February 23, 2004

• Time to Lighten Up

  
  

  I’ve been writing in–or bleeding from–a “heavy” vein lately, haven’t I?

  
  

  Well, Greyfox shared some of Dave Barry’s column from the Anchorage Daily News with me today and I wanted to share it with you.  Trouble is, when I went to ADN.com, or tried to, I encountered at first only an ISP outage.  After our wheezing and feeble rural phone co-op got its shit back together and I did access the newspaper’s website,  I learned that they don’t make Barry available online, due I think to copyright constraints.

  
  

  But I persisted and persevered and learned that the International Herald Tribune is not so concerned with such niceties, so I can actually share a link to the entire column with you in addition to these choice excerpts.

  
  

  
  

  It’s time for another rendition of “Ask Mister Language Person,” the only grammar column approved for internal use by the Food and Drug Administration; the grammar column that puts the “dip” in “diphthong,” the “vern” in “vernacular” and the “dang” in “dangling participle.”

  
  

  Q: What is the correct pronunciation of “epitome”? I say it’s “epitome,” but my friend Bill says it’s “epitome.”

  
  

  A: With all due respect, you are both morons. “Epitome,” when pronounced correctly, rhymes with “penultimate,” and is used as follows: “In my concerted opinion, Ding Dongs is the epitome of the Hostess snack line.”

  
  

  Q: What is the best true headline ever to appear in an actual newspaper?

  
  

  A: In our opinion, that would be a headline from the Petersburg (Virginia) Progressive-Index, over a story about a mishap during the 2001 Bike Week gathering of motorcyclists in Florida. The headline, which was sent to us by alert reader Mary Ellen Lloyd, says: “Skydiver lands on beer vendor at women’s coleslaw wrestling event.”

  
  

  Q: Do you have any other true examples of excellent language use sent in by actual readers?

  
  

  A: Of course: An alert Missouri reader sent in a newsletter from Rocky Mountain National Park containing this tip for visitors: “Avoid the traffic by using one of the park’s shuttle buses and view the elk rut with a park ranger.” Nan Bell and Elisabeth Lindsay sent in an Associated Press article concerning efforts to identify the person whose leg washed ashore in Bodega Bay, California, containing this quote from an official of the coroner’s office: “We were stumped, basically.”

  http://www.iht.com/articles/130546.html  
  

  

  • 4:23 pm
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