March 10, 2004

• NPD,
  and Doug Swingley’s eyes

  
  

  The Iditarod update first, fresh breaking news from Roxy, musher Ramy Brooks’s mom, out on the trail.  Doug Swingley (see latest blog below) has decided to scratch from the race and go to an eye doctor.  Doug “retired” after his last Iditarod, made it a “Victory Lap” stopping at every bar and roadhouse along the way, saying goodbye.  Ironic now that he changed his mind and came back that he may have a serious injury for it.

  
  

  My frequent mentions of Greyfox’s NPD drew this comment:

  
  

  
  

  Hi Susu,

  
  

  If you don’t mind, I’d like to ask you a question regarding NPD, as it’s a topic that runs throughout your journal.  Here it goes:

  
  

  Considering the nature of NPD, how on earth did Greyfox ever come to a point where he could admit he had it and it was a condition he needed to alter?  I know he had his “bottoming out” experience where he finally went dry/clean, but was he at all aware of his condition before that point?  How did you introduce the topic to him so that he actually “heard” you? 

  
  

  I ask because I’m dealing with a potentially NPD mom and a potentially co-dependant dad.  Breaching the topic with them always ends in a massive brick wall.  I’m starting to feel like Cassandra.  I wish I could ‘divorce’ her from my life, but my instincts tell me that would be a beau-coup bad karmic move.  So if you don’t mind sharing … how did you surmount such a seemingly impossible task?

  
  

  Thanks very much for your time,

  
  

  rosabelle

  
  

  Posted 3/10/2004 at 10:57 AM by rosabelle

  
  

  I had known virtually nothing about NPD until a few years ago when my daughter Angie, who apparently got it through neglect (a lack of “mirroring” feedback behavior by early caregivers is thought to be the cause) by her adoptive mother and passed it unknowingly along to her eldest son, sent me some web references.  At the time, I told Greyfox that he displayed  many of the traits and he took offense and disregarded it.

  
  

  Last year during his detox, Greyfox was amusing himself at the computer surfing Xanga.  He found a link to the personality disorder quiz, took it, and convinced himself.  It was an open, vulnerable time for him, when he had acknowledged his addictions and sought help.  By the time he reached that self-diagnosis, though, we had already made progress on his recovery from NPD, through the confrontative Reality Attack Therapy that I learned from some abstaining junkies in the Family House heroin rehab program.  Ever since my group therapy experience with them, I have confronted all the psychopathological bullshit I encounter from those nearest and dearest to me, sometimes to their dismay but often to everyone’s benefit.  You would not want to live with me–take my word for it.

  
  

  I have gotten better at the confrontation since I’ve learned more about NPD, and it has become more effective since Greyfox has become more receptive, more interested in transcending the disorder.  I perceive that for him the NPD itself has helped him become committed to recovery.  He became intrigued at the idea of proving the experts wrong.  Since narcissists seldom seek therapy (they don’t suffer from the disorder, their victims do) and if they get into therapy they usually don’t last long, the prognosis is not good.  If an N doesn’t walk out on the therapist in a narcissistic rage, the therapist quits in disgust, usually. 

  
  

  What makes me good at it besides my client living here, a captive audience, and my Reality Attack experience, is a strong ego.  I don’t let what people say hurt my feelings.  His attempts to belittle me and to relegate Doug and me to second-class status in the household used to affect me, but I’d always bounce back.  Now that I understand the disorder, it doesn’t get me down at all.  The worst downside of this choice we made to work together on his recovery is that I don’t get any time off.  I have to be ready and willing to confront him 24/7.  If I were to let any of his bullshit slide, he would get narcissistic supply from it and that would reinforce the behavior.

  
  

  It would be difficult enough confronting a loved one’s NPD from a position of equal (sibling or spouse), or from one of parental authority.  Trying to “fix” one’s parents has long been believed to be a losing battle.  Add that to the poor prognosis for NPD, and you have a big job cut out for yourself if you take this one on.  Get some backup, is my advice.

  • 4:25 pm
  • 3 Comments