
  - the narcissist acts the part of the sensitive, loving, compassionate,
  and empathic counterpart.

  Narcissists respect strength, they are awed by it. As long as you
  maintain a “no nonsense” attitude, placing the narcissist on probation,
  he is likely to behave himself. If, on the other hand, you have resumed
  contact because you have capitulated to his threats or because you are
  manifestly dependent on him financially or emotionally – the narcissist
  will pounce on your frailty and exploit your fragility to the maximum.
  Following a perfunctory honeymoon, he will immediately seek to control
  and abuse you. In both cases, the narcissist’s thespian reserves are
  exhausted and his true nature and feelings emerge. The facade crumbles
  and beneath it lurks the same old heartless falsity that is the
  narcissist. His gleeful smugness at having bent you to his wishes and
  rules, his all-consuming sense of entitlement, his sexual depravity,
  his aggression, pathological envy, and rage – all erupt uncontrollably.

  The prognosis for the renewed affair is far worse if it follows a
  lengthy separation in which you have made a life for yourself with your
  own interests, pursuits, set of friends, needs, wishes, plans, and
  obligations, independent of your narcissistic ex and unrelated to him.
  The narcissist cannot countenance your separateness. To him, you are a
  mere instrument of gratification or an extension of his bloated False
  Self. He resents your pecuniary wherewithal, is insanely jealous of
  your friends, refuses to accept your preferences or compromise his own,
  in envious and dismissive of your accomplishments. Ultimately, the very
  fact that you have survived without his constant presence seems to deny
  him his much-needed narcissistic supply. He rides the inevitable cycle
  of idealization and devaluation. He berates you, humiliates you
  publicly, threatens you, destabilizes you by behaving unpredictably,
  fosters ambient abuse, and uses others to intimidate and humble you
  (“abuse by proxy”). You are then faced with a tough choice: To leave
  again and give up all the emotional and financial investments that went
  into your attempt to resurrect the relationship – or to go on trying,
  subject to daily abuse and worse? It is a well-known landscape. You
  have been here before. But this familiarity doesn’t make it less
  nightmarish.

  BP-I mania
  The manic phase of Bipolar I Disorder is often misdiagnosed as
  Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Bipolar patients in the manic
  phase exhibit many of the signs and symptoms of pathological narcissism
  - hyperactivity, self-centeredness, lack of empathy, and control
  freakery. During this recurring chapter of the disease, the patient is
  euphoric, has grandiose fantasies, spins unrealistic schemes, and has
  frequent rage attacks (is irritable) if her or his wishes and plans are
  (inevitably) frustrated. The manic phases of the bipolar disorder,
  however, are limited in time – NPD is not. Furthermore, the mania is
  followed by – usually protracted – depressive episodes. The narcissist
  is also frequently dysphoric. But whereas the bipolar sinks into deep
  self-deprecation, self-devaluation, unbounded pessimism, all-pervasive
  guilt and anhedonia – the narcissist, even when depressed, never
  forgoes his narcissism: his grandiosity, sense of entitlement,
  haughtiness, and lack of empathy.

  Narcissistic dysphorias are much shorter and reactive – they constitute
  a response to the Grandiosity Gap. In plain words, the narcissist is
  dejected when confronted with the abyss between his inflated self-image
  and grandiose fantasies – and the drab reality of his life: his
  failures, lack of accomplishments, disintegrating interpersonal
  relationships, and low status. Yet, one dose of Narcissistic Supply is
  enough to elevate the narcissists from the depth of misery to the
  heights of manic euphoria. Not so with the bipolar. The source of her
  or his mood swings is assumed to be brain biochemistry – not the
  availability of Narcissistic Supply.

  Whereas the narcissist is in full control of his faculties, even when
  maximally agitated, the bipolar often feels that s/he has lost control
  of his/her brain (“flight of ideas”), his/her speech, his/her attention
  span (distractibility), and his/her motor functions. The bipolar is
  prone to reckless behaviors and substance abuse only during the manic
  phase. The narcissist does drugs, drinks, gambles, shops on credit,
  indulges in unsafe sex or in other compulsive behaviors both when
  elated and when deflated. As a rule, the bipolar’s manic phase
  interferes with his/her social and occupational functioning. Many
  narcissists, in contrast, reach the highest rungs of their community,
  church, firm, or voluntary organization. Most of the time, they
  function flawlessly – though the inevitable blowups and the grating
  extortion of Narcissistic Supply usually put an end to the narcissist’s
  career and social liaisons.

  The manic phase of bipolar sometimes requires hospitalization and -
  more frequently than admitted – involves psychotic features.
  Narcissists are never hospitalized as the risk for self-harm is minute.
  Moreover, psychotic microepisodes in narcissism are decompensatory in
  nature and appear only under unendurable stress (e.g., in intensive
  therapy). The bipolar’s mania provokes discomfort in both strangers and
  in the patient’s nearest and dearest. His/her constant cheer and
  compulsive insistence on interpersonal, sexual, and occupational, or
  professional interactions engenders unease and repulsion. Her/his
  lability of mood – rapid shifts between uncontrollable rage and
  unnatural good spirits – is downright intimidating. The narcissist’s
  gregariousness, by comparison, is calculated, “cold”, controlled, and
  goal-orientated (the extraction of Narcissistic Supply). His cycles of
  mood and affect are far less pronounced and less rapid. The bipolar’s
  swollen self-esteem, overstated self-confidence, obvious grandiosity,
  and delusional fantasies are akin to the narcissist’s and are the
  source of the diagnostic confusion.

  Both types of patients purport to give advice, carry out an assignment,
  accomplish a mission, or embark on an enterprise for which they are
  uniquely unqualified and lack the talents, skills, knowledge, or
  experience required. But the bipolar’s bombast is far more delusional
  than the narcissist’s. Ideas of reference and magical thinking are
  common and, in this sense, the bipolar is closer to the schizotypal
  than to the narcissistic. There are other differentiating symptoms:
  Sleep disorders – notably acute insomnia – are common in the manic
  phase of bipolar and uncommon in narcissism. So is “manic speech” -
  pressured, uninterruptible, loud, rapid, dramatic (includes singing and
  humorous asides), sometimes incomprehensible, incoherent, chaotic, and
  lasts for hours. It reflects the bipolar’s inner turmoil and his/her
  inability to control his/her racing and kaleidoscopic thoughts.

  As opposed to narcissists, bipolar in the manic phase are often
  distracted by the slightest stimuli, are unable to focus on relevant
  data, or to maintain the thread of conversation. They are “all over the
  place” – simulta neously initiating numerous business ventures, joining
  a myriad organization, writing umpteen letters, contacting hundreds of
  friends and perfect strangers, acting in a domineering, demanding, and
  intrusive manner, totally disregarding the needs and emotions of the
  unfortunate recipients of their unwanted attentions. They rarely follow
  up on their projects. The transformation is so marked that the bipolar
  is often described by his/her closest as “not himself/herself”. Indeed,
  some bipolars relocate, change name and appearance, and lose contact
  with their “former life”. Antisocial or even criminal behavior is not
  uncommon and aggression is marked, directed at both others (assault)
  and oneself (suicide).

  Some biploars describe an acuteness of the senses, akin to experiences
  recounted by drug users: smells, sounds, and sights are accentuated and
  attain an unearthly quality. As opposed to narcissists, bipolars regret
  their misdeeds following the manic phase and try to atone for their
  actions. They realize and accept that “something is wrong with them”
  and seek help. During the depressive phase they are ego-dystonic and
  their defenses are autoplastic (they blame themselves for their
  defeats, failures, and mishaps). Finally, pathological narcissism is
  already discernible in early adolescence. The full-fledged bipolar
  disorder – including a manic phase – rarely occurs before the age of
  20. The narcissist is consistent in his pathology – not so the bipolar.
  The onset of the manic episode is fast and furious and results in a
  conspicuous metamorphosis of the patient. More about this topic here:
  Stormberg, D., Roningstam, E., Gunderson, J., & Tohen, M.
  (1998) Pathological Narcissism in Bipolar Disorder Patients. Journal of
  Personality Disorders, 12, 179-185 Roningstam, E. (1996), Pathological
  Narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder in Axis I Disorders.
  Harvard Review of Psychiatry, 3, 326-340

  Asperger’s
  (The use of gender pronouns in this article reflects the clinical
  facts: most narcissists and most Asperger’s patients are male.)
  Asperger’s Disorder is often misdiagnosed as Narcissistic Personality
  Disorder (NPD), though evident as early as age 3 (while pathological
  narcissism cannot be safely diagnosed prior to early adolescence). In
  both cases, the patient is self-centered and engrossed in a narrow
  range of interests and activities. Social and occupational interactions
  are severely hampered and conversational skills (the give and take of
  verbal intercourse) are primitive. The Asperger’s patient body language
  - eye to eye gaze, body posture, facial expressions – is constricted
  and artificial, akin to the narcissist’s. Nonverbal cues are virtually
  absent and their interpretation in others lacking. Yet, the gulf
  between Asperger’s and pathological narcissism is vast. The narcissist
  switches between social agility and social impairment voluntarily. His
  social dysfunctioning is the outcome of conscious haughtiness and the
  reluctance to invest scarce mental energy in cultivating relationships
  with inferior and unworthy others. When confronted with potential
  Sources of Narcissistic Supply, however, the narcissist easily regains
  his social skills, his charm, and his gregariousness.

  Many narcissists reach the highest rungs of their community, church,
  firm, or voluntary organization. Most of the time, they function
  flawlessly – though the inevitable blowups and the grating extortion of
  Narcissistic Supply usually put an end to the narcissist’s career and
  social liaisons. The Asperger’s patient often wants to be accepted
  socially, to have friends, to marry, to be sexually active, and to sire
  offspring. He just doesn’t have a clue how to go about it. His affect
  is limited. His initiative – for instance, to share his experiences
  with nearest and dearest or to engage in foreplay – is thwarted. His
  ability to divulge his emotions stilted. He is incapable or
  reciprocating and is largely unaware of the wishes, needs, and feelings
  of his interlocutors or counterparties.

  Inevitably, Asperger’s patients are perceived by others to be cold,
  eccentric, insensitive, indifferent, repulsive, exploitative or
  emotionally-absent. To avoid the pain of rejection, they confine
  themselves to solitary activities – but, unlike the schizoid, not by
  choice. They limit their world to a single topic, hobby, or person and
  dive in with the greatest, all-consuming intensity, excluding all other
  matters and everyone else. It is a form of hurt-control and pain
  regulation. Thus, while the narcissist avoids pain by excluding,
  devaluing, and discarding others – the Asperger’s patient achieves the
  same result by withdrawing and by passionately incorporating in his
  universe only one or two people and one or two subjects of interest.
  Both narcissists and Asperger’s patients are prone to react with
  depression to perceived slights and injuries – but Asperger’s patients
  are far more at risk of self-harm and suicide.

  The use of language is another differentiating factor. The narcissist
  is a skilled communicator. He uses language as an instrument to obtain
  Narcissistic Supply or as a weapon to obliterate his “enemies” and
  discarded sources with. Cerebral narcissists derive Narcissistic Supply
  from the consummate use they make of their innate verbosity. Not so the
  Asperger’s patient. He is equally verbose at times (and taciturn on
  other occasions) but his topics are few and, thus, tediously
  repetitive. He is unlikely to obey conversational rules and etiquette
  (for instance, to let others speak in turn). Nor is the Asperger’s
  patient able to decipher nonverbal cues and gestures or to monitor his
  own misbehavior on such occasions. Narcissists are similarly
  inconsiderate – but only towards those who cannot possibly serve as
  Sources of Narcissistic Supply. More about Autism Spectrum Disorders
  here: McDowell, Maxson J. (2002) The Image of the Mother’s Eye: Autism
  and Early Narcissistic Injury , Behavioral and Brain Sciences
  (Submitted) Benis, Anthony – “Toward Self & Sanity: On the
  Genetic Origins of the Human Character” – Narcissistic-Perfectionist
  Personality Type (NP) with special reference to infantile autism
  Stringer, Kathi (2003) An Object Relations Approach to Understanding
  Unusual Behaviors and Disturbances James Robert Brasic, MD, MPH (2003)
  Pervasive Developmental Disorder: Asperger Syndrome

  For
  the record, I’m not submissive.  I confront.  Narcissists
  have a poor prognosis in therapy.  If they bother to keep showing
  up, eventually the therapist may quit in disgust. Ns seek narcissistic
  supply everywhere, even from the therapist who’s trying to help them
  over it.  Like many forms of psychopathology, NPD tends to come
  out very strongly in times of stress. 

  Greyfox
  has been stressed on a number of fronts lately.  One year is one
  of the “critical periods” in addiction recovery.  Our entire
  family is going through exacerbations of our fibromyalgia and chronic
  fatigue at the same time, so that nobody is really in top shape to take
  over anyone else’s chores.  Greyfox’s latest gun show was
  disappointing.  With travel expenses, etc., he barely broke
  even.  Wet weather and a sluggish local economy have given him
  more zero-sales days and low-income days at the roadside stand than he
  is used to.

  This
  might explain, but does not excuse, his behavior.  My exhaustion
  explains my reluctance to jump in and confront, confront, confront his
  behavior, but it won’t excuse me, either.  The only way to
  have  a semblance of peace around here is to submit, humor and
  placate him, but that’s not in our contract.  If the cell phone
  keeps breaking up and cutting off our conversations, I’ll probably have
  to go down there and jump on him.
  

  • 12:57 am
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